CHAPTER 28
-I really don't know.
He wasn't such a striking person in his other life, now is where the "author" comes in because shouko doesn't remember anything.
Since he was a child, he had a difficult life, his father abandoned his mother as soon as he found out that she was pregnant, his mother's parents threw her out of the house and there was no one to support her at the time.
She had lost everything in that moment and it was just her and her son.
The mother began to work as a housewife until she was able to give birth, without anyone helping her, she raised her son.
But she had to get money, so all she did was leave her daughter in the care of a friend and she looked for a stable job. Unfortunately, it's hard to find one when you don't have a profession or anything, so she was a maid in a house.
The only ways he could contact his son was through one call a week and 1 visit a month.
The child grew up and turned a blind eye to his mother, he did not know that he also suffered abuse from his friend's family.
Unfortunately, the father of that family was an alcoholic and always hit his mother's friend, every time she demanded money or when the food was not made.
He not only took it out on her, but also on his children and on him, complaining that why am I here wasting space, time and money.
Beating him up and telling him how worthless he is.
He was only a 5-year-old boy, receiving that treatment, he became a very believer in those words, that's why when he received calls from his mother he didn't say anything, because he didn't want to be a nuisance to his mother and that worry no more.
Time passed and one day he woke up at midnight, he had a little blood on his lips, since he had received a blow, but he just forgot it, as a child he had begun to keep quiet about all his problems.
He arrives in the living room and notices something shiny, he grabs it and plays with it, it was a lighter that, unknown to the child, he plays with it without thinking that it could be dangerous.
Unfortunately, something inevitable happens, unexpectedly by accident he manages to set fire to some pieces of paper, but they were next to the wall, which was unfortunately made of wood, as was the whole house.
The child sees fire and does not know what to do, his heart flutters, his child's mind does not work for these occasions, so he just flees the place, manages to leave the house, with great fear.
Time later in a change of scene.
The mother was able to be contacted, it was a call from the police, I told her that the house where her son lived had been burned down and that all the people there except her son, who had left on time, had burned to death.
The mother with that surprise, quickly takes a trip here to meet her son again.
The boy was traumatized without having anything in mind, he had just known the meaning of death and he had killed people either indirectly or on purpose.
The boy never spoke anything and kept quiet all this, pretending that he did not feel anything.
In the end it all came to an end that it was an incident of a gas leak and that the child miraculously came out on time, obviously who would think that everything was caused by a 5-year-old child.
The mother returned with her son, but also her job, so now without help, she had to go find a place to live and a job to support them both.
He got a room but it was shared with another man, this person kindly gave him a space for them to live, but not everything was pink.
The child sometimes woke up due to strange sounds in the middle of the night, they were like screams of pain or moans, as a child he did not know what it was so out of curiosity the first time, he went to investigate, the place of the noises was the of his mother and when he opened the door a little he could see something, it was theman who was on top of his mother while shed a few small tears.
An adult would understand what was happening, it was clear that the man was giving him a place to live in exchange for sex, but in the child's mind he did not understand what was happening, but his mother's tears hurt him a lot, he wanted to do something, but what could he do? to do, I couldn't do anything, I was just a kid, soWithout further ado, he hid again and went back to sleep.
Those noises were repeated many times over time, 3 years had passed, the 8-year-old boy had lived a lot.
While living in this new home, she could see her mother crying all the time, but when she saw him she faked a smile, she could hear her sobbing while she cursed herself, blaming herself, that she wasn't even good at anything. in love.
From there comes one of the reasons why he hates infidelities, every time he hears or sees a betrayal in which his person is unconsciously involved, he will remember the tears and suffering of his mother.
He was in his school days and they weren't as social as let's say and everyone saw him as a weirdo, it didn't help that they weren't that good in classes and the topics were difficult for him.
In that year, the man who gave us the home, threw them out, because another woman had brought her and kicked them out without further ado.
The mother had gotten a job in that time and raised some money.
So he rented a room for him and his son, the boy with the passage of time began to realize that they had happened before.
He found out that his mother sold her body to give him a home, that he had been the reason for an entire family to die and more.
He didn't know how to feel, he didn't know who to trust, not even his own mother.
He had doubts, he thought he had a curse, anyone who is in contact with him, or suffer or attack him.
Time passed and the boy is now 12 years old. He had entered high school, he was a stranger to his classmates and he had reached the time when bullying was strong.
On the good side, it was that when they tried to attack him, he had a high resistance to blows, due to his past, so this helped him to be able to withstand blows and to counterattack strongly.
But just as you see it, he doesn't want to cause problems, he is afraid of causing more problems than what he already brought.
So he doesn't respond if you didn't attack him.
That made some move away from him and also that the thugs in the room, from time to time go to measure themselves with him.
Time continued and the problems did not stop.
Now 14 years old, his mother was diagnosed with a disorder.
Bipolar disorder.
It was very difficult for the boy to go through this, to see how the person you love, from one moment treats you with affection and the next second tries to kill you...
It's something brutal, you don't know what to feel, those constant changes in the house put you on alarm at all times, and over time you decided to remove any feelings you had with your mother, because you didn't even know what you felt now.
His mother was aware of this and did not say anything as she also blamed herself.
Time continues to pass and a year passes.
Those last days were difficult for him.
Since his mother... had died... or well committed suicide.
He had returned from school and when he looked for her, he found her lying on the floor with many pills, she had swallowed many pills to cause her death.
There was no note or anything, it was just that, his body lying on the ground.
He looked at his mother's dead body for a long time, he didn't know what to say or feel, many feelings that even though he hid them welled up in him.
But he couldn't take it anymore and he cried, cried and cried after a long time.
Now he was alone against the world.
He had to survive on his own, luckily, he was able to finish high school due to the support of the mothers in my classroom when they found out what happened.
But when I finished my high school we all separated
He looked for a job and found an amusement park and worked there for 2 years, there they gave him a place to live and he was able to maintain himself for some time.
At that time, the only thing he did was work, eat, but with the salary he saved he was able to treat himself to something, like buying a cell phone, which he used all the time and it was the only thing he did not leave all the time since it was with what the only one who could distract himself from his shitty life.
At that time he also got to know anime and spent almost 2 years watching those, it was the only thing that distracted him apart from the YouTube videos.
But happiness didn't last that long because the pandemic came and the park had to close, so they kicked him out of the place.
The world was in chaos, this global pandemic alarmed everyone and you couldn't leave the place.
He was able to get a room and with the money saved and bonuses he received, he was able to live a good life, so to speak, since he was the only one, his money was enough for 8 months, in a comfortable place, with internet and healthy food.
With that money he decided to study and put his batteries to be someone in life.
With the passage of time at work, he knew that he could not live like this and that all the pain he was suffering inside should stop transmitting it unconsciously.
So he decided to put on a smile, fake, but a smile.
It was prepared for the time of 2 months on the internet and reading a lot.
Then I took the exam for a not so demanding university and I passed, now I was already a university student, but everything was online.
He was able to stay in classes for a few months and now he felt that he would be in for a big change in his life.
Even if his life was not so good, he thought that from now on he could change and get a new life.
But then one of those days he fell asleep... and woke up in Shouko-Komi.
Now back to the conversation with najimi.
-My mind instinctively locks up my feelings without me noticing so that I don't suffer and makes me see as if it's not important.
-And that has made me a not so friendly person to say.
Shouko also as a man, keeps his problems to himself, as men usually do.
-I'm not one to tell anyone about this, sometimes when I think about my past or the things I'm experiencing, I go into a mental collapse.
-It sounds silly, but I try to forget it as if nothing happened and move on with my life.
I think I'm a shitty person myself.
-I practically have everything and everything at my disposal.
Another feeling that also affects shouko, despite loneliness, low self-esteem, coldness and not wanting to live because of her depression, is boredom.
His life here....is too easy, so far, he has the ability to be the strongest human, have a lot of money, has incredible beauty and can become famous with his ideas of his world.
It is as if you download a hacked game and although you know that at first you will have fun, you end up getting bored easily.
Shouko had so idealized what it was like to live a life without problems and with a lot of money that it was that idealization that ended with him.
It's like when you want something a lot, for a long time and then when you get it... you get bored.
Now shouko who is achieving all these things with tremendous ease and short time, feels tremendous boredom.
Right now shouko is suffering from the most dangerous factor in life.
Yourself.
And it's not a saying, it's not to give it a poetic air, it's... Real.
Here is the power of depression, capable of making the main danger that you are going to face throughout your life be your own mind.
From that part that, no matter how annoying and harmful it becomes, you cannot avoid or turn off at will.
That is why it is important to understand what is happening up there, because you cannot ignore it no matter how hard you try, sooner or later you will be left alone with your thoughts and no one around to serve as a distraction, those thoughts that make you feel bad will come back, your mind will attack you and you will not knowdefend yourself.
Because until now, you only learned to hide it.
Now that it is known that shouko has depression, social isolation, complete idealization, suicidal thoughts, and bipolarity in her thoughts, something that also affected her by her mother.
Now he doesn't know what to do, what else he can do, what to become the strongest, he already knows what happens when you get stronger, despite how good freedom is, it's an endless void, everyone, They will look at you with respect and fear as they walk away from you.
And so the same with money and so with fame.
Now with all these problems, it's a miracle that shouko was still sane and didn't hang herself by a noose.
Shouko talked and talked and said everything she felt, all her problems, all her annoyances, her low self-esteem, her fragile weakness and her random feelings.
Shouko had cried for the first time in a long time, she had forgotten the feeling of crying, the feeling of tears falling down her face and feeling really weak for a moment.
It is very ironic to see a person that one looks at him from afar and says, he is a popular person, a powerful person, cold, calculating and with manipulable tendencies.
It is very ironic that under all that facade, it is so fragile that one more movement and whoever ended that person.
Be the same....