Chapter Twenty-Nine

All I could do was stand there. Stand there frozen in place on the sidewalk, just staring up at the hospital in front of me, as if it were a nightmare brought to reality. In a way, it was. All of this was a nightmare that had been brought to reality against all of my wishes. It was the day that I never wanted to come. The one that I had been trying to avoid, wishing to never come, and now it was here with full force. There was no airbag for today. No way to ease the harsh and traumatizing impact that had hit me this morning like a train going full speed.

Today marked two months since Amelia had received the phone call from Derek.

Just under two months since I had picked up and came to Seattle.

Two months that I had been working my ass off in one of the hospital conference rooms.

Two months since Mark had slipped into a coma.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Morning Dr. Howards." Brooks greeted me when I finally made my way into the building, after standing out front for over an hour, just staring at the hospital.

"You're not with me Brooks, go find someone else to annoy." I kept walking past her as I spoke, heading towards the stairwell. All I wanted was to be left alone to face the truth of what was going to be happening at five o'clock this afternoon. I gripped the cup of tea tightly in my hands as I walked into the stairwell, relieved to find it empty. I sat down on the top step and took a deep breath, trying to clear my mind.

It felt as though everything around me was going fast as I just sat there, as if the world was set to fast forward while I was only at normal speed. The past two months had flown by in the blink of an eye and I hadn't been able to accomplish anything that I had wanted. Mark was still in his coma with no improvement. Abby was seventeen hours away living with one of my friends instead of me. I hadn't seen her in two months except for the few times that she had Skyped me, wanting to make sure that I was okay. In just months she had become the adult and I had become the child. Everything in my life was a mess and it only seemed to get worse with every passing day.

"I thought I'd find you here." I jumped slightly at the familiar voice, not having heard anyone enter the stairwell. I glanced over my shoulder to see Avery standing there, a coffee in his hands. He gave me a weak smile as he walked over and sat down at my side, resting his forearms on his knees.

"Usually people hide out in the stairwell in order to be alone." I commented.

"Today's not a day when anyone should be alone." He shook his head as he gazed down at the ground.

"Today's the kind of day when people end up left alone." I frowned at my own words, hating the truth that laid behind them.

"What was he like back in the day?" His question surprised me, causing me to look up at him again. "Before he moved to Seattle?"

"He was Mark." I shrugged, not knowing what else to really say. "He was a jokester, but was nice and caring. Way too overprotective."

"How long have you known each other?" He asked.

"We met when I was eighteen." I thought back. "I graduated from high school early and was about to start my sophomore year in college. I went to tour Columbia's medical school and I slipped away from the group and ended up running into him. After that he just took me under his wing."

"He didn't hit on you?" He raised a brow at me, not seeming to believe me.

"Honestly, no." I shook my head. "He just acted like a brother from the start. That always confused me, especially after I saw how he was around women. I used to swear that his brain was in his penis somehow and that that was why he was such a man whore."

"That sounds like Mark." He chuckled.

"The old Mark." I corrected him. "He changed after he met Lexie. I remember the first time he visited me after they got together. We went out to eat and he didn't check out anyone. I asked him in the middle of dinner if he was dying, he just laughed at me and told me about her. He talked about how great she was, she sounded perfect for him."

"They were great together." He nodded in agreement. "Neither of them could have done any better."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I can't do this." I shook my head as I stood in front of Mark's room. It was almost four which meant that it was almost time for him to be taken off of life support. Derek, Callie, and I were all supposed to be in the room for it, but I couldn't bring myself to go inside. I couldn't bring myself to watch as my best friend died in front of me.

"Yes you can." Avery encouraged me from where he stood by my side. He'd been keeping an eye on me all day, making sure that I didn't try to run off or do something stupid. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that Derek had told him to keep an eye on me, knowing that I wouldn't let him anywhere near me right now, not today. "You have to."

"Dr. Howards." I glanced over to see Webber walking towards me, Derek and Callie following behind him. All of them had grim looks on their faces, ones that I sure matched the look on my own face. I knew we had all been hoping for the same thing all day, a miracle.

I took a deep breath as I followed them into Mark's room, my stomach becoming heavier with every step I took. Webber walked over to the left side of Mark's bed, where the machines that were keeping Mark alive at the moment were. The rest of us stood on the right side of the bed, all lined up. Callie stood at the head with Derek beside her and myself on his other side.

"After I stop his medication, I'm gonna extubate him." Webber began to explain to us.

"Okay, we're all doctors here." Callie cut him off. "You don't need to say this."

"I'm not saying it because you need to know the procedure. I say it because even if you think you're prepared for what's about to happen, you're not. Your brain can't fully absorb what we're about to do. But by saying this ... I'm giving you a little time to catch up." Webber gave each of us a pained look before he continued. "So ... after I stop his medications ... I'm gonna extubate him. As indicated in his living will, Dr. Sloan asked that, if life-sustaining procedures would only prolong the moment of death, that these procedures be discontinued. Dr. Sloan asked that if he were unable to make his own medical decisions, that his directive be honored by his chosen proxy. His final request was that only comfort care be given to him in his final moments. Once support is removed, he may only hold on for a few minutes ... or the process could take hours. I'm turning the ventilator off."

We all watched as Webber flipped the switch and then began to carefully remove the tube from Mark's throat. As I watched this I could feel the tears beginning to sting at my eyes, falling over and cascading down my cheeks.

"We've sedated him with morphine so he's not feeling any of this." He assured us.

"Thank you." I whispered, meaning it. If I had to lost Mark today then it was comforting to know that he wouldn't be feeling any of the pain that I knew his body was going to go through.

"I'll give you some privacy." Webber excused himself before leaving the room. As he left we each grabbed a chair and pulled them towards Mark's bedside. Callie stayed on the right side while I went to the left side and sat near the head of the bed and Derek pulled a chair up next to mine.

We all just sat there and watched as Mark struggled to breathe. Watching the heart monitor as it beeped, slowly slowing down, showing us as Mark's heart fought to continue beating, fought to keep Mark alive. I reached up and grabbed one of Mark's hands in-between my own. There were no longer needles and wires connected to his hand, but it didn't hold its familiar warmth either. It now limp and cold in-between my own. It felt wrong.

Time dragged on slowly as the heart monitor slowed, but none of us made a sound. I just sat in my seat, silently crying as I kept switching my gaze between Mark's face and the monitor. After some time though I heard the long beep that didn't seem to ever end and with it I could feel my heart breaking. I tightened my grip on Mark's hand as more tears spilled down my face, a broken sob escaping my lips and I rested my head down on the bed, my tears now beginning to soak the sheets.

"No, please." I choked out between sobs, my entire body shaking with every strangled breath I took in between my sobs.

This couldn't be happening.

He couldn't be dead.

I felt a hand rest on my shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. I knew it was Derek, but I didn't have it in me to shrug it off as I continued to cry. All I wanted was to go back four months. To not reschedule with Mark, to not make him be on that plane. That was all I wanted. All I wanted was for him to be alive, for everything to be okay.

As I continued to cry I could feel my breaths becoming uneven, more like gasps, air not wanting to come in through my sobs. I couldn't breath through my tears. My body seemed to shake as I pushed myself up from my chair and I hurried out of the hospital room, leaving Mark's dead body behind, in the hands of Derek and Callie. I couldn't be in there any longer. I couldn't handle any of this.

I hurried through the halls until I spotted the supply closet that I had used my first day here to fix my head. I slammed the door behind me and walked to the back, sinking down to the floor as I continued to gasp for air between my sobs. It wasn't a minute later that the door opened again. I looked up with blurry vision and was able to make out Avery as he came over to my side, tears of his own spilling down his cheeks. He didn't say anything as he knelt down next to me on the floor and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into his side. I didn't try to argue as I buried my face into his chest and sobbed, crying out for Mark, but knowing that he'd be able to come to my rescue again.