88. 89: Thursday

89

Castle is sitting at the kitchen island, reading the paper and sipping the last of his coffee, when his daughter comes in.

"Hey, Alexis," he greets distractedly, his eyes flicking up for the briefest second.

"Hi, Dad," she answers, her voice a little breathless. The way it gets when she's embarrassed and trying to hide it.

Maybe that's what alerts him; or maybe his brain has finally processed what he's just seen. Rick's head jerks up, and he twists on the stool, pins his retreating kid to the middle of the living-room with his unhappy-dad glare.

"Alexis. Did you just come in through the front door?"

She winces. At least his daughter isn't any good at being deceptive. "Uh, yes?"

He lifts his eyebrows, and immediately the rest comes spilling out of her.

"I was only at the morgue with Dr. Parish, Dad. She called me at 2am because she was working on this really interesting case, and asked if I wanted to come, and I wasn't going to say no, you know? But she - she sent me home just now, said I had to get some sleep."

Alexis sounds pretty frustrated, but that's not what he's worried about right now.

"And where is my note?" he says, gesturing to the counter, empty but for his coffee cup and the paper. "Where is the note telling me where you were?"

She presses her lips together, blushes prettily. He suddenly sees the woman, the beautiful young woman she's going to be - already is - and his heart twists in his chest. So soon-

"I'm sorry, Dad, I forgot. I just - I was in a hurry, and I only remembered once I was in the car. But I ordered a chauffeur and everything, see? I wasn't in any danger. And besides, when I'm in college it's not like you'll always know where I am-"

"Alexis. Unless I missed something, you're not in college yet." He's not letting go of his. Hell no. "And I just spent the whole morning thinking you were upstairs, asleep, safe. Do you know how I would have felt if something had happened while you were out, and I didn't even know it?"

"But nothing happened!" she objects, coming closer now, clutching his hand between hers. "Nothing happened, Dad. I'm fine."

"As long as you live under my roof, you follow my rules. Even if it's only for another month. So next time, leave a note. Or send me a text, I don't care-"

"I would have," she quickly explains, apology in her clear blue eyes. "But my phone died on me. And I was going to borrow Lanie's, but then I just...forgot. I'm sorry."

"Hey," he says gently, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, brushing a kiss to her flaming hair. "It's okay this once. Just - don't do it again."

"I won't," she promises softly, but it's not just regret clouding her face. It's a bone-deep weariness that he's not sure has anything to do with their conversation.

He tilts his head at her. "You okay, pumpkin?"

"Yeah," she sighs. "Yeah, I just..." She shakes her head, pushes her hair back in a way that reminds him of Kate. "Don't you get tired, sometimes? Of all the death, all the...murders. I mean, I love working with Dr. Parish - she's terrific, and I've learned a lot, and I don't want to stop, but-"

When her voice trembles, breaks, Castle slides off the stool so he can wrap his little girl into a bear hug, put the strength of his arms between her and the ugliness of the world. This is exactly why he didn't want her working at the morgue.

"The woman today," Alexis starts again, sounding stronger with her cheek to his chest. "She was young, not even thirty. Stabbed. The detectives said it looked like a mugging. But when Lanie opened her up - oh, Dad. She was pregnant. Only two months along, so it didn't show, and I just..."

Rick closes his eyes, rocks his daughter against him. What is there to say?

But after a moment Alexis puts her hands to his chest, pushes away so she can see his face. "Don't you get tired of it? I mean they're all dead, and there's nothing you can do...it's already too late."

"That's not true," he says, cups her face in his palms. "You can try and figure out what happened to them, pumpkin. Give the gift of truth to their families, a memorial, a final good-bye. Closure. It matters. Knowing why matters. But you're right; sometimes people do get weary, and they don't investigate so well then. So you take a break, go home and sleep," he says pointedly.

She sighs. "Yeah, yeah. Sleep. But the trail goes cold - that's what Lani says. The longer you wait, the colder it gets. So I wish I could just stay, do something. Make a difference."

"That's why I never wanted to give up my work with Kate-"

"I bet Kate doesn't get tired, doesn't stop, does she?" Alexis's voice oscillates between awe and disbelief. He smiles.

"Oh, no, she gets tired. I know she does. But even then, Kate always gives everything she has. Her victims matter to her, and she's...she's never satisfied until she gets to the truth. Not just a plausible explanation, not just a story that makes sense, but the hard-evidence truth. I think, somehow, it makes it right again. Or as right as it can be when someone has been murdered."

His daughter watches him for a few seconds, hesitates. "She was a really good cop, wasn't she?"

The past tense hits him harder than he'd like. "She was," he agrees noncommittally.

"Do you think she'll go back?"

Castle sucks in a deep breath, unsure what to say to that. "I don't know, Alexis. It doesn't seem very - likely."

"Why not?"

O-kay. Tread lightly here, Rick. "Maybe this is a conversation you should have with Kate, pumpkin."

His daughter shrugs. "I just wanna know what you think."

Ha. What he thinks. Does he even know himself? "I think... I think that Kate's decision to become a cop was very much tied to her mother's death, and she - doesn't believe she can be a detective and not...pursue that case."

"But she dropped it, right? She made that decision. So why couldn't she keep helping people, making it right, like you said-"

"Alexis, this is for Kate to decide. If she doesn't trust herself with it, if she'd rather be away from the precinct the next time something - a lead, a name - comes up, then we have to respect that."

Incomprehension dances in her blue eyes. "But you want her to go back, don't you?"

Whoa.

He stares at her, open-mouthed, wondering where that came from. Did he give her that impression? God, does Kate think- ?

"I... No," he protests, shaken. "No, Alexis. What I want is for Kate to be happy. To be...whole. And if that means she's never going back to the 12th - that's fine by me," he finishes, relieved to find how much he means it. "It's not my choice to make, Alexis."

"But-"

He hushes her gently, kisses her forehead, pushing a strand of red hair behind her ear. "Lanie's right, sweetheart. You should get some rest. And if this still bothers you when you wake up, then talk to Kate, okay? She's the best person to ask these questions."

"All right," Alexis reluctantly agrees. "Night, Dad." She rises on tiptoe to press a kiss to his cheek, then heads for the stairs; he watches her disappear with a heavy heart.

The talk about Kate going back to the precinct has made him restless.

And he's not even sure why.

Kate uses her key and goes on inside, not sure where Castle is, but he texted her to say she should just come on in.

Alexis is there, slung over the couch, a blanket pulled up around her ears, her laptop on her chest, but her eyes aren't focused on the screen.

"Hey," Kate greets her, concerned by the slothness in Alexis's posture. Defeat. Something. "You okay?"

"Dad's at Black Pawn."

Kate laughs a little and sinks down at Alexis's feet. "I didn't ask where your dad was. Asked how you were."

"Oh," Alexis says, startling a little. "Yeah. I'm okay. Just. I want to go back in to work with Lanie but she's ordered me away until four. Eight hours off she said."

Kate reaches out and snags Alexis's foot. "Your dad told me you went in at two?"

"Yeah."

"Lanie is right. You should sleep while you can."

"I guess you're used to that, right? Sleeping where you can, when you can. I'm not tired though. I got a nap and now I want to go back."

Kate checks her father's watch. "Well. An hour. You can make it."

"How do you do it?" Alexis says, sitting up and shoving her computer to the floor.

"Sleep-?"

"No. How do you not think about work? About the 12th or all the cases you're not able to help with or all you're missing? Right now all I want to do is get back there, and this isn't even a calling or a crusade for me like it is for-"

Alexis suddenly stops, staring at her.

Kate feels it shift in her, like something that had been asleep only a month ago is stretching again, stirring, shaking her off. Wanting control again. And it scares her how enticing it is to just - let it loose.

"Kate," Alexis says quietly. "I'm sorry. That was - I wasn't thinking. Obviously, I didn't get enough sleep. Lanie's right; I should get real rest so I don't-"

"It's okay," Kate says, her voice low. As if she's trying to pitch it below the threshold of the beast's hearing, keep it mollified and unable to wreak havoc if it just doesn't know.

"It is?" Alexis lets out a long breath and draws her knees up to her chest. "It gets stuck in my head. All I think about is trying to figure it out, find that one clue, that missing piece that makes it all fit. It's like this terrible combination of my dad's need for everything to have a good story, the right ending, and my own meticulous perfectionist. . .whatever. I don't know."

"That's why you need time off," Kate says. And yes, she realizes that's the pot and kettle, but it's still the truth. Still the right advice.

"I guess you've banked up a lot of time off," Alexis says with a little laugh. "The way you went at it. And my Dad too."

"That's a good way of looking at it," Kate agrees, smiling a little at the young woman. "After all this time working, yeah. But it's more than just taking time off, Alexis. I'm - done."

"I can't imagine - I mean, obviously, I believe you, but I mean. I just work in the morgue; I don't do anything really. But I'm still so sucked into it. These people's lives, their stories, the strange way they died or the terrible way they died. . .and this is the last place, their last shot at their lives having meaning, one last moment. . ."

Kate keeps her mouth shut, lets Alexis talk. Because it's not about her, is it? She knows the feeling, but it's no longer about her.

"Don't you want to go back?" Alexis says suddenly. "Detective Ryan told Lanie that your captain still has your name on the board. You're still employed by the NYPD-"

"No."

"No, I mean, I know you said you quit, but she didn't accept it, I guess. Or something. Detective Ryan said that your time's up in like two weeks. You could go back then. You've had a good long rest, you know? And now you're-"

"No," Kate says again, shaking her head and moving to rise off the couch. Alexis reaches forward and snags her hand.

"I'm sorry. I'm being - it's not my business."

"Actually," Kate says, carefully weighing her words as she looks down at Castle's daughter. "Actually, it is your business. Isn't it? So. Okay. Let me try to explain."

It's Alexis's family too, right? First. It was Alexis's family first, and Kate has done this to her too. So she deserves the best explanation that Kate can make, to prove herself. Prove she's not the same woman that Alexis couldn't trust.

"Kate, you don't have to-"

"Yes, I do." She lowers herself back down on the couch, glances over at Alexis who is sitting cross-legged, her elbows on her knees, her eyes intent. Yes, she does owe Alexis an explanation. So she needs to do this right.

"Why won't you go back?" the young woman says suddenly. "They broke into your apartment, Kate. They're out there still. . .still doing bad stuff and wrecking people's lives and-"

"Because they wrecked mine," Kate interrupts, starting there. "They wrecked mine one night, and I won't let them wreck it again, take anyone else from me."

Alexis opens her mouth, closes it, her frown etched deep. Kate waits and the girl finally comes up with it. "But they could still wreck it. They're still out there."

"But if I stay away, then it won't go any further. They broke in and took all the information I had on my mother's case. Cleaning up, I guess, or warning me off. Fine. They want some old pictures and notes? They can have it all. Just leave me this."

"This."

Kate swallows hard. "My life. With your dad."

Alexis's jaw drops, bright color flushing her cheeks; she averts her eyes, stares off into the distance. But Kate won't - won't deny it. It's the choice she made; she will make it again and again, every day, no matter what the ghost of her old obsession whispers to her at night in the darkness.

She wakes up; she chooses this.

"You-" Alexis's voice is hesitant and Kate turns her head to look at the girl. Her fingers are picking at the blanket. "You know Dad wouldn't ask you to do that. Trade your job for him. He'd follow you. Anywhere. And I know. . .Kate if it's me you're worried about. . .I know you'd keep him safe. I know that you'd do whatever it took to save his life. I believe that."

Kate's throat works to swallow past that. "I made him promise - promise never to jump in front of a bullet for me again."

"You what?" Alexis gives a startled breath out.

"It's not just you, Alexis. Not just you I'm worried about. I'm worried about me. I don't - I'm not sure I could come back from that. If he died because of me."

Alexis is staring at her, mouth open as if she has things to say that just won't come out.

Kate nods slowly, turns her head away from the young woman, tries to smile. "But that's not something either of us has to think about. Castle - your dad won't ever be in that position. You're right - he'd follow me there, if I went. But I'm not going, Alexis. I'm not going, because he deserves more than that. Because I deserve more than that."

She moves to stand; she needs a moment to get hold of the maelstrom that's risen up in her, needs just a few minutes to get herself together again, but Alexis grabs her hand, snags it with a fierce grip.

Kate looks back.

"He made his choice," Alexis says quickly, her hand tightening like she's afraid Kate will yank it away. "A while ago. He made you his choice. Even when it's dangerous, you're still his choice. You know?"

But did he?

Or did he walk out on her and ask her to choose instead?

When Castle jostles his key out of the lock and finally looks up, he sees Kate in his kitchen. Making dinner.

"Hey," she glances at him, goes back to it.

He shuts the door. "Hey," he says back, finally getting his feet to work, push him towards her. "What - what are you doing?"

"I had some time," she shrugs, draining water out of a pot. One hand holds the lid to the pot, the other tilts it over the sink, steam billowing out and masking her expression.

"What are you making?"

"Just spaghetti," she says, giving him the flash of a smile, lifting her eyes to him. "Oh. And Alexis went in to the morgue again?"

"Yeah, I knew she was going back."

"Oh good," she sighs, then puts the pot on a trivet and runs water in the sink. He watches her snap off the burner under the sauce, then stir with a spoon, and he realizes he's half mesmerized by her being in his kitchen.

"Oh," he says, suddenly remembering. "Alexis might ask you about work-"

"Already did."

"Oops. Meant to give you a heads up."

She shrugs, her back to him as she pulls down plates from his cabinet. "Don't worry about it."

He realizes he still has his laptop slung over his shoulder, his keys in hand, shoes on. Castle drops his stuff on the couch, feeling the day on his skin, in his clothes, but he toes off his shoes and heads into the kitchen. "So what. . .did you guys talk about?"

Kate turns around and hands him a plate, starts dishing noodles out of the pot. "I don't know. Just. The job."

"You know I have a strainer."

"Colander? I couldn't find it," she laughs, lifting her eyes to him again and it's okay. It's good. She's fine. Quiet, but that's usual. She doesn't fill the silences with words; that's his job.

So he'll do his job. "Do I need to give you a kitchen tutorial?"

"No," she smirks. "I'll leave the kitchen duties to you."

"Oh, really. Thanks. What happened to partners?" he grumbles, nudging her aside to get at the spaghetti noodles.

"What happened to waiting your turn?" she says, backing into him and edging him out.

Castle laughs at her, draws his arm around her shoulders to press his mouth to her jaw. Instead of a kiss, he blows a raspberry at her neck, making her startle, her spaghetti sloshing on the plate. He laughs against her, breathless, and she reaches back to pinch his ear.

"Ow."

"How old are you?" she complains, but there's unwilling laughter in her voice.

"So. The job. What did you guys say? You talked about me, didn't you? I can tell. It always comes back to me."

She escapes his grip and rolls her eyes at him, but she's got that tell, that slight hesitation of her gaze meeting his, and he laughs.

"You did talk about me. I knew it."

"Only obliquely."

"Right."

"Well, what else are we going to talk about?" she huffs, shoving on his shoulder to move past him. He watches her grab a piece of toasted french bread from the pan on the stovetop, takes one himself.

"True. I'm pretty much the only game in town." He takes a big bite of bread. Wow. Good. She put parmesan and garlic salt on it. Something.

She huffs a laugh, giving him a look as she heads for the table. "Having sex with you is so bad for your ego. I don't know why I-"

"Hey now. No need for threats, Beckett."

She smirks, a lift of an eyebrow, and sits down at her spot, drawing up one knee as she starts in on her spaghetti. He quickly finishes making his own and comes to sit with her. She reaches out and brushes her fingers over his wrist as he settles in, rubs her thumb at the bone there. He notices she's already put glasses of water at their places, takes a sip to swallow down the bread.

"I meant - me needing a new career is kinda directly related to you, Castle."

He goes still, staring at her. "It is? No, it isn't."

She shrugs, but she's gazing down at his wrist, at her fingers circling him. "You said it. If I love you, I drop it."

His mouth opens, but only horror is there, choking him.

"I dropped it. Well, it took me a while. I had to go at it alone just to see - had to come up against Maddox and have it violently shoved in my face just how - how alone I was in this, how everyone dies, everyone, but I did get it-"

"Kate," he interrupts, voice strong but strangled. "Kate, not - that's not - I didn't ask you to quit."

She lifts her eyes to him, brow furrowed. "What else is there?"

He sits back and it pulls his wrist from her touch, but he's just - stunned. "Your job isn't your mother's case. Your mother's case doesn't encompass your whole job. You didn't have to quit."

Now it's her turn to just stare at him, wordless.

"Kate," he breathes out, sitting forward and grabbing her by the hand. "Please don't do that to us, don't put that on me. Don't mistake me asking you to not commit certain suicide by being foolish about going after a sniper, as being the same as asking you to not be a cop. It's not the same thing. Not at all."

"What else is there?" she asks again, and he doesn't know what it is he sees in her eyes, but it doesn't look good.

"Kate. Kate, jeez, there's - we could have done it so differently. You could have passed the case on to Ryan and Espo, told Gates, pushed it off on an entirely different team. We could have just dropped it, ignored it, sent it to a different precinct. We could have kept it out of the 12th altogether and done it on our own-"

"No."

"It would have been-"

"No," she says again, shaking her head, and reaching out for his wrist again, encircling, her fingers cold but strong. "No, Castle. Doing it on our own is out of the question. We'd both have been in the crosshairs. I can't believe you didn't paint a target on your back just being in touch with-" She stops and shakes her head, squeezing his wrist. Hard.

It's possible she's still not over that - his role in keeping it from her.

But he wants her to know. Needs her to know. "Kate, anything you wanted to do - I'd have done it with you. Anything but watch you throw your life away, start a war without even a backward glance. I couldn't do that. But-"

"I know," she says, her voice low, her eyes on his. "I know, Castle. I got it. I don't want a war-"

"But. But I was not asking you to quit your job, Kate. I'm not asking that of you now. I don't want that between us. You hear me? If you want to be a detective, damn it, you better be a detective."

She watches him and he hopes there's not a shred of anything on his face but certainty. And how much he loves her.

"Kate. I'd follow you anywhere. Any job, any city, any life. So long as it was life you were choosing."

"That's exactly it, Castle. You keep following me. I can't lead you back into that."

He sighs but she's lifting up from her chair and using her foot to nudge his backward, sliding into his lap before he can think or move, her body flush to his, hot and eager to convince him.

She kisses like she imagines a day where she won't be allowed to do it again, her hips rocking into him, and he kisses her back and tries to let his touch explain it all.

She'll always have him.

"Always, always," he finds himself murmuring into her mouth.

She pauses and brushes her fingers through his hair. "It's just you, Castle. Just you. I only want you."

"Yeah, but what do you need?"

She tilts back, and even though her eyes are sad, she shakes her head, draws her fingers down to his cheek, cradling him.

"I don't know. But this is part of it, the best part. The only part I'm certain about. Us."