87 So Long Halo

It is a rare room where I sit and have the least manly voice, but at a peace summit with Lord Hood and the Arbiter, Ron Pearlman and Keith David, I might just have to take the L with quiet dignity.

"Your plasma cannon nearly destabilized the planetary core." Lord Hood stated in a tone that would be furious if not for the fact that my cannon was still pointed at Earth.

"I probably should have tested a weapon that fused cutting edge science with the power of a primordial god before firing it at an enemy on an allied world, but it my defense it was both fucking rad and Truth deserved it." I placated the man, honestly sorry about letting my love of Heavy Metal and plasma cannons nearly destroy the Earth.

It was the kind of dick move a comic book villain pulls.

"I am more interested in his claims of undertaking the Great Journey over a near miss with destroying this planet." Arbiter spoke, "The level of success you have achieved so swiftly… It would make a lot of people feel better about themselves to find a divine origin to it."

"God forbid some Elites have their feelings hurt. That is so much more important than the human home world nearly being destroyed." Lord Hood snapped.

"I am glad you see it that way too." Arbiter nodded graciously to the man.

It took every ounce of the man's dignitas to keep Lord Hood from blowing steam out of his ears in red hot rage.

"Oh yeah." I chuckled, "The wife and I have been on the Great Journey for 15 years. Coming here and consuming Grax is just another leg of the real Great Journey, not the shit the Prophets sold you."

"How is it that you have come here and done these things?" the Elite questioned, "Are you the only one capable of it?"

"No, there have been several known historical accounts of members of my species embarking on the Great Journey, and many more of those who lethally failed to do so. The Great Journey is one of incredible personal risk, only one man was recorded to have ever returned from it, and his account was even shorter than my own journey has been. He ruled as a God-King on my home world for a thousand years before he became so arrogant he attempted to fornicate with Kalros, a beast with the power to destroy entire cities with its body. Needless to say he came out the lesser of their deadly confrontation."

"Fascinating." Arbiter intoned, "How is it that the Great Journey is embarked on?"

"You need to drink the perfect amount of powerful alcohol." I told him, "Then fuck a woman just right, and when you finish these things the universe can't handle it and will either cause you to spontaneously combust, explode, die of an aneurism or heart attack, or any number of terrible things, but maybe just maybe, it will seek to expel you into another universe."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Lord Hood demanded, "You can't believe this crock of shit!"

"Though it sounds incredulous… in my youth I had a cousin, Thel 'Lottin. He was a shameful creature, and lived his life in hedonism. One day I was informed of his death. After a night of drinking and whoring, 'Lottin spontaneously exploded. His death baffled the investigators, and his funeral was a quiet and private affair. His parents killed themselves in shame for begetting him. To think he was closer to the Great Journey than any of us." The Arbiter nodded his head at the end of his story.

"Sometimes people die in inexplicable ways." Lord Hood face palmed, "It doesn't mean they were close to the start of some multiverse spanning journey."

"Sometimes it means they embarked on a multiverse spanning journey and have left their body behind for it." I countered with that common fanfiction trope.

"I can't believe I need to make peace with you people." Lord Hood sighed.

I kinda expected Arbiter to channel his inner angry black man and shout, 'What do you mean by 'You people'', but that never came.

Shame that. I love that joke.

"Yeah, well. I almost blew up your planet and gave you the keys to the multiverse as an apology, so my conscience is clear." I told the man who looked like he was on the brink of a epileptic fit.

"I feel that you are walking away with quite the steal." Arbiter told the man, "My people have lived and died for generations in search of this truth and you get it just because of one accidental plasma cannon discharge. Ten generations of my family turn in their graves envious of your good fortune."

"Oh, and once Linda gets back from whatever bullshit Halsey has pulled on Onyx, I am taking her and Kat with me to the next leg of our journey." I informed the man in charge of the UNSC.

"Those lucky women." The Arbiter complained, "They get to the express pass to the Great Journey while the rest of us are going to have to experiment with liquor and sex just to get the opportunity for a roll of the Great Journey dice. If I spontaneously die I will be very cross with them."

"Sure, just take a pair of our most valuable agents!" Lord Hood scoffed, "Take their gear too!"

"I am so glad you are cool with this Hood." I nodded, "I know how much Linda's armor cost to make."

I snuck out of that negotiation before Hood.exe managed to reboot.

We picked Linda up after she returned from Slipspace in February and were ready to leave Halo behind. Between Jarvis and Timit, the X-Force was in good hands and ready to kick the shit out of the Didact and the Banished and whatever other foes that would be invented to threaten the galaxy so the Master Chief has a reason to get out of bed every morning.

We'd be taking my heavily upgraded race car and its trunk full of an advanced entertainment system and the hard drives full of games, movies, and TV shows Jarvis had gone through and made better. We could have taken a copy of Jarvis to continue his godly work, but he requested that no part of him ever have the possibility of winding up in 40K, and I respect that.

Kat stared at her new flesh and blood arm while Linda bent over heaving. I; however, was giddy like a schoolgirl as we stood around in a dark Tokyo alley.

"Every time I think that life can't get better, it proves me wrong." I grinned like a madman.

"How can being in a low tech world of super powered man eaters be a good thing?" Linda questioned while wiping her mouth.

I laughed maniacally while a pair of massive arms emerged from between my shoulder blades made of a dark blood-like bio-material known as Rc cells. The arms were a manipulatable organ known as the Red Child employed by the predatory human-like species ghouls. The segmented plates and claws were harder than my own scaly hide, an accomplishment few materials can claim these days, and sharp to the molecular level. They needed only a moderate push from my powerful new appendages to draw my orange blood from a rapidly healing wound.

"My dear." I chuckled, "We have entered a world with a power ladder scaling off of cannibalism, and as new a concept as that may be for you, for some of us it is old hat."

I took in a long and deep breath, "And more importantly, I can sniff out he ghouls as they hide within human society."

I fingered the empowered Ring of Namira. She'd be seeing a lot of use here.

"How exactly do we scale the 'ladder of cannibalism'?" Kat asked, "I am not interested in running around eating helpless civilians."

"That's the beauty of this world." I grinned, "We can upgrade the Red Children we all now possess into what is known as the Red One, a full body version, by frequently eating other ghouls. We get to power up by eating people and defend humanity from the predations of a mutant subspecies at the same time like a group of cannibal superheroes."

Cue the montage of us kicking doors down and eating people while Gimme Chocolate!! plays in the background.