Episode _5

I tried to erase the memory of that incident ever since. But it only deepened the inferiority

complex and exacerbated my fear of talking to girls. The incident kept reminding me that I

was ugly … and worthless, and that I wasn't fit to be loved by any girl.

Though two days later, on the farewell night, I got a picture clicked with her, my first with

a girl, and every time I look at that blurred picture today, I think of her. And the day she

smiled …

And when her friends had laughed at me.

Things changed thereafter. Pretty drastically.

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Present day _

'***That's it? That's your first crush? You never even got to talk to her properly?' I asked.

'Yes,' Joy said as he fished out the photograph from the school farewell album. He looked at it for a while and passed it over to me.

'Oh … this is a terrible photograph.' I said. The photograph had creases and thumb imprints all over it.

'That's because I have thrown and then retrieved it more than once from various

dustbins over a period of time. I was in love with her even after we left school. I tracked

her whereabouts for quite some time. But then, she started seeing someone, and slowly I lost interest,' he said as he looked over my shoulder at the picture.

'… and you look terrible here,' I said. 'You really were ugly, Joy!'

'Thank you for pointing that out. You are such a great friend.'

'She is very cute, though. It's not your fault that you didn't get her.' I turned it around

and read what he had written in his own handwriting.

When I see any couple, I see you and me … us, together until the end,

When I feel the wind on my face, I sense your breath,

When I feel the warmth of the winter sun,

I miss the confinement of your arms,

When I cross a road, I yearn to hold your hand,

When I hear my name, it sounds incomplete when it doesn't have your voice!

You've taken me over totally and I have surrendered myself wilfully to you .....

'It's very nicely written,' I said. 'For an eighteen-year-old.'

'I know. I was nuts. Anyone would be,' he sighed. 'She was very cute. The kind of cute

you would see naked and still not be turned on by it, she was that cute, like a naked teddy

bear***.'

'***Isshh, that's gross! And I don't even know if it's a compliment!' I said.

'What makes you think it's not a compliment!'

'It's not. I will feel insulted if someone sees me … you know … and is not … whatever

… Anyway. Continue.'

Joy smoothed out the picture and put it back in the album, took a deep breath and said,

'I didn't get through any of the engineering exams that year. As if I didn't already feel like I was the dumbest, ugliest bastard, I had to screw up my exams too***.'