Callous in Blunderland

Sumas didn't just have a habit of not sleeping because of an overwhelmed and traumatized mind being hypervigilant. As the mind tries to process and organize its information during the night through REM sleep the normal process of dreaming turns into an onslaught of nightmare fuel. They weren't just avoiding sleep because sleep made them vulnerable, they were avoiding it because sleep itself was traumatic. And trauma so protracted and intense making the natural process of dealing with it likewise traumatic fostered avoidant behavioral patterns. It's not as if Sumas was in any sort of position to sort their mind out anyway. They were still on the run.

Being with Suraci again was oddly comforting and relaxing, which were new and somewhat terrifying feelings to Sumas who had never felt so out of control with their actions before. They had now just slept with a man they barely knew twice, a man who was not only dangerous because of who he worked for, but even more so because of how he made Sumas feel.

It came as no surprise that the nightmares that often plagued them revisited them in their sleep. They could feel the danger closing in on them. Those familiar restraints holding them tightly. They started to panic and struggle.

Noticing Sumas's irregular breathing Suraci suspected they were having a night terror. The Reticular Activation System prevents movement during REM sleep. However, sometimes parts of the brain "wake up" while this is still active. When this happens it gives the feeling of being paralyzed. Knowing this Suraci attempted to wake Sumas up. "Sumas, you're having a nightmare, wake up." He said calmly a few times until Sumas awoke with a start.

Familiarizing themself with their surroundings upon waking up they quickly realized they were in Suraci's arms. The sense of panic still in them they eased out of his embrace and sat up at the edge of the bed.

Suraci, noticing their lack of even so much as a 'good morning' to him and their eager escape from his arms, started to feel a little worried. Were they regretting last night? Was everything moving too fast for them? "Hey are you ok?" He blurted out.

"Yeah I'm fine." Sumas replied without any emotion. It was a fairly protracted experience that they had had with learning not to tell others about their trauma. No matter who it was, unless they had experienced trauma themselves, everyone would always react one of three ways. The first was shock and horror. Sumas could never forget the ashen look on people's faces. The trauma was horrible enough to live, but the oppressive feeling of having to keep it a secret because the mere retelling of it would traumatize those within earshot was its own burden. Sometimes Sumas was implicated just by association or proximity to an uncomfortable feeling. Someone would feel terrible upon hearing about Sumas's past and associate Sumas with that feeling. Once traumatized by Sumas's retelling of the past, the relationship would uravel as people started to see them as damaged or associate them with the negative feelings stirred up by the horrors of knowing the trauma. Inevitably people would treat them differently, either with the caution of a wild animal or the aversion to something unpleasant. The second way people would react was with platitudes. Platitudes that if they weren't carefully heeded would quickly turn to blame. They were always neatly wrapped in the attitude of 'useful advice' but were, at best, dismissive and at worst a passive aggressive que to 'quit whining'. Clichets like "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" or it's kissing cousin "the first time you're a victim and after that you're a volunteer" the occasional comment about them needing to be more positive, the blame assigning to a presumed negative attitude that actually didn't exist, it all clearly demonstrated how nobody really gave a shit, nobody wanted to actually listen or do anything to change the environment that fostered and enabled Sumas's abuse as long as it didn't directly negatively impact them. If ever a story might prick someone's conscience that person would always find a reason to make Sumas the evil villain in a story composed and written for the sake of that person not feeling the guilt. The third way people would respond was with pity and a burdensome sense of responsibility. And whatever pathological sympathy might sprout pity, it was never borne out of equanimity, because you can't pity someone without looking down on them. Likewise people now feeling like they needed to make Sumas their pet project and 'help' them had no real bearings on how to be helpful and either treated Sumas like a thin piece of glass (easy to break and sharp enough to cut deep) or an active tornado (which just needed to be avoided until it blew over). People's ineffectiveness at helping was always used to judge Sumas and often pronounced the end of the relationship as Sumas was determined to be more trouble than they were worth. This was how people, who don't like inconvenient burdens, would both blame and then reject Sumas thus shedding the burden while absolving their consciences.

Being traumatized is one thing, but then being blamed and rejected for and otherwise treated poorly because of made the trauma all the worse. So Sumas had learned to just not talk about it, and when people asked to just lie. Suraci had at least a vague idea of what happened at the test facility. That didn't need any elucidation. Furthermore right now Sumas was really enjoying Suraci and they didn't want that to end so swiftly like every other fleeting positive thing.

Suraci knew he was being lied to, but instead of thinking about why, his insecurity overtook his good sense and he said. "I respect you not wanting to talk about something that's troubling you, but if that something is me I want you to tell me so we can work it out."

'That was a cute gesture' Sumas thought as they turned towards them, but knew better than to believe anything that came out of the mouth of another human. Because he looked so delicious with the sheets hanging off him, because they really didn't want to have 'that' conversation with him, and because they needed to shake off the nightmare they just had, and because they knew it would at least temporarily settle his insecurity, they crawled to him and started kissing his chest, gently dragging their teeth across their collarbone.

Easily distracted by his newfound libido issued a playful warning. "Don't tempt me unless you want to take everything I can give."

Sumas stopped kissing him and looked at him mischievously. "What have you got to give?"

Without another word Suraci pulled Sumas's arm out from under them causing them to fall into him. He quickly found their lips and thrust his tongue inside their mouth while his hands meandered over their curves caressing and groping. Eventually his fingers found Sumas's most sensitive spot and worked their way inside. Sumas moaned, but he would not release them from this kiss. Could he get them to cum just from his fingers?

Not wanting to be completely at his mercy nor played with at his whim, and finding his forceful bravado suddenly offputting, Sumas pushed away and rolled off of him with their back facing him. Suraci became very nervous, worried he'd done something wrong. He didn't know what to say or how to react. As he lay there in thought Sumas said "I'm going to take a shower. I have a lot to get done today and I'm already running behind."

"I'm sorry. I was too forceful with the kiss." Suraci said worried.

Realistically there was no way Suraci could have known that the empassioned way he had just kissed them was how Hyde used to, not letting them turn away. But Sumas's feelings being reminded of that went off like a thousand bells in their head. It was overwhelming, dissonant and obfuscating of anything else that might be heard, like reason. Hearing him apologize didn't actually help either. The fact that he was already trying to think of and consider their trauma in the aftermath meant he was trending towards treating them delicately which was a sign the third of the three patterns had already taken hold. Feeling animosity at how quickly that had taken root despite efforts to the contrary brought out something mean in Sumas. "I don't have the time right now for an extended discussion about your insecurity related to my trauma. I wanted to start, but I lost interest. I just assumed you'd be as good as you were last night, but that's unreasonable considering you can't actually read my mind and we are bound to like different things since we're different people. It wasn't my intention to rouse you and then leave you hanging, but you broke the pleasure enough for my better sense to wake up and realize I can't play around in bed like a teenager when I have important shit to do. Honestly, it's for the best."

Suraci had never felt so crushed. Last night had made him too confident. He should have known better.

As he was inwardly kicking himself Sumas noticed his expression and felt their empathy come back. "I'm just saying no, not never. Why don't you join me in the shower? No more talking about this though this morning, because I still need to get ready."

Feeling like he'd just been awarded a consolation prize, Suraci felt the need to respectfully decline. Likewise, he didn't want to stare at their gorgeous body in the shower knowing he couldn't do anything other than stand there in silence. "It's ok. It's probably just best if I take a cold one after you're done."

Sumas felt secretly enraged. They were trying to extend an olive branch and he just threw it in the wood chipper. "Suit yourself." They said as they left the bed and walked in to the shower room.

Suraci again had the feeling he made the wrong choice yet again. Wanting to correct his error he got up and followed them.

This third pattern was playing out too quickly with him. He was already scrambling, second guessing himself, trying to not break the fragile human. Sumas felt so unbelievably frustrated. They didn't want to drag this out any more, but they also knew any action would be misinterpreted. They decided they'd find a way to lose him later. They didn't have the energy to play this out again like it had repeated itself with every friendship before. It was sort of like an infection that needed to be cleaned out, the earlier the better.

Suraci tried to think of how he'd done things differently last night. He entered the shower and tried to be composed, but watching them washing their body just drew attention to all the things he liked. His anatomy responded in kind.

Sumas noticed after they finished washing their hair. They had mixed feelings about this. They still felt pretty uncomfortable over what was transpiring with their relationship, but also like they'd become hopelessly addicted to him... maybe if they restored some of his confidence they could get him to stop walking on eggshells and reverse this pattern. It was probably a hopelessly naive idea, but he was still cute when he was being exasperating. Moving closer to him they started to stroke his erection.

This felt good, but Suraci had lost his confidence. Now like a fumbling virgin he didn't know what to do. The awkwardness was palpable.

Sumas, sensing his feelings, felt lost. 'Was this how it was going to be now, him too afraid to make a move? This conversation was going to be unavoidable, wasn't it? Best to rip the bandaid off then. No, not before work.' They stopped, left the shower and started getting ready without a word.

Suraci stood there for a moment stunned. He had failed again. He'd never been more disappointed in himself. Almost 7 PhDs and he couldn't figure out the most basic human interaction. What's more, Suraci wasn't used to failure so he handled it poorly, but before he could sulk Sumas, unable to resist the compulsion of their empathy, said "You ok in there? You seem kind of out of it."

Now Suraci was torn. He could either lie or bring up a conversation that Sumas had specifically asked him not to. He decided to compromise and say "I'll be fine. Is there anything you need me to do while you're wrapping things up?"

"Idk. I'll have someone get in touch with you if I do. If you urgently need me here's my contact." They handed him a device like his badge. "It won't work outside the embassy. Message me if you need anything." And with that they left for their first meeting of the day.