28. No Spoilers (Genderbent)

One morning, the brothers and both of their parents were gathered in the eldest brothers' room for a special family meeting. Their sister and daughter were left out on purpose and two of the brothers were missing.

Speaking of one of the absent brothers, Lane enters the room. "Ok, are we all here?"

"Yep." Loki answers. "Is Loni occupied?"

"Definitely. I gave him an impossible task."

Meanwhile, in the level below them, Loni chides a lazy Chris. "For the last time! Sit! Shake! Rollover! Oh, do something than just lay on your belly!"

The cat absentmindedly turns and lies on her back.

"Ok. Progress."

Back upstairs, Loki bangs on his shoe like a gavel. "I call this meeting to order!"

"We tried throwing surprise parties in this house before, readers," Lars explains. "But they all failed and we all know why."

"Quit beating around the bush, Lars. Tell them the truth." Lynn Jr. says.

Lynn peeked out the window and saw their oldest brother approaching. "Everyone hide!" The other siblings did just that in the living room. Except for Loni, he was crouched by the door in a party hat.

"Loni, what are you doing?" Loki asked.

"Shh, I'm hiding for your surprise party."

Everyone else groaned at the spoiler.

Levi was with his siblings in the kitchen holding a party invitation. He looked rather irritated.

"Siblings, I am perplexed as to why I have just received an invitation to my own surprise birthday party."

"Oh, I sent that. I wanted to make sure you would come." Loni confessed.

Everyone else did a facepalm at their clueless brother.

"Luke, should I wear the pink or blue tie for your surprise party?" Loni asked, holding up the two ties.

"Really?!" Luke asked, annoyed.

Lane jumped in. "I pink you just blue the surprise! Haha, get it? But seriously, what the hell?"

"This year we want to throw a surprise party for Linka. And as much as we love him, we have to keep him out of the plan." Lars finishes.

"We realize this would make more sense if this was done on the "anniversary", but, c'est la vie." Lane adds.

By Loki, there's stand with a bunch of cue cards with illustrations of everyone's specific jobs. "Ok guys, a quick rundown. I'll do the cleaning. Lexx and Lynn are on food. Leif will do decorations. Luke and Lane will handle the entertainment. And Mom and Dad will get Linka out of the house."

"You didn't say my name," Lars said.

"You have the most important job of all," Loki showed a caricature of Loni with a caption that said, "make Lars do it".

"Keep Loni ignorant of the whole operation. If he's coming out way, yell the code word. Let's make it, "Judas".

"Sigh, it sounds like I'm getting the short end of the stick. And why Judas?"

"You know, he's the guy who sold Jesus out. And we don't want Loni to sell us out? Oh, never mind! Just remember it!"

"Boys, is it really wise to leave Loni out?" Their mother asks. "He may be a loose lip, but his creativity is unmatched."

"Oh, and we're not?" Lexx questions. "This is all for Linka, Mommy. Sometimes, you gotta sacrifice one child for the other."

"You know honey, he's right." Lynn Sr. says. "That's why we used Lexx's money to buy Leif's animal food."

"What?!" Everyone laughs at his screeching.

"Just kidding, son."

Just then, Loni comes in causing everyone to scream. And Loki to kick his presentation down. Loni screams too.

"Is this how we're saying hello now? I like it. Don't mind me, I figured some treats would motivate Chris into doing tricks. Leif?" Leif takes a bag of doggy treats from his pocket and throws it at him. Loni catches it with ease.

"Thanks. Oh! While I have you guys, it's Linka's birthday today! I figured we throw her one of our famous surprise parties! I have some ideas I've been meaning to tell you."

"Uh, you know how humble Linka is. She probably doesn't even want a party." Loki lies. "I say keep it low-key." Everyone else agrees with him.

"Kinda selfish don't you think? Making today about you."

"What? No. I said keep it low-key."

"I know your name."

"No! I meant low-key as in keeping it under the radar-!" Loki groans in exasperation and looks towards the young Goth. With a face that says "I'm about to kill him if you don't intervene".

Lars does just that. "Loni! I have some urgent fashion questions to ask you." While Lars was talking to Loni, everyone sneaks out the door.

"Little brother, all fashion questions are urgent."

Downstairs, the parents do their part of the plan.

"Ok, boys!" Lynn Sr. says all subtlety has been thrown out the door. "I'm taking your mother and sister shopping because shopping is cool!" Linka looks at them confused but they just shrug. Lynn Sr. winks to them before closing.

"Someone remind me to give Dad private acting lessons." Lexx comments.

Upstairs, Loni lays out a plaid fabric in front of Lars.

"And this is plaid."

"Uh-huh. And what's this smooth red fabric?" He holds it up to him.

"That's silk. And it was a bitch to get that, too. In fact, it was part of my idea for Linka's party. I should tell the other about it." Loni takes the fabric from Lars and heads towards the door. Lars panics and stands in front of the door.

"Wait! I have another question. What was up with the skirt over jeans trend?"

"I'm glad you ask, bro. Let me tell what a hot mess it was." Loni grabs him and sits him down on his bed.

"I need to hydrate before we start." With that, Loni leaves the room.

"JUDE! No. JUDY!" Lars panics. "What was that name?"

Leif, who was in the living room, jumps and rips the streamers off the ceiling. He lets the brown ballon he had just blown up whiz around, letting out air. The deflated balloon falls next to a blushing Loni.

"Sorry, Leif. Must have been that breakfast burrito." He says before entering the kitchen. Where the caterers were preparing their meals. An extra spicy sub and a surgery cake, respectively.

"Hey, guys." Loni greets. Lynn and Lexx scream and dispose of the evidence quickly. Lynn stuffs his sub into his mouth and Lexx sits on the cake.

"Oh yeah, I forgot our new greeting! Ahh!" He goes into the fridge and grabs a bottle of water. Lynn swallows his sub and pants; he's gonna feel that one later.

"Wait, Lexx! Your cake chair reminded me of something! I had this cake sculpture idea for Linka's birthday. It looks like-"

"You heard what Loki said, we're keeping it low- under the radar," Lynn says catching himself.

Lars rushes into the scene. "JUDAS!" The prince and the athlete roll their eyes at him.

"No, I'm Loni."

Sometime later, Loni's room was completely covered in different designed fabrics.

"And that's that!" Loni says joyfully.

"Gee, are you sure?" Lars says sarcastically.

"I never finished my training lesson with Chris." Loni gets up to leave but Lars stops him.

"Wait! You know how you're always looking for a tux model? Well, I'm up for it." The Goth says through a forced smile.

Loni gladly takes him up on that offer. Later, Lars is in a colorful outfit of his brother's design. He could hear his pride shatter into millions of pieces.

"I'll get my brothers this later," Lars says grimly.

"What was that?"

"I mean, I think we need to redesign the blazer." He says with a nervous grin.

Across the hall, Luke and Lane emerged from their shared room carrying their respective instruments and gag props.

Loki comes from the bathroom in a cleaning outfit. "Keep it down, you guys. Loni will hear you."

The entertainment nods and tiptoes their way towards the stairs. Unfortunately, one of Lane's props falls from his grasp and Luke didn't notice it before it was too late. He tripped over said prop, causing him to drop his drum kit.

Loni, concerned about the commotion, asks about it.

"Probably just the neighbors." Lars answers but Loni decides to investigate anyway. Lars is right on his tail. "Judas! Judas!"

Luke and Lane hide their equipment and stand as casually as possible as Loni walks by. Lars runs up to them.

"Luke, you gotta-!" Lars slips on one of his cymbals and screams (in a monotone voice) all the way down the stairs.

"Judas." He says groggily. On cue, Leif pops his balloons and hides the streamers. He and Levi help their big brother up.

"Lars, you need to get your proverbial act together." Levi tells him.

"Yeah, we'll never finish if we have to keep starting over." Leif adds.

"Well, excuse me. But Linka usually causes distractions." That's when he realize, he needs to think like Linka in this situation.

Loki and Loni join the scene. "Lars, are you ok? You should never jump down a flight of stairs without a pair of parachute pants." He notices the discarded balloons on Leif's hat and brushes it off of him.

"Leif, those popped balloons on your head reminded me of the decorations I should have bought for Linka's birthday."

"To repeat: we're keeping it under the radar." Levi says.

The lightbulb goes off in Lars's head. "No Levi, let the man go. In fact, we need a card for Linka too. Uhh, a unicorn! A Japanese one, in Tokyo! That says "happy birthday from your 10 brothers" Oh, and it has to be a musical card!"

"Awesome! But where would I find such a card?"

"The Hazeltucky Party Outlet!"

"Damn. That's like three bus rides away. But anything for Snow White is worth the trip. Later!" He leaves with that.

"Good thinking, spooky!" Leif holds Lars in a playful headlock.

"It's what Link would have done."

"Ok, boys. We've lost some time but we can still make this happen!" Loki encourages them. "Back to work!"

With Loni out of the house, the party planning should be going smoothly, right. Not exactly. Things slowly went into a downward spiral.

It first begins with Leif running out of decorations. "Now what? I know! My emergency stash of ABC gum!"

Leif goes over to the banister where he has collected his colorful pieces of chewed gum. He picks out a piece, chews it, and blows out a gross balloon. He notices he was missing streamers as well. So he uses his emergency stash of toilet paper as a substitute.

In the kitchen, the caterers taste-test their creations. Lynn chews on a slice of the sandwich then becomes a dragon for a moment. That is, sparks of flames shoot out from the mouth of his scarlet red face. He runs over to the sink and sprays water into his mouth using the dishwasher hose.

"Still not hot enough." He decides after he recovers. He proceeds to dump a jar of jalapeños on the sandwich.

Lexx scoops some frosting from his cake and tastes it. He gets a sugar rush so bad, his eyes change into multiple colors. He jumps off his chair and runs like hell all while wailing like a banshee.

After his lap around the house, he says, "still not sweet enough." He then dumps an entire bag of sugar onto the cake.

Later, the brothers finish with their plans and gather in the "decorated" living room. They're waiting for the guests to arrive. They assumed Linka's school friends would make an appearance.

The doorbell rings and Levi goes over and answers it. "The guests have arrived." He opens the door to not eleven-year-old girls, but a middle-aged, repulsive, cranky woman. Who's munching on a bag of chips like it's nobody's business. This is Flip, owner and founder of their local gas station/mini-mart Flip's Food & Fuel. Her only redeeming quality was that she sells Flippees, the Louds' favorite frozen beverage.

"How do you do! Flip has a policy of never showing up empty-handed, so here!" She hands Levi a rotting milk carton.

"Expired milk? Your kindness is too much." He says sarcastically.

"You're welcome." She says, catching the sarcasm but not caring. Then she lets out a burp that would put all the Loud brothers' burps to shame. "Where's the grub?" She asks, making her way into the living room.

Next enters Ms. Grouse. "Someone turn on the boob tube." She sits down on the couch and turns it on herself. Without anyone telling her to do so. "Oo, color. Fancy."

Loki pulls Levi aside. "Ok. First of all, two people? All you can find is two people? Second, why these two? Where's Claudia? And those ginger chicks?"

"I couldn't get in touch with them. So I looked into my algorithm, and the other people Linka encounters the most are our cantankerous neighbor and the owner of our local convenience store."

"Wow, by that logic you should have invited her goddamn teacher." He comments in an annoyed tone. "Just because she encounters them, doesn't mean she likes them."

"Well, tell Leif just because she uses toilet paper doesn't mean it's a suitable party decoration!"

Leif intervenes. "Hey! In my defense, I ran out of my brown balloons."

"And that's a good excuse?" Lynn scolds. "This whole place literally reminds me of shit."

Lane joins in after sliding down the banister. "Hey guys, I have some great jokes for the party. Listen. Boy, my sister's so pale that playing hide and seek with her in the winter is easy. All she has to do lie in the snow and she'd disappear! She'd be walking down the street and people be like "Marie Antoinette's alive!" "

"You wanna roast the girl on her own birthday?" Loki scolds.

"Don't worry, bro," Luke says from his place in the corner. With his Logan V80 plugged into the mini amp. "My jams will rock this joint like a hurricane!"

He plays a riff on his guitar and wails on the top of his lungs. Lexx, previously helping himself to his diabetes-causing cake, puts an end to it by unplugging the guitar.

"Linka's gonna hate that! It'll make her ears bleed!"

"Right after she drops dead from eating your cake!"

Meanwhile, Flip tries a piece of Lynn's sandwich. She immediately tears up and screams at the burning sensation. Desperate to wash out the taste, she drinks the expired milk she brought. Before spitting it out.

"Lynn, what the hell?" Lars tells his roommate. "You're gonna burn off Linka's taste buds!"

"Don't criticize my job when you can barely do yours!"

This leads to a huge argument with all of the brothers. Until Loki whistles at them to stop before it gets physical. "Enough! We're missing the elephant in the room. This party literally sucks."

"You're right," Leif says sadly.

"There's not much to be desired." Levi states.

"It's like we don't know our own sister." Lane says and the others agree.

"I don't get it. Our first completed surprise party and it's a total disaster." Lynn says. "Where did we go wrong?"

"Are we missing something?" Luke wonders.

"Yeah, a decent sports package!" Grouse chides.

The wheels start turning in Lars' head. "Gasp! It's Loni! He may ruin the surprises but he's the only one of us who knows how to make a memorable party."

"He's right. Leave it to the nicest of us to actually think about people's wants." Lexx says.

"And he was hinting that he had ideas for the parties." Lars adds.

"We need him back here right now!" Loki pulls out his phone and dials Loni's number.

At the party outlet, Loni is browsing through different party cards. He opens one at the same time his phone rings.

"A musical card!" He opens it again at another ringtone.

"Doesn't really scream happy birthday." He puts it back. "But it be perfect for my ringtone."

He looks across the way and sees a display of decorations. He's specifically looking at castle-shaped banners that you pin to the walls.

"Now, that I need." His phone rings again and this time he answers.

"Hi, Loni!"

"Claudia! How are your moms with the food?"

"Great! But about the dress you sent…"

"Trust me, it will make sense."

"He's not answering!" Loki says.

"Well, get the molasses out of your ass and get in the car!" Lynn says. And they all race outside. Levi turns to the lousy guests.

"Sorry, ladies. The soirée has concluded."

Grouse shrugs and leaves. Flip on the other hand sacks up the whole buffet table, including the sandwich that burned her mouth. She also had a policy of never leaving a party empty-handed.

Hours later into the evening, the remaining downhearted Loud brothers drive down their street after their fruitless journey.

"We're officially the worse brothers ever! We screwed up everything for two siblings!" Lexx whines.

"We couldn't find Loni and we have nothing to give Linka." Leif says.

Loki raises an eyebrow at the anomaly parked in front of their house. "Except maybe a party rentals truck?"

"Huh?" Everyone else says confused. They look out the windows and lo and behold, Loki wasn't lying. Loki parks in the driveway and everyone's ears perk up at the indistinct chatter from the own backyard. They investigate and to say they are blown away from the sight is an understatement.

It was a Disney-themed party. The backyard looked like to the inside of a castle, with the fences were decorated with the castle-theme banners from earlier. At one end of the backyard, there was a castle-shaped bounce house. At the other end, there was a climbing wall that represented Ariel's Grotto with a swimming pool below it. Near the door to their right was a face painting station. Speakers were blasting iconic Disney songs. The tables were decorated pertaining to different characters; specifically the ones from the last chapter.

The best part was the guests. Of course, you can't have a Disney party without it being a costume party.

And at the center of it all, was Loni. Holding a clipboard, overseeing the finishing touches. And dressed as a genderbend Rapunzel. With purple pants, a pink blouse under an opened vest. And to top it all off (literally), a golden wig that pooled at his feet.

"Looking good so far." He goes over to the buffet, or as it's called the Feast of Fools. "Everything set, queens?" He's talking to the McBride parents, Holly is the Evil Queen and Harriet is the Red Queen.

"Yes! I just finished the caramel "poisoned" apples!" The Evil Queen says. "Try the grey stuff on the cake, it's delicious!" Loni scoops the grey frosting from the three-tier cake and tastes it. He hums in satisfaction.

"I'm so glad we agree to cater! I can't wait till Linka arrives!" Harriet says, giddy.

"Claudia! Looking good!" Loni tells her. Claudia was draped in a silky red dress and twirls around with ribbons in her hand. She imitating the titillating dance, but gets flustered.

"I told you I can't dance! And why am I dressed so skimpy?"

"Ask your best friend! Trust me, you're doing great!"

Nearby, the three gingers were by the gift table. Leah was Jessie, Riley was Merida, and Zara was Anna.

"I can't believe you forgot to give Linka a present." The cowgirl rebukes Riley.

"That's Riley, always the procrastinator." Zara comments.

"I'm sorry! But Loni called me last minute! This dress isn't even a real costume! Just something I found in my closet! And about the gift, I'll just do what I did at my cousin's." She grabs a random gift and reads the tag.

"From Gram-Gram." She takes out a pen and writes "and Riley". Her friends shake their heads at her stunt.

Speaking of Gram-Gram, she's on a ladder hanging up a banner and instead of the usual Happy Birthday it reads, Dreams Do Come True.

"A little higher, Gram-Gram!" Loni tells her.

"Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo, sweetheart!" His maternal grandmother answers and hangs it straight then comes down the ladder.

The remaining Loud brothers snap out of their state of shock and finally confront their dressed up brother. "Dude, what is all this?" Luke asks.

"There you guys are! I was wondering when you'd be back. And this is all I've planned for Linka's party. I've decided that maybe we should go high-key. Doesn't Linka totally deserve it?"

"Of course, but you got catering and a whole bounce house! When did you plan this?" Lane asks.

"Months ago. You see, after Linka told us about the dream she had last chapter, I had the biggest epiphany ever. How come hot dogs come in packages of ten but hot dog buns come in packages of eight?" His brothers look at him incredulously.

"After that I had another epiphany. Her dream would be the perfect party theme. Since that time I've been planning this party in my head and sketching costume ideas for our family. I looked up the best party rental companies that I could afford. And I asked the McBrides to cater for us. Some costumes I designed myself, like Claudia's Esmeralda dress, Gram-Gram's Fairy Godmother costume, and anyone who was a Genderbend of a character," he gestures to himself.

"But then I got lazy and just bought the rest of the costumes. I wanted to let you in on it today but you guys cut me off at every chance."

"You kept a secret from us for that long?" Levi asks.

"You used your own money to buy us costumes?" Lexx asks.

"You let me clean the toilet even through we're having this outside?" Loki fumes.

"Well, there's more to my head than just air, you know. And I got that card you wanted! There was a whole display of crazy anime cards!" He holds up the card of an anime unicorn in Tokyo that says "Happy Birthday from Your 10 Brothers". The details are to a T. "And it's a musical card, too!"

Leif takes it from him opens it up. "It's in Japanese! How is she gonna understand this?"

Lexx takes it from him. "The translation in the card. Blessings for your birthday. Blessings for your every day. Keep on facing forward till the very end of each day." He sings in time of the song.

"And little surprise for you guys, I've invited some of our friends." Loni gestures. The Loud Brothers really examined the crowd. They all split in different directions when they saw familiar faces. Loni didn't hold back; he brought in their friends from the elementary, middle, and high schools to join in the festivities.

"Babe!" Loki and Luke simultaneously shout with joy when they saw their respective sweethearts. They both run into the arms of a Hades and a Princess Belle, respectively.

"Why didn't you call?" Luke asks.

"I wanted to surprise you." Sam says, giving him a peck on the cheek.

"I've got enough of those for one day."

"I wouldn't have missed Linka's party for the world. And when's there gonna be another time where we'll be in couples' costumes?" Bebe affectionately brings her boyfriend's hand to her face.

Robbie Dan was not amused. "Out of all the characters in the Disney cannon, why am I a dime a dozen prince?"

Bebe bends down and fixes up his Prince Phillip costume. "Cause that's how Linka sees you, you're her prince. And there are no Hispanic princes."

"That's not my fault!"

"At least you are a prince!" Lexx calls out. "If I remember correctly, I was a dog!"

"Speaking of which, guys! Your costumes are in your rooms!" Loni intervenes.

The parents and Linka arrive to an empty house. "It's awfully quiet." Linka raises an eyebrow.

"Don't worry about it, sweetheart." Lynn Sr. tells her. "Why don't you go up to room while your mother and I go to ours non-suspiciously." Rita facepalm at his horrible acting. Linka shakes her head and retreats upstairs. The parents rush to their rooms to change into their costumes Loni had laid out for them.

"Hello?! Guys?!" She cries to no one. "I know my brothers could be jerks, but abandoning me on my birthday?" She trudges to her bedroom where she finds Mary in a red petticoat waiting for her.

"Aww, Mary! You look cute!" She scratches her ears. She looks at the black cloak on the bed with a note that reads: Wear me. Then come into the backyard.

"Is this your present to me?" She teases. She unzips it and frowns at the dress.

"Oh, hell no."

Later, she opens the door in the kitchen that leads to the backyard, annoyed.

"Ok, who's idea was it to put me in a maid's dress!" She commands, dressed in a light blue dress and white apron. With a black hairband on her head. Mary in her right arm. "What kind of-"

"SURPRISE!" The fully costumed attendees and the Loud parents screamed. Each brother was the character he was starring in their mini story in Linka's dream. Those who were animals wore a onesie of their character, like Lexx and Levi. Leon had a mermaid's tail over his diaper. Loki's costume was that of a mascot, in the shape of the Beast. Loni's design of Maleficent is a tuxedo with a matching cape that's purple on the inside and a scepter and horns. As for the Fifth Spirit, sky blue pants and white blouse covered with plastic crystals the colors of the elements.

Linka shout with joy and as a reflux, uses both her hands to cover her mouth. Dropping Mary in the process, she survived though.

"Oh my God!"

"Happy Birthday, Snow White!" Loni goes up to her and hug her. "Or should I say, Alice?"

She goes into the crowd and look at her brothers. "Guys, look at you! These costumes are amazing! You're exactly how I'd imagined!"

"Don't forget your best friend!" As Claudia twirls, her dress goes up. She comes up to Linka and wraps her arms and ribbons around her.

"And you got me a dancer!" She teases. "But where's the pole?"

The Gypsy jester, Lane, blows a kiss. "Goodnight, everybody!" Meaning the readers.

"And is that a bounce house?" Linka points to it.

"Yep, and a climbing wall." Loni answers. "But still I wonder if this is enough?"

"Enough?! This is everything I've dreamed and more! You guys are the best brothers ever!"

"Actually, all credit goes to Loni." Lars says. "He made this happened. We tried to do one without him and it was an disaster."

"What do you mean you tried to do one without me?" Loni asks, confused.

"Yeah, truth be told, Loni. You always spoil the surprise of a party." Lynn confesses. "We tried to keep you out of it but we didn't realize that you're the only one thoughtful enough to go the distance for one person. Uh, pun intended."

Loki takes of his Beast head. "In fact, from now on, you're our official party planner!" He christens him.

"Yes!" He pumps his fist in the air excitedly. "Thanks, you guys!"

"Touching, dudes." Luke says. "NOW LET'S RAGE!" He takes the glitter cannon that was strapped to his back and sets off a firework of white glitter into the sky. This was his makeshift "ice".

Loni turns on the stereos with a remote and the rave officially begun. Because nothing says a Disney-themed party than bumping to techno music. They may be happy now, but just imagine the bill for this.

AN: The Disney chapter was definitely my favorite of the one-shots in this series. Leave a comment telling me your favorite.