I don't know?

It's been seventeen years I've lived on this planet roaming and walking around hoping to enjoy something in life. Nowadays it's kind of boring but let me give you my story from the beginning.

Nothing more than a tiny man living life. Hardly remember anything till I was five years old. But those memories weren't too nice either. I wish I was in a abusive family or successful one. Not this weird mess.

My parents fought at night and tried to quarrel with their soft voices while little old five year old me was on the bed trying to slap and ignoring the sound of slaps being exchanged. It business as usual for me and on cue I will wake up go for my kindergarten class where I had a small getaway from scolding and enjoyed living.

My elder brother and elder sister was there too and they knew the quarrels happening. They were older than me by ten years at the very least. Which shocked me when I look back since when I was 15, I already tried to jump into other people business just to stop a quarrel even though they were older than me. But these people had no balls to do so. Selfish and lacking in the responsibility department.

My older brother took priority in his PS2 more than me or anything while my sister always went out to meet friends till late night where she tries to sneak in to her room and easily pass through since my parents were too busy.

While five year old me was young and inexperienced, he remembered plenty of the situations happened at home. My family finding my father under the toilet sink drinking away even though our family is very against alcohol. Everyone rush to the toilet and saw him just crying as he took swigs of what I know now is whiskey.

I remembered my brother always ignoring the situation around him and my sister was never there. I was alone since young. I had one birthday party and that was when I was six.

At six, I was no different from little five year old me. Had the greatest memory about the time when I drank way too much milo and kept vomiting even when we were heading to the clinic. My mum placed me in the kitchen sink just to puke my stomach out for hours and three days was what it took for me to finally stop puking. Of course that experience didn't stop me drinking milo, just the other month I got the same thing but this time orange juice.

At six, I had my first birthday party. Even though it wasn't really my birthday, it was a birthday party for me. It was just me, and my family as a whole. The final time I will see them as a whole. The last time I will be seeing my family. To be fair, they were never much to me either ways.

Two months before December, the month of my birth. I was brought to this lovely building which had what I remembered as granite floors and walls with a white ceiling. I was seated right outside huge wooden doors and had my siblings next to me as we sat on a bench together. Everytime I look back at that memory, I felt so stupid. The naivety of me. I know I'm only six but please if only I grew up faster. If only I had my 14 year old mind. I could've created a scheme to at the very least avoid this. Could've have a functional family again with just a couple of words. But that didn't happen. My father got custody of my siblings while I was with my mother.

Maybe that's why I'm always trying to mend other people's relationship and trying to clear up their misconception. Ever so desperately wanting them to never experience what I've had. Even if the scale is smaller, a single domino is flicked it's enough to bring down everything.

Now at seven, I still live in the same house but this time without the electric bills paid. We only had the cold water running and for a seven year old, that water was bone chilling. I'm thankful that the education system in my country subsidies the school fees and for financially difficult families free. My primary school even had a breakfast programme where they gave coupons to those financially troubled students to get food to start their day. I was grateful for that.

Seven was a blissed moment in time where my naivety was somewhat present but at the same time, I felt like an ugly duckling sticking out like sore thumb amongst all. How everyone had no worries and just lived??? That was bewildering to me. Slowly I find myself in the library more often. Cooped up and reading cool science magazines and facts about animals or the earth.

I wish to continue on when I feel like I have the motivation, so this will be part one. Thank you for reading.