The Past As Lila

/Akari Pov/

In my past life, I was an orphan named Lila. But I had two parents before becoming an orphan. My mother was lovely, and she always took such good care of me and loved me so much. Until...

She died in a car accident because of me.

I was just four years old at the time, and my mother and I were going for a walk at the park. I noticed a small kitten while playing on the playground and became fascinated by it. As I came closer, it ran away, so I decided to chase after it, not realizing that doing so would lead me astray. I looked around for my mother and found myself in the middle of the street.

I can still recall, as vivid as daylight, what happened next...

A car approached me rapidly, and in that instant, I froze. All I could think of in that heart-stopping moment was to cry out, "Mama!"

And then, almost miraculously, she saved me. She pushed me out of harm's way just as the car was about to hit me. When I finally managed to open my eyes after being thrown so forcefully, I was met with a scene of blood. I rushed closer to see if she was alright, but the truth hit me like a crushing weight - she was gone, her life quickly passing away.

It was a horrible memory, and I was so young at the time that I didn't think it was my fault. Because all I could think about at the time was bringing her back.

After my Dad learned about the accident, things took a dark turn. He started hitting me every day, placing the blame squarely on my shoulders for everything that had happened. While my Mom was alive, I didn't see my father much because he was always at work. But now, with her gone, he was a constant presence in my life. The violence escalated, and he would strike me repeatedly, even going so far as to deny me meals on occasion.

Until one fateful day, when I was about four years and six months old, I mustered the courage to confront him. With bruised cheeks and tears streaming down my face, I asked him, "Why do you hurt me... papa?"

His expression that day was horrifying, like that of a monstrous figure. He advanced towards me, his anger palpable, and delivered a forceful slap while shouting, "Huh?! It's your fault! My wife died because of you!"

That's when I realized... Mama died because of me.

After this incident, my father was unable to care for me and abandoned me in an orphanage.

Upon my arrival at the orphanage, I stood before its entrance, empty-handed. I had nothing to my name - no clothes, no food, not even a photograph of my mom. Overwhelmed by sadness and pain, I couldn't even bring myself to knock on the door. Instead, I ran away from the orphanage in fear.

I ran and ran until exhaustion overtook me. Finally, I found a place to sit, near an elderly man selling newspapers. He noticed me and approached with gentle caution, taking care not to startle me. He sat down beside me, offering a kind smile that warmed my heart.

His gaze was filled with warmth as he looked at me, and he gently inquired, "What are you doing here all alone, kid?"

His pronunciation brought a small giggle to my lips, but as soon as I realized I had laughed, I quickly apologized to him for any perceived rudeness.

He chuckled and replied, "No need to apologize. I'm glad I could bring a smile to your face."

I noticed that he had resumed speaking in a regular accent. It dawned on me that he had intentionally used that pronunciation to lift my spirits. A small smile formed on my lips, and I expressed my gratitude by saying, "Thank you."

Returning my smile, he introduced himself, saying, "My name is Yasu. And what's your name?"

I paused for a while, knowing that trusting strangers is unsafe.

He studied me for a moment, then seemed to grasp something, asking, "You appear to be around 5 years old, and yet you're quite wise to be cautious around strangers."

Rather than responding, I hugged myself a little tighter. His lack of a family name caught my attention, and I found myself pondering whether he, too, had experienced abandonment. The unspoken connection between us lingered in the air.

Mr. Yasu chuckled and reassured, "You don't have to tell me if you're not comfortable. It's perfectly okay."

I felt horrible, but I was hesitant because I didn't know this old man.

He turned his gaze towards me, his smile warm and understanding. He opened up, saying, "I was abandoned by my parents when I was very young."

Ahh...I knew it.

He continued, his tone gentle, "I was left at the orphanage just down the street, in the direction you were running away from."

I learned he had been abandoned by the same orphanage as mine.

"The orphanage was frightening in the beginning, but I ended up having a lot of fun there," he carried on, reminiscing. "I formed friendships, and as I reached the appropriate age, I left and began working in a distant location. But eventually, I found myself missing the sense of belonging. So, I chose to retire from my job, return here, and sell newspapers while spending time with the kids."

I gazed at him, overwhelmed with a sense of awe and admiration.

He met my gaze with a smile and playfully remarked, "Ah, you're finally looking at me."

A touch of embarrassment tinged my cheeks. I had been on the verge of saying something, but I chose to remain silent instead.

Recognizing my unease, he shifted his focus and began showing me a picture in one of the newspapers he held. "Take a look..." he encouraged gently.

I directed my gaze to the newspaper, and despite the limited color palette of black and white, the person in the picture exuded a captivating charm. Her beauty was undeniable and immediately seized my attention, leaving me in sheer awe.

Observing my stunned expression, Mr. Yasu smiled and began to explain who the person in the photograph was. "This is the globally renowned idol, Akemi! She was once part of a Japanese girl group, but she chose to embark on a solo journey. While many doubted her success, going solo turned out to be the best decision she ever made. Her songs became adored by many, and her dance moves went viral. She epitomizes the ideal of a perfect idol!"

In that moment, I was completely captivated by the story of this idol. I found myself hanging onto every word Mr. Yasu spoke, willingly listening for hours on end. It was during that time that I realized I had become a fan the idol Akemi.

"You know," he continued with a smile, "even though I'm quite old, I've become an enormous fan of hers due to her courage and the charisma that's so compelling. I don't own a phone or a television, so I rely on newspapers to learn about her journey. The tough choices she had to make... it takes immense courage. Akemi is a resilient and flawless woman. Many young girls would aspire to be like her. I hold great admiration for what Akemi has achieved for all of us."

I caught the sincerity in his smile, and it resonated with me deeply. It was in that moment that I found myself falling in love with Akemi's story, and a new aspiration was born within me: 'Maybe I could become like her someday,' I mused. An idea began to form in my mind.

Suddenly, a surge of determination filled me, and I stood up abruptly, bowing deeply to Mr. Yasu as a heartfelt expression of gratitude. Then, without hesitation, I raced back towards the orphanage. As I ran, I called out to him, my voice carrying in the air, "I promise, I'll come visit you again, Mr. Yasu!"

Mr. Yasu wore a contented, joyful smile on his face as he waved back to me. In his mind, he silently reflected, 'I'm glad I could bring happiness to her.'

I dashed back to the orphanage and knocked on the door. I was nervous at first, but as the people there embraced me with open arms, I no longer felt nervous. I rapidly adjusted to my new surroundings. I made a lot of friends and was dubbed 'Smiley Lila' in the orphanage. I also paid Mr. Yasu visits from time to time to assist him and to hear more Akemi stories and daily news. I also began to study more and found it easier to read books. As a result, I was able to borrow some newspapers from Mr. Yasu in order to learn more about my idol Akemi.

On a particular day, I sought out Mr. Yasu, only to be met with a heartwarming surprise. He presented me with two gifts - a book about dancing and another about singing! My happiness overflowed, and tears of joy streamed down my face. Mr. Yasu even went out of his way to acquire magazines with colored pictures, especially for me. I would eagerly flip through pages filled with images of Akemi's modeling, news about her life, and her awards.

During the nights, I would stay up late, diligently practicing my dancing. Occasionally, I would catch Nana checking in on me, but she would leave me to my efforts, appreciating my dedication. Come morning, I would find my secluded spot behind my favorite tree, a bit away from the orphanage, and practice singing. This way, nobody would overhear me. Many of my fellow orphans weren't keen on the idea of becoming idols, as they considered it an unreachable dream.

They would tell me...

"That's impossible Lila, you're just an orphan girl."

"Being an idol is only for rich people."

"Lila, being an idol is not something you could reach."

My orphanage buddies aren't being rude; they're only expressing their opinions. Despite this, I believe I have a chance to be one. It's not impossible if you keep trying, if you think about it. After hearing this story, Mr. Yasu decided to buy me a music tape as a second gift. I was so excited that I practiced singing the songs almost every day and came up with steps that supported each phrase flawlessly.

As I neared the completion of my preparations, I approached Mr. Yasu with determination in my eyes. "In just three days, I'll present you with the most incredible performance ever!" I declared to him.

Mr. Yasu chuckled warmly and nodded, saying, "I'm looking forward to it. Show me what you've got!"

Just as I was preparing to leave for practice, Mr. Yasu halted me and handed me a wrapped gift. He instructed, "Hold off on opening this until the day you will perform for me. Consider it a surprise."

Baffled, I inquired, "Eh? Why not just give it to me in three days when I perform?"

He chuckled and replied, "Just in case I forget amidst all the excitement."

His smile was there, but there was something different about it. However, I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason behind that feeling.

A realization struck me: I had never actually shared my name with him. Every time we met, he would refer to me as 'Kid' or 'Pretty Girl'. Yet, on that day, I chose to withhold my name. I wanted it to remain a surprise for my performance.

So I left to work hard on surprising him.

Little did I know, my overwhelming excitement would rob me of my final moments with him.

Three days later...

"Mr. Yasu? W-Where did you go?"

__________

"Hey is that kid okay?"

"Should we help that kid? It's really snowing heavily right now."

"Never mind that kid, we have to much trouble in our plate already."

Where is he? Where is he?

Just three days ago I was with him, and now his... his!!!

"Mr. Yasu? W-Where did you go?" I stammered, my voice filled with a mixture of confusion and concern.

I felt it, a surge of sadness overwhelming my heart.

"Mr. Yasu!!!"

I began to run, my search becoming frantic as I looked everywhere for him. Tears streamed down my cheeks, and my voice grew hoarse from shouting repeatedly.

"Mr. Yasu! Mr. Yasu!" I panted, my voice strained from calling out desperately.

I kept running and running, until...

Until...

I realized that I should stop running.

I sank to my knees, the cold from the snow seeping through, but I hardly noticed. The physical discomfort was nothing compared to the anguish welling up inside me. Deep down, I understood why he wasn't there, yet I couldn't bring myself to accept it.

I yelled out to myself, a mix of frustration and grief in my voice, "HOW DID I KNOW?! H-How could I have known..."

I was different from the other kids. Some adults have noticed that I am more mature than other kids my age. I was smarter and could do things that a six-year-old couldn't. They said I was born with amazing skill, and adults would feel sorry for me because my father would abandon such a talented girl like me. I was able to understand situations much quickly and more clearly than others.

I was consumed by anger because I had a hint that Mr. Yasu's time was limited. However, I stubbornly refused to believe or accept it. I clung to the small hope that he might survive long enough for me to reach my teenage years. And now, I regret having held onto that belief so fiercely.

Mr. Yasu's praise for my intelligence used to bring me immense joy. Yet, looking back, I find myself wishing I didn't possess any of those qualities.

Tears streamed down my face as I whispered through sobs, "I'm sorry... I should have told you my name earlier... I'm so sorry..."

Mr. Yasu... I am grateful for the kindness you showed me and for being a part of my life. I'm sorry that I couldn't express my gratitude and repay your kindness sooner.

__________

I had been missing for several hours, causing the orphanage staff to grow concerned. They organized a search party to look for me.

I had hid myself beneath some cardboard boxes near the spot where Mr. Yasu used to sell newspapers and magazines. Despite the cold, I was determined to remain there. However, the cold grew more intense, causing my hands and face to freeze. Eventually, I succumbed to the cold and lost consciousness. When I came to, I found Nana standing in front of me, her expression filled with concern.

Nana's words were muffled by the intense cold that had gripped me. She gently picked me up and swiftly carried me back to the orphanage. There, she wrapped me in warm blankets and provided me with hot chocolate to drink. Once I had finished the comforting drink, my exhaustion took over, and I drifted off to sleep.

Upon awakening and regaining my strength, I noticed Nana sitting beside me, engrossed in knitting a scarf. As soon as she realized I was awake, she embraced me tightly, her voice trembling with tears as she scolded gently, "Do you have any idea how worried I was? Promise me you won't do something like that again."

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I returned her hug tightly. My voice quivered as I asked, "Is it true, Nana? Is Mr. Yasu really gone?"

I already knew he was gone. And yet, I still hang on in that small hope that he was still alive.

Nana cupped my face tenderly, her gaze meeting mine as she spoke, "Sometimes I believed you would never shed tears due to how mature you appear. Yet seeing you like this, I'm reminded that you're still just a child. I realize you're well aware, but remember that some people have to depart from us."

When I heard that, I felt I had no choice but to accept it. But I still cried because it was too terrible and I missed him. I've lost two important individuals in my life. Most people would cry as a result of this, but I was reminded of how strong my favorite idol was.

Akemi is a strong idol, if I want to be like her, I should know how to accept this.

As my emotions gradually settled, Nana gave me some space to come to terms with everything. Seizing the opportunity, I decided to open the gift Mr. Yasu had left me. I was taken aback by its contents: a stunning, comfortable yellow dress, clearly designed for ease of movement while dancing. To my astonishment, a letter accompanied the dress.

I opened the letter, and its contents revealed...

[Hey Pretty Girl. It's me, the old man, Mr. Yasu. If I'm still around, I'd probably have tried to take this letter away from you. But if not, then you can continue reading. You're just six years old, yet you've experienced so much pain at such a young age. I'm sorry for leaving you behind. Truly, I am sorry. You see, the doctor informed me several months ago that I had only a few months left to live. However, a few weeks ago, I received a call that offered a chance for me to live longer, perhaps until you reach your teenage years, if I successfully undergo a risky surgery.

As I write this letter, I've learned from your Nana that you've been practicing your dancing and singing as a surprise for me. Your Nana and I have been the closest of friends since our childhood. Initially, you seemed hesitant around me, so I decided to ask about your well-being from your Nana. As our bond deepened, I yearned to visit you at the orphanage, but...

When I found out that my health was getting worse. I couldn't come to see you very often because I had to undergo numerous tests just to stay alive. I asked your Nana not to let you visit me every time I went to the hospital so you wouldn't feel sad or wounded when you saw me. But I knew when we met again that you knew I was dying because I could see it in your eyes. Is that why you wanted to put on a show for me?

You are a really smart girl. I'm not sure how you knew, but thank you for making my last days on Earth wonderful. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise to take you to an Akemi concert. I'm very thrilled I have a pal who shares my passion for idols. Be grateful for the gifts you have received. And I am confident that one day, with those gifts, you will be a great idol who will make everyone happy.

Lila... Thank you, for bringing happiness in my life. And I promise you, I will always be your number one fan.]

He knew...

He knew my name already. He knew everything... Ughk!

Tears streamed down my face as I read the words on the paper. Despite the intensity of my emotions, I restrained my sobs, not wanting to burden those around me with my grief. My tears were a blend of sorrow and gratitude, a profound mixture of feelings that weighed heavily on my heart.

It was you Mr. Yasu who brought happiness once again in my life, thank you...

Struggling to suppress my sobs and choking back my tears, I whispered in a voice filled with pain, "Thank you, Mr. Yasu..."

__________

A few months after the death of Mr. Yasu...

Descending the stairs, I swiftly grabbed a piece of bread that Nana had set out for breakfast and consumed it in haste. Turning to Nana before making my exit, I offered my gratitude, saying, "Thanks for the bread, Nana! I'm off now."

Just as I was preparing to leave, Nana interjected, advising, "Make sure to return in an hour, alright? We're expecting a new girl to join the orphanage today."

"A new girl?" I questioned, intrigued.

"Yes," Nana affirmed. "I've heard that she's been through quite a lot. I'm hoping that our Smiley Lila will be the perfect person to offer her a warm welcome."

With a wide grin, I responded, "Of course! I'll be back sooner than you can imagine!"

As I departed to walk out to the streets where Mr. Yasu would sell newspapers and magazines, Nana cheerfully smiled back at me.

As I walked, I thought to myself, "A new girl huh? I kept praying that there would be no girls who ended up like me..."

I was merrily skipping along the road when I noticed a girl my age standing directly in front of me, with those sadness looks on her face.

I came to stop right in front of her, but without thinking, I blurted out, "Pretty eyes..."

Her eyes widened in surprise, and she stammered, "H-Huh?"