Taking Back Control

Relief. That is the only thing I felt as I walked out of that office. It was two days later and I was still on the same high. I feel as though I am invincible and walking on clouds. For once, I was taking direct action, aside from therapy, to take back control over my life. So, once my therapist said I should continue that control by letting go of some of the anger I am holding against them and myself, I seized the opportunity. I went to the nearest store, bought a large tarp and a few glass products, and drove myself to an abandoned parking lot. It used to be for a mall that was never able to recoup after the hurricane hit and took half of the building with it, but now it will be a place to get rid of pent-up emotions.

I didn't tell anyone what I was doing, not because I didn't want them to know, but because I wanted to let everything go and act crazy without having to worry about anyone else. I already texted the boys that I would be home later and that I was fine so with that out of the way, I had a free couple of hours.

Parking my car a decent ways away from where I was setting up, I grab the tarp first and bring it over to the spot I deemed was large enough to comfortably move around and not be hit by shooting glass. After that is all set up and held down by pieces of concrete I was able to drag over from the parking spots near it, I go back to the car and grab all the breakables I bought. I set them up on one side of the tarp a couple of feet away so I can throw them and not worry about breaking the other things.

Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I take the speaker out of the car and hook up Bluetooth. Music blasts around the parking lot and makes all of my thoughts fade away. This is the time to feel everything being lifted off of my shoulders, not thinking about it.

With everything set up, the last thing I need to do is put on the safety glasses so no shards get in my eyes. Finally, all setup, I grab a medium-sized vase. I throw it onto the tarp with a loud scream. The sound of it shattering is faintly heard over the music and a feeling of extreme satisfaction overcomes me. Laughter falls from my lips and I twirl around in my spot, reveling in the feeling.

If anyone were to look at me now, they would think I was insane and needed to be seen by a medical professional immediately. But, I couldn't care less. This was my time and no one was going to take it away from me.

The next thing I grab is a plate, it has slight ridges on the top and is an overall turquoise color. It is actually pretty nice, especially for the price I bought it at. Instead of throwing this one, I stand in the middle of the tarp, careful of any pieces of the vase, and raise the plate above my head. Breathing out, I let out another scream and slam it straight down. The clay breaks easily apart, bouncing from the impact.

I could feel anger slowly melting away with each breakable being added to the tarp. It's this intense feeling that is really indescribable. It's as if those breakables are the emotions you are trying to lessen or get rid of. Really, I think it comes from the control over breaking the plates. I am physically breaking them. It's not someone else telling me to do it or instructions directing me on how to break them. I choose which order to break them in and how I want to break them.

After spending another twenty minutes breaking another vase, a few cups, and a bowl or two, I was ready to pick up the tarp and head back. This was the tricky part. I have to sweep all the glass to the end of the tarp and carefully sweep it into a trash bag that was doubled so nothing could poke through.

With everything said and done, it looks like nothing took place in the now-empty parking lot. But, I will always remember the first time I was able to come here and sort out my feelings and let some of them go.

Pulling out of the parking lot, a smile makes its way onto my face. This is something I am going to definitely do either every other week or monthly. It is therapeutic on top of being satisfying.

Driving in the parking lot of my job, I know I have the day off, but I have enough adrenaline to get through one manuscript, maybe even two or three before the day is over. Passing each person, I give them a high five and an enthusiastic "hello." They all look at me strangely, but pick up on my energy and match it. I love the people I work with, they really are the best.

Stopping on the floor Amelia works on, I look in her office to see if she is working. I am pleasantly surprised when she is. I thought we only worked the same shifts, but who cares. She is here today and I can finally rival her energy that she has been trying to spread to me for the last few months.

"Hey, girl. You seem happy. What happened to you? Wait, I know. Did you and Damon finally get it on?"

My head jerks back at her random comment. What the hell is she talking about?

"Uh… no. We didn't 'get it on.'"

"Oh," her mood deflates a bit. "What made you so happy then?"

"I just did the best thing ever! I literally feel high on adrenaline. Come on, dance with me!"

We twirl around in the small space of her office, laughing like maniacs. She may not be getting a lot of work done, but who cares? There is always tomorrow!

We collapse in the chairs, completely out of breath, small laughs still leaving our lips.

"You have never been this fun. Are you high? Wait, you had a drink and didn't bring me one!" She points accusingly at me, her other hand flying to her chest over her heart.

"No and no. I have to drive. I told you, I did the best thing ever today. So, you know I talked with the lawyer the other day and I am going to therapy. Well, I was telling my therapist how good I felt after being able to talk to the lawyer and tell my story, so she recommended I continue taking control and start letting go of some feelings.

"She told me that another one of her patients gets a couple of items and goes to abandoned parking lots or parking garages and breaks the items. So, of course, I tried it out today, and, Amelia, I cannot tell you how good I feel. Holy shit.

"It is like this weight being lifted off of my shoulders every time something would break into a million little pieces. I- I cannot even tell you how good it felt. You should totally do it with me next time. I dance around, scream a bit, and just break things. It is so therapeutic!"

I can tell she is intrigued because her body is leaning towards mine and her eyes are sparkling with interest.

"That sounds amazing. When are you going to do it again?"

"Probably two weeks. Seriously, you have to come with me. We can get you your own tarp or use mine and just have fun. You work and I am sure that is stressful, you can let it all go. You can imagine the breakables being the department's budget or something."

"You know what? We should have a bunch of people come. You can bring the boys and I can bring Duke. It can be a group thing and everyone can bring their own stuff! We all haven't done anything together in a while and this will be a great opportunity for us to let it all go and catch up!"

"Yes. Yes. Yes! That is a great idea. Okay, I will tell the boys and you tell Duke. How about two weeks from today? We can all do it once a month or something. It really wasn't expensive at all."

"Great! When do you want to buy everything?"

"We can go earlier that day. It was kinda spontaneous which made it better, I think."

"Okay, two weeks from today. Text me the details."

"Okay, I will do that. For now, I am going to read some manuscripts that will hopefully calm me down. I can't go home like this, I will never be able to sleep tonight."

"Good for you, girl. I think you should do this every day if I get to see this side of you."

"Hey!" Laughing, I walk out of her office. One thought in my mind: this is the beginning of something great.