Chapter 2.1 : Som

The voice of New, my little sister, echoed in my head while I went to withdraw money from ATM. My rough hand skin seized 500-baht bill with my wet eyes. I tried hold it and recalled the first day of work which just passed.

The duties of a part-time worker today was to clean the floor, arrange items on the shelves, carry packs of bottles of water and snacks. The storage was on the second floor. I needed to carry the box back and forth. This is a labor job for sure! I, myself, who thought that I worked real hard to get money for school since I was really young, knew how exhausted of the real work after doing a real job. My legs almost couldn't hold my weight. Luckily, the fruits from P'Bee I had for today's lunch carried my through.

Even though the store manager taught and trained me from time, but working with less time of sitting along 9 hours of work making my body broke into pieces. I was almost dishearten. Just to think of what I would eat and how I could pay the rent, so I kept enduring it. Dying at the store's toilet must be better than the side of the road. I tried to prevent auntie Aoy because of my overdue payment. She was so kind of not holding up and wait for me or knocking at the door to ask for the rent. If I had to clean the toilet or stand all day and I couldn't bear it, just let me die there. At least, I had a hope for no starving. New may had transferred money to me.

I grabbed my bag after a hard work of today with 3 uniform shirts and empty bottle of water and left the store to the mall where it had ATM. When I checked the balance, I almost down the knees after seeing 0.76 baht in my account. I wanted to die really bad. New hadn't transferred money to me. Damn… Or my sister who was a teacher in rural hadn't told her to transfer me the money? I was anxious. The fruits I ate this lunch already digested. Starvation and anxiety were attacking me and I was shaking. I straight to the public phone and called New with my shivering hands. She replied that she just finished the school, hadn't had time to go transferring and told me to wait for another 10 minutes.

And she ended with the sentence I needed to go hide and cry for all those 10 minutes.

//"Because of you! I'm suffered privation even if this is my birthday because I have to give you the f**** money!"//

I totally forgot that it was her birthday. I ruined her birthday; I could feel it from her cold voice even though I didn't see her. I could feel her anger. I didn't even say happy birthday because she hangs up before it was out of balance. I didn't know her birthday plan. What I was sure about is I destroyed her plan causing by the money she gave me from her very little education loan. Her useless sister ruined her birthday, and even exploited her happiness.

//"Isn't staving alone enough, you bit** Nat? You also exploited your little sister to be dragged down with you. If she hated you, that what's you deserve…"//

Another me still cursed me in my mind.

//"A girl like you don't have parent, and also be a parasite to your siblings. How many times that you asked money from your sister—Nam, who has a tiny amount of salary. You see New? She was born after you and she never ask you any single baht. Who the hell are you to keep asking for their helps? Your sisters don't have parent, too. You were born from the same couple. Why don't you have the same trait?"//

"I'm sorry. Sorry for my incapable."

I could feel what was stick in my throat. I barely could hold my tears. Another me kept scolding me more.

//"You are a loser. Others are struggling by themselves. Only you who do nothing. Nothing you are good at. You only wait to get money for the college from your aunt. And so? When she said she couldn't afford your education, you lost right away. Nat, you are selfish. Why don't you die after your mother? Why do you live to trouble other people? Nat, you are a piece of sh**."//

I looked down and walked, crying while scolding myself. I didn't care about people, just walk with no direction. When I recalled my sister's saying, after I wanted to find something good to eat after a long starving, my heart was broken and didn't want to eat anything.

I didn't know how long I cried. I walked along randomly and noticed that I was at the temple at the entrance of the road. I wiped my tears and face. It wasn't dark yet. If I went back to the dorm, I would meet auntie Aoy. She usually stayed late. I lived at this dorm long enough to know that she often went back home after 6 or around 7-ish. I still didn't have any better word to say if I confronted her and if she asked me to move out. Where would I live if so? Therefore, I decided to avoid her for another day by hanging around in the temple.

There were some people in the temple. I saw some of them praying, some making merit. I stepped inside a small pavilion which had no one there, facing the opposite side so people wouldn't see my tears even if they dried already.

I calmed down a bit after taking some rest with guilty feelings towards my sister. Then, I went directly to the temple hallway where there were many of monk's bowl placing next to a donation box. I picked up all the coins in my pocket and bag, then put them into the monk's bowl written 'Saturday' in front of the Saturday buddha's image. I prayed and wished for my sister, telling the buddha that it was my sister's birthday. I wished this merit would go to my sister, not me. I wished her dreams come true and sorry for making her disappointed. I opened my eyes and looked up to the buddha's image. The merit I made must be as short as the ant's tail. At least, it helped me feel better as I accepted my sins. Then, I went back to the pavilion alone again.

I sat still for quite some time that a monk brought me a hand of bananas.

"How are you feeling? You don't look fresh. Take this banana so you can refill your energy."

The monk said to me with no expression on his face but looked kind and he left after saying that.

I was surprised, didn't know how bad did I look so the monk offered me such generousness. I guessed I must look horrible enough to attract him to give me the bananas. Tears started to shed again. My eyes socket was getting warmer because of tears. Even though I got a job but I was nothing better than a homeless. I reached to the banana and ate it at the pavilion.