16. Conditioning

Castiel presses his hands into Dean’s sides, curling his fingers into his shirt. He’s torn. He wants to go home, but he wants to stay with Dean. He wants Dean and his family safe, but he wants his freedom and his kin. And he’s scared. He’s scared that when they get out, when they go their separate ways, Dean will forget him or he’ll forget Dean.

He’s terrified of the future. There is so much he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know which direction to go to get home. He doesn’t know if the enemy fin-kin, the fang-fin, will still be at war with his colony. He doesn’t even know if the colony will still be in the trench or if they’ll have moved on, worried that Castiel might lead humans back to them.

Dean’s hand settles over the back of his neck, fingers gently squeezing intermittently. The cast on his other arm is resting across the small of Castiel’s back. (Don’t panic. Panicking will just make things harder. We’ll deal with things as they come, okay?)

He turns his face into the side of Dean’s neck and works his tail to wrap around one of his legs. Dean lifts his leg to give him the space to do so. He’s always accommodating Castiel’s needs and wants, even when they can’t be very comfortable for him. And Dean hasn’t asked him for one thing, not one.

(We should soak you up before they get here. It’s the least we can do to keep you comfortable.) Dean rubs his fingers up into Castiel’s hair. (C’mon, get up.)

Castiel shakes his head and pushes his hands under Dean’s back. He doesn’t want to move. He wants to stay just like this, wrapped around Dean and breathing his scent and basking in his heat. Dean keeps working his fingers through Castiel’s hair in gentle sweeps. He doesn’t ask Castiel to move again and understanding washes through the kin-connection to cover over his thoughts with comfort.

They lay like that for much longer than either of them expected before the door beeps. Dean pushes himself up, forcing Castiel to curl and twist in his lap just to be able to see who is coming in. He flares his fans and hisses when Alistair walks around the door and stops to lean against the corner of small-sea.

“Good afternoon boys! Your Lord and Master has returned from on high and she’s granting you the honour of her presence.”

Castiel growls and bares his fangs. “No.”

One of Alistair’s eyebrows twitches up and his annoying smile grows. “’No’. Really? Is that the best thing for you to say right now?”

Dean presses his fingers into Castiel’s hip in warning when he growls again. “Does she want me too, or just Cas?”

Alistair shrugs and his expression turns bored. Everything about him is irritating and Castiel’s adipose fins ripple in displeasure. “I can’t fathom why, but she wants to see the both of you. Gather what things you need. We’ve got the trolley waiting. Unless, of course, you’d rather carry your boyfriend yourself?”

Dean’s grip over his hip almost hurts and exasperation sparks bright and hard through the kin-connection. Castiel doesn’t need to look to know that Dean is glaring at Alistair. “Just get the damn trolley. How long do we have?”

“Be ready to go in five.”

Alistair gestures at the door and one of the guards pushes the trolley through. Castiel is reluctant in letting Dean go as he untangles from his tail and gets to his feet. He gestures for Alistair to leave, but he doesn’t move from his new position leaning against the ledge running along the opposite wall. Castiel glares at him even as Dean helps him slide onto the trolley and get comfortable.

Dean fills a bucket with the water from the very-small-sea. Small-sea still sits empty and Castiel briefly wonders if it’ll ever be full again. Dean is more liberal and less careful than usual with pouring water over Castiel’s tail and his side-fans and back-fans. He doesn’t take the time to work it into his adipose fins or webbing. When he’s done, he refills the bucket again and puts it on the trolley for Castiel to curl his tail around and hold it in place.

They’re not saying anything in the kin-connection, but Dean keeps feeding calm thoughts through their link. Castiel isn’t sure if he needs it or not. His chest feels tight, constricted with worry because he has no idea what’s going to happen next. He’s scared, but he has his plan and his plan should work just fine – he just needs Lilith, Alistair and Gordon to be present. It would be even more beneficial if Azazel was there too.

He’s certain that he can overload the kin-connection before they can stop him. He hates that he has to use it this way. It goes against everything he’s ever been taught. But it’s been nearly two rotations since he was captured and the longer he waits, the harder it will be to get home.

The harder it will be to leave Dean.

Dean takes a moment to put his boots on. He sits on the edge of the trolley while he ties them. Castiel knows he’s staring, but he can’t help it. He’s memorizing the freckles on Dean’s cheeks and over the bridge of his nose, the way his hair is thicker at the front than it is at the back and how it sticks up because he’s always running a hand through it.

When Dean stands again, Castiel tugs at his pant leg until Dean crouches again. Even with Alistair watching, Dean still leans in and kisses him. Defiance flares across the kin-connection as Dean pushes forward, titling Castiel’s head back with the force of it. The kiss isn’t nearly as long as Castiel would like it to be, cut short by Alistair’s noise of disapproval.

The trolley jerks as Dean pulls it around to go out the door. Alistair has Lilith’s card to get them into the elevator. He keeps trying to make idle conversation with Dean, but turns to talking to the guards when Dean says nothing in response. He’s leaning against the metal arch behind Castiel and keeps absentmindedly running his fingers through Castiel’s hair.

When they exit out onto the deck, Castiel feels the world-breath press at his skin again. The steady-blue reminds him of Anna’s tail. There are wisps of white curling through it and when Castiel asks, Dean tells him they’re called clouds and he explains about moisture and crystals and it’s enough to distract Castiel from thinking about how the ocean is so close and so far and that he can smell the salt of the sea and it’s calling to him and he can’t go to it.

He closes his eyes to the bright-pearl when they come to the end of a wall. It’s warm on his skin, but it hurts to look toward it. He listens to the clicks and beeping of doors, but he doesn’t look around again until the trolley comes to a stop. Lilith’s cloying scent is everywhere and it itches at his nose, like the way it did the first time he was brought here.

Lilith isn’t in the room when he looks around. Gordon is sitting on an angular chair with four legs, the back of it resting against the wall by the extravagant double doors. His upper lip curls in a sneer when he sees that Castiel is looking at him. The guards aren’t here either and his confusion is brushed aside by Dean’s quick explanation that they stayed outside. Alistair drops down onto a plush bed with a built in wall. Dean calls it a ‘couch’.

“Where’s Lilith?” Dean asks, looking from Alistair to Gordon while he moves the bucket of water from the trolley.

Gordon tilts his head toward the normal-door on the opposite side of the room from him. “She’ll be here momentarily.”

(Calls us over and she isn’t even ready to play yet.) Dean’s thoughts are tripping with annoyance and anticipation. He’s nervous and excited and worried and Castiel is starting to feel oddly calm in comparison.

It’s a familiar feeling. The same he used to get before every battle or sparring exercise. His fingers are twitching against his scales, but the rest of his body feels light. A strange sense of serenity is settling in his bones, and his thoughts are clearing. Anything unnecessary is being discarded and he’s left with nothing but his focus on the task at hand.

Dean notices and his confusion presses through the kin-connection. He meets Dean’s eyes and holds them. He doesn’t have words to explain battle-calm, but he shares the feeling and he’s answered with understanding. Castiel moves his tail so Dean can sit on the end of the trolley. He curves it around his hips and it’s Dean who pulls the end into his lap, his fingers playing absently with the adipose of his end-fans.

The room isn’t silent for long before Gordon gets up and walks over to them. Castiel’s fans flare in warning and he watches Gordon cautiously when he steps up next to the trolley. He leans away from the dart-gun Gordon uses to gesture at him.

“And here I thought you said you weren’t going to fuck the fish.”

Dean’s hand tightens over Castiel’s tail and he doesn’t translate the words. He recognizes a curse word that Dean uses often, but he doesn’t know what Gordon could be cursing about. Dean’s shoulders straighten and his back goes stiff. He turns to look over his shoulder, eyes hard and dangerous.

“Cas isn’t a fish.”

Alistair makes an amused noise from the couch. “Not denying the fucking then?”

Castiel flicks the end of his tail against Dean’s thigh. (What does that mean?)

(It’s nothing. Ignore it.) Dean turns his glare to Alistair. “There’s nothing to deny.”

(This isn’t the first time Gordon has mentioned it. Why aren’t you translating?) His fans twitch in annoyance and he tightens his tail. (If you’re trying to protect me from something, don’t. Tell me.)

Frustration folds through the kin-connection and Dean stifles a growl when Gordon walks around the trolley and uses the end of the dart-gun to make him tip his head back. Castiel leans forward and hisses when Gordon presses it against the hickey on his throat.

“You didn’t have that the last time you were in here and you haven’t visited any of your hook-ups since. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out you and the fish are fucking.”

Dean jerks back and smacks the dart-gun away. “Cas isn’t a fish and we’re not fucking!”

He does translates the words this time and Castiel’s adipose fins ripple in surprise. He fights the blush rising over his gills and stares down at his hands. Gordon and Alistair are implying that he and Dean are having sex. But they’re not – they haven’t –

(That’s why I wasn’t telling you. Don’t freak out.) Dean runs his hand over the end of Castiel’s tail and squeezes the tip of it. (It doesn’t matter what they think. They’re idiots and they have no clue what’s actually going on. You were all calm before, so stick to that, okay? Don’t freak out.)

Gordon crouches in front of Dean and he turns his disgusted look to Castiel for a moment before smirking at Dean. “So are you the one taking it? Far as we can tell, he doesn’t have any place you can stick it. Unless you’re using that mouth of his. You’ve got some balls to do that. Have you even seen his teeth?”

Rage burns through their link and Castiel feels Dean tense under his tail. Castiel hisses again and flicks his tail out of Dean’s grip. Gordon flinches in surprise and falls heavily on his – what did Dean call it – his ‘ass’. Dean makes an amused noise and pats Castiel tail when he resettles it in his lap.

“Careful what you say, Gordon. Cas doesn’t like your accusations.”

“That’s enough.”

Everyone turns to look toward the door on the far side of the room. Lilith closes it behind her. She’s wearing the same long white dress she was wearing the day Castiel met her. Gordon gets to his feet smoothly and quickly goes back to the chair by the double-doors. Dean starts to stand but Castiel tightens his tail around him.

Lilith is smiling. It’s wide and fake and terrifying. “Castiel. Dean. How nice to see you again.” She makes a motion with her hand and Alistair moves from the couch. She sits where he was before and gestures at the couch opposite her. “Why don’t you two make yourselves more comfortable? There are a few things that I would like to discuss with you.”

Dean looks back at him, eyebrow raised. (Are you going to do it now, or later?)

Castiel lets the calm settle again and he focuses on feeling the minds of everyone in the room. (Does Alistair have a dart-gun too?)

(I don’t think so. I didn’t see him packing anything. But I wouldn’t put it past him to have one hidden somewhere. If you’re going to take out whoever has the gun, it would be better to hit them both at the same time.) Dean stands and Castiel wraps his arms around his shoulders when he lifts him from the trolley. (When are you going to do it?)

He folds his fans close against his back when Dean puts him on the couch, taking care that they don’t get caught on anything. (Put the trolley near the double-doors, it will get you closer to Gordon. As soon as he’s down, take his dart-gun. Things will move more smoothly if you have a weapon too.)

Dean’s approval curls through the kin-connection and he pats Castiel once on the shoulder before he goes back to the trolley. Lilith is staring at Castiel’s neck, her eyes narrowed. She looks to Dean when he moves the bucket closer to where Castiel is sitting – keeping up the ruse that they’re listening to orders. Her expression turns cold and hard. She watches him for a moment before looking back to Castiel and fixing another of her fake smiles in place.

“I assume Dean is translating for you.” She smoothes her dress over her lap and barely acknowledges Castiel’s nod. “In light of what happened previously, I think you’ll understand why I’m not demanding for you to talk to me like before.”

Castiel is barely paying attention to what Dean is translating for him. His breathing is slow and deep, centering himself as he focuses. He’ll need his anger to attack their minds properly. He thinks of everything that Alistair or Gordon or Lilith have done to upset him. He remembers Alistair tricking him and putting the poison in his arm that made him unable to move. He thinks about how they stole his blood and the scales from his tail. He thinks about Gordon’s hateful words and when Alistair had Dean pinned and broke his arm.

The rage boils in his stomach and his lungs start to feel too small. He reaches out and finds the minds of Gordon and Alistair. Lilith looks over sharply at a quiet, surprised noise from Alistair. He doesn’t wait to push all his anger through the links, shoving it violently into their minds. Castiel can feel when Gordon’s thoughts buckle, and Alistair’s shout echoes in the room. He watches as Lilith jumps to her feet, her hand moving to grip the pendant of the necklace around her throat.

His world ruptures.

The last thing he knows is Dean’s spiking concern before the kin-connection is ripped from him violently.

x

Castiel is cold. His entire body aches and his head is throbbing. It hurts more than it ever has any time when he wakes after being put to sleep by the dart-poison. He tries moving and groans at the discomfort that pulls at his muscles.

“Oh good, he’s awake.”

Lilith’s pleased tones dig into his head and Castiel hisses unhappily. He recognizes the words and knows what they mean, but it’s not how he’s used to understanding. Castiel doesn’t have the kin-connection with anyone right now and it only makes his head hurt to try and reach out for someone. He doesn’t even know where Dean is.  

“Come now, Castiel. Rise and shine.” Someone pats his cheek and Castiel tilts his head away from it, groaning at the dull ache that spreads down his spine at the movement.

He squeezes his eyes tight against the bright light that presses at his eyelids. He moves to cover them with his hand, but his arm stops short when he tries to lift it. Something cold and hard is wrapped around his wrist and higher up on his arm.

The patting to his cheek turns sharper and Lilith’s voice gets colder. “Wake up, Castiel.”

Alistair’s voice starts next. It sounds different than usual, strained and thick. “Use short words and keep it to something he’s likely to have learned from Winchester.”

Castiel hisses and turns his face from the bright light. He recognizes that last word as one used to refer to Dean. Dean. Where is he? “Dean?”

 “No.” Someone pulls at his hair, twisting his head back so the light is pressing at his eyes again. “No Dean. Wake up.”

No Dean? Why? Where is he? What did they to do him?

Worry starts thrumming through his veins and Castiel twitches, pulling at the cold hard things holding his arms. He shifts and trembles and everything hurts. He thinks his arms are being held down at his sides, but he can’t be sure. He tries drawing his tail up, but it won’t move. Hard things are pressing down over his scales in more than one place.

He squints against the light when he opens his eyes. Lilith is leaning over him, her smile stretched wide and she looks too pleased with herself for Castiel’s liking. She lets go of his hair and pats him on the cheek again.

“That’s a good boy.”

Castiel twists where he can, looking around the room. There’s a bright light on bending rods above him. He tries sitting up, but Lilith pushes at his shoulders and forces him to lay flat again. He thinks he’s on a table, but he can’t be sure without being allowed to check. There are other tables around and big machines he doesn’t know or recognize. They’re like nothing Dean has shown him in his memories.

Alistair is sitting at a table against the wall. His chair is much taller than any Castiel has seen before and he keeps touching things that make clinking noises. He tries sitting up again when Lilith turns away, just enough to look down at his body. Bands of metal are holding his wrists and his upper arms to the table, and rope is looped over his hips, half way down his tail, and closer to the end. It pinches his adipose fins to the table.

Lilith makes an annoyed noise when she turns around. She presses him back down again and she glares down at him. “Don’t move.”

Castiel hisses, baring his teeth and trying to twist away from her touch. His head hurts and it’s hard to focus, but he tries to remember all the words he’s learned over the last several days. His pronunciation is stilted at best. “Dean. Want Dean. Where Dean?”

She frowns and pulls a loop of string from around her wrist. She uses it to tie her hair back before she leans out of sight. “Forget him.”

He doesn’t know those words. Or he might know them but he can’t remember. Castiel starts pulling at the bands over his wrists. They dig painfully into his skin. “Dean okay? Dean hurt?”

Lilith makes the same annoyed noise and stands back up. She’s holding the blue collar again and Castiel growls. His wrists and arms burn where he twists them against the bonds, trying to wiggle them free. It’s too tight and he can’t even get the meat of the heel of his palm through it, even when he tries pressing his thumb and little finger together to narrow his hand.  

He curls his shoulders and tries leaning away when she reaches forward with the collar. “No! No collar! Not pet!” Her fingers are cold on his throat and Castiel hisses. She steps away quickly when he snaps at her hand.

“Alistair, come hold him still while I put this on.”

“No!” The end of his tail makes a slapping noise on the table and Castiel struggles harder.

“That has metal on it. If you’re planning on training him right now, I wouldn’t suggest putting that on until you’re done. It’ll leave marks.” Alistair doesn’t even look up but Lilith makes a face and puts it out of sight.

Alistair slips off his chair and he staggers slightly when he walks over. He pulls the table with his clinking things on it and he moves out of sight somewhere above Castiel’s head. Castiel tries turning to keep him in sight, but it hurts his neck and he can’t keep Lilith in sight when he does. She’s standing too close. Castiel narrows his eyes at Lilith and reaches for her mind. She flinches at the first touch and her hand goes to the pendent around her neck again.

Pain flares suddenly through his head and down his spine and Castiel isn’t sure if he screams or whether or not his back bows from the table. Everything ripples in his vision and then there is darkness.

He wakes to water splashing over his face.

Alistair is leaning over his tail and pulling at his adipose fins. Lilith has her elbows on the table beside Castiel’s head and her chin is propped on one hand, the other holds an empty cup that she shakes out over his chest.

“Don’t make me do that again, Castiel. I don’t like hurting you.” She puts the cup aside and tucks her hand under her chin. She almost looks bored and it irks him. Lilith tilts her head to look toward Alistair. “Can you turn down the juice so it doesn’t knock him out every time? It’ll be easier to train him if he stays conscious.”

Alistair doesn’t even bother looking up. “We could. It’s just a matter of changing the signal. What kind of samples am I allowed to take?”

She waves her hand. “Anything that doesn’t leave scars. He’s perfect and I don’t want him messed up. Turn down the wattage first. If he tries again, I don’t want him out.”

Castiel doesn’t understand any of this and it’s just making his head hurt to listen to all these words. He needs to make the kin-connection, but the pain had happened the last time he touched Lilith’s mind and he doesn’t want that to happen again. It had happened the first time when he had been attacking Alistair and Gordon and he’s not sure how or why but he does know that it happens when Lilith touches her necklace.

It’s hard to focus, but he tilts his head to see the pendant hanging around her neck. It’s nothing but a circle with an outline of another circle at the center. It doesn’t look like anything special, but humans have so many things that are so different and Castiel doesn’t know if it’s anything important or not. His stomach keeps turning and he wants to curl up, to get away from Alistair’s prodding, tugging touch. He wants to sink into the ocean, small-sea, or very-small-sea, anywhere and breathe water through his gills.

He wants Dean.

Castiel’s throat burns when he says his name. His voice is rough and his throat sore and asking for Dean only makes Lilith’s expression harden. She lifts the pendant again and swings it back and forth. Lilith’s smile is cold and cruel when she notices that he flinches from it. “Oh, so you did figure it out! You’re the smartest pet I’ve ever owned.”

Alistair moves across the room and out of sight. Castiel can hear the tapping sounds of someone typing at a computer. He comes back a few moments later and stops at Castiel’s hip. Castiel hisses when he touches the hole in his adipose fin and he tries squirming out of reach.

Panic is knotting through his chest tight and hard and his fins are rippling against the ropes and table. If he tries talking to Alistair or Lilith, they’ll make the pain come back. If he doesn’t have the kin-connection, he won’t know what they’re saying. He won’t know where Dean is, or if he’s okay, or if he’ll ever get to see him again.

“Do you have to train him out of that right now? I’d like to get an EEG while he’s using his telepathy. Same with a recipient. We could get Dean in here for that.” Alistair doesn’t look up while he’s talking and his fingers keep pulling at the hole in his adipose fin, tugging it flat so it doesn’t move.

Lilith’s face hardens again and she drops her hand, fingers touching lightly over Castiel’s clavicle. “If you want to study that, pick someone else. I don’t want them talking anymore.”

“Sam or Jess then? I just want to see what differences there are between his mind and our own. We should get an MRI too. Of him and the recipient.”

“You know I don’t care about this science stuff.” Lilith sighs and starts twirling her fingers in Castiel’s hair. “You’re only doing it because we need to have some kind of results for the lab when we get back. But no one else is going to get to study him or have him.” Her fingers tighten in his hair and she turns a cold look to Alistair. “He’s mine.”

 Castiel tries tilting his head out from under her touch. He can’t move far and Lilith just smiles and drags him back into place by his hair. It’s hard to breathe. It feels like something is lodged in his throat and his wrists are burning where the metal is digging into them.

“I want to train him out of this annoying habit of his as soon as I can. Do you have what you need to run those tests?”

“We don’t have an MRI, but we’ve got the components to put together an EEG.” Alistair touches the clinking table and picks up something that looks like a pen, but it ends in what even Castiel can recognize as a knife.

He starts squirming against his bonds again and Lilith pets his hair and coos soft noises as Alistair cuts out a section of his adipose fin. Castiel holds back a whimper and he digs his claws into his palm. It distracts from the burn in the soft webbing at his hip.

“I told you not to do anything that would scar him!” Lilith snaps, standing straight.

“It’ll heal. Just like that hole right there. Meg gave it to him during his first escape attempt and it’s less than half the size it was before. Winchester’s notes say that they heal fast.” Alistair stops cutting and it’s from the corner of his eye that Castiel sees him put the section of his fin into a clear, round container.

His hatred for Alistair doubles. This is the second time he’s taken a piece of Castiel without his permission and he despises him for it. His scales, a piece of his fin, his blood. What else is he going to take from him? Castiel pulls at the bonds around his wrists and he doesn’t even notice the sting as they scrape over his skin.

He’s reaching for Alistair’s mind before he realizes it. Alistair staggers to one side, almost dropping the clear container. He puts a hand to his head and makes a strangled noise of surprise.

“He’s doing it again!”

Lilith huffs in annoyance and Castiel has a close up view of her pushing the indented circle on her pendant before the pain spreads from the back of his head straight down his spine and through his brain. It’s not as bad as before, but it still makes his vision swim and a pained cry to rip from his throat. The table rattles with the shaking of his body, but the world doesn’t go dark like it did before.

Castiel doesn’t really know what’s happening for several long minutes. He sees Lilith and Alistair talking and gesturing at each other, but he doesn’t hear their words over the thudding of his heart. Everything hurts and his fingers keep twitching. He doesn’t know how the pain keeps happening but he knows it happens when Lilith presses the pendant. He knows that it’s impossible to try and hold the kin-connection when agony is rattling through his muscles.

“Now are you going to try that again?” Lilith leans over him again, but the words are nothing to him and he stares at her blankly. She makes an annoyed noise and grips his chin, using the hold to shake his head slightly. “Pay attention, Castiel.  Are you going to try that again?”

“He probably doesn’t understand you.” Alistair’s voice is coming from farther away now. “If you actually want to communicate with him, he either needs to link with you or someone else.”

She huffs in frustration and leans away. “Then go get Sam or Jessica. Anyone but Dean. I’m not letting Castiel back in my head until he’s learned not to do that thing he does.”

Castiel watches Alistair leave the room through a door to the left. He doesn’t hear any voices or noises in the hallway beyond, but he still pulls at his restraints. He takes one deep breath before shouting toward the open door.

“Dean! Dean!”

He keeps calling, even when Lilith slams her hand onto the table next to his head. Castiel needs to know where Dean is. He needs to know that he’s safe and unhurt. He wants Dean here, with him, where he can make sure he’s okay. Where Dean can translate for him and give him comfort through the kin-connection. He’d be just fine if he had Dean.

“Stop it!” Lilith slaps him with the back of her hand and he stumbles to a momentary stop.  

His cheek stings and Castiel snarls at her, struggling harder against the table. “Dean! Where Dean? Want Dean!”

He doesn’t need the kin-connection to see that calling for Dean is only making Lilith more and more angry. Her hand closes around his throat and Castiel’s shouts choke off into nothing. He’s painfully reminded of the last time he wasn’t able to breathe, staring up at the fake bright-pearls and gasping for breath. Lilith presses hard, leaning her weight on his throat and Castiel can’t do anything to stop her. He can’t do anything but scrabble at her mind in an attempt to make her let go.

Lilith pulls back sharply and Castiel’s chest heaves as the air rushes into his lungs. He coughs and gasps and cries out hoarsely when she presses her pendant again. The pain splits his head and courses through his veins and she holds it until a new voice is shouting at her and there are hands at his shoulders, holding him flat to the table.

Castiel’s vision is blurry and he can’t focus. His skin is tingling in sharp bursts all over and his head is aching. He manages a quiet whimper when hands cup his face and stroke over the scales of his side fans.

“Castiel? It’s me. It’s Sam. Can you hear me?”

“Sam?” He manages around another cough. Images are becoming clear again and he recognizes the long hair and concerned eyes. “Sam.”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s me. Do the kin-connection. Come on. The kin-connection.”

Castiel shakes his head. No, if he does the kin-connection then Lilith is going to press her pendant again like she did before and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want the pain to happen again. It makes the world tilt and his body burn. Lilith leans into view next to Sam and her pendant swings forward. Castiel flinches away from it and she smiles. It’s cold and cruel and Castiel hates it just as much as he hates her.

She reaches out and taps his forehead before tapping Sam’s temple. “It’s okay. Go ahead Castiel.”

Lilith is giving him permission. It must be okay if she’s telling him to do it. Castiel is still wary when he reaches for Sam’s mind. Sam is much less used to the kin-connection than Dean. He doesn’t know how to strengthen the connection when Castiel only gives it a weak, cursory touch. Sam’s thoughts are a tidal wave of calm and concern and it soothes over his mind.

(It’s okay, it’s okay.) Sam gently runs a hand over Castiel’s side-fan, his thumb stroking along one of the spines. He turns his face into the comforting touch. It’s not Dean’s hands, but Sam’s scent is similar and reassuring and it’s something he needs right now.

(Is Dean okay?)

Sam smiles slightly and he pats Castiel gently on the arm. (He’s fine. He was brought back to your room. Jess and I were there because we went to check on you guys but you were already gone to Lilith’s. Dean’s really, really unhappy with whatever they did and he’s really worried about you.)

Castiel’s tail spasms against the ropes stretched over his scales. He pushes an image of Lilith’s necklace into the kin-connection and the memories of the blinding pain when she presses at it. Sam glances over his shoulder at Lilith and she smiles, lifting her pendant and swinging it back and forth again.

(I think it’s a remote control.) Sam stands up straighter, hand squeezing over Castiel’s shoulder. “What did you do to him?”

“I’d love to tell you, but then you’ll just figure out how to stop it and that wouldn’t do us any good.” Lilith smiles sweetly and she pats Castiel’s tail, uncomfortably close to his sheath. He doesn’t think that she knows where she’s touching, but it makes his stomach twist and he tries to shift away from her hand.

“When did you even have the chance to do it?” Sam’s eyes narrow and he gets a nervous edge to his thoughts and his voice.

Castiel tries to remember when he was ever left alone and unconscious with Alistair or Gordon. But his memories don’t make sense. Everything is mixed up and everything hurts. He wants to go to sleep. He wants the rush of water over his skin and the warmth of Dean against him. Why is this happening? Why can’t Lilith just let him go? Is Mother-Sea punishing him? What could he have ever done to deserve this?

Sam keeps squeezing at his shoulder and brushing his thumb against the spine of his back-fan. (When they broke Dean’s arm… you were brought back to the room by one of them. It’s when they chained you up in the tank. They must have done something. Does it… Can you tell where the pain originates?)

He shakes his head, and the movement sends an ache flaring from the top of his spine out across his skull. (The back of my head? It’s…) He has hazy memories of Dean’s fingers sliding up his neck and through his hair. (When Dean touched there before, it kind of hurt. I never really noticed because there was always something else happening.) It’s hard to notice anything else when Dean kisses him.

(Is Dean okay?) He turns his face toward Sam, pressing his cheek to his wrist. (Did they hurt him?)

Confusion slips through the kin-connection and Sam bends over again, pressing his hand to Castiel’s forehead. (You asked that already. Don’t you remember?)

Castiel’s brow furrows and he shakes his head. He doesn’t remember asking or Sam’s answer. When did he do that? When did Sam get here? Everything is fuzzy. He vaguely remembers him saying something about Dean. But thoughts keep slipping away and he’s having trouble thinking about anything anymore.

(It didn’t work.)

Sam frowns and keeps feeling Castiel’s face. He doesn’t understand why he keeps touching his forehead or feeling his neck. (What didn’t?)

(I was going to overload the kin-connection. Knock out Alistair and Gordon. Make Lilith give you supplies and  a lifeboat and let us go.) Castiel looks down at Lilith and Alistair. They’re standing by the end of his tail and Alistair has a handful of thin things that look like… like jellyfish tentacles, or the spaghetti noodles he ate. They end in small round disks.

(It didn’t work. Lilith used the pendant and I –) Castiel’s fins rustle against the rope. (He took a piece of me again. Like he did with my scales.)

Sam looks away. He reaches down and Castiel can feel his fingers at his hip and sliding over his adipose fins. He twitches at the touch. Sam’s hand is warm, but it’s not the same heat of Dean’s skin and it’s not cold like Lilith’s. Castiel hisses when he touches the place that still burns.

(It’s bleeding a little. It’ll heal. You’ll be fine.) Sam moves and touches his wrist. (You’re shredding your wrists. Stop pulling.)

Castiel shakes his head again and twists his arms against the bonds. (She was choking me. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t breathe.)

(Castiel. Listen to me.) Sam leans over him, filling his sight almost all the way to the edges. Everything is Sam’s wide brown eyes and his concern fills his mind. (I know you don’t like what’s happening and you want it to stop, but to do that you need to stop fighting it. The quicker you let them get done what they want to do, the sooner it’ll be over.)

Panic flutters hard against his ribs and the end of his tail slaps against the table, making Lilith and Alistair look over. The circled-tentacles make a weird rustling noise when Alistair moves his hand. (Why was she – And what are those? What does he want to do with them?)

(I don’t know.) Sam turns and exchanges questions and words that Castiel doesn’t pay attention to.

Images of the circles being stuck to Castiel’s forehead and Sam’s come through the kin-connection. Sam explains quickly that they’re to help see brain waves. There’s excitement curling under Sam’s thoughts and Castiel knows it’s because he’s curious too. Sam is a scientist, like Alistair, but not like Alistair. He wants to know how the kin-connection works just as much as the others do.

(He wants to see inside my head?) Castiel’s side-fans flare and he tries pulling at his arms again but Sam presses against them.

(Yes and no. We’re not going to see inside your head, we’re going to see what electricity your brain gives off when using the kin-connection. He’ll want us to break it so they can see what it’s like normally. For you and me. Then he’ll ask you to make the connection again and measure us both again.) Sam let’s up just slightly. (It’s not like the x-ray that sees under your skin. We’re not looking inside your body. We’re just going to see what kind of things your body gives off during the use of the kin-connection.)

(No. I don’t want it.) Castiel starts pulling and Sam leans on his arms again. (Please. I want to go back to small-sea. I won’t hurt their minds again. Please. Tell her I won’t do it again.)

Sam’s expression falls and regret passes over his thoughts. (They’re still going to do it. But it’ll be okay. They’ll let you go back to the tank after that.) There’s a hesitation to his thoughts and Sam starts petting his hair again. (Lilith hurt you because you kept calling for Dean and it was pissing her off. She’s really not happy that you two went and hicky-ed each other up. She’s… if you two aren’t careful she’s going to keep Dean locked in his bunk and she won’t let him see you.)

“No!” Horror spirals hard through his chest and into his stomach. Castiel starts thrashing against the ropes and the metal bonds. (No! Don’t take Dean away!)

Sam presses at his shoulders. (She won’t if you’re careful. Please calm down, Castiel. You need to be calm for Alistair to do his test. The sooner he’s done, the sooner you can get back to the tank and to Dean, okay? Do you understand?)

Castiel takes deep, gasping breaths and he pushes against his Sam’s hands. They can’t take Dean away. Dean is one of the very few things that make being trapped here even slightly tolerable. He still hates it, but it’s not as bad as it could be as long as he has Dean.

“What did you say to him?” Lilith pulls at Sam’s shoulder, jerking him back a step. “Make him stop!”

“I can’t! I’m trying and he’s not listening!” Sam shakes her hand off and Castiel stops listening.

He stretches out with his mind and searches. He finds the presence of so many minds. Too many. Dozens of them and he can’t tell, he can’t focus enough, to figure out which one is Dean’s. He doesn’t want to make the link with anyone new, he just needs to know that Dean is okay and still there and they won’t take him away.

It’s only a brief glimpse, but he sees Lilith’s hand move to her throat and he stills. He goes limp against the table and his breath comes in short, sharp bursts. He doesn’t want the pain again. Please, don’t give him the pain that burns through his muscles again.

Lilith pauses, lowering her hand as a pleased smile pulls at her lips.“Good. He’s learning.” She gestures over her shoulder. “Alistair, do your test. I’m tired and I want this over with.”

Sam’s dislike spikes through the kin-connection and he squeezes Castiel’s arm slightly. (She’s using torture to train you. This is disgusting.)

Castiel closes his eyes to the lights and he tries to shut off. He tries to find that calm that he had before. Sam keeps trying to press a soothing touch over his mind, but it’s not working. Castiel is too agitated, too nervous and worried and scared. He doesn’t know what will make Lilith use her pendant again, but he knows what won’t.

He doesn’t fight or move when Sam presses the circular disks to his forehead. And when he’s instructed to sever the kin-connection, he does it immediately. Castiel thinks about nothing, letting his thoughts drift loosely until the tap on his shoulder tells him to make the link again. Sam attempts to send calming thoughts as soon as they’re connected again and he presses them gently along the edges of Castiel’s mind. He coaxes Castiel to talk to him, asking him questions that Castiel answers in short words or images.

Lilith’s yawn cuts through one of Sam’s question and Castiel nearly flinches. “Okay, boys. That’s enough. Put away your toys. It’s been a long few days and I’m tired.”

Castiel agrees. He’s tired too. He doesn’t open his eyes until Sam removes the sticky circles. He hears someone moving above his head and he bites back a cry when Alistair grips his hair and jerks his head back. His other hand folds over Castiel’s chin, keeping his head tilted and forcing his jaw closed. The table rattles with how hard he’s struggling against the bonds holding his arms down.

“What the hell are you doing?” Sam’s shouting gets cut off with a soft grunt and Castiel hears a crash.

The braided rope of the collar rubs at his skin and Castiel hates the familiar weight of it when Lilith clips it in place. As soon as Alistair lets go, he shakes his head and immediately regrets it. It makes the room spin and his head throbs.

Lilith makes soft ticking noises and starts petting his hair. “You shouldn’t do that, sweetie. You’ll just hurt yourself more.” She pats at his shoulder once before moving out of sight.

The table shakes slightly as someone unties the ropes and opens the metal cuffs binding his wrists and arms to its surface. His limbs feel heavy and he doesn’t want to move. It was a bad idea to keep his eyes closed before and now he wants to just keep them closed constantly. He’s on the verge of tipping into unconsciousness but he doesn’t want to sleep, not yet, not until he’s seen Dean and made sure with his own eyes that he’s fine.

Sam touches his arm gently. (Castiel, are you okay? I’m going to take you back to the room now.)

He nods and sends a soft pulse of confirmation through the kin-connection. He cracks open his eyes only for a moment before closing them again. Sam’s concern is vibrating through the kin-connection and it’s evident on his face. He’s worried about how Castiel is acting right now. He’s worried that Lilith did worse than the burning pain and the hand on his throat.

Sam smoothes his hand gently through Castiel’s hair once before lifting his arm over his shoulders. Castiel groans softly. The movement stretches the ache in his muscles and his head lolls against Sam’s cheek when he lifts him, one arm under the bend of his tail and the other pinning his fans to his back.

He takes a few steps and stops suddenly. It draws another groan of displeasure from Castiel but it cuts off when cold fingers close around the arm folded over his stomach. He opens his eyes again and a chill creeps over his skin at how close Lilith is standing.

She lifts his arm until he can see the bleeding rings of red around his wrist. Lilith is frowning and she shakes his arm again. “Don’t do this again. If these scar, I will be very unhappy.”

“You’re worried about a few scratches, but you’ll let Alistair cut off an actual piece of him.” Sam’s voice is thick with the same anger that makes the kin-connection tremble. “You’ve got a fucked up sense of ownership there.”

She ignores him completely and shakes Castiel’s arm again. “Take care of these before you go. And Castiel –” Lilith leans in close and the nauseating scent that clings to her hair and clothes makes him want to sneeze. “ – You are not allowed to set up your little link with anyone else unless I give you permission. That includes Dean. Understand?” To emphasize her point, she puts her hand to the pendant.

Castiel’s adipose fins ripple and his fans rustle and narrow, flattening as he ducks his head. He doesn’t want the pain again. But he doesn’t want to be kept from Dean like that. She can’t know when he uses it. She won’t be able to monitor him at all times. He nods, keeping his adverted.

Sam’s thoughts fill with curse words and his movements are stiff and angry. He has to put Castiel back down on the table, and he sits with his tail hanging to the floor. Alistair brings over rolls of the white bandages and a small bottle. Castiel watches absently as he hands them to Sam and walks away again. Sam pours a clear liquid over his wrists and the scratches on his upper arms. It stings, making him hiss and wince. His fans flare before flattening.

Apologies filter through the kin-connection as Sam wraps the bandages around the marks made by the metal bonds. The press of the cloth hurts and Castiel wants to pull his hands away, but Sam’s fingers are tight where they hold him.

When Sam picks him up again, Lilith leads the way out of the room. Castiel frowns, looking around. The hallway looks very familiar. He recognizes the elevator doors and the other few doors lining the walls. He’s seen the layout before and he realizes it’s the same hall that small-sea is off of.

There are guards waiting outside one of the doors and they make room for Lilith to press her square white card to the grey square next to the door. The door beeps and she leads the way inside. Dean stops his quick back and forth crossing from small-sea to the opposite ledge and back. Jess gets up from her chair in front of the computer and grabs his arm to keep him from moving forward. Small-sea is full again and very-small-sea is gone.

Jess has to pull at Dean’s arm again as he steps toward them. “Sammy, Cas, you guys okay?”

Lilith steps between them and presses her hand to Dean’s chest. “You stay right where you are. Sam, put Castiel in the tank.” She holds her other hand out to Jess. “Give me the key.”

Jess’s opens and closes her mouth a few times, looking from Lilith to Dean. “I… I don’t have the key anymore.”

She turns her hand to Dean. “Hand it over, Winchester.”

Dean turns his glare on her. “What for?”

“I’m confining him to the tank. Castiel isn’t allowed to move about outside of it anymore.”

Anger bursts bright through the kin-connection with Sam and Castiel winces, ducking his head again and leaning his temple against Sam’s shoulder. Dean actually growls and his whole body gets tight. “No. You can’t do that to him.”

“I can do what I want with him. He belongs to me.” She curls her fingers a few times. “Give me the key, Dean.” Her other hand moves up in front of her and out of sight. Castiel tenses, anxiety burning hot through his veins.

(Tell Dean to give her the key. He doesn’t know about the remote control yet and she might use it just to make him listen.) Sam’s thoughts are sour and unhappy and when Castiel tilts his head back to see his expression, his face is hard and dark.

He nods and looks back. “Dean –”

Lilith turns around at the same time that Jess and Dean look up at him. Her eyebrows are raised, but she’s not glaring at Castiel like she did when he attempted the kin-connection previously. Dean expression changes from anger to uncertainty and Castiel licks his lips before looking away. He doesn’t want to see the disappointment and whatever else might show on Dean’s face when he tells him.

“Dean. Give key. Please.”

He hears a muffled noises of surprise from Jess, but there’s nothing from Dean and he’s tempted to look, just to see. He wants to reach out and twists his fingers in Dean’s shirt, press his face to his neck, and wrap himself around him. He wants to burrow under Dean’s clothing and soak in his heat and seek solace in his mind like he does with the sea.

All these wants and he can’t have any of them. Not with Lilith and her pendant and the pain that makes his head not work properly. He repeats his plea until he hears Dean make a disgusted noise and when he looks up, Dean is pulling the key from his pocket and dropping it into Lilith’s palm.

Dean crosses his arms tightly over his chest and leans heavily against the ledge. He glares at everything that isn’t Castiel as Sam carries him to the platform. Jess helps him lift and push Castiel over the edge of the glass-wall. He tries to help by pulling himself up too, but his arms feel too weak and his tail just doesn’t seem to be working right.

He breathes the water deep, letting it fill his lungs as he sinks to the bottom of small-sea. The bars boom shut above the water and Lilith steps up onto the platform to lock them. Dean stops her from leaving the room when she goes to leave, putting himself between her and the door.

Castiel settles on his stomach, arms folded under his chin. Dean and Lilith are exchanging sharp words and Dean keeps gesturing at the small-sea and Castiel. He watches quietly for several minutes. With each passing moment, the urge to touch Dean’s mind grows.

He chews lightly at his bottom lip and looks at Lilith. She’s not looking at him and there are no machines in this room that could tell her that he’s using the kin-connection. He looks between them again and then to Sam and Jess standing at the corner of small-sea and watching the interaction between Dean and Lilith.

He doesn’t need Sam’s translations to know that Dean is trying to find out what happened in her room earlier and Castiel wishes he could tell Dean. He wants to hear Dean’s voice in his head and feel his emotions playing over his own. Castiel needs that connection with him again.

A beat of warning sounds through his link with Sam and he ignores it. Lilith has no way of knowing if he’s using the kin-connection with Dean. Castiel still braces himself for the pain, just in case, as he stretches his touch to Dean’s mind. It’s so much easier to make the contact when he can see where he is. Dean doesn’t have much of a reaction but his eyes slide from Lilith to him.

Castiel gets a few brief flashes of confusion, concern and anxiety before everything gives way to relief. He closes his eyes and fully accepts the peaceful – if confused – waves that wash through the kin-connection. A weight in his chest lifts and Castiel sighs softly as his own nervousness uncoils slowly.

Another pulse of warning flares bright at the edge of his mind where he’s still connected with Sam. Castiel looks up again and he thinks he can actually feel his heart skitter-stop in his chest at Lilith’s burning glare. Her fingers are already closing over the pendant and he doesn’t even get the chance to object before the same hurt as before sears through his head and forces a ragged cry from his throat.

The kin-connection links are torn from him again and Castiel is left at a lonely loss as his body sings with pain.