Epilogue: In The End, He Becomes A Hypocrite Too

Shizuka stares deeply into my eyes. Her blush are long gone. Suddenly, she turns her head sideways, and dodges my eyes.

Retracting the hand I am grasping, she says, "No. This is not right. I am sorry, Hachiman. I was too caught up in my thought."

Ah, she has just realized what she has done. Did she accept my confession because she was too flustered?

"Shizuka..." She turns hear head to me, still dodging my gaze. "Did you just accept my confession out of bewilderment?" I feel the need to ask it.

I am feeling a weird sensation in my chest right now. I feel like my heart is twisted. This is a very foreign feeling for me, and I'm sure I have never had this in my past life, nor would I have this either.

Maybe it is out of pity, or maybe it is because of my expression, Shizuka quickly explains herself. "No, I didn't! I mean.. I was... Hachiman..." In the end, she can't explain herself.

"I see... You don't need to explain yourself. I know I got rejected." I tried to form a fake smile like usual, but I can't. So, I just turn my body back to face the TV.

"Hachiman.. I... I am sorry."

Shizuka is muttering besides me. I don't know what she is sorry about. I guess she's sorry about our relationship. She must think we'll be awkward with each other right after this.

Well, it's time to assure her. I'm not a sore loser, after all.

"Don't worry. We'll still be able to act normal like we used to. I'll consider nothing happened between us. I'm not someone who will avoid the girl who has rejected me."

At this, I managed to form a smile. I am ridiculing those losers who have to skip school after being rejected by their crush.

Surprisingly though, Shizuka grabs my hand rather fiercely. "Are you just going to treat the thing earlier as nothing?" She looks to me with slightly hurt expression.

Now, she is making me feel guilty. I wonder whether girls are born to be a law school student. They are both good to make someone feel guilty.

"Yes, what else do you want me to do? You have rejected me. It's better to let go of something I can never hold."

Shizuka glares at me. "W-were you joking by then?! Did you lie about your feeling?!"

Ah, I wonder whether she is in her period. Mood swing sucks!

"Lying, huh? I wonder..." I turn my head to face Shizuka. "I have never been an emotional person in my life. I have once developed an emotional attachment, yet I let go of it in the end." Only now can I see Shizuka is tearing up.

"Out of the years I have spent as a human, I have never felt like one more than that moment when I confessed to you. I don't know what's love. I have never experienced once. However, I know what it feels to empathize." I sigh.

"I can kill anyone in a heartbeat because I don't empathize them. However, I can not do the same thing to you. I empathize you." My hand unconsciously moves on its own, and caresses Shizuka's hair. "However, I know I do more than empathize you."

My hand moves to her cheek, and wipes her tears. "I wasn't playing with you when I said I love you. I don't know what is love, but I know my feeling over you is nothing sort of a mere empathy. Therefore, I will call it love." My vision is getting blurry.

"Can I forget what has just happened? Honestly, no. It was the moment where I felt like human the most. I can finally 'feel'. I experienced my first love, and my first heartbreak at the same minute. I... I honestly don't know how to react, Shizuka."

Ah... now I know why I have never noticed whenever I cried. I have always thought crying is nothing more than glands secreting water out of my eyes. Therefore, my mind keeps ignoring it.

Now that I am acknowledging the fact that crying is one of the way to express oneself, I can see tears falling from eyes. Still, I'm confused.

Why am I crying? What is this unreal pain in my chest stimulating my tears?

I don't like it.

Sob.

Shizuka is sobbing rather loudly. I don't even know why this woman is crying. My mind is too focused on figuring out what is happening to me.

"Idiot.. idiot... You, idiot guy. Don't cry, idiot. You are making me feel guilty."

Ah, the hypocrisy. Does she even aware that she was the one who cried first? I bet she doesn't. Still, I can't blame her. I could just choose to not feel guilty. But, I chose to feel guilty anyway.

"Hachiman!" The savage woman, Shizuka, grabs onto my face. Staring at me with her ugly yet funny teary eyes, she says, "I love you too. I love you so much." I'm glad. But, why is she squishing my cheeks?!

"Although I hate to admit it, I am already old." You don't have to curse sideways to show your hate. I know. "Therefore, I can't indulge myself too far into the misplaced feeling I have for you. Our heart is close, but our age is apart."

I really want to laugh at that, but I can't. Shizuka is crying. If I joke about it, she will be hurt. I don't want to hurt her. In the end, I sigh once again. I raise my hand to hold her hand, and caress it tenderly.

"Love is blind. People interpret it as one will be blind — figuratively — once one knows love. However, I interpret it as something different." I tilt my head slightly to the side.

"Blind is the state of not seeing. You can't see people, you can't enjoy the scene, you can't write, and anything that requires you to ultilize your eyes. Love is not seeing. Love is feeling. Therefore, love is blind. Should I be concerned of your age, if what I'm feeling is love?"

I wait for Shizuka's response. She is quiet. But this time, she doesn't dodge my gaze. She is staring me right in the eyes as if she can peer into my soul.

In the end, she sighs. "I don't know... I'm a bad adult for falling in love with a middle schooler."

She lets go of my cheek, then grabs my collar instead. My hand is still grabbing one of her hand to prevent her from chocking me.

Nah, not really. I just can't let go of her hand. I want to properly grasp the hand of the one I love this time, both figuratively and literally.

"Y-you will not regret the decision you made?!" I shake my head. "Do you really love me?!" I nod faintly. "Are you playing with me?!" I shake my head, again. Shizuka sighs, "Huuh... Aren't you pretty genuine for someone so fake?"

As expected of a former loner, she knew all the time I have been acting.

"I don't think I have ever been fake whenever I am with you... Well, at least, for the last 5 months."

"I can see it." Shizuka lets go of my collar. She turns to grasp my hands instead. "I really want to spend my time with you. You are the only man I can enjoy myself with. You are the man who really finds me attractive. But, I can't bring myself to accept you."

"Are you afraid of the impact of the people's reaction on me?"

"Yeah, I don't want people think weird of you." She looks at me in defeat.

I chuckle. It really tickles my sense of humor. "Shizuka, people are the reason why we have middle finger. I don't give a fuck." It's time to seal the deal.

Yes, I kiss her.

"H-hachiman?"

On her cheek.

Again, hold down your horniness, Four Dimensional Beings!

"I love you."

"..."

She stares at me silently, and I return her stare. She takes a deep breath, before exhaling heavily. Then, she pushes me down on the sofa.

Mommy's 'bout to violate me! Help!

Like a savage, she holds my cheeks in place, then kisses me. Surprisingly, the kiss isn't as savage as her action. It is as tender as an elementary kid's kiss.

And no, you don't have to ask me whether I have kissed an elementary school kid or not. I haven't! I just used that as an analogy to show you how innocent her kiss is.

"Uhahhh... I-I love you too." Shizuka gasped when she stopped kissing me. "Did you just hold your breath?" I asked. "Y-yeah..." She answered shyly. "Do I have a bad smell?" I proceed to smell my own breath.

"No, you don't!" Yeah, I don't. "It's just... I h-have never kissed before. S-so, I was nervous." I couldn't help myself from chuckling at that.

"W-what?! Are you mocking me, brat!" She pounds on my chest. But, it is nothing lethal. Well, not so lethal. This gorilla eventually doesn't know how to control her power yet. "No, I am just amused by your innocence." I stop her hand from pounding my chest.

"How about we do it once again? This time, properly." Shizuka looks away, before answering me. "Y-yeah." I turn her head my way, before initiating the kiss.

It is just a normal kiss. A normal kiss without heat, arousal, or libido war. It's just a kiss. Nothing more than that. Despite so, it feels more fulfilling than the kiss I have done in my past life.

Ah, I have fallen.

Today, I experienced love. Today, I became a lover to Shizuka. Today, I became a hypocrite.

But, I feel so right doing this wrong thing.