New Game!

From a young age, everyone's parents try to teach them valuable lessons that they take with them for the rest of their lives. They range from the basic- "Don't put a fork in an electrical socket"- to the slightly more complex- "If you're going to get drunk the night before a job interview make sure the gum you chew the next morning isn't all that minty". But no piece of parental wisdom is as simple and widespread as "look both ways before crossing the street".

I don't know about anyone else but that was the first thing I really remember my Mother telling me back when I were only as tall as her knee. She had looked down at me, smiled, and said "Make sure to look both ways before going! Even if the green man is there on the light, make sure to check that no one is coming."

And so I did. And as I continued to do all throughout my life. looking both ways before crossing the road each and every time I went across one. But it wasn't just the roads. Checking both ways before I crossed anything. A path. A creek. A room. No matter what it was, I looked both ways before I went across them.

Which is why it sucks so much when I'm standing in line for my morning coffee and I've hit by a bus.

Well- one of the reasons it sucks so much.

The other is that I've been hit by a fucking bus!

A scream rips it's way from my throat as the metal death machine smashes into me at top speed. I scream long and loud, longer and louder than I thought was possible. For what seems like forever bellow my pain to the world. But as I inhale to keep going, I realize that something's a bit off. After all, if Im hurt as bad as I thought would be, I likely wouldn't have been able to scream for that long.

Yeah. I am probably fine. It probably just grazed me. I'll need to go to the hospital, sure, but it's fine. A feeling a relief sweeps through my body, making me feel like a weight as heavy as the Statue of Liberty has been removed from my shoulders. I stop my screaming. No need to add to the scene that's going on-

Wait. Why can't I hear anything?

straining my ears. Sure enough, there's no sound. No chaos like I would expect to hear after the L plowed through the front of a quaint local coffee place. No screaming. At least, no screaming that isn't coming from me. I can't even hear that gimmicky 'muzak' that coffee shops insist on playing to appear ahead of the times.

And why can't I see anything either?! There're no walls around myself, no people, no artwork, no fiery wreckage. After straining my eyes, I can barely make out two things: a heavy cover of clouds above me where a ceiling should be, and a small crumpled thing far below. I squint and peer down, trying as hard as I can to see what that little thing is and- huh.

Okay, I might be wrong, but Im pretty sure that twisted thing down there is me.

And that feeling of lightness in my head and body isn't relief.

As I struggle to comprehend that far down below me and somehow up here at the same time- WHAT. WHAT IS THIS. HOW. WHY.-

I feel myself rising closer and close to the clouds above me. I try to drop back down, first by trying to just fall over to no avail. I just continue to rise through the air as if I'm on an invisible elevator. Flipping around and trying to swim back down towards myself works no better. All it does is mean fo me to not see it when entering the clouds.

Giving up my freestyle stroke as I break through the barrier. Now that I can't see myself, getting back to the twisted mess of flesh and bone that looks like it was me seems far less important. Instead I stand back up on the invisible platform that encompasses my entire body and look around. Down below are the clouds. Above and around me is nothing.

Nothing except a small twinkling light above my head. As I notice it, the light flickers and grows, forming into letters.

GAME OVER​

...the hell?

Final Score: 124,533

Final Rank: Pointless​

That just seems unnecessarily cruel.

Also, very strange. And confusing.

It only gets more confusing as the giant Game Over above me scrolls up as if it's the opening crawl of Star Wars. It's replaced by what can only be a scoreboard that seems to be chronicling every aspect of my life. 1,000 points for learning to walk. 1 point every time you successfully used the toilet. Minus 5 points for getting caught cheating on a math test in third grade. Minus 1,500 points for being quote a 'blank slate of a person'.

I can only gape as my life score scrolls by. Finally it ends with -200 points for a violent death, leaving only the emptiness once more. Until new glowing letters emerge.

NEW GAME?​

So. It seems my life is- was- a video game? That's the meaning of life? The question people have puzzled over since the dawn of time? The meaning of life is… to get a high score.

And now my game is over. And the universe is asking if I want to start a new game. Before I realize it my mouth is moving. "Yeah! Yes. Yeah! New game!"

I really don't want to find out what happens to 'pointless' people when they say no.

The light flickers and shimmers, lurching in place like a bad TV picture. The new game prompt vanishes, replaced by another message.

[RESPONSE ACCEPTED. NEW GAME INITIATED.]

[ERROR. ERROR. DATA CORRUPTION. PREVIOUS GAME: "The Humdrum Life of Average Joe" NOT FOUND. SCANNING FOR POSSIBLE REPLACEMENTS.]

​

Uhhh…

[SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING. SCANNING. SCAN- SUBSTITUTION FOUND​]

The light resolves itself once again into a full picture, unfurling in front of me like a scroll. Music begins to play in my head, taiko drums and woodwind instruments. A map of a large continent unveils itself. Smoke rises off different parts of the map and forms solid letters before my eyes.

[WELCOME TO NEW GAME: ELEMENTAL!​]

Elemental? But I want to relive my own life! Go back, not get killed by a bus this time! Maybe make something of myself instead of just moseying along through life and taking things as they come! I-I know everything that happens in the future too! If I could just go back to my old life, I could be the richest and most powerful man in the world!

"I don't want a different game!" I protest at the universe. "I want my old life back!"

["The Humdrum Life of Average Joe" CANNOT BE FOUND. NEW GAME SUBSTITUTED. MATCH WITH PREVIOUS LOADED FILE: 85%​]

"But-"

[WOULD YOU LIKE TO START A NEW GAME?​]

"I-"

[WOULD YOU LIKE TO START A NEW GAME?]

​

"I just want-"

[WOULD YOU LIKE TO START A NEW GAME REFUSAL SHUTS DOWN THE SYSTEM.​]

"."

Okay, the universe knows I'm arguing with it. And I'm pretty sure that's a threat. I don't like the way that the last thing was menacingly spelled out, slower than the letters before it.

It looks like I have no choice. "Fine. Yes, I'll start a new game of whatever this is."

[WELCOME TO "Elemental"! PLEASE SELECT STARTING LOCATION!"​]

The words vanish like the vapor they were made from and turn into icons that hang over different parts of the map. I peer at them closely. They're all fairly simple, a line or a series of lines. They're almost like abstract art. Very familiar abstract art. The one in the middle is the one that catches my eye the most

[[insert picture here]]

"WHAT IN THE ABSOLUTE FUCK?!" I roar out.

[MATCH PERCENTAGE WITH OLD GAME: 85%]

"Like fuck it is!..

I think the goddamn Naruto world, with Ninjas and apocalypse cults and throwing fucking dragons made of fire out of mouth hands or whatever the hell they do there, is a little more than 15% different from my life!"

No new words appear. The universe seems to be tired of arguing with me. The prompts have also all vanished. There's no way to go back to what I'm going to guess is the title screen, and no way to quit if I wanted to.

So I am stuck here. About to go into the Naruto World.