23. Another Day, Another Chapter!

[29/2/2024]

Dear Journal San,

Today, it's currently two thirty am right now as I am writing this chapter.

I am fine by the way. I just can't sleep for some reason.

Yesterday, My exams started. The next exam is tomorrow. They are a headache of their own.

But, That's not the point here...

The main reason for writing this chapter was, because....

A friend asked me about something yesterday,

And, I wanted to write down its answer before I forgot the point.

He asked, "You seem to involve yourself with your family matters more often!"

He meant, despite being a student who needs to find a job quickly seems to often make a fuss about his family or something like that.....(he was not rude or something okay? I respect him more than I do any other friends, he's got desire and hard work and shit)

I did some thinking after coming back to my apartment.

By the way, I caught a fever in the evening yesterday, It was cold as fuck. But, It seems fine now, I think?

Some people I know took care of me during that time I guess.

So, I wasn't able to sleep as I was trying to find the answer to the point my friend made.

I wanted to find the reason as to why I was doing what I was doing....

And the answer came out sooner than expected.

IT IS BECAUSE I WANT SOMETHING. IT'S VAGUE, I DON'T KNOW THE EXACT WORD FOR IT, BUT IT'S THERE. SOMETHING WHICH IS CRUCIAL FOR MY IDEAL LIFE. GETTING A JOB IS ONLY A STEP FOR IT, I NEED SOMETHING WITH MY FAMILY PLAYING A MAJOR ROLE IN IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS THAT, BUT I NEED TO BE CLOSE TO MY FAMILY FOR THAT.....

If I have to name it for some to understand, Let's say it like..... TO ATTAIN MY GOAL OF BECOMING AN IDEAL SELF AND HAVE AN IDEAL LIFE, I NEED AN IDEAL FAMILY AS WELL. I NEED TO MAKE MY FAMILY AS CLOSELY HAPPY AS I HAVE THEM IN MY IDEAL WORLD. FOR THAT, I HAVE TO MARK OUT THE POTENTIAL DISCOMFORTS THEY MIGHT FACE IN THE FUTURE AND MAKE A BACKUP PLAN FOR IT AS WELL, BE IT HEALTH, WEALTH, DESIRE, LOVE, CARE, OR ANY OTHER THINGS.....

Or... Something like that I guess!!!

AND IT SEEMS I OFTEN THINK ABOUT THAT, AND SOMEHOW THE OTHERS CAN NOTICE IT.

This can't happen. I should maintain my inner desires inside me so that only I can read them. I should take this into consideration from now on. But, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO STAY HONEST TO YOUR NATURE, IT'S HARD TO COME UP WITH A POKER FACE. THESE TWO TRAITS CONTRADICT EACH OTHER.

I don't know, what others think of me, now that I have decided to not hide my true nature from anyone. This means I have to be HONEST, TWO-FACED, CALM, COLLECTIVE, LESS SPEAKING, CRUEL, DIRECT, and GULLIBLE and SO ON... I can't become too innocent of the world and the cruelty here. But, I can't become too cold to not love my loved ones as well. I can't become too weak to be easily trampled upon. I can't become too sly to lose my innocent side either. I can't become too overconfident to behave like a smartass. I can't become too ignorant to not know how the world works as well.....

That's my ideal self. Of course, one step at a time. I have my whole life ahead. Oh! and if by any chance, I know it's not gonna happen for mostly, but by any chance if I end up dead. I want someone to carry on this journal or something... with becoming their ideal self....or something like that....!(EVEN I DON'T KNOW WHY I WROTE MY WILL HERE.....HAHA)

Yeah! Most of my life now revolves around my sole goal of BECOMING MY IDEAL SELF. It's a vague image of what I currently have of my ideal self. But, it's there. I feel like I know everything about it at the same time nothing about it.

To attain the ideal life I want, I need something....

I don't have the exact knowledge of what I need. But, I have an idea of the list of things I need to obtain....

Ahhhh....I don't know. It's subtle. It's vague. It's only a part of what I desire. It's ideal. And it's definitely not realistic considering the world I live in....

But, It's there.

With the pace, I'm going,

I'LL EITHER BE THE FIRST TO ATTAIN AN IDEAL SELF OF MINE, OR JUST END UP MAKING MYSELF A DELUSIONAL FOOL. So, I NEED TO BE REALISTIC AS WELL....AND HAVE A BACKUP PLAN, IF I'M UNABLE TO ATTAIN MY IDEAL LIFE...OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT IG.

Oh! And by the way,

....

I forgot, what I was going to write just now.

Yeah! I remember now. It's about my depression/procrastination/whatever it's called period....

I believe it's over now. As I'm able to maintain my motivation now to do the basic things and other complicated things...I believe it's over.

It lasted around two months I guess. The two months of not being able to desire anything, not being able to preserve the motivation to do anything. Not being able to study despite having exams around the corner, and the final exams of the last year of your graduation at that...!

It's over now. And I do believe that I have learned some things from this break I took from life itself.

I can't exactly come up with words for that right now, but I sure learned many important things in my life. I believe it was an important period of my life. and I never wish to have it again. Not at the end of some important event in my life.

I don't know, I again finished my thoughts on around six hundred words. Now I don't have anything to say now. It's difficult to write down something, and it always only takes a few seconds to read it and get it over with. It seriously sucks!

Oh! For you who's wondering, it's two-fifty AM now. Means, I took around twenty minutes to write around seven hundred words or something...

(EDIT: I WENT BACK AND WROTE AROUND ANOTHER FIVE HUNDRED WORDS WHILE REREADING THIS CHAPTER....TOOK ANOTHER TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES!)

Can't tend to AI here as well...

As I won't be able to express my emotions through his/her writing style.

Well....

I guess, it's time to end this chapter...

Sigh****

Every beautiful thing has to come to an end....

Well, See Yaa....!

(It took around 45 mins to write this chapter, tehe~)