Dark

<!>

Document after document, everyday its the same thing. Get up, eat, train, repeat.

Its actually quite mind numbing. Just like highschool.

Pfft.

Yeah, being a member of a brutal galactic dictatorship is just like highschool isnt it.

I open my door to yet another snowstorm and engage my thermal generators in my armor.

I continue my day as normal, its getting pretty depressing because I fell as if im training hard but my stats refuse to heighten, maybe those trials are really the only fast way.

Wait, I forgor about the dimensional trials. Im so stupid. Those should be significantly easier as I can use a preset character thats way more powerful than me.

[Opening Dimensional trials]

[Loading...]

[New trials available!]

Available dimension scenarios]

[DARK SOULS 3. Difficulty: OMEGALOL]

[SESAME STREET. Difficulty: Heh]

[DAUNTLESS. Difficulty: IMPOSSIBLE]

[ELDEN RING. Difficulty. EXTREME]

Why is sesame street even an option.

Ooo Elden Ring?@?@

[ELDEN RING]

Easy: Play as Godfrey, first Elden lord!

Reward: No. ]

[Medium: Play as Tree sentinel!

Reward: Uncommon skill. ]

[Hard: Play as Gideon!

Reward: Rare skill. ]

[NO: Play as yourself!

Reward: YOU WILL DIE! ]

Bruh. All these seem way too hard, even Godfrey stood no chance against the player and in turn means he stood no chance against elden beast. This is a scam.

[Opening DARK SOULS 3]

Easy: Play as Nameless king

Reward: No. ]

[Medium: Play as Gundyr!

Reward: Uncommon skill. ]

[Hard: Play as unkindled ash!

Reward: Rare skill. ]

[NO: Play as yourself!

Reward: YOU WILL DIE! ]

Ah. Much better, I think I am capable of getting pretty far as myself in this world but Gundyr is 100% the safe choice, and plus I need to figure out how these things work while still getting something out of it.

[Broken Champion Gundyr chosen!]

Wait, I didn't think about which version of Gundyr.

FUCK

LET ME GO BACK!

[Loading..]

I feel my body pass out onto the mess hall floors.

[Time in main world has been stopped.]

[3 Lives left]

[Loading quest....]

Heh?

I open my eyes and unfortunately cant move my body at all.

[Quest!]

[Make it to Boreal valley Vordt and defeat him.]

[Reward: Uncommon skill for [Main Character]]

[Good luck!]

I look around and see a bright sun shining down on the small arena im in.

A coiled sword nails me to the ground, the dark sign looms ominously in the crimson sky.

Fuck.

Im the shitty beaten up version of Gundyr, and Im stuck on this damn sword. Do I seriously have to wait for the main character to undo it?

[2 hours later]

FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!

[3 hours later]

I hear a whooshing in the distance, finally that fucker is here.

A purple hand pries out of the fog gate.

Its hairy purple leg marches through.

There it is in all its glory, the main character of Dark souls 3, just as I excepted in normal souls fashion his face is completely mangled and distorted beyond belief. His cheeks stretch out in unimaginable lengths, aswell as his gigantic nose protruding and covering its entire face.

It is in a loin cloth and wields a big club.

I really dont want that disgusting fucking creature to touch me but I have no choice.

It runs up to me and grips the coiled sword.

It pulls it out of me and i can feel my motor control returning. The ashen one goes for some cheeky hits just like in the game but myself being a darksouls gamer I know this beginners tactic.

I dodge backwards to the surprise of the purple monkey.

His health bar shows up on my screen.

[THE SHIT SNIFFER 100/100]

It all makes sense now to be honest, he is just another degenerate like me, personally I made a character in dark souls 3 named Domestic Abuser who exclusively used fists so I cant be shamed.

The sniffer rushes me but I wield my halberd and swipe it out, lord it feels good to have 2 arms again.

He attempts to dodge the attack but I feint it and grab him. I throw him across the arena, his brutish body slams against the ground.

[HP 74/100]

He uses the roar ability on his club anf rushes at me with a newfound speed and grace (for a naked man named shit sniffer) I rush ahead aswell and use my reach to hit him with the head of my axe, he dodges but I follow up with a delayed thrust and this hits him.

[HP 45/100]

The sniffer reaches for thin air and a golden flask appears in his hand.

No estus for you FUCKER!

I rush him as he is about to chug his sunny D, I punch him across the head and slam him with my halberd, he tries to dodge my follow up thrust but I feint it and instead kick him. He falls to the ground and turns to ash.

[The shit sniffer has been defeated!]

That was easy.

I turn my way towards the entrance to the firelink shrine courtyard and make my way through the dilapidated gateway.

[Somewhere on earth.]

A grotesque man sits in his chair and complains on reddit about how Gundyr is too hard.

[Ahem.]

I make my way up to firelink, killing the hollows on the way, they pretty much stood their and let me bisect them so thats that.

I enter the main shrine and a small violin track starts playing.

The only clear sound is the clanging of a hammer on steel.

I walk down the stairway and sheath my weapon on my back.

"Oh, champion of ash welcome."

A soothing voice calls out to me from across the center of the shrine.

I follow the voice and soon aproach a woman with long ashy blonde hair, she wears all grey including a dress and corset, even the patch covering her eyes.

"Oh, champion. It seems you have arrived at long last to rekindle the flame."

She smiles as she speaks, a faint feeling of hope seems to generate when I listen.

"It seems."

I reply. Damn Gundyrs voice is deep. And I knew the firekeeper was an otherworldly beauty but seeing her in person is making me have goosebumps, it doesn't matter anyway as this is all fake, so im not going to dwell on some blind supermodel.

"Place the coiled sword into the kiln, then your journey shall continue, Andre will assist in thy forging if needed."

She politely guides her hand to the kiln, pointing at it. She brings her hands back and clasps them in her normal stance.

"Thank you."

A simple reply, I just want to get this trial over with.

"Oh, I forgot, Oh champion may I see thy face? I must clasp it if thee wants to obtain the power of the souls thine acquired."

I take my helmet off, the face of Gundyr was hidden in the game so I could look like a goblin, but I dont care.

I kneel so she can clasp me. Her warm hands envelop my face and a fog takes my vision.

Ah, the classic Dark souls 3 level up screen.

I have enough souls for 3 stat points. I put them all in strength because that is what Gundyrs axe mostly scales with.

My character displays on the right. Im actually surprised by Gundyrs face. Its a young looking guy with a decent jawline and light stubble, he has short skewed black hair. He's a solid [7/10]

Not as good as Solaire of course.

I mentally click the done button and the firekeeper gently takes her hands off me, I turn around and place my helmet back on.

"Return safely champion."

I aproach the kiln and jam the coiled sword into it, fog instantly overtakes my vision

Oh boy, here we go.