Chapter:Ambivalence

"To love is to think.

And I almost forget to feel only

from thinking about her.

I don't know what I want at all,

even from her, and I don't think

about anything but her.

I have a great animated

distraction.

When I want to meet her,

I almost feel like not meeting her,

So I don't have to leave her

afterwards.

And I prefer thinking about her,

because it's like I'm afraid of her.

I don't know what I want at all,

and I don't want to know what I

want. All I want to do is think

about her.

I'm asking nothing of nobody, not

even her, except to think."

-----------Alberto Caeiro.

****************

E.H.

Twelve years back.

It had been months now since Blue left.

I had got more edgy with too much stress straining me to my limits.

Any good news?Naah....

Bad news?Yep,I couldn't just condone Elena anymore.She knew about my reluctance and a bit of my history still she was obstinate.She believed in a fairytale. Thus she had been clinging to me like kid.Many times had I tried to convince her that I would never be good enough for her but no use.

The consequences that time had been severe and complicated, when Elena and I married each other.

Yes,we are married. Shocking?Yep,it had been shocking for me too.....

Yet we are officially pronounced husband and wife.Elena being a widow when I married her off with her twins-David and Angela.My angels.Only for them I withheld myself but the moment my angels swung over to Blue's embrace,my inner shrill of revolt broke free. They love Blue more than their own biological mother.Don't get me wrong but I was glad.To be precise, relieved.

David and Angie even though not my blood but they were my kids.The moment they stammered the word Dad....they were mine.

So this time,during Blue's absence made me discern one thing-me and my kids won't persist without her.Hence I let go of all my reservations not that I had any to begin with...I was stubborn and an womanizer that way.

I even halted her university registration cancellation procedure. It's just that I pulled a few strings and they had to comply by for they couldn't afford to offend their important sponsors or board members.

Ahhh....,I know it seems too foolish to expect Blue to be back but.....

Well,after an extensive week with scheduled meetings and conferences abroad,I was beyond weary.Even then I spared my time to play and help the kids off in their alphabets lesson and in the end after dinner I tucked them in their bed as Blue had taught me once.Later,I simply rushed out of my penthouse. This place seemed to imprison me.

And well,now was I back at our hideout.The cemetery.

Blue often visited this place.Creepy and spooky a bit.But I still remember her words crystal clear, "This may be the land of dead but this is one of those places where we don't have to pretend. Here we could be us.Other than the deceased or spirits,if they really exist doesn't give a shit of our masks or pretense.Its peaceful and haunting in a way.Resonating yes but piercing enough to reflect unto ourselves. Atleast here the departed souls mostly don't lie or deceive you. You are just a being here amongst others,the only difference is you being alive and they aren't....."

Sitting here makes me feel so close to Blue.The remnants of her perfume with the undercurrents of dew and spices still lingers here.The playlists from her smartphone persists along with the rustling sound from her books. Ahh.....,I dearly miss her.

And I am gonna bring her back.

"Wait for me,Blue.I am coming for you. ",was all I whispered to the void.

But before that,I had a treasure of past to enclose and resolve.