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Everyday Power ⋅ Inspirational Quotes ⋅ The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse Quotes From the Bestselling Book
The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse Quotes From the Bestselling Book
Stephanie Kirby, Content Writer
By Stephanie Kirby, Content Writer
Content Writer & Marketing Founder
February 28, 2023 2:45 AM EST
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These The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse quotes will leave you with valuable life lessons.
Written in 2019 by the talented British illustrator, artist, and author Charlie Mackesy, the book was an instant success and has been a #1 New York Times bestseller.
This book provides valuable life lessons for all ages as the cast of characters will inspire you and may change how you think.
The Boy, Mole, Fox, and Horse all have different personalities, but they are forced to work together and become closer to each other through their shared adventures.
If you haven't read the book yet, these The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse quotes will have you wanting the read the book as soon as you finish the quotes.
Inspirational The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse quotes
According to the publisher, HarperCollins, the book has been translated into over 45 languages and has sold over 3 million copies worldwide.
This highlights the book's universal appeal and ability to resonate with people worldwide.
We all need a little inspiration from time to time, and you can find some in the quotes below.
1. "I'm enough as I am." — Boy
2. "Love doesn't need you to be extraordinary." — Mole
3. "Sometimes I think you believe in me more than I do." — Boy
4. "Doing nothing with friends is never doing nothing, is it?" — Boy
5. "When the dark clouds come… keep going." — Charlie Mackesy
6. "Imagine how we would be if we were less afraid."
. "When things are difficult remember who you are." — Charlie Mackesy
8. "Don't measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated." — Horse
9. "One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things." — Charlie Mackesy
10. "'The love inside you,' said the boy 'is as big as the universe.'" — Charlie Mackesy
11. "'The greatest illusion,' said the mole, 'is that life should be perfect.'" — Mole
12. "'Asking for help isn't giving up,' said the horse. 'It's refusing to give up.'" — Horse
13. "'Nothing beats kindness,' said the horse. 'It sits quietly beyond all things.'" — Horse
14. "Don't measure how valuable you are by the way you are treated." — Charlie Mackesy
15. "'What do you want to be when you grow up?' 'Kind", said the boy." — Charlie Mackesy
16. "We often wait for kindness…but being kind to yourself can start now." — Charlie Mackesy
17. "When the big things feel out of control, focus on what you love right under your nose."
18. "Isn't it odd. We can only see our outsides, but nearly everything happens on the inside" — Charlie Mackesy
19. "This is easily my favourite place' said the mole. 'Why?' asked the boy. 'Because you are all here." — Charlie Mackesy
20. "Always remember you matter, you're important and you are loved, and you bring to this world things no one else can."
Snails have been known to sleep up to three years if the weather isn't moist enough to meet their needs. Honeybees flap their wings 230 times every second. At birth, a panda cub is smaller than a mouse and weighs only four ounces. Horses and cows can sleep standing up, but they can only dream when lying down.
While four babies are born on Earth every second, it's estimated that around two people pass away at the same time. That means that 105 people die each minute, 6,316 people die each hour, 151,600 people die each day, and 55.3 million people die each year. Sorry, folks
Over a billion years ago, a day on Earth lasted around 18 hours. Our days are longer now because the moon's gravity is causing Earth's spin to slow down. In Earth's earlier days, the moon wasn't as far away, which caused Earth to spin much faster than it currently does. Longer days also mean shorter years—
I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room."
My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society."
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to 'fall asleep right now.'
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over."
I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: 'How to Build a Boat
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police."
Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.
My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush."
I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back
"I'm not insane. My mother had me tested."
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy."
I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy."
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
There's nothing simpler than avoiding people you don't like. Avoiding one's friends, that's the real test."
The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize
I'm at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out."
Here's all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid
When I'm in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don't have to shake hands.
As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
Here's some advice: At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne
There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don't really remember yesterday all that well
"I don't have to take this abuse from you; I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me."
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.
I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops
Why can't you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?"
What they could do to make it easier is combine the two, real estate and obituaries: Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three-bedroom apartment with a wood-burning fireplace
The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school
People say, 'But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.' Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board
My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time."
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." — Joan Rivers
"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair." — Dorothy Parker
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." — Jack Handey
"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." — Mitch Hedberg
"Never follow anyone else's path. Unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path." — Ellen DeGeneres
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx
"I like freedom. I wake up in the morning and say, 'I don't know, should I have a popsicle or a donut?' You know, who knows?" — Oscar Nunez
"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: 'How to Build a Boat.'" — Steven Wright
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it." — Anonymous
"If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." — Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" — Robin Williams
"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize." — Claire Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain." — Graham Norton
"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." — Sir Norman Wisdom
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." — George Burns
"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." — Albert Einstein
"People say, 'But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.' Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board." — Betty White
"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer." — Ellen DeGeneres
"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne." — Tina Fey, Bossypants
Here's some advice: At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician." — Adam Gropman
"Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished." — Leslie Nielsen
"No man goes before his time — unless his boss leaves early." — Groucho Marx
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day." — Robert Frost
"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it." — Bill Gates
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." — Les Dawson
Bob: "Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately."
Peter: "I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob."
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
"I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one." — Clarence Darrow
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." — Oscar Wilde
"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays." — Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either." — James Johnson
"Every Friday, I like to high five myself for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, willpower, and inappropriate humor." —Nanea Hoffman
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111 Funny quotes that will bring some humor to your day
Add a dash of comedy to your day with this collection of funny quotes for every part of your life, and free customizable templates to make your own quote designs.
Adobe Express
01/08/2023
Summary/Overview
19 Funny quotes about life
12 Funny work quotes
15 Funny motivational quotes
11 Funny family quotes
19 Funny quotes about love and marriage
8 Funny quotes from movies and television
27 Funny holiday quotes
Free Adobe Express templates with funny quote posters
Free Adobe Express templates with funny quotes for social media
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Whether you're stuck at work, waiting for your train, or just scrolling down your feed, you may need a little extra enjoyment to make your day feel brighter. This collection of fun and funny quotes will hopefully bring a smile to your face, and can be used for a variety of crafts, like cards, posters, and signs, or for social media captions and graphics. Sit back, relax, and bring a bit of comedy into your life with these 111 lines of reflection, humor, and lived experience.
19 Funny quotes about life
When life give you lemons… you know the rest. Take yourself a little less seriously with these funny quotes about life.
"You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police." — Joan Rivers
"Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair." — Dorothy Parker
"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes." — Jack Handey
"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later." — Mitch Hedberg
"Never follow anyone else's path. Unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path." — Ellen DeGeneres
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." — Groucho Marx
"I like freedom. I wake up in the morning and say, 'I don't know, should I have a popsicle or a donut?' You know, who knows?" — Oscar Nunez
"Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: 'How to Build a Boat.'" — Steven Wright
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it." — Anonymous
"If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer." — Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" — Robin Williams
"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize." — Claire Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
"A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain." — Graham Norton
"As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two." — Sir Norman Wisdom
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." — George Burns
"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." — Albert Einstein
"People say, 'But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.' Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board." — Betty White
"Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer." — Ellen DeGeneres
"My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne." — Tina Fey, Bossypants
12 Funny work quotes
Five days of your week are spent under someone else's roof, so use up some of that time with these fun quotes about being a working stiff.
"Here's some advice: At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician." — Adam Gropman
"Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished." — Leslie Nielsen
"No man goes before his time — unless his boss leaves early." — Groucho Marx
"By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day." — Robert Frost
"I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it." — Bill Gates
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own." — Les Dawson
Bob: "Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately."
Peter: "I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob."
—Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
"I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one." — Clarence Darrow
"The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one." — Oscar Wilde
"Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays." — Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn't want me here either." — James Johnson
"Every Friday, I like to high five myself for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, willpower, and inappropriate humor." —Nanea Hoffman
15 Funny motivational quotes
Don't go the usual route to achieving your dreams; read through these funny motivational quotes and have them inspire you instead!
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well." — Mark Twain
"Today's goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees, and then kindness." — Nanea Hoffman
"Trying is the first step toward failure." — Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." — Winnie the Pooh
"Dear optimist, pessimist, and realist—while you guys were busy arguing about the glass of wine, I drank it! Sincerely, the opportunist!"
— Lori Greiner
"Be the person that when your feet touch the floor in the morning the devil says, "Awe sh*t, they're up". — Dwayne Johnson
"My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time." — Maria Bamford
"I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up." — Benjamin Franklin
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." — Mark Twain
"There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it."
― Mindy Kaling
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." — Steve Martin
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort." — Zach Galifianakis
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already." — Dave Barry
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." — Oscar Wilde
"I have the same goal I've had ever since I was a girl. I want to rule the world." — Madonna
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." — George Burns
"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway." — Erma Bombeck
"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops." — Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant), Arsenic and Old Lace
"Spend some time this weekend on home improvement; improve your attitude toward your family." — Bo Bennett
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." — Phyllis Diller
"If people are upset because you've forgotten something, console them by letting them know you didn't forget—you just weren't remembering." — Winnie the Pooh
"I'd like to have a kid, but I'm not sure I'm ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are." — Damien Fahey
"I'm sure wherever my Dad is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending." — Jack Whitehall
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom." — Bob Hope
"From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge." — Jarod Kintz
"Good parenting means investing in your child's future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday." —Lin-Manuel Miranda
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
"If love is the answer, then could you rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin
"You know you are in love when the two of you can go grocery shopping together." — Woody Harrelson
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love" — Albert Einstein
"If I get married, I want to be very married." — Audrey Hepburn
"Some people care too much. I think it's called love." — Winnie the Pooh
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Marois
"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." — Winston Churchill
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." — Oprah Winfrey
"I never feel more alone than when I'm trying to put sunscreen on my back." — Jimmy Kimmel
"Never marry a man you wouldn't want to be divorced from." — Nora Ephron
"Love is being stupid together." — Paul Valery
"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." — Charles M. Schulz
"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." — Dr. Suess
"We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness--and call it love--true love." — Robert Fulghum
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling
"When you trip over love, it is easy to get up. But when you fall in love, it is impossible to stand again." — Albert Einstein
"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look." — Halley Reed (Mia Farrow), Crimes and Misdemeanors
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy." — Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club
"I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet." — Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Sex and the City
"My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana." — Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the war room." — President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
"I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception." — Groucho Marx
"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat. So people who don't know what they're doing, or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self." — Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), You've Got Mail
Police officer: "Pull over."
Harry: "No, it's a cardigan. But thanks for noticing." — Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber
"I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don't really remember yesterday all that well." — Dory (Ellen DeGeneres), Finding Dory
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve." — David Letterman
"Halloween was confusing. All my life, my parents said, 'Never take candy from strangers.' And then they dressed me up and said, 'Go beg for it.'" — Rita Rudner
"If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween." — Douglas Coupland
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." — Winston Spear
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." — Phyllis Diller
"The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes." — Julius Sharpe
"You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights." — Maya Angelou
"Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help." — Andy Borowitz
"I hate the radio this time of year because they play 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' like, every other song. And that's just not enough." — Bridger Winegar
"I thought it would funny to stuff my kids' Christmas stocking with actual stockings. I've never heard crying like that." — Conan O'Brien
"Santa Claus had the right idea. Visit people only once a year." — Victor Borge
"My husband's idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge." — Melanie White
"Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." — Dave Barry
"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." – Kin Hubbard
"Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard." — Andy Borowitz
"There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." — Bob Phillips
"Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up." — Wendy Cope
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." — Shirley Temple Black
"Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they're worth the price of a stamp." — Melanie White
"The thing about Valentine's Day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of." — Faye Morgan
"Never sign a Valentine with your own name." — Charles Dickens
"Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone." — Lewis Black
"You're never alone on Valentine's Day if you're near a lake and have bread." — Mike Primavera
"Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." — Jimmy Fallon
"Remember, your Valentine's card shows you care enough to send the very best, even though you're too lazy to put it in your own words." — Melanie White
"I wanted to make it really special on Valentine's Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV." — Tracy Smith
"Without Valentine's Day, February would be… well, January." — Jim Gaffigan
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RD.COM Arts & Entertainment Quotes
100 Funniest Quotes from the Past 100 Years
Lucie TurkelLucie Turkel
Updated: Apr. 07, 2023
Your complete guide to funny quotes, clever jokes, and witty comebacks for every occasion.
Reader's Digest 100 Years logo over a black background with doodles and "haha" creating a patternRD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
Funny quotes for everybody
Whether you're looking for funny quotes to make a point, enliven a presentation, give a toast, or just for your own amusement, you've come to the right place. Reader's Digest has been collecting funny quotes since our first issue in 1922, and in honor of the magazine's 100th anniversary, we've pulled together some all-time classics. Looking for even more quotes? Check out our lists of uplifting quotes, family quotes, and life is short quotes. You might also enjoy our new compendium of the best jokes ever. Have fun—and you can quote us!
Aldo Cammarota 100 Funniest QuotesRD.COM, GETTY IMAGES
Funny quotes about marriage
1. "My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." —Socrates
2. "If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife's birthday, just try forgetting it once." —Aldo Cammarota
3. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." —Will Ferrell
4. "Never criticize your spouse's faults; if it weren't for them, your mate might have found someone better than you." —Jay Trachman
5. "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." —Phyllis Diller
6. "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house." —Rod Stewart
7. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." —Jim Carrey
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas." —Paula Poundstone
9. "A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." —Dave Barry
10. "Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into a home." —Dennis Miller
11. "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." —Rodney Dangerfield
12. "If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them." —Reese Witherspoon
13. "When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway."—Erma Bombeck
14. "Kids are expensive, I didn't even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life."—Kate Davis
15. "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." —Phyllis Diller
16. "It seems I have spent a lifetime of mouthing mechanically, 'Say thank you. Sit up straight. Use your napkin. Close your mouth when you chew. Don't lean back in your chair.' Just when I finally got my husband squared away, the kids came along." —Erma Bombeck
17. "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family." —Jerry Seinfeld
18. "There are two classes of travel—first class and with children."—Robert Benchley
19. "Happiness is having a large, caring, close-knit family in another city." —George Burns
20. "When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you." —Nora Ephron
21. "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." —Robert Benchley
22. "If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one." —Andrew A. Rooney
23. "If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them." —Phil Pastoret
24. "The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." —Doug Larson
25. "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." —Jeff Valdez
26. "In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him." —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
27. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." —Anonymous
28. "Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families." —Anonymous
29. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." —Rita Mae Brown
30. "The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." —Mark Twain
31. "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."—Oscar Wilde
32. "The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people." —G.K. Chesterton
33. "If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten." —George Carlin
34. "If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to." —Dorothy Parker
35. "Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most." —Addison H. Hallock
36. "Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper." —Quentin Crisp
37. "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."—Joan Rivers
38. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." —Samuel L. Jackson
39. "Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors." —Tom Snyder
40. "Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." —Robert Benchley
41. "I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours." —Jerome K. Jerome
42. "Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished." —Leslie Nielsen
43. "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" —Edgar Bergen
44. "Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." —Mark Twain
45. "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." —Steve Martin, in the film Sgt. Bilko.
46. "A college education is one of the few things a person is willing to pay for and not get." —William Lowe Bryan
47. "In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." —Fran Lebowitz
48. "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country." —Kurt Vonnegut
49. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age."—Lucille Ball
50. "You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse." —Billy Arthur
51. "By the time you're 80 years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it." —George Burns
52. "You can't believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it." —Anonymous
53. "A gossip is a person who creates the smoke in which other people assume there's fire." —Dan Bennett
54. "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." —Oscar Wilde
55. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague." —Judith Martin
56. "It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem." —Malcolm Forbes
57. "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most do." —Dale Carnegie
58. "People can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys." —Mike Bechtle
59. "Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!" —Charlie Brown
60. "Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it." —Dearborn Independent
61. "If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?" —John Cleese
62. "Never eat more than you can lift." —Miss Piggy
63. "When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'"—Yogi Berra
64. "Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." —Dave Barry
65. "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." —W.C. Fields
66. "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." —Ernest Hemingway
67. "All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening." —Alexander Woollcott
68. "Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Fox
69. "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
70. "It is useless to try to hold a person to anything he says while he's madly in love, drunk, or running for office." —B. Birdsong
71. "The only time some fellows are ever seen with their wives is after they've been indicted." —Kin Hubbard
72. "If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it." —Stephen Colbert
73. "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it." —W.C. Fields
74. "It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." —Gore Vidal
75. "Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent." —Steve Martin
76. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." —Anonymous
77. "Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping." —Bo Derek
78. "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." —Rita Mae Brown
79. "A bore is the kind of man who, when you ask him how he is, he tells you." —Channing Pollock
80. "She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation." —Jean Webster
81. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." —Abraham Lincoln
82. "By the time someone says, 'To make a long story short,' it's too late." —Don Herold
83. "There but for the grace of God, goes God." —Anonymous, commenting on the film director Orson Welles
84. "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." —Henry Clapp
85. "The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people." —Lucille S. Harper
86. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do." —Isaac Asimov
87. "An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'" —Anonymous
88. "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." —George Will
89. "The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." —James Branch Cabell
90. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb…and I also know that I'm not blonde." —Dolly Parton
91. "We use 10% of our brains. Imagine how much we could accomplish if we used the other 60%." —Ellen DeGeneres
92. "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." —Billy Connolly
93. "When it doubt, look intelligent." —Garrison Keillor
94. "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." —Albert Einstein
95. "Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that." —George Carlin
96. "User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'" —Dave Barry
97. "If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?" —Will Rogers
98. "According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." —Jerry Seinfeld
99. "I don't believe in reincarnation, and I didn't believe in it when I was a hamster." —Shane Richie
100. "Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise they won't come to yours." —Yogi Berra