Chapter 110: Seon-Ho/Seo Yeon

I had been so caught up in my resentment against Yeon amongst other things that I had to deal with that I had completely forgotten to read the other diary I had pocketed in one of my old robes...and I collapsed onto my knees in grief when I read it. I didn't know...I just assumed that she was going to push me away again this time for her plan like she always did but...but never had I imagine that she would finally truly confess her feelings for me after everything I had put her through...she finally told me how much she relied on me, how much she longed for me every day I was away instead of getting into reckless trouble that could potentially take her away from me. I just wanted to tech her a lesson...I wanted her to stop taking advantage of my love for her but she...she actually listed everything I had did for her from the day I took her into my father's mansion! And she also listed the things she did for me in return that I had no idea...when did Yeon start swapping my food with her's because she was concerned someone was tampering with it? When did she hide the materials I had in my room for the King that my father was so angry about that he actually killed off the people he worked with that caused him to be so paranoid in his final days? When did she...wait, when the hell did she get sick from ingesting a drink that was left for me in Ihwaru all those years ago?is that why she insisted she cooked for me herself? And started taking care of my personal things, such as my clothing and weapons? Because she didn't trust anyone in his mansion to that extent? Yeon...Yeon put substances in my food so I could sleep better and had been tending to me in my sleep; healing my woads with medicinal herbs...massaging me and even slept while I was away at work so she could stay up and watch over me around the time where I had a few enemies that had ambushed me a number of times when the King started relying on me the moment I first walked trough the palace doors. And I...just before she ran out of my office I...i forced Yeon...I ran outside as quickly as I could just in time to throw up all of the alcohol and opium I had been taking ever since I had returned. What Da-In revealed to me upset me so much that I had retuned back to my vices more so than ever before...in fact I was a full blown addict that needed help...I needed her help.

So I waited for her in my office, ready to apologise for my actions and to finally tell her was was going on...but she didn't show up to the palace for the first time. I insisted on waiting for her, ready to hand over a gift she had been waiting for since she was 14 years old. I waited anxiously as I felt the need for liquor to breathe into my bloodstream overtake me but she still didn't show up. I had assumed she was just that angry at me so I waited outside her home. I knocked first but when I tried to make my way inside I was shocked to have found out the home was boarded up from the inside.

This had completely set me off as I lost all patience at that point and had started kicking in the door with my feet, not caring that I had opened up a recent war wound. But when I saw the home I had given her was emptied out and there were no maids about that I had hired I started to really panic. I shouted and screamed for her until her closest maid came running out from the home next to it and tried to calm me down. She told me that Yeon had dismissed all of the maids and had boarded up the home herself in tears before she mounted her horse...and no one had seen her again, the day of our fight. She had not even been to see her brother nor left anything for him...and with that I had sunk to my knees and completely passed out in the loneliness that I had unintentionally built for myself....

I worked, I drank, I got high everyday for the next 2 months until she retired home. I was so out of it I didn't even realise that Chun-Ae had retuned to my side and had begun taking care of me again. When I found out the she had left with him I was plunged into such a deep hole of disappear that I never wanted to feel again...I couldn't believe I had treated her that way just as she finally confessed to me...regret consumed me everyday until I could no longer take it and I wanted to take my own life. I had her embroidery on my person everyday I felt anxious, depressed or when I missed her in general. I was still successful in the palace but what good was it without her? I had people find her as soon as I found out she had left, but there was no indication when she would return. Everyday without her was torture...so much so that I vowed that I would never go through this again in my life. The next time I had her in my sight I had to bind her to me for good. But as the weeks turned into months and I had began to loose all hope...I wrote letters to her that were sent back unopened to me....I had really messed up this time and it looked like she hadn't forgiven me or missed me at all.

The day I was ready to take my life, I had tucked myself into her room in the gala home she had lived in. I didn't let anyone wash anything she had touched so her obsessions she had left behind still carried her scent. I covered myself in everything sh lead left behind...but the moment I held my dagger to my throat I had heard her voice of all voices getting closer and closer...and before I knew it, my dagger had been thrown across the room. I was high out of my mind so my vision was blurred...I couldn't see her, no matter how many times I tried to blink. I tried to say something, anything, but my words were slurring. I felt a soft hand reach out for my head and I passed out once again into the darkness....