Me

Feeling heavy today, couldn't measure things properly, had no exact mind on works, feeling like losing myself day by day. Getting worse than before, have no dreams left. I can not focus on things rightly, can't even give a reason, just I can breath, didn't hold a single thing. Looks at the trees, green leafs, thought the juniper colour has turned to lindworm instantly. For me? I can't overthink more... the sky was getting darker, it was sunshine in the morning. At 12 p.m., it's got tenebrous. And that dismal feeling I often face! The thunderstorms came after. I couldn't hold me more. Things that left for me were just MYSELF. I told them I couldn't face those situations in the meantime for the coming days. I'm noting the worser, binding the pains. It's like a home for me, no one can even replace! Laughs a bit, go down in normal thoughts as usual, what belongs to me, yeah, it keeps me fit each times. Got some of the tears falling from high, and I don't know why I'm that much emotional. Get no sense when I pick me up. Has prepared for present. But what is coming?! Did I ask for those? I don't know why I face my days, same unchanged. People spend life through ups and downs, what about me? Lord was watching me, I couldn't feel it. All the boundaries teached me secrecy, and I couldn't amuse it. If the world is just a creation, I'm only a piece of shit, an unused shit.

I was reading a book, and I placed myself in each page. I found those symmetrical dominoes of every situation, holding my breath in single letters. I didn't count pages, I count emotions. Billion tears have had enough with that untitled story. Still thinking, what should I name it. Deep down in every part, falling inside and filling each gap with unfulfilled drama. Yeah, I call it drama. Cause Lord told me- CUT. Faded up, almost died. He was going to face what he didn't ask for. Never ever did he have his desires in hand. He didn't even give a thanks to the Lord. Sometimes some luck offers, and he still can't forget to be grateful every time. He didn't forget a single grace. His all attempts where just failed when he took his luck as blessed. It was harmony, it wasn't dignity. It was more than garbage, Lord has thrown for him. Yes, he took it as a reward, consoled his mind- it was a token. Hardly placing himself towards everything. Those miseries had nothing but captured him from the corner of his path. Tears him off, still he is alive, awakened. Counted all those steps, going forward, seeing each piece of phenomenon, gathering all the anguish, filming his emptiness, necessity calling him back, haven't answered. He keeps going, walking and falling. Put himself off to his legs again and again walks. Fourth, he stopped. He looks at the tenacious ocean before him. Didn't shock! Looks at the sky, all the tears appear before a single blink. He didn't mumble even a word. Yeah, he didn't ask for that. Never ever did he have any desires, any attemptions. He took it all in his mind. Spread his pain in silence. He has been killed by his own thoughts. But can he ask for a, just a single thing? Why would Lord even throw him here? To face? To regret? To take? He has taken each. He can't echo happiness since birth. Why did he think himself a 'Curse?' Lord can't speak. He can't cause he has either no answers. If it's true that after darker night, Sun will rise surely. They were his sun? Is he living on the planet where sunlight doesn't reach? So why does it look like Earth! But he jumped on that sea to face, to walk. If Lord even damaged him, he would have gone far, far from his each pain. He isn't alone, himself- is his another version.

Jimmy comes to the last page, and there is no page left for him. He almost got those pages wet by his tears. 'Yes, he can't save himself. Yes, he can't swim either. Also yes, he is dying, BUT HE IS SURVIVING. He survived! He is alive.' All his tears fall from the edge of his skin. Looking forward, I did nothing. 'He couldn't get whatever asked. He faced exactly the same situation, exactly the same some years ago, what he already faced. Those unnecessity pain teaches him lessons. It's all okay, BUT IT'S NOT, NOT OKAY! He had that lessons, Lord, had already-' crying loudly, broken apart, sighs, 'Al-ready! Why did you put him in the same situation again and again. DOES HE DESERVE IT? ALL- THE- FUCKING- TIME?! WHY-!' Crying more than before. He had no intention to read that his notes came from teenage. But he didn't write more. Cause he faced exact same situations till adult. What would he even write about?

Still haven't passed that sea.