The Curse of a Cycle (The Count)

“A person truly dies when they no longer want to live.”- Bad_Karma

I was free falling. I have BEEN free falling. I’ve been falling down this dark abyss for too long. A sickening tug has been pulling on me in my gut. Nausea flooded my veins and pumped hard in my heart. I was cold, yet hot. Dry, but clammy. Sad and even sadder.

I was free falling, and was tired of it. Tired of the darkness choking me. Suffocating me. Killing me.

I continued to fall; however, I could feel myself approaching the end.

“But is it the end?” I pondered to myself.

I already knew the answer. There was no ending to this cycle. This HELL. No matter how hard I looked, no matter how much I wanted it to exist, I knew there was no escape. There was no end of this tunnel. At least, not for me......... Not that I am aware of. There never will be.

The sins of my past still haunt me. They forever will. Even though my memory is not it’s best, I don’t have to remember everything to still receive the punishment of god.

There are some things I can’t forget, however. Something that can’t simply go away. The life I lived, though short, wasn’t always at times the best. Most of those years were slugged with blood.

I’ve committed terrible sins in the name of god for what I thought was right. Sins. Unjustified actions I performed in order to protect a people who I thought wanted my protection. Defiled their trust with my distrust. In the end, they turned their backs on me. In a fit of rage I made them pay for it.

I spent my entire unlife pondering. Questioning. Angry. I had ripped my way through this in search of answers. Hoping that someday the answers would finally be presented to me. Yet, they never came.

God? Or whatever higher power presiding over me, why am I here? I’m tired of this curse. This torment. This CYCLE. When does it end? Is it going to last forever? Am I destined to be a denizen for eternity? Am I destined to walk this hell forever?

If your there, if you can hear me, please give me a sign.