18th March 2021

#Journal's Entry: First day at college

Today was my first day at college. But it didn't feel like one. It felt like any other day. A day of anxiety, stress and fear.

I woke up to a loud alarm, a cold shower, a bland breakfast. I put on some clothes, grabbed my backpack, and headed out the door. I didn't say goodbye to my parents. They didn't say goodbye to me. They didn't even notice I was leaving.

I took the bus to the campus, feeling nervous and lost. I didn't know anyone there. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do. I felt like an outsider. A stranger. An intruder.

I tried to act like it didn't bother me. I tried to smile and pretend everything was fine. I tried to find my classes and follow the schedule. I tried to listen to the lectures and take notes. But it was all hard. It was all confusing. It was all overwhelming.

I spent the rest of the day wandering around, looking for a place to sit, a place to eat, a place to belong. But I couldn't find one. Everywhere I went, I saw groups of people, laughing, talking, having fun. And I felt so alone. So left out. So unwanted.

I wished someone would talk to me, befriend me, invite me, help me, make me feel welcome, make me feel part of something. But no one did. No one does.

I don't know how to cope with this stress and anxiety. I don't have a healthy way of dealing with it. I usually bottle up my emotions, isolate myself, and avoid confronting my problems. I sometimes resort to self-harm, binge eating, or substance abuse. I don't seek professional help or support from others. I don't believe anyone can help me or understand me. I feel hopeless and helpless. I suffer in silence.

The only thing that was different today was that when I was waiting for the bus to go home, I saw a car pull over near the bus stop. It was a black SUV with tinted windows and a fancy license plate. The driver rolled down the window and looked at me. He was a handsome guy with dark hair and blue eyes. He had a piercing gaze that made me feel nervous and curious at the same time. He didn't say anything, he just stared at me for what felt like five minutes. Then he rolled up the window and drove away.

I don't know who he was or why he did that. Maybe he was just bored or playing a prank or looking for trouble. Maybe he mistook me for someone else or wanted to scare me or flirt with me. Maybe he was just curious or interested or attracted to me.

But I doubt it.

I doubt he will ever see me again.