Chapter 1: A Thought in Question

There's a point in everyone's life when you start to question yourself. For instance; your sexuality, career path, romantic interests, and sometimes even your own gender.

I happen to be in the middle of that point in time, but in my case it's what I believe happens after death. Allow me to fill you in on the details of my current situation.

My full name is Arai Aspen, I was born on August 26th of 2003, I live in Kyoto Japan, and I have been having the same dream about dying for an entire year now.

Let's start at the beginning of the day May 9th, 2018. It was just like any other day, I was changing in the locker room when I overheard a few of my classmates having a discussion.

"I heard a rumor that one of the students in class 1-C is gay, can you believe that?" I heard one of the boys from behind me say.

"Really? Did you get any idea of who it is?"

"No, I didn't hear anything about the individual who they suspected but they said he was acting really strange around one of his classmates and slipped a letter into his locker." He replied, lowering his voice.

'Gay? What's a gay?' I thought, pulling my shirt over my head. 'Is that like when a guy has feelings for another guy? I guess I haven't ever thought of that before, but who cares? It's not like I'm attracted to guys in a romantic way.'

I put on my shoes, grabbed my bag, and walked out of the locker room. Trying to shake the two students' conversation out of my head. I must've been distracted by it because the next thing I knew I had accidentally bumped into someone in the hallway.

"Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! Are you alright?" I asked, worried about the other student who was now on the floor picking up his books.

"Yeah, I'm fine- " the boy paused. "Oh, hey Aspen. I didn't recognize you for a second!"

It took me a second to process the other boys' face, but then I immediately realized who I'd crashed into.

"Matsuda? Haha, I didn't think I'd run into you here. You decided to join this high school?" I asked, relieved to run into an old middle school classmate.

"Yeah, this school kinda spoke to me, y'know? Also, I heard from one of your old classmates you wanted to join this school so I thought it was the perfect choice." He replied.

Something about his voice and remembering me made my head spin. But it wasn't just who I was as a person, it was my name. I never really had the chance to talk to Matsuda any time outside of class, and I had only given him my name once. So for him to remember something as unimportant as my name, he must've at least liked me enough to commit it to memory.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd actually remember me. You were always so focused on work that I hadn't even considered the possibility you paid any attention to my introduction." I said, nervously scratching the back of my neck.

"Of course I would, how could I forget a face like yours?"

Something inside me snapped, like a thread just got cut. My face grew hot, there was a falter in my heartbeat, and I lost the ability to speak properly.

"O-oh, uhhh.... t-t-thanks! Hah... aha.... I-I should g-get to my class now, sayonara!" I stuttered, then quickly got up and rushed off to my class.

'He remembered me!? Who says that, is he trying to give me a heart attack?!' I thought, slowing down as I neared my class. 'Gay, huh? Whatever, it's not like I swing that way.'

~After Class~

"Oi, Aspen!" I turned my head around to see a tall, black haired, pale skinned, blue eyed boy in our uniform running up behind me and waving.

"Matsuda? What's up?" I asked, pink dusting my cheeks as he neared.

"I thought we could walk home together! You live on sakura street, right?" He asked, surprising me.

"Eh?!?! How'd you know that?! Are you stalking me?!" I questioned, getting flustered.

"I got it from one of your classmates, and I wouldn't call it stalking." He replied, flashing me a million dollar grin.

Again, my heart skipped a beat and my face flushed beet red. It was almost like his smile was contagious, for some reason I was now grinning like a complete idiot and tripping over my words.

"Then, w-what would you call it?" I asked, fumbling with the hem of my shirt.

"I've taken an interest in you, and I'd like to know you more." My stomach did a flip and twisted.

"Eh? Me? You... want to know m-more about me? Did you hit your head? Who dared you to talk to me?" I questioned, narrowing my eyes.

'There's no way he's actually serious, it's gotta be a trick.' I thought, feeling my chest tighten.

"Nobody dared me to, and I haven't hit my head. I just want to know you, is that so hard to believe?" The look in his icy blue eyes told me he was telling the truth, and I soon found it hard to breathe.

"It... just doesn't seem likely that you'd pick me... of all people. Is it just me, or is it..... getting really hard.... to breathe?" Before I could react my legs gave out from under me and everything went black.

~An Hour Later~

'It's... so bright.' I thought, covering my eyes to block the blinding light.

"Who... opened the blinds?" I asked, slowly opening my eyes only to squint at the ceiling.

'Wait, this doesn't look like my room...' I thought, opening my eyes fully.

"Hey sleepy-head, you're awake." I heard someone to my left say.

'That voice is so familiar...' I thought, turning my head towards the source of the voice.

"Matsuda? Why are you in my... wait where am I?" I said, frantically looking around the room.

'It's too clean to be my room, the bed i'm in has a rail on it, and there's a curtain behind the seat Matsuda's sitting in. Am I in the nurse's office?' I thought, sitting up.

"You blacked out, so I brought you here. You worried me sick." He said, a pained look plastered on his face.

"B-blacked out? What do you mean I blacked out, I haven't ever-" the door opened and the nurse walked in, interrupting me.

"You fainted an hour ago in the hallway, Matsuda carried you here." He said, scribbling something down on his chart. "You're discharged, I'd suggest he walk you home just for safe measures." The nurse turned around abruptly, walking back to his desk.

"You carried me here?" I asked Matsuda, still processing the information I was given.

"That's correct, I didn't know what else to do and I panicked. So here we are." He replied, rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous manner.

"Oh, thanks." I blushed. "We should get going, it's already 17:25 and it'll get dark soon." I said, removing the covers.

'What's wrong with me? Why does my face feel so hot? Why isn't my heart beating right? do I have cardiovascular cancer?' I asked myself, sliding my legs over the side of the bed after Matsuda had unfolded the rail so I could get up.

"Can you stand alright? Should I carry you again?" He asked, clearly concerned for my health.

"Mhm, I've got it."

I spoke too soon, because the second my butt left the mattress my legs gave out and I stumbled right into Matsuda's chest.

"Oi, don't push yourself too hard. You could've gotten hurt!" He said, holding my shoulders. I could feel my ears sting with embarrassment.

"N-no I'm okay!!! R-really, it's f-fine!" I stuttered, backing away from him and letting out a nervous laugh.

'I heard a rumor that one of the students in class 1-C is gay'

I frantically pushed the idea out of my head, desperate to escape any thoughts about my sexuality to prevent further complications.

'There's absolutely no way that I'm attracted to Matsuda! No way!' I told myself, shaking my head. But it would've been more convincing if those thoughts had more meaning behind them.

"Something wrong?" Matsuda asked, making me snap back to reality.

"N-no, It's nothing." I replied. "Uhm, y-you can let go now Matsuda."

"Oh, right. Sorry." Matsuda quickly let go of my shoulders and walked with me to the door, opening it for me.

"Thanks." I said, trying to be polite.

"My pleasure." He said, and walked me back home through the evening light.

~That Night~

I flopped down on my bed, my face still burning from earlier.

'It shouldn't be legal for someone to be that smoking ho- wait, no no no no no! Not hot! No! I'm not at all attracted to Matsuda! I'm straight as a ruler, there's no way I'm gay! It's impossible! I like girls, girls! Not guys! No way in hell!' I thought, frantically erasing the thought from my head. I had better things to worry about than my feelings towards Matsuda.

'I'm tired, I need to sleep.' I thought, slowly drifting into unconsciousness and forgetting entirely about dinner.

I opened my eyes seconds later to see the locker room.

'Huh? Why am I in the locker room?' I thought, looking around. My gaze landed on a pale skinned, long black haired, blue eyed boy by an open locker.

'Wait, why's Matsuda here? He's in the other class though.' I thought, unable to take my eyes off him. That was a huge mistake. Seconds later he took off his shirt. Right in front of me.

'Shit! I shouldn't have looked! Bad move, bad bad bad! Look away! But... he does have a really nice V-line. Ah, wait, nO dOn'T tHiNk AbOuT tHaT!!!' I thought, breaking free of my inner dialogue and tearing my gaze from his figure. Just to distract myself, I looked around behind me.

In the blink of an eye, the scenery changed. One second I was in the gym locker room and now I was walking down the sidewalk back to my house.

'Eh? How'd I get here, I was just in the school locker room?' I thought looking around. From behind me someone called my name, turning around I noticed Matsuda's tall figure running up behind me.

"Matsuda? What are you doing here?" I asked, watching him come up next to me.

"You left without me, so I tried to catch up!" He said, suddenly grabbing my hand.

"E-eh?! W-why are you h-h-holding my hand?!" I stuttered, feeling my face heat up again.

"Oh, sorry. Did that make you uncomfortable?" He asked, flashing me a nervous grin.

I backed up a bit, getting flustered by the warmth of his hand. I got so distracted by him that I backed up off the curb and fell into the road, taking Matsuda down with me.

Everything happened so quickly that it blurred together. One second Matsuda had fallen into the road next to me and got back up, pulling me up again and saying something. Then the next, he had wrapped his arms around me like he was protecting me from something.

Confused by the commotion, I looked over Matsuda's shoulder only to notice a car speeding straight for us.

Before I had time to react, I fell through the ground and into dark water. Feeling Matsuda's hand slip out of my grasp and his warmth fade away with it.

"GAH!" I yelled, bolting upright in my bed. Gasping for air, I looked around my room.

'It was just a dream, nothing more.' I thought, relieved to have escaped that horrible nightmare.

'It felt... so real. How could a dream escalate so quickly?' I thought, clenching my t-shirt with my right hand. I focused on slowing my breathing before getting out of bed and walking downstairs into the kitchen for breakfast.

"Calm down, Aspen. It was just a dream."