Inception (End)

Who am I? Previously: Chris Sasaki; currently: Hikigaya Hachiman. Am I the same person? I guess. Do I look the same? Close, but no. Do I exist? Yes ... At least, I believe I do.

I am not very fond of where this thought process is going to lead me to; it evokes an existential crisis. 'This bastard Hachiman makes me question my own existence—a real person!'

Alright, let me tell you, whatever existence who can read my mind, about why I doubt my own existence, despite having lived as a REAL PERSON who has watched the FICTIONAL CHARACTER in front of me, who is currently possessing my previous body, in an anime.

Anyone with a bright mind will also question themselves with Hachiman's interesting question upon hearing it: "How can I prove that myself is indeed real; not a fictional character?"

Of course, those who are not very interested in philosophy would never do this. They are sure that this is just as dumb as asking oneself of what is the purpose of life.

When Hachiman asked me whether I am sure that I am a real person, I immediately put myself in his shoes, and thought, 'What had Hachiman thought of himself prior to possessing my body?' Of course, he must have believed that he was a real person.

When shit hits the fan, and we somehow swapped body, he must have been so shocked to find that he was a fictional character from a light novel. The same case also happened to me, when I found out that I was reincarnated in a fictional world—I thought it was not real.

Now, here are the questions. Does being Hachiman, a fictional character, makes me, a previously real person, a fictional character? Does living as Chris, a real person, makes Hachiman, a previously fictional character, a real person?

If the answer is yes, that means the current Hikigaya Hachiman whose body is currently possessed by Chris Sasaki is a real person, and so is the current Chris Sasaki whose body is possessed by Hikigaya Hachiman.

If the answer is no, that means the current Chris Sasaki whose body is possessed by Hikigaya Hachiman is a fictional character, which makes the body he left behind that is now possessed by Chris Sasaki remains a fictional character.

While the first answer sounds absurd, it is easier to accept because in the end everything is real, including myself. Although the second answer sounds more makes sense, it is hard to accept; no one, including me, wants to believe that oneself is not real.

So, what's the answer? I don't know. Even without this body swap thing, I cannot prove that myself is indeed real. I may feel that I am a real person, but I maybe am just a fictional character whose behaviour is controlled by a goddamn, lazy ass author somewhere.

Just like Hachiman: he has believed in his whole life that he is a real person—whose decisions are made by himself—only to find that he was nothing more than a fictional character whose everything about himself is predetermined upon moving into another world.

I haven't found myself a fictional character yet, but there is still a possibility that there are some "beings" who know about my life course, and everything that is currently happening to me, just like how I watched Hachiman as a fictional character.

That is the only thing that makes me believe that I am indeed a real person; I haven't seen Chris Sasaki as a fictional character in this world.

Then again, what makes oneself real? A body? A mind? A name? None of that. As stupid as it sounds, the only thing that makes oneself real is one's belief. We believe that we exist, thus we exist.

You may argue that you are alive—you can touch, you can hear, you can see, you can feel, you are REAL—but no one other than yourself can guarantee that you are indeed experiencing it.

"What about the other people? They can attest to what we experienced/have experienced/experience/are experiencing!"

While that statement is true, there is one fundamental thing that we often forget to mind: the existence of the people around us. Can we guarantee that they are not just our mind playing tricks on us?

Since I am talking about the state of "realness," the question allows you to argue that we are indeed real, just like the people around us. We have our mind—consciousness—that can even trick us.

But then again, how can you prove that what our mind makes us believe we experience is something that our mind really does, that it is not intervened by any unknown" beings" or whatsoever?

We can't prove that.

In the very first place, the thing called consciousness—mind—is not something whose existence we can guarantee of. Just like Hachiman, a fictional character who believed himself was real—that he possessed an independent consciousness—prior to being a "real person."

'Fuck! This is why I hate going down the rabbit hole!' This is why I am not that eager to entertain this thought; I will find many reasons to deny my own existence.

"You think a lot."

I raise my head, and meet Hachiman's wondering gaze. "Oh, that's so insightful of you." I applaud to make my amazement more apparent.

"Kuh! This bastard. No need to be so sarcastic."

"Then, why don't you tell me the answer? What are we actually?"

Hachiman stares at me silently with his disgu—unique eyes, while leaning his body forward. "It depends on how you perceive the world, Chris. If you think it's real, it's real. If you think it's not, it's not."

"It's all about belief, huh?" A humorless chuckle escapes from my mouth.

"That's just how this world works: we believe what we perceive. We can be real and fictional at the same time or we never exist in the very first place ... But, we experience it—we are living it. We exist, and we ARE real; none of us is fictional."

"You forgot to add that we live because we—"

"Believe it? Yeah, I know. But then again, if you chose to deny that you exist, it remains a belief. You can't prove anything in the end. Just like you and me ... None of us are the original Hachiman or the original Chris."

"What? Are you going to say we are the same person?"

"No. We originated from the same source of existence; we are a part of something greater whose existence we cannot comprehend yet." As he finds chair-chan is getting boring, Hachiman stands up and approaches me slowly.

"There are many Hachiman and Chris with different names, personality, and appearance in the universe. You can even say there is a planet full of Hachiman and Chris variety. Are they different from us? Yes, but they are still us. So, who is the original one? We can't say."

"What are you trying to say?"

Hachiman stops in front of me, kneels down, and puts his hand on my shoulder. "Soul is a unique thing. Just like plastics, it is recyclable. What happens to you and I is caused by a mishaps in the soul cycle."

"Elaborate." I don't care about how ridiculous the talk has become—my reincarnation is pretty much a ridiculous occurrence anyway.

"I have told you that we originated from a greater existence, right?" I nod. "This 'greater existence' is not realized yet as many of its parts are scattered everywhere around the universe. It is done to make its parts learn, so that it could truly be a greater existence when it united the parts."

"Are you talking about God?"

Hachiman blinks his eyes, and looks at me weirdly. "Aren't you an atheist? Why do you believe that shit?" As I am about to retort, Hachiman immediately adds, "This greater existence is not trying to be a God; it is trying to be one with the universe ... To be eternal."

"Are you—"

"I know it sounds stupid, but hear me out. What people call God is just a figure to be afraid of—it's just a concept. Humans are fragile; they need something to rely themselves on. That's why they worship God, but God can't do any shit. It's all the work of the universe."

I am about to speak again, when Hachiman raises his hand to stop me. "Your birth, your life, your death, and your afterlife is all a natural cycle that happens in the universe."

"Isn't that Pantheism?"

"The only difference is, there is no God in there. It's all the universe doing. And no, universe is not sentient, unlike how people portray God. It just works the way it was created—just like a programme. Don't ask me who created it; I don't know either."

I massage my forehead, and heave a light sigh of exasperation. "Let me get this straight. To know this much about the universe, you must have met the 'one in charge,' haven't you?"

"No, there is no such thing." Hachiman shakes his head. "You will understand why I can know of this thing someday."

"Tsk. What is the fun of being a cryptical bastard?" Weirdly enough, I feel attacked by my own word. "Anyway, what is the relation between the soul cycle and our body swap episode?"

"Every soul—every part of the greater being is connected to each other. When one of them 'dies,' it will exchange place with the other part that also 'dies,' so it can 'learn'—it can experience how it is to 'live' as the other part."

"So, that is soul cycle?"

Hachiman nods his head lightly. "Yes, that is the simple explanation of what soul cycle is. In our case, an anomaly occured in the process of a cycle. I have told you that soul is recyclable, haven't I?"

I don't know where this supernatural talk is going to, but I still nod my head. "In this recycling process, our memory should be sent to the 'greater existence'—our true form—resulting in memory wipeout."

"That didn't happen to us, did that?"

"Yes, it didn't happen to us. The 'greater existence' didn't receive anything from four of its parts; it lost four of the things it should've learnt."

"Wait, four? What do—"

"This anomaly, according to the universe, is something that needs to be 'fixed,' which makes the current you a problem, Chris. You are not supposed to exist in the world you are currently living in; you deviated from the way how the universe deem something should behave ... Just like how your world perceived my existence."

At some point, Hachiman's face is already so close to mine, it just takes him a slight push to kiss me. Being a straight guy, I would have normally slapped him to death for doing this thing, but the way he stares at me steals my attention—not in an erotic way.

"You have to be ready for 'them,' Chris. They will be coming for you. I have finished my battle, and now it's time for yours. Your journey will truly begin the moment you get out of this place."

Bringing his head to my right ear, Hachiman whispers, "Our meeting is just the inception. When you are closing to the conclusion..." He takes his head away, and smiles in defeat. "Make a right choice."

At that moment, I only have one thought: 'Just ... Just what the fuck am I getting myself into?'