18

{ === + === }

So…there seems to be quite a lot more whispering about us in the recent days.

I imagine so, yeah.

And most of it seems to be unrelated to the boat.

…oh, yeah. that.

So Skeeter is a thing. Still.

She published an article detailing the Harry-Hermione-Krum relationship.

Krum sought out Hermione during the Yule Ball. We were obviously not involved.

I've asked Hermione and (after reassurances that I'm on her side) she corroborates the details presented in Rita's story. She also notes that Rita's story was incredibly detailed…as in, impossible to know through second-hand information.

So either Hermione and Krum (and by extension Harry) failed every spot check they had last night or we got a little beetle girl on our hands. No points for guessing.

Plans for Skeeter?

…I wish I could hold on to my initial desire of getting Skeeter to my side, but considering how I'm spending my time, she's seriously out of scope. Or below scope. Or something.

So what are we spending time on?

Training for the maze.

…

[Maze reasoning]

…

So obviously the last stage is the maze. Like canon, we'll be entering individually and the last man standing wins the entire competition.

I'm assuming that, like canon, Fake Moody will be wandering around screwing with people to let Harry win. I'm also assuming that I've made enough of an ass of myself in Fake Moody's eyes to be priority target number one, so I need to be ready for a surprise attack in the maze.

…I also need to prepare for the graveyard battle, and that's a bigger problem if only because we have to go through the maze first.

So…at the end of the day, this is the Triwizard cup. This is a sporting event. The first two events I could do whatever I wanted so long as I stuck with nonlethal methodology, because at the end of the day there wasn't anything crucial going on.

For the third one, I need to be as lethal as possible while being nonlethal. Also (and I get the feeling this is my fault) we're going to be checked for equipment to make sure that the only thing we take into the maze is our wand, and the summoning spell is exclusively banned.

Pretty sure it's our fault, since we summoned a gunboat and all.

Yeah…anyways, this means whatever gear I have I need to procure either on the spot or hide it in my socks. I'm carrying two small bags of holding and they're fitted into my shoes. Between the two of them, I have enough storage room for one of our AKs and some ammunition, but due to some weird formational thing the AKs will have to be stripped down to pieces.

Thus, I'm spending a few hours per day stripping and reassembling the Soviet Masterpiece until I can do it in the dark and in my sleep.

How's that going?

I have a reassemble success rate of about 15% after 80 hours of practice. You tell me. Funnily enough, McGonagall's willing to look the other way as long as I'm doing my classwork.

Weren't you banned?

I mean…yes, but she's the one doing the banning, so…

Second on the agenda is actual tactics. So far, the fights I've had generally involved both sides have no occlusion and no surprises, strictly speaking. The snake was the closest thing to a surprise attack, and even then there was, like, a long time to prepare.

If events proceed like canon then this lack of ambush experience absolutely cannot be allowed, for both Cedric and my well-beings.

To that end, I've spent the time building a fairly sizable obstacle course with popup targets that shoot water at random intervals. They're not hard to dodge after the first few runs.

But you're still going home yet.

Y…yeah. I mean…yeah.

At the end of the day, if the only thing I managed to learn is to reflexively take cover and cower furiously, then the track would have done its purpose.

But, yeah, with all that in the docket I just don't have the time to deal with Skeeter.

So with that in mind, let's cover the other events.

…

[Snape's Storage]

…

Er…what?

Professor Snape had complained (to himself) about stolen Boomslang skin.

…Oh. Oh right. Fake Moody's…uh…what do you call it. Polyjuice potion.

Snape did not complain about Gillyweed as Neville took the time from his Christmas break to procure it from out of castle.

Neville's really coming along as the hero he deserves to be. It's quite nice.

…

Though…I heard about this after the fact, as Snape's got a thing for Harry. Per canon, Harry was ordered to stay behind and got interrogated by Snape about the missing ingredients (which he truthfully knew nothing) And then Karkaroff came in at the tail end to show something on his arm.

No points for guessing what that is, though this does pose a different question. A question that I posed one day with absolutely zero tact or foresight.

"Professor Snape. You have the dark mark, no?"

He understandably freezes for a second. "Yes. It is a part of my history." He says stiffly.

"Harry told me Karkaroff went and showed you his mark a while back, right?" I ask…or, more accurately, I lie. Harry just said Karkaroff showed off something on Snape's arm.

There was about a five-day gap between these two events.

"That he did." Snape replies stiffly again.

But the million dollar question is: "So the mark hasn't shown any changes until recently?"

Snape gives me a weird look at that.

I need to know. "Is that a yes?"

"To the best of my memory it has not shown any changes until recently, now stop pestering me." He snaps.

Hmm.

On one hand, good: it means Ghost!Riddle hasn't taken over or done anything of interest.

On the other, bad: it means Ghost!Riddle is still unaccounted for. If he does the smart things and goes completely silent to prepare for a new invasion in twenty years or so, then…well, then smartphones will be prolific and video records will be ubiquitous, so if that happens then we'd know about it.

Either way, it's ultimately quite reassuring to know that Riddle has been a nonfactor. Sounds like it's going to stop being the case real soon though, yuck.

…

[Barty Crouch Senior]

…

Since Sirius is obviously not as pivotal to the main group, we ended up filling in for him when Crouch started to play a bigger role in the exposition.

Disclaimer…

Yeah, yeah…Sirius told us, and we told the trio. Because, not gonna lie, I forgot Crouch Senior existed even as a supporting character.

To sum up, as far as everybody who's not me is concerned: Crouch Senior is a politician. He's responsible for sending Sirius into Azkaban without trial, going martial law on the Death Eaters (however well that went), and killing his son for being a mass murderer and political liability.

Considering the dude was operating in basically wartime conditions, two out of three isn't bad. The Hero Party doesn't like Sirius as much as they did in canon (not much time to bond) but they generally consider Crouch to be…if not a good person, then at least an ally.

Also Percy. Percy got a ministry job (per canon). Ron's being tasked with bugging him for information pertaining to Crouch Senior, but I think that's a dead end.

And they're doing this because…?

I…don't remember. Canonically there was a reason for it, I think? But right now there isn't a pressing need, so they're kind of just looking for information to be prepared for the future.

…

[Winky]

…

She works at Hogwarts and is an alcoholic because the society of house elves does not provide psychiatrists. Next!

…

[Hermione Fallout]

…

She gets hate mail because of paparazzi. I bewitch a hairpin for her that flashes when it detects "possibly dangerous" magic. She doesn't use it.

Reason: it never stops flashing and has the lumens of a truck's LED headlight.

I'm not very good.

Either way, she gets cursed by a hormonal 14 year old and has to spend time in the infirmary. Sports people are weird, man.

Also Fred and George learn about the downfalls of invented gold.

We then pose an offhand question to them: "why is gold valuable?"

In the middle of Care of Magical Creatures. We get quite a lot of weird looks as a result.

To their credit, The Twins actually take their time to think it over, and both reply with a somewhat confused "I don't know."

It's not like I had a good reason for asking either, so it's nice of them to play along and actually mull it over. I hope this doesn't cause them to start doing scams or something.

We did introduce them to a Nigerian Prince scam.

…I'm not very good.

Also, sidetracked: Hermy hatemail.

Hagrid tells Hermy to nevermind the hate mail.

I tell her to start suing for libel. I do not know Wizarding Law.

She listens to Hagrid.

Like any sane person would.

She's also digging deeper into Skeeter, because the two are now mortal enemies, so we're just gonna, y'know, let her do her thing.

…

[The Maze: Reveal]

…

We learn about the maze on…uh…24th of May. The Quidditch folk are saddened.

"Why did you build it in the stadium?" I can't help but ask.

"For the stands, my boy!" Bagman replies jovially.

Remember how the Quidditch stadium in the first movie was basically just a ring? Oh how far we've come.

Still. "And magically building a new set of stands was beyond you?"

"Tearing it down is beyond me." Bagman winks. "I like to keep things simple."

Simple like your ploy to pay off your debts, yeah.

All we have is muggle money, so we can't really help him there.

What could he possibly contribute to me?

…

[Hermione versus the Weasley Family]

…

I don't get why Molly puts such a strong emphasis on Hermione's perceived infidelity.

She ships Harry and Hermione.

Apparently.

So it's around Easter and per canon Molly gave Hermy way smaller eggs.

It should be noted that there's no Weasley eggs for me, since I'm pretty much not involved in their lives…and our last few interactions have been, uh, somewhat not quite neutral in a bad way.

Arthur practically worships the ground you walk on. Maybe that's why Molly has such a low opinion of you.

That too. That said, it's not as if Molly has a 'low opinion' of me, it's just rather difficult to place what kind of person I am. I mean, hell, I'm talking about her on a first name basis.

And this is along with or in spite of the previously poor meetings?

Eehh…I got the Weasley parents Christmas presents, despite not really knowing them all that well (officially).

Arthur was easy to shop for. I just bought him a grill set worth two thousand bucks (complete with a flowery 'kiss-the-cook' apron). Molly…marginally less so. She's such the perfect mother that anything I buy based on that personality trait would constitute a mockery or something.

In the end, going the safe route is best. I got her around 300 galleons worth of Diagon Alley vouchers for clothes, school supplies, and so on. Granted, the money would be more flexible if it wasn't store credit, but if I straight up gave her money I think she would be offended.

…How'd you get the money?

…I, uh, am not a good person.

Afterwards I realized how odd it appears for a teenager to gift two grownups some pretty lavish gifts–like, 300 galleons is not a money you just throw away–but I did it already, so eh.

Arthur wrote back and was incredibly happy about the grill's instruction manual, and Molly is unhappy about the fire hazard in their yard. She also seems to have an inkling that my gold may or may not be ill-gotten, and is rightfully suspicious.

For the record, jokes aside, the galleons I have are due to completely legal financial exchanges with Gringotts, because, at the end of the day, the Wizarding Economy cannot be closed. The exchange rate between 'muggle money' and wizard money is actually not that different from dollars to pounds, which is kind of neat. They don't take euros, funnily enough.

Issues with me aside, Harry ultimately told Molly what to believe, and because obviously Harry is more trustworthy than Hermione or me, or Ron, or Fred and George…

…y'know, not trusting the victim aside, I see where she's coming from.

All he did was tell her that Skeeter is a liar.

Sometimes all it takes is a seventh opinion.

…

[Me]

…

So Skeeter has written about me, and how I cheated my way through the trials via Summoning an Ancient Dragon or Summoning A Muggle Boat.

Upon being asked for comment, I directed subsequent questions to Daisy.

Surprisingly the Prophet does have other reporters.

When approached about the issues of cheating to get into the tournament, my response was pretty much "muggle tournaments can disqualify people for cheating, why can't wizarding ones?"

Like seriously what kind of competition has no disqualifying act?

Our statement made us few friends.

…

[Harry's Nightmare Thing]

…

So…yeah.

With the second task's problem (training on the boat) solved we went back to the Gryffindor tower to sleep.

The books more or less follow Harry's viewpoint, in which he wakes up after he has his midnight panic attack, and kind of plays off the reactions of his friends like "yeah, I'm fine, don't worry".

When you're on the outside looking in though? Hohoholy shit Harry's night terrors are absurd.

His thrashing came very close to snapping his neck a few times.

We thus came very close to hitting him with Wind of Sleep just to get him to stop.

I don't have a solution for this problem and there is nothing I could suggest that would simultaneously make the problem better while avoiding suspicion, so I just recommended the hospital wing and let it go.

Later on Harry gets another terror attack (let's just call it that) during Divination and goes to Dumbledore to get his answers, which leads to him meeting with Fudge about Crouch.

…

[More Politics & Pensieve]

…

…why is this section here? We weren't there for any of this.

Harry meets the politicians and then takes a trip down Dumbledore's memory lane to learn about Crouch Junior's trial.

I bet we could make a sadistically large amount of money if we used a pensieve for adult purposes.

Sigh.

…right, we met the politician squad (Moody, Fudge, and Dumbledore) while they were touring the grounds.

Or, more accurately, while I was trying to outfit Daisy the T-rex with a large wind enchanted fixed wing.

A flying T-rex?

Y'know, for research purposes. Currently she can only leap, so having some maneuverability would be nice.

"So this is the…other surprise contestant." Fudge says in a fairly…worried? Tone.

"Hello~" I wave from atop Knight Daisy. "How do you like this golem?"

"It is…something." Fudge says with a glance at Dumbledore that plainly says "is this kid sane?"

Dumbledore just chuckles.

"Hello, headmaster, Professor Moody." I make myself polite. "Lovely weather for a ride today."

"Shouldn't you be practicing for the third trial?" Moody growls.

"There's a time for rest and a time for work." I reply (faux) sagely. "Besides, my place's taken." Which it is. The Durmstrang team booked my obstacle course for the entire day and Krum's putting in a lot of hours.

"I'm curious as to your opinion, Ash." Dumbledore says suddenly.

There's a sparkle in his eyes that suggests some greater plan.

I hop off my high dinosaur. "Shoot."

"Have you heard of Bertha Jorkins?" He asks conversationally. Fudge is not amused.

Also, who? "Can't say I have."

Cue Exposition.

Lady who died at the beginning of Goblet of Fire. Got it.

"What say you?" Dumbledore asks at the end. Crouch Senior said Bertha was dead, Fudge doesn't believe and thinks Madame Maxime the half-giant did it, Moody gives zero fucks…the usual.

Also, going by Dumbledore's tone he is being very carefree about all of this…but at the same time.

Yeah, he's using us to push an agenda.

Meh, I'll bite. "What was she sent to do that would cause Madame Maxime to kill her?" I play dumb.

Fudge actually looks surprised at that. "Nothing untoward, if that is what you're implying." He says indignantly.

Poke! "Really? So you think the silly French people just kill everybody they don't like?"

Fudge is pissed. Dude has a short fuse when it comes to his ego, huh?

Poke again! "So are you investigating?"

Sulky silence.

"Are you communicating with the Albanian government?" By which we mean the magical one.

More sulky silence.

I frown. "Do you care that she died?"

"That's quite enough." Fudge snaps, obviously intent on leaving.

Except I am an American and thus have zero social grace! "You're going to at least make a public statement, right?"

"If she has indeed died, yes." Fudge snaps. "Albus, do all of your students talk like this?"

Dumbledore chuckles. "He is one of a kind. Do you have any advice for our dear Minister?" He then asks…I think he's laughing at Fudge. "He's never above listening to his constituents."

Fudge just rolls his eyes.

Prrreetty sure Dunny's trolling Fudge now, or at least has him on a short leash. "Uh…well, if someone is trying to hex you, it's a lot better to get out of the way first before pretending that the other guy doesn't exist."

"Well said." Dumbledore claps politely.

Moody nods (as a formality as I don't think he cares).

Fudge has no clue what the fuck. I think he ignores me.

Meh.

I go back to giving Daisy airstrike capabilities.

And yet you wonder why nobody takes you seriously.

…

[Fred & George's Joke Shop]

…

So…lessee.

The two of them got a lot of Leprechaun gold from Bagman per their bet, the gold vanished, so now they're trying to get him to pay up.

Obviously as neither side has written records it's basically Bagman at fault because we're on the side of the twins.

Wait what

That's how it works, right?

Anyhoo, they're in the market for an investment.

Incidentally, the reason why they listen to us (more) is that Molly inadvertently let it slip that we bought them those, as she put it, "very lavish" Christmas gifts, despite being what most people would consider a penniless orphan. She doesn't approve (since we could be spending the money better) but she will leverage it to get her sons to behave.

Also I have, in no particular order, a flying van, a flying T-rex, a secret base/armory, an absurd bank account, a second absurd bank account, and a gunboat.

Also we have a flying van, a T-rex, a secret base, an absurd bank account, and a gunboat.

I think the gunboat might be the real reason.

I think so too.

Fred & George are still hell-bent on getting their money back (or at least somehow getting even).

For the sake of simplicity, we're just going to follow the canonical route of giving them the winnings if we end up getting them.

…It's nice to have so much money available that a prize of a thousand galleons is beneath our notice.

…

[Third Task Leadup]

…

Uh…Rita knows Harry's scar hurts, the parents are allowed to show up for spectatorship, I'm an orphan, boo hoo hoo, etc etc etc.

Percy's in legal trouble because Crouch Senior something something. At this point I've spent so many hours in my prep work I've lost touch with the main narrative.

Percy's taking over for Crouch Senior because the dude is, uh, 'sick'.

Next!

…

[Maze Leadup]

…

Owing in no small part to everyone working together for the water dungeon and the training grounds, it's fair to say that the contestants are comparably nicer with each other than they would be in canon.

Also. "We all agree on this?" I ask in our pre-game huddle.

"Luminous Ray active at all times." Hermione nods. "And no in-fighting until we reach the cup."

Luminous Ray?

A custom spell I designed (with Hermy's help to actually craft). It's basically a watered down Protean charm.

Protean charm being the magical equivalent to a wireless network.

In our case, the LRay spell has two components: a receiver, and a broadcaster. When the receiver is active, they can see all the broadcasters in a fifty meter distance.

Since we're basing it off of Protean, it's immune to magical jamming effects, and thus should work in the maze. I took the time to test it, but I'm sure the mock walls I built and enchanted are way worse than the maze walls.

Anyways, this spell's primary use is in the broadcasters. When cast, it lasts for an hour and is connected directly to the mental awareness of the caster. If someone with this spell is hit, the light (usually yellow) will turn red. In other words, when Crouch Junior starts hexing people, we (I) will know.

For safety's sake, I also let Dumbledore know we'll be doing this.

Dumbledore will also cast the "receiver" portion of the spell so he will be able to check on us if shit goes to pot.

Again, I feel like this is one of the precautions they should have taken already.

It's 1995. Wireless networking really isn't big yet.

I know, but walkie talkies are.

…Welp.

…

[Maze]

…

They line us up for eight entrances and let us go in one at a time.

With the worst score, I'm last.

…

Also, holy shit.

Stepping into the maze and INSTANTLY everything goes silent.

Ok then.

We go about three corners before immediately stopping to take our shoes off.

Thank you baglets of holding!

We take out the small pieces and then quickly and expertly assemble the assault rifle.

I think I'm missing a piece or two, but it's nothing my wand can't make up for.

Anyhoo.

I'm now fully ready with my silenced AK, loaded with tracing stun rounds in an ammo-regenerating magazine. Honestly it just shoots packets of physics, but who's counting?

This is why muggles shouldn't use magic.

Totally.

…

…

Do dee do.

Marching through the maze with my gun~

Mowing down everything I see~

Good thing I have this thing set to stun~

Or else Hagrid will beat the shit outta me~

We have, as of five minutes into the maze, "killed" a dozen creatures.

Oh look a Boggart.

It changes into the visage of Tom Riddle immediately.

Switching mag to live ammo.

We level our gun at Boggart Riddle, who has no idea what he's looking at. And then we drill it with bullets.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

AAAASSSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE

…

Huh.

So Boggarts can die. Or at least be so perforated that it can no longer move.

Well…uh…maybe switching to live ammo wasn't such a bright idea.

At least this one's leaving a body.

…Actually if you think about it, it's very likely not even close to dead, so let's just move on before this gets any worse.

So how many rounds did that take?

The bottomless magazine refilled twice, so somewhere around 60 rounds.

Seems a touch excessive.

Worth it.

…

…

…

Ten minutes in, one of the blips suddenly go red.

While I can't speak for everyone else I'm instantly on full alert.

Before now, we were sauntering through the maze like we owned the place.

Now? Dampen footsteps, crouch, set alarms.

The alarms are just some basic electric-type spells that produce something like static electricity.

If there is someone behind us, I'll know.

…

Anyway, continuing through the maze…

Fifteen minutes in, there's a sphinx.

The Sphinx opens its mouth to speak a riddle.

It gets moved down with superior nonlethal damage.

A perfect adage for how the world works.

Can't outsmart a boolet.

…

Sixteen minutes in, another blip goes red. Judging by their erratic movement, the red blips are actively hunting for new targets…while having very little spatial awareness.

Hmm…

Should I be diverting from my goal to hit Crouch?

…Nah, that gets Cedric killed. Getting to the cup is priority number one.

Really?

Let's say for the sake of argument that we're still deeply rooted in the canonical timeline. If Crouch isn't around to help Harry out, he would very likely be the last one to the Cup, if he gets there at all. Which means that one of the three—and we're saying Cedric just because he's the first name that came to mind—one of the three gets to the cup first, and gets transported, and gets killed.

Yes, Voldefuck doesn't revive for at least a while longer, but…

…oh…

…Well I missed that train by a few miles.

Um? Care to explain?

I just had a thought. Voldemort basically never got rid of the eighth grader disease, so he wants everything about him to be cool.

Now, Tommy went and killed his parents (parent). They were then buried. Would someone like Voldemort, who really (and I mean really) plays up his special-ness, leave the graves of his hated parents for the world to see?

Ah.

Yeah…my extended plans for the Graveyard involve calling Sirius. If the graveyard is unmappable or under Fidelius, that may no longer be an option. I mean, I'm not entirely sure how the spell works with regards to us getting pulled into the place, but let's assume it's nothing good.

So…I don't know how it's gonna work with a Portkey, but I'm going to assume if the key was enchanted to go to a location that the secret keeper knows about, it's going to get there no matter what. Fidelius is old, and Tom has a boner for being old and mysterious, so he probably knows it better than, say, love. I mean, he probably finds love all ew and icky n'shit.

Why?

I'm going to headcanon that Voldemort never bothered learning about love because he just finds it to be too squicky. I'd say the dude never kissed a girl, but physical affection and emotional affection aren't directly related, so eh.

And it's not due to the love potion at all, right?

I mean…I'm not a magical biologist, so I don't know what kind of information is transferred from a sperm to an egg, but I feel like the dad taking the potion would have a pretty limited effect on the fetus in the mom's body throughout the nine month gestation period. Or else maybe his mother was into some real kinky shit, I dunno.

This just in: love potions go directly from the mind to the dick.

I mean…if we were to think that Voldemort can never 'love' then it follows that he was basically irredeemable from the beginning, which means that killing him fast and hard would be a mercy.

That seems a little harsh on Harry.

Is it? Imagine if Voldemort went "yeah, ok, my bad" at the end of Deathly Hallows. What would it have changed?

Everyone stands and claps?

Ha. Seriously though. What was he supposed to do, settle down peacefully? Turn himself in to the ministry he runs so they can send him to the prison guarded literally by his own soldiers?

Since Harry asked for him to be sorry, and if the thought of remorse could kill him…then basically Harry asked Voldemort to take the coward's way out at the end, no?

…this is getting weird. Point is, in the event that somebody other than Harry gets to the end first and is forced to put their hand on the Cup alone, they're dead and we'll never find their body.

…also I think one of the dots is getting closer.

Ok, game time.

We move quickly to the next corner and take aim around.

…Sighted. Fleur's partner.

Bang bang bang.

She's down. Yay for stunners.

So about these stunners.

Literally packets of the stunner charm. Reduced effect compared to just casting the spell, but the method of delivery (gun) is faster and makes up for the difference.

Also you can shoot people in the head with next to no repercussions.

That too. Sorry nameless lady, I'll get you flowers or something.

Get well soon.

Moving on.

…

If one of the dots is Fleur's NPC, then the other should be Krum's NPC, no?

Speaking of which, the second red dot is about to meet two yellow dots.

…

The dots move erratically for a little bit.

Looks like a scuffle, though since I don't have visual contact there's no way to tell.

The red dot goes down.

Hmm…

The other two yellow dots then go red at almost the same time.

…Wow. I can't imagine two dots going down to one mind controlled drone like that…so Crouch is there?

I can't quite tell how close they are to me since the dots don't exactly obey depth rules. Still, if I'm reading my genre right, that means Fleur and Krum just got double-KOed.

…Oooooh shit we're gonna bring Hermione into the graveyard aren't we

Like it's not even going to be a choice, it's just gonna happen.

Fuck it, caution to the wind, full speed ahead. Getting to the Cup first is priority. Point me!

While still crouched slightly, we begin running with our wand out in front.

This is a neato spell. I like it.

…

[Ten more minutes pass]

…

There it is!

The cup is standing unsullied in the middle of a conspicuously empty clearing…well, empty besides it and the pedestal it's sitting on.

Also the two red dots are very close to the center.

Does this feel like a trap? Because this totally feels like a trap.

…The three other lights are also moving closer, with one of them being quite a few steps in front. That's probably Cedric. The one furthest back is likely Hermione.

Oh really.

Nothing against her, she just refused to go through the obstacle course as often as we did. In my timeline she is the worst combat caster by sheer experience.

Let's see here…

I could go first, or I could sit back and see exactly who we're dealing with.

Let's do the second thing, if only because I'm getting cold feet here.

We hold for five minutes and watch the other blips make their way closer to the maze center.

After those five minutes, the two red dots make it to the center first.

…Per expectations, it's Fleur and Krum.

…It doesn't look like they see us.

Bang bang bang bang bang.

…And now they definitely can't see us.

Because they're stunned.

Don't explain the joke.

Hmm…I don't see Crouch or Moody!Crouch checking in on his plan, so…he tried it just as a stunt? Seems unlikely…

He still has that eye, no? Odds are we are being watched.

Yeah…hm? What happened at the tail end of Goblet of Fire?

Uh…lessee if I'm remembering this right…Harry came out of the maze, there is confusion…Moody drags him off, and the scene unravels. Moody claims to be responsible for ensuring Harry's success through the maze, and that's probably what's going on here too, so he's likely more focused on clearing Harry's path…

That said, I'm the variable here, and I'm pretty sure he has his eye out on me just in case.

…So…in canon, when did the goblet become a portkey?

That's never addressed.

So…fair to say that it became a key after it's placed in the maze, whenever that is. By that logic, Moody's the DA teacher, so he probably had last touch and final say on how it should be enchanted…

…man, the Goblet's security is shit. Book 4 is pretty much "why we need better policing: the book".

After another two minutes, we see Harry, Hermione, and Cedric arrive at roughly the same time from different entrances.

Cedric makes it out ok, but Harry and Hermy are running away from something.

As they round the corner we see what they were running from.

…Oh ok it's a fucking ten-foot long spider with fangs bigger than their entire body. What exactly are healers meant to do against that?

The Triwizard Tournament was once closed down for fatalities.

I can fully understand their sentiment on the spider and wholeheartedly endorse their wait they're gonna run for the cup at this rate

We burst out from our hiding place and unload our gun into the spider's face.

Switch to live rounds and FOR MOTHER RUSSIA!

The three sane people in attendance had the sense to run for cover and then look on in surprise as we unload into the spider. They then continued to watch as we reloaded, fired more, reloaded more, fired more, and then reloaded again.

…I feel like killing this spider is possibly against the rules. Then again, the rules call for a giant likely highly carnivorous spider to be released near some teenagers, so fuck 'em.

Also, bottomless magazine reloading?

I have two that I swap out. The gun fires faster than the recharge rate.

Two live mags, one stun mag.

"Thanks for that." Harry sighs. He then notices the downed Fleur and Krum. "So they were attacked earlier?"

"I saw their markers go red." Hermione nods. "And after a while they stopped moving."

Fleur and Krum face down in the ground, shot right in the face and…yeah.

The above sentence is badly tuned to the whole 'guy and girl sitting in the tree' song.

"Why did they go red?" Cedric muses. "Is someone interfering with the task?"

Yes. "Wouldn't surprise me." I shrug. "This whole thing is screwy. Anyways…" I sigh, then grin. "We're all here now. Fight to the death?"

To no surprise none of the three are too stoked on the idea.

Harry eyes the slightly smoking assault rifle in my hand. "I think I'll pass on that." He says cautiously. "We're all Hogwarts anyway, so let's all take the cup at once."

Figures. Not disappointed, mind you.

Canonically it took the giant fucking spider (or a live maze) to get Harry and Cedric to take the cup together and stop trying to out-humble each other.

Now it's the choice between "we all win together" or "Fight Ash the psychopath" and it's pretty obvious what the right move is.

We all walk up to the cup.

We step onto the ah shit

The stone base and pedestal, which the goblet is mounted on, glows slightly. One confusing whirlwind of color later, we're sent to the Graveyard with the inanimate Goblet and a broken pedestal, along with Ceds, Harry, and Hermy.

Suuuper ah shit.

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