Depression and Anchors?

Depression.

What a weird concept. If i remember correctly, i did not start to feel it till I found my sense of self. And that was late. Remembering most of my life, it just felt like i was on autopilot. Just doing what they told me to do and just doing what i wanted after. Make sense?

Let me see if i can explain properly. As a child, all you wanted to do was play and eat candy, right? Even in kindergarten or grade school, it was mostly wanting to go meet your friend. Studying was more secondary and we were doing it because the parents and teachers said we must, and that we would become someone great in future. Most of us did not really, truly know what that meant.

Maybe there were a few people out there who actually knew, but to most of us, when we were asked what we wanted to be as children, we only mentioned the profession we saw as cool or what our parents told us to be. Let's be honest, how many of us actually became what we said we wanted to be? Extremely few.

Ok, I'm going a little of topic. Point is, maybe aside that few, we were only moving through until we finally gained awareness of life. I did not gain that till far later in like junior high or maybe even first or probably second year of senior high. To me, it all felt like auto pilot. I never really thought about it because i was being provided for. Because no matter where i went, i could always return to where i was being provided for.

It wasn't until around first or second year of high school did the fog before my eyes clear.

I actually began to think about it; I was going to leave high school soon. What was i going to do for a living? It had already been laid down for me. "You need to study hard to become a doctor.", they said. Why? Why had it been already decided to me. For so long i went with it, but deep down i knew that was not what i wanted, and oddly I unconsciously began to struggle against it.

It was not conscious, that i knew for certain. Like i said, it want until high school did i truly know it. Don't get me wrong, so people do love the idea of having their whole lives planned out fro them. But not most. At least not me.

Then it hit me; So if i was not going to become the doctor they wanted me to become, then what was i going to become? Because from what i had been told, i would have to leave the house one day and be on my own. Provide for my own family and my parents as well. I had not known any other profession aside from a doctor. No joke. I did not even know if there was any other profession aside the "big three". The three professions children always say they want to be when they were asked; A doctor, a lawyer or an engineer. Well, at least where i was from or maybe kids from my childhood. I don't know about now.

What was worse, i was going to break my mother's heart. She had wanted me to be a doctor so bad. That is what they wanted since i was a child that I was named Doctor. No Jokes. Welcome to Ghana. That is my name. Thank God they did not add it to my birth certificate. I met someone in town who actually showed me his ID with the name Doctor as well. It was his middle name. Freaked me out.

Now, because that was all I knew, i had not researched, or been told of any other profession out there. So if i did not know, then what was i going to do? What was i going to be? If i remember, that was when it started. I felt, i don't know, heavy? Sad? Afraid? Like i messed up? Like i let everyone down?

It is difficult to explain. I begun to think i let them down, and it would have been better if there was another child, a brother or sister who would not have disappointed my parents so they would forget about me. Terrifying right?

I kept all this bottled up day after day, getting worse year after year with different terrible thoughts coming in.

It doesn't make sense, i know. I really do, but after a while I couldn't help it at all.

Now, one would ask, why did you not ask around or research other professions or why did you not talk to someone about it? The moment that realization and fear hit me, that was it. I felt nothing was important anymore, and as the years passed, life.

I was scared at that thought. I knew i could not do something like end my life and held on. At least being a christian helped me; They said ending your own life was the worst taboo you could commit. Plus i was the only legitimate child of both parents and i did not want to disappoint them further by taking my own life. I dreaded thinking about what would have happened or what i would have done if there were two or three of us. I think that thought helped the most.

Now, it is my wife and kid. The thought of leaving them prematurely terrifies me. I still think about it, more that necessary, actually. In fact i think about it so much it feels natural now. Which i know shouldn't be, but it has. I remember always telling my wife, "The moment i get to 60, she should take me to the hospital and off me." She gets angry at my dark joke, but only i know i am actually not joking.

But! With all the messed up thoughts, i know things will definitely get better. Who knows, at that time maybe the thought of my grandkids would force me to want to continue staying till i naturally go out. Maybe. I hope.

To those out there like me, you are not alone. I understand. Sometimes you want to talk about it, but you feel who would understand you? Heck, even i don't understand myself, how can someone else understand me? Trust me, i understand what you going through and i hope you find an anchor or anchors to hold on to.

Sometimes, when you finally do find someone to talk to, your insecurities shows up and you feel you are disturbing the person and begin unconsciously pushing the person or people away. Wanting to be alone. Try not to. I am also trying. Though i feel being alone is fun, I have come to understand it is not healthy for us. To those families who have lost family to this, my condolences.

To my family

I am sorry.