No Buts, Caleb

An Hour Earlier

Caleb's Point Of View

I sat cross legged on the pink bed in the same pink room where I first talked to Xavier. I picked a pillow up from the bed and dropped it in my lap. Maya Hernandez was Embroidered on it in beautiful light pink cursive. There was really too much pink but it wasn't really that bad, it was bright and beautiful and... like Xavier.

I was an hour early to Matthew's party because he'd asked me to come over and help him set shit up for tonight. I did come over but Sophie was also there helping. every single time I looked at her, she was already looking at me, her eyes asking a single question. I always looked away, I always took a step away when she got too close. and when she wouldn't let me be, I ran upstairs and hid in a child's pink bedroom so I wouldn't have to talk to her.

I knock sounded on the door and I immediately knew it was Sophie. she wasn't going to give up, was she.

"hi" she says as she opens the door and steps inside, she shuts it and leans against it. "hi" she says again and I really didn't want to say anything back, so I I didn't. she sighs and comes to sit beside me. I scoot away from her. "can you stop treating me like I'm a plague, I'm only trying to help"

I couldnt talk, it felt like my words were caught in my through and j couldnt speak. she was trying to help me. she was trying to keep me from ending up in a foster home again

"I know you like Xavier but what do you think people are going to think when you don't pick anyone, they're going to suspect something!!" the last part of the sentence was a snap. I hold on to the pillow and hug it tighter to my chest.

"so?" I ask her. so what if people suspect. I'm not ashamed of Xavier, I never will be.

"so someone might tell CPS that your dad's turned you into a faggot?" she says mildly. "the previous molestation charges that were dropped before could come back up and then people would say, your dads molested you and that's why you're gay?"

"they wouldn't say that" would they?

"wouldn't they? people say stuff, Cal and other people believe the stuff they say" she slides a hand over mine. "all I want to do is stop them from saying all those stuff, all I'm trying to do is make sure you're safe, make sure Luke is safe, make sure your dad's are safe and make sure that Diana is safe... don't you think Diana is too little for foster care?"

my heart jumps to my throat. I couldn't breath, it wouldn't happen. I knew in my head that it wouldn't but what if it did, what if they took my baby sister away from me?

"I'm just trying to make sure you're safe... think about it, Xavier isn't worth ruining your life over" she kisses me lightly on the lips and leaves me to my thoughts.

I sucked in a shaky breath and pull my phone out of my pocket. I dial Xavier's number and place the phone to my ear. it rang but he didn't pick up. I keep trying to reach him but he doesn't answer the phone.

I needed to tell him what I'd decided, I needed to tell him that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't just pick nobody.

I clutched my chest in my hand as I realize I was hyperventilating. I told myself to breath, I told myself he would understand, he loved me, I felt it in every touch and in every kiss. he wouldn't hate me.

I left Maya's room and found my way back outside, people were already here, the room was filled with grinding bodies and whenever I walked past them, they all gave me a look of expectation. I hated this game. I hated how it put me in a spotlight I didn't want to be put under, I hated how it made me feel like I had to be someone I wasn't.

I didn't want to be here, I didn't want to be standing on Hernandez's mother wooden coffee table giving a semi speech about how I like the time I spent with those girls... I did like the time I spent with some of them but not all of them. some of them made me feel like I had to be perfect for them, some of them made me feel like I had to love them and some of them made me feel like a fucking liar, like this wasn't who I am.

the words burned my throat as I spoke truths and lies about the people I'd dated in the past month, my eyes skimming the crowd as they tried to find Xavier. "...the past few weeks have been amazing, I got to meet new people and see life from different perspectives of all the different people I've dated and you were all lovely and I couldn't possibly make a choice..... but since I have to me a choice, it's going to have to be..." they finally do and our eyes met, hes smiling when our eyes meet but soon, his bright smile falter and I know he knows, he saw it.

my eyes wander from his and land of Sophie's and her smile is bright as she watches me. I hated how she could be so happy when I was scared for my life... for my family. but she was helping, Sophie cares and she would never do anything to hurt me. "Sophie Cheng" I say softly and the mutters and cheers erupt.

I look into the crowd but Xavier isn't looking at me, he's leaving. I jump off the coffee table and went after him but just as I was about to get to the door, Sophie pulls me into a hug.

"don't" she musters into my ear. "Don't go after him" I shove her away and she stumbles back, a shocked look on her face. I didn't have time to say anything, I ran for the door and just as I was about to head out to the parking lot, I see Shawn looking at me, leaning against the side of the building, a light smile on his face.

he points left and I see Xavier walk towards his car and I bolt for him.

The Present

he hated me. he'd said it himself, he hated me, he didn't love me, why the fuck was I thinking he did in the first place?!

I watched his care leave and my eyes fill with tears. why was I fucking crying? why did him saying to fuck off hurt so much?.

"Caleb, what's wrong?" I hear Sophie's voice and my throat thickens. "why did you come out here, when I told you not to?" she touches my shoulder and I shrug her off. "cal-"

"can you fuck off please?!!!" I snap so loud that i was so sure I'd scared her but I didn't care

"Cale-"

"I said get the fuck away from me, Sophie!!!" I shouted. why was I so angry?. "God, just leave me alone"

"jesus, I'm leaving, if you didn't want to pick me, then you shouldn't have" she said and I heard her footsteps retreating.

I needed to drink, I needed to to get drunk, I need to do something.

"Sophie, wait" I turn around and she was standing there, I frown on her face. "I don't want to be with you, ever. all you are is a beard, nothing more, nothing less. don't touch or kiss me or anything, if you ever do, that would be the end of our friendship" I walk away from her and pull out my phone, dial Xavier's number, over and over again

"you are a colossal fuck up" Someone says behind me and I turn to find Shawn standing there.

"what?" I was confused.

"what?" he mimicked. "how stupid could you be?!"

"what are you talking about?"

"the little kids room you were in, you and Sophie weren't the only ones there, A friend of mine from the student council was there too, he was in the ensuite" he said. "he told me what you and Sophie where talking about in there, he didn't tell anyone else, I made him swear on his life but I Never thought she'd stoop that low... but I shouldn't really be surprised though, her energy was never good"

"what are you talking about?" I ask, confusedly

"That girl, your best friend, is not only manipulating you, she's also gas lighting you" he steps in close to me. "I want you to fix what you've broken"

"I ca-"

"oh darling, I don't care how you do it, I want you to make him happy again because you're the only person who has ever made him that happy!!" he yells at me. "I have every reason to believe that you are a good person in a bad situation... I have every reason to believe you love my Xavier as much as he loves you, so fucking fix what you've broken"

"I want to but-"

"no buts, Caleb" he shuts me up. "look, I don't know what you've been through, but you need to sort it out with yourself before you fix things with Vee... or neither of you will ever truly be Happy"

he pats me on the cheek and leaves me to my thoughts.

he can't be serious, Sophie was just trying to help, she's wasn't manipulating me.