4. That's him

(beginning of a dream)

I feel broken. The only feeling I have is one of pain and disgust. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm disgusted with my face and my body. I can't stop the tears. Every part of my body hurts. Ribs, legs, fingers. I know it's all broken. I can't breathe well, I can't get up. I crawled up to the glass coffee table next to me and looked at the alcohol bottle. If only I could get away from here, if only I could forget, be someone else. I won't have to look at his face or remember anything ugly that happened to me. I'll be free. With that thought, I opened the bottle and took one painful swing from it. 

(Dream ends)

The moment when I opened my eyes I was welcome with a headache. Oh my God! How could I do it again? My head is pounding, it's hard to get used to the idea that I'm awake. My next fear, when I managed to open my eyes, is where am I? In panic, I jumped out of bed and looked around. I'm in a very bright room. One entire wall is made of glass and I can see a great view of Miami. I recognize this part of town, and I am grateful that I at least know I'm still in Miami. 

God, I feel like shit. Two years. I've been sober for two years and last night I had to ruin it. Oh my God. I'll never beat it. I will never be strong enough. My mind is going over all the details and I just remembered some small bits. Like how did I ended up here. The bed is huge and it looks all wrinkled. 

What did I do? Was there a guy? Did I spend the night with someone, someone I don't even know? I took a look at myself, and I'm wearing a man's shirt. I feel sick again, I feel scared. How and why did I do that? Maybe I should just look around, find my stuff and get out of here. There is nothing of mine here. No purse, no clothes, nothing... I just want to get out of here. Where are my clothes? What should I do? I feel as if my head is close to exploding. 

The pulsing is becoming stronger and I don't know how much longer I can stand it. In addition to that, nausea. I carry that sense of fear like it's my own skin. Did I really sleep with a guy whom I don't even remember I met? The last thing I know is that I danced with Travis. Travis... But this is not his house. I don't know If he has an apartment. I don't understand. If I slept with another man, where is he? I looked at the small clock and saw that it's only half-past eight. I even have time to go to work. Oh no! Did the video appear on the internet? Or pictures? How did I manage to turn my life into hell? First, I slept with a guy I do not even remember. Second, I gave in to temptation and got drunk after two years. Third, it's possible that by now my pictures are all over the internet. That's it... goodbye life, it was nice to live. 

I threw myself on the bed for a while just watching the ceiling. What should I do? Today I feel worse than usual. I feel as if everything I've worked hard for crashed. My ideal world is falling apart and all I can do is stand by and watch. I am unable to do anything. The tears welled up in my eyes but I wiped them angrily. No! I can't give up. I didn't give up after everything that happened to me and now I want to just throw in the towel because of one slip. This obstacle too shall pass. Everything passes eventually. Sadly I looked at the ceiling, knowing that that is not entirely true. It may have passed but it's never forgotten. 

With a loud exhale I got up from the bed. For a while, I wandered around the apartment looking for the owner or for some clothes. Once I found neither, I decided to call Travis. I would call Gabriela but I know that he would start to yell, or who knows what. I can't deal with him. I came into the living room where I saw a phone which doesn't have a pin and called Travis. I waited but he didn't answer. I called again and no one answered. Uh... I am desperate so... I took a breath and called Gabriel. After a few seconds, he answered with a rough voice.

- Gabriel... It's Desiree... - I'm quiet because of a headache.

- Desiree... This is not your number? What is going on? Why didn't you call me yesterday, I left you a dozen messages. You know, this is really not right from you, I deserve at least one text saying you're okay. I was worrying, and you couldn't even manage a simple text. Fuck, Desiree...  What should I do with you? - I started massaging my head because of his shouting. That's why I didn't want to call him. He's a drama queen.

- Can I count on you to help me or not? - I yelled and he fell silent. He probably noticed my voice and how broken I sounded.

- Are you okay? - I rolled my eyes.

- Of course, I'm not okay. I woke up in a strange bed, in a stranger's apartment, dressed in a man's shirt, and I've probably slept with some guy whom I met last night at the bar where I got drunk to the point where I don't even remember anything. - I said in one breath and then fell on the floor trying not to cry. That's right! This is not the worst thing that happened to me in my life...

- Desiree... Oh, Desiree... What am I going to do with you? Well, let's calm down. Tell me where you are so I can come and get you. - Gabriel is talking quietly with obvious disappointment and sorrow in his voice. He always acts like he's my father or an older brat. He's doing his best to protect me. Maybe my life will be better if I listen to him.

- I don't know where I am... Wait for a second, I'll try to find something. - I started searching through the shelves in the living room and found a couple of letters that had an adress on them so I dictated it to Gabriel.

- I know where it is. I'll be right there. - I stopped him before he hung up.

- Gabriel! Get me some clothes. I can't find anything here. - I heard a sigh, and I felt worse than before. I always need someone to save me. I feel like a damsel in distress...

- Fine. I'll be right there. - I hung up and quickly went to the bathroom. After I threw up, I felt better so I went into the living room to wait for Gabriel. Strange, I could so easily freak out right now but somehow I'm okayish. I can't remember anything from last night. Some pictures are running in my mind, but I'm not sure if that really happened. I've been looking through the huge living room, but I haven't found anything about the owner. Even the letters that I found didn't have a name. Just last name. Moore. I have to admit that it sounds familiar but I'm not sure from where. The apartment has no pictures, papers, or anything about the owner. As if he just moved here. Besides the paid invoice for the rent, I found nothing. Who can live like this? This place has no soul. No pleasant or welcoming feeling. It's all clean and plain. I heard the phone ringing and when I recognized Gabriel's number I answered. Another strange thing here is this phone. There is nothing on it, and it looks cheap, like a burner phone or something similar. 

- Desiree. Which apartment is it? - 

- 435. -

- Okay. I'm there in a second. - I hung up and after a while, I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door and let the groaning Gabriel come in. We entered together into the living room and Gabriel just gave me two bags of clothes. I looked at him with a smile waiting for him to start yelling. But he didn't start. He just sat down on a couch and watched me. I looked skeptically at him.

- Are you not going to say anything? - This isn't common for him, it feels strange. Gabriel just shrugged and made a sad face.

- I have nothing to say. I'm not your father, not your brother, I'm not even your boyfriend. I told you what I think but you keep refusing to listen to me. I have nothing to say, Desiree. I think you're old enough to realize what you're doing to yourself. - I looked at him in amazement not believing my ears. Gabriel never talked to me like that. He yelled, criticized me, pout but not this. He never acted like he didn't care. 

Something in my heart started to ache and I looked at Gabriel, who sat motionlessly. I just nodded and went to the bathroom. I can't believe it. What made him behave like this? Maybe it's the video? I bit my lip, terrified of that thought. It must be it. Surely he's disgusted. I swallowed the lump in my throat and refused to think. I can't think now. I'll go to work. I pulled the underwear out of the bag and put it on and then the black dress. To someone, it would be strange that Gabriel bought me clothes but we are used to it. He saw me at my worst so I have no shame in front of him. I exhaled as I remembered his cold tone and then put on some sneakers and walked out of the bathroom. I left the shirt I had on on the shelf not knowing what to do with it. It only served to remind me of my mistake. How could I let myself sleep with a stranger, I never do that. Even worse I don't even know what he looks like, I only have faint images in my head. I need my best friend. I can't stand the thought that he's mad at me. With hesitation in my step, I got next to Gabriel and hugged him. For a second he stiffened but pretty soon returned the hug and even kissed the side of my head.

- I know you're disgusted. - I said quietly, but Gabriel heard me. He grabbed my head and held me so that I'm looking into his face.

- Don't you ever say that. I could never.- Then why is he behaving so coldly towards me?

- Why are you angry then? Did I disappoint you? - I asked fighting back tears. Today, the whole world turned against me. 

- Of course not, honey. I feel sorry that you succumbed after years of hard work. I also hate to see you like this and I don't want you to go back to old habits. I'm worried. I'm a bit mad at myself that I wasn't there for you. - Gabriel said quietly and I teared up from his words. I must admit my heart feels lighter now that I know he's not acctually angry. I need him right now, more than he realizes. 

- Gabriel... It's not your fault. I wanted to get away, and I wasn't strong enough. There is nothing you could have done. It's all on me. You couldn't have stopped me, even if you knew. – I said honestly not looking at Gabriel's eyes. I heard a loud sigh.

- It doesn't matter. It's in the past. Now we just have to make sure that doesn't happen again.-

- It won't... Yesterday I just succumbed to temptation. I promise you that I won't do it again. - I sincerely regret my actions. I looked at Gabriel who just nodded and together we entered the elevator. After that, Gabriel drove me home and we parted ways. I found my broken phone and put the card in another cell. As soon as I turned on the phone I was greeted with over a hundred missed calls and fifty messages. I sighed when I saw that there were no other calls from Alexander. At least he left me alone. I quickly showered and brushed my teeth and then went to work. I went to the back door to avoid the crowd. My mind is getting back on that video and I am so scared that it is out there in the open. But I must be strong. I did nothing wrong, I will get over it. Somehow, I don't know how but it will pass. I can live through it. Nervously, I went to the top floor and walked towards Zachary's office. Before I knocked at the door Christine stopped me.

- Zachary's at the meeting. Better hurry because you're supposed to be there. - I smiled at Christine and rushed towards the conference room. Now Zachary will definitely fire me. If he didn't do it already. Especially if the video came out. Anxiously, I came to the room and knocked on the door, and then went inside. As soon as I opened the door I caught sight of a young man with longish dark brown hair and blue eyes. In a second, the image started to show in my head and I just observed him with wide-open eyes. That's him! This is the guy with whom I slept with. I noticed that somebody's talking, so I looked away from this young man.

- I apologize for Ms. Diamond. She wasn't informed about the meeting. I must admit that even I was surprised when you asked for a meeting today. - Said Zachary to, I guess the new guy. Nervously, I started biting my lip, and then I looked back at the young man who was carefully watching me with a half-smile. He has a scar on his left cheek that makes him somehow even sexier. He caught me looking and just smiled even wider. I started to blush and just put my head down. I heard him chuckle before he began to speak.

- Yeah... I wanted to get this over with. I'm a busy man. And now,I guess I have to introduce myself again. I'm Damien Moore, a new partner of your company. I'm from France, as well as my family. This project should be led by my father but because of unfortunate circumstances, I am forced to participate.- He said it all with a French accent, quickly standing up from his chair and walking over to me. The meeting room is full of people who are in lead positions in the company and for a moment I feared what would he'll say. What if he mentions what happened last night? I don't remember what we did but I know I was with him last night. I remember when he carried me in his arms, and when I rolled with him on his bed when he started to take off my shirt... Oh God... I looked up and met his eyes. His eyes are the most complicated color I've ever seen. I found myself getting lost in them again and I started biting my lip. His gaze dropped to my lips and then he licked his lips and quickly winked at me so that others couldn't see.

- Ah, you must be Miss Diamond. I must admit that I had never heard of you. I will also admit that I searched your name and found out a lot. You have quite a reputation so to say. Anyway, it is my pleasure to officially meet Desiree Diamond, I feel like we know each other already. - He offered me his hand and we shook for a second before he took his place next to Zachary. 

- Mr. King... Shall we continue our tour? - He asked Zachary who just nodded. They continued out of the meeting room but not before Zachary stopped to whisper in my ear.

- I took care of everything, don't worry. No one will ever publish it, I promise. - With these words, he left me completely confused. After I became conscious, I went to my office and sat in my chair, just to get a hold of my thoughts. Zachary solved my problem. That's the last thing I expected from him. I'm good at doing my job and I believe I'm useful to him but... I'm not irreplaceable. Everyone is replaceable. I sighed, feeling like everything had returned to its place. I won't drink, Alexander didn't come home, the video didn't come out... Everything is great except for the fact that I slept with a stranger and that stranger is now my boss. I still don't know for sure that I slept with him but everything points to it. Some pictures in my mind are quite disturbing. It doesn't matter. It seems like he won't mention it so we can just forget everything. I also don't remember much so I don't even need to forget, lucky me. I chuckled at that and went to work. After a while, I heard the door open and close, and I thought that it is Zachary so I didn't look up.

- I guess your mother didn't teach you how to knock! - I said with a sweet tone but with a clear bitterness.

- My mother died giving birth to me, so... I guess not. She didn't teach me to knock. - I quickly looked up realizing that it is not Zachary. Damien is leaning against the door smirking. I don't know why but I feel shy in his presence. That's probably because he was the first man I slept with after a while. I don't know how I should behave after something like that. When I was younger, sex was an act of love for me. The act in which two lovers become one. Later I realized that love is nonsense and also sex. Sex is not an act of love, only lust. I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I didn't dare to look into his mesmerizing eyes so I just lowered my head.

- Am... mr. Moore, why are you here? - I didn't mean to sound rude but it came out like that as soon as the words left my mouth.

- Mmmmm... I thought you wanted to talk about last night's acquaintanceship sweetheart. Don't worry, I didn't forget. You were really... Am... How should I say? Let's say you made an impression. - He winked at me and I frowned. I turned pale from his words. What does that mean? Does that mean that we had sex?

- I... I... I wanted to ask... Did we? You know... Had sex? - I asked him embarrassed and afraid, not looking him in the eyes and he just started to laugh out loud.

- Oh Honey, believe me when we have sex... You'll remember every second of it, I promise. - He said with a teasing voice and I blushed at his words. Sex has always been a shy subject for me. 

-I... I want to ask you something if you don't mind? - I said now with more confidence in my voice. Enough of this shy girl act. He won't see my weaknesses.

- Sure, honey... - Again I blushed from his words, but I continued to act as if nothing happened.

- What exactly happened last night? You say we didn't have sex but some quite disturbing images are circling my mind ... – I said in a monotonous voice but my heart is beating faster than ever. What did I do last night?

- Absolutely nothing love! You walked into my business meeting, began to vomit on me and on yourself. It was quite charming just to add. Then I didn't know what to do with you, so I brought you home. As soon as I picked you up in my arms you fell asleep. I woke you up at my house to get changed but you were pretty wild. You started to run away from me, then I warned you that if you do not change your clothes alone I'm going to do it and you told me to serve myself and I did. But don't worry. In the end, you did everything yourself and just fell asleep like a baby. That's all, I swear. Whatever I may be, I wouldn't use a drunk and unconscious woman. Not my style, I like them responsive.- He winked at me again and I sighed with relief. Nothing happened. I couldn't help but smile widely only to notice Damien watching me curiously. 

- What is it, Dear? Would it be the worst thing if you had slept with me? - He asked with humor in his voice while crossing his hands. I chuckled at that.

- Yes! I don't sleep with strangers.-

- Mmm... Right, dear. I'm glad we cleared that misunderstanding. Also, we are not strangers anymore. - He smiled and started to leave the office when I stopped him.

- Mr. Moore! Can you please stop with the nicknames? - I asked nicely but with a serious tone. I acted like a schoolgirl in front of this guy but it needs to stop. I also feel quite uncomfortable with his flirty persona and with the nicknames.

- Of course kitty... See you soon. - I was about to protest but he had already left. Uh... I have the impression that Damien will show me a whole new type of hell. And I don't like it. I absolutely, utterly detest it...