The lost ocean

-Shut up! Shut up !SHUT UP!!!!

OMG , here we go again I am having a panic attack in the middle of the night .I was screaming inside of my head like i am driving myself insane .I was shaking , i was thirsty but am too scared to move and grab the cup of water beside me .I alone wholly terribly alone in an empty dark quiet room .I am staring at the ceilling , i can see faces there , i can listen to the film of my life , i can see demons flying around my bed .They are hunting me every night .I am frightened , i am crying .I am smelling the saltiness of my tears , no now they are sweet , it's like a burned candy .They are dropping little by little on the pillow until it's completely soaked . I am alone by my side , i have none with me .I am feeling like i am lost , like am floading in an ocean and can never reach the end or touch the sand at the bottom , neither float at the surface and see how clear and limpid the water is or how it's cuddling my body so softly . I am in between , and there was no plans for me i was just thrown in someplace on the earth looking for who actually i am .But , i couldn't see the sun to find my way or to try to build the human being inside of me. All i was is nothing , i am just disturbing other's life for no reason , and they're fighting back. Or maybe i am lying to myself , maybe i chose to give up and "not to be" so early .Yet what i am sure of right now is that am hopeless , powerless , exhausted ,and pretty much sad .I used to want life , i used to love her but she don't want me , neither love me back. She likes making me the weak one , teasing me , mocking me , making fun of me in front of all people .I am hurt ,my heart is just crushed , it's trembling so damn hard inside of my chest .I can hear it every night i am slipping or pretending that i am slipping every time mom enters the room.I don't want her to see me like this , certainly she 'll be sad and worried . Clearly my life can't be better than that , i am ok i still can wake up in the morning , go to school , take courses , go back home , have an other panic attack in the middle of the night . Well life continue whether you like or not and if you have any feelings Fuck them , get a cup of coffee an you 'll be alright . Sometimes i just feel that my mind is bubbling up with questions , with thoughts , with fears until i feel like i am on the verge of blowing up , but am not able to let it go like that , i can't be bothered to destroyed or have the effort to do anything to stop it 'cause i am terribly empty .So i just keep it inside of me and start burning my mind little by little until nothing is left , until i become cracked bones and dried skin .I can see all people enjoying their lives living it to the fullest , meeting good friends , hanging out , talking about their crushes , knowing love , becoming adults and other beautiful , meaningful moments i won't live .Besides i just feel like i am walking on the wrong road , i am in some kinda of universe and my life is in another , completely far away to even see me .My live is passing by , time is running so fast and nothing can't stop it , i can't keep up this way .Everyone is competing the other and i feel that am not included in this .I don't belong to the world , i don't belong to my life , my brain is too old to carry on me and my heart is broken from the beginning .I am living in a bubble , an invisible one , 'cause i am not welcomed to share the joy with other's .i am just meant to wait so patiently and slowly to death , to the end of the story .Or maybe it's a start , maybe i will find a place there .but remember dying is a kind of life anyway , there's no coma , there no unconsciousness at all....