Chapter 15

he next lesson at the Royal Treasury started with a lecture from Jim.

"Look," He pulled me aside, his face serious. "I know you have a lot going on, and you can't really slow down, but try to take better care of yourself, alright?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What happened to 'not lecturing me about going all out'?"

"Well, I thought I could do that. But now it's starting to affect my quality of life." He grumbled, pouring himself a drink as well as some tea for me.

"How is it…?"

"It's Tommy!" He blurted out, gesturing and almost spilling from the glass in his hand. "Whenever he gets stressed out, he has to clean something. Your home and his home are spotless, so what does he do?! He comes to my house!"

"He… cleans your house?"

"Deep cleans it. After that little 'fainting' episode of yours, I was woken up before dawn due to the sound of him polishing my floors!"

"…" I stared at him in shock and he sighed, throwing back his drink in a single gulp.

"Look, I'm not saying to stop trying to save your duchy, just attempt to limit the strain on yourself a little?" He looked tired. "I need to sleep and my poor tables and floors are being polished into dust."

I had to smile, even as the thought of my actions have such a strange unknown effect made me nervous. "I'll try to take care of myself better."

It would be easier now that my plans were on track, anyways. There was still plenty of hard work ahead, but building on the groundwork I'd already laid would help things along.

Nate arrived, and we discussed a few issues on land disputes. Towards the end, after Nate broke up a yelling match between Jim, and me he sat back with a sigh.

"This was fun."

"Yeah, " Jim agreed, "I'm going to miss this."

"Miss this?" I asked, confused.

Shrugging his shoulders, Jim explained. "Well, thanks to your popular talks at your birthday party, I've been strong-armed into taking on three new students. I was planning to give you a few weeks off, maybe to relax a little…" He looked pointedly at me, "…and when you come back all five of us can go over scenarios perhaps every other week."

"All five?" I thought about that number, confused, "Three students, you, Nate and Me… that's six."

Jim turned his head to Nate. "I thought you told her?"

The young man grimaced. "Not yet."

"Told me what?" I felt slightly annoyed at being out of the loop.

Nate stood up, stretching with a groan. "I'll walk you out, and we can talk on the way."

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"So what's going on?" I asked as soon as we left the treasury.

"I have to return to Tilendria next week." He realized I had stopped in my tracks and stopped, turning to face me.

"Already?

Nate laughed at that. "I've been here almost a year! Next month is my eighteenth birthday, and my responsibilities at home… well, I can't stay away any longer."

"I see." I hadn't thought about it, but it made sense that he would have to return. My stomach started hurting, I wondered if I had eaten something off earlier.

"I just…" He paused, taking a deep breath. "I want to thank you."

"For what?"

"For treating me like my own person… someone who actually has value." He turned away, running his fingers through his hair in a nervous gesture. "I've told you about my brother…"

"George, right?"

"Yeah. He was a wonderful person, but…" His face turned slightly red as he looked back at me, embarrassed. "I was always jealous of him. He always seemed to be a few steps ahead of me, doing things better than I could ever dream of doing them. And whenever I tried… no matter how hard I tried… it was always compared to George. "

"But you said he…?" I trailed off, unsure of how to phrase the question, but Nate understood, a grim light in his eyes as he explained.

"He died. Just three years ago. And there I was… competing with a dead person. Someone who could never make another mistake. All my dreams… my work to find something only I could do… gone in a single afternoon. I was permanently moved to his shadow. "

I felt a pang of sympathy. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I deserved it." The sadness, the regret in his eyes was so intense I felt myself reaching out to comfort him. I halted my hand before it had moved too far, holding it down by my side. "I was a rotten person, consumed by jealousy, and if I had… He wouldn't have been…" He sighed. "There's a lot of things I still have to atone for."

"…" I watched silently as Nate seemed to wrestle with himself, trying to regain emotional control.

"I say this because I had started to lose hope that anyone would ever see any value in me as a person. But Jim… and especially you…" He smiled, "You listened to my ideas. You took me seriously. You made me feel like I was worth listening to. I hadn't realized how much I needed that."

We resumed walking towards the outside, and he continued on. "So even though we're only 'pleasant acquaintances' I want you to know you've helped me immensely. And I'll miss you."

My stomachache grew worse. I rubbed it idly with one hand, replying. "I'll miss…" I felt a brief moment of panic and changed the words at the last second. "…having class with Jim together. It was very useful."

His smile turned slightly sad, but he didn't respond other than to nod. As we reached the carriage he helped me up into it, asking:

"Can I see you again before I leave?"

I thought that over. "I'm supposed to have tea with the Prince in three days. Why don't you join us?"

He gave me a strange look. "I wouldn't want to get in the way…"

"Oh you won't. It's something we have to do now that the Queen has set up. Besides, I'm taking Edith with me anyways, so you won't be the only person besides us two."

"Edith?" He looked confused. "I don't think you've ever mentioned her before."

"She's my best friend."

"I thought you didn't do friends?" His tone wasn't accusing, just bewildered.

"I don't." I laughed at the thought. "And she's why."

With that, I waved goodbye and left for home.

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Tea was an unbearable affair.

The four of us were sitting down, but only Nate and I were drinking tea. Edith was laughing, leaning towards Ronan, a bright smile on her face. Ronan was talking, but each word he spoke only made me wish he wasn't.

"She just kept babbling on and on, and so I told her to be quiet and I could teach her everything she needed to know to make sure the baby was healthy!"

"That's amazing!" Edith clapped her hands excitedly. "I bet she was thrilled to have your expertise! And how kind of you to volunteer your time to teach her!"

Ronan grinned. "I try to help out where I can."

Nate put down his tea, looking as if he had a headache. "You taught… a midwife… about babies?"

"Of course." The prince's expression grew condescending. "It's the job of royalty to teach the lower classes and less educated."

Nate and I both met each other's gazes, wide eyed. He rolled his eyes and suddenly we both held up our tea to cover our faces, trying desperately not to laugh.

"So where's Hallers?" Nate asked, looking around. "I didn't think he ever let you out of his sight!"

Edith glared at Nate, as if angry that he had spoken at all. "Why on earth would Lenora's family butler be out with her during tea with a prince? Honestly, after all this time staying with His Royal Highness, I'd think you'd be better versed in etiquette."

Prince Ronan looked slightly uncomfortable at her words. "But Edith, Nate is…"

"A slow learner." He interrupted, spreading his hands helplessly. Even with such an expert teacher available!"

"Hallers is doing a deep clean of the house. " I answered his earlier question, "Even then I had to talk fast. You'd think I was traveling to another country, rather than the Royal Gardens."

"What nonsense!" Edith was growing more annoyed that I had contradicted her.

"It's not nonsense." Nate frowned. "Hallers cares for Lenora, and ensures that she is comfortable and happy. I think he's a very admirable person."

"Well what else are servants to do other than care for their masters?" Ronan chuckled. "I mean, that's their purpose in life, correct?"

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"I'm looking for a dress!" A well-dressed woman came into the shop. I normally sewed in the back, but the shop girl had stepped out for a break, leaving me to tend to the customers.

"Of course, what kind of dress are you looking for?" I kept my voice pleasant, despite a sinking feeling in my stomach that this was not going to go well.

She glanced around the shop with a sharp gaze, her eyes lighting on a delicately beaded dress on a mannequin. "I want to try on that one. Help me into it."

I stared at her in confusion, "Ma'am, that dress is made for a child… it wouldn't fit…"

SLAP!

My head snapped to the side with the force of her palm. I stumbled a few steps backwards, rubbing my stinging cheek.

"I don't recall asking you for your opinion, servant." She pointed at the dress once again. "Help. Me. Into. It. NOW!"

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"That's ridiculous…" Nate was already starting to argue, but I reached out and tapped his hand, shaking my head for him not to push it. Edith and Ronan had already moved on to the next topic, with him continuing to brag about his "expertise" in different subjects and her praising him.

It was exhausting.

Two years of listening to them go on like this? I worried for my sanity. As I watched them continue to talk animatedly, tuning out the exact words, I wondered if they would notice if I brought a book along for future outings.

"I'm hungry!" Edith abruptly looked down at the table, and then glanced over at me. "Lenora, dear, go tell the servants that I would like some pastries."

Despite the egregious break in etiquette, Ronan simply grinned, supporting her request. I felt very relieved that I hadn't let Hallers come along today. If he had heard this… I shuddered to think of the consequences.

Nate was wearing an incredulous expression. "Do you really think…?"

"Sure!" I stood up, preventing him from finishing his sentence. "I'll be back shortly."

As I turned to walk away, Edith called out again.

"Lenora!"

I looked back at her, wearing the same fake smile I had worn in a previous lifetime for the sake of customers. "Yes?"

"Can you have them brew a fresh pot of tea and bring that back as well?" She waved, dismissing me.

My smile never wavered. "Of course."

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"Lenora!" Edith and I were at a garden party together. She was a wearing a delicate lace dress, one that I had bought her. I was wearing a multi-layered gown in clashing colors, uncomfortable but trusting Edith was correct that this was the newest fashion. "I saw you talking to Charlotte earlier."

I smiled, wiping sweat from my forehead, feeling uncomfortably hot in the dress. "Yes, she seemed very friendly."

Edith's eyes were cold. "Don't talk to her anymore."

"Why?" She had seemed so nice?

"She says terrible things about you when your back is turned. She may seem nice now, but if you keep being friendly with her, you'll regret it."

My shoulders sagged. I had been so hopeful when talking to her earlier that I might make a new friend. "Really?

"Of course," She laughed, the sound sickly sweet. "I just don't want you to get hurt, dear. "

"Thank you, Edith. You're a true friend."

"Yes, just listen to me, I'll watch out for you." She paused looking around. "I'm thirsty. Go to the kitchen and have them make me a drink."

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As I walked towards the palace, I shook my head. Growing up, Edith had frequently ordered me around, and worked hard to isolate me from any potential other friends. I had been so terrified of disappointing her, of losing one of the few people who cared about me, that I had always gone along with it. What a waste!

As I moved further away, I heard someone else walking up behind me and turned, surprised to see Nate. He walked quickly to catch up to me, his expression stormy.

"Your friend told me to get her some sugar for her tea. Apparently the sugar at the table isn't the right kind." He rolled his eyes. "I would have put her in her place, but you seemed to have a reason for going along with it, and I thought it would give us a chance to talk."

"I'm sorry. She shouldn't have done that to you." I felt bad. Being mistreated by Edith was something I considered normal, I had spent years adjusting to it, but seeing it happen to someone else…

Nate waved his hand, dismissing my concern. "Nothing for you to apologize for. Not your fault she's a terrible person."

We walked in silence until reaching some of the nearby servants, they promised to bring the desired items, refusing to let us stay to help bring them back. Shrugging, I turned back on the path, towards the gazebo in the center of the garden where we had all been sitting.

"So why are you letting her have her way in all this?" The question seemed to burst from Nate, as if he had been trying to hold it in but couldn't. "You have never struck me as the type to let someone bully you!"

You should have met me in my last life. "She serves a purpose. Until she ceases to be useful, it's not a big deal to make her feel as if she has the upper hand."

He shook his head, confused. "But still…"

"Rank, etiquette, who sits first and all that… doesn't really matter in the end. People only have so much respect for the title… it's money and power that matter most."

After all, I had been the daughter of a duke in my previous life, but it hadn't saved me.

Nate looked as if he wanted to argue, but I held up a hand, silencing him. We both stopped in our tracks, having just turned the corner that gave us a full view of the gazebo.

I groaned, pulling Nate back around the corner and out of sight. "You would think they would be done already." How foolish can they be?!

Nate's eyes were wide with shock, his cheeks slightly red. "I… they… we…oh no!"

He was obviously stunned, and with good reason. When we had turned the corner we had been given a clear view of Ronan and Edith… sharing a passionate kiss.

Pacing back and forth, Nate began talking to himself. "How could they? Your best friend and your fiancé?! This is terrible, THEY are terrible." He gestured wildly, "Should I go beat him up? Wait… would that count as an act of war…? Besides do YOU want to beat him up? I can HELP you beat him up… they can't cause an international incident over me just helping you beat him up!

"Nate…"

"…Talk to Hallers, I'm sure he knows the proper protocol in beating up the crown prince properly. But first, we'lll need to separate them, maybe some cold water and a bucket…"

"NATE!" I repeated, louder this time. He startled, looking at me, his muttered plans stuttering to a halt. "It's fine."

"How can it be fine?" He looked sad. "You should be able to trust them, but they're betraying you like this… hurting you… it's not fine at all!"

I reached out, putting a hand on his arm. He immediately froze, staring at the contact. "No, it's fine. Ronan despises me, He'll break off the engagement as soon as he's eighteen and can do it without the King and Queen's approval. And Edith… well, this is what she's always wanted."

He considered that. "But… what about you? What do YOU want?"

"Me… I want to be richest, most powerful person in the room. The one who gets to decide what happens next. Love?" I laughed at the word. "Love is just a weakness. It's lies and people pretending to be close to you, until they can sacrifice you for their own gains. I'd rather not have it."

Nate's eyes were sad. "No love at all? What about friends or family?"

"None." My expression remained stony. "All of it is a chance for someone to tear down everything you've ever built."

"Lenora, I may not have a fiancé or ever done…" He swallowed uncomfortably, turning bright red and pointing back towards the gazebo. "that. But friends, family… they're what kept me going, even in the worst of times. You can't spend your whole life avoiding love!"

"Watch me." I shook my head. "You think it's great now, but when you've lost everything, and the people you thought were family are dead and those you trusted as friends have betrayed you… well, then you'll wish that you had just avoided it altogether."

"But…"

"NO. No buts. I know what I want, and it isn't family. It isn't friends, and it isn't romance." I leaned forward, staring into his eyes.

"I would rather have a broken heart and a full stomach, than love deeply but starve to death on the street like a dog."

"…" He didn't answer, just stared at me again with a mournful expression. Why was he so sad for me? I had explained what I wanted, and I was getting it successfully! He should be happy for me instead!

Irritated I turned the corner again, this time talking loudly so that the two ahead would stop kissing. "Did you hear something?"

The couple sprang apart, wearing guilty expressions, and our awkward tea continued

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As the tea time mercifully came to a close, Ronan offered to send Edith back in a royal carriage. It was technically another breach in etiquette, but I was so relieved that the time was over that I didn't even have to force a smile as I watched them walk away. I prepared to get into my own carriage, only to be stopped by a determined looking Nate.

"Here." He put a piece of paper in my hand.

I looked at it with a laugh. "Really? More contacts? Who is it this time? A milliner? We don't sell hats yet I suppose."

He smiled, but it was a nervous expression. "It's me." He pointed at it, explaining. "I know it won't be the same as class with Jim, but I was hoping that if I need advice, or to bounce an idea off of someone, I could write to you? And vice versa?"

"Hmmm" I stared down at it for a few moments before putting the paper in my pocket. I had grown used to discussing the issues of the duchy with him after all. It wouldn't hurt to maintain that advantage.

He looked on, seeming extremely happy that I hadn't rejected the paper. "and… you said that Ronan will break the engagement when he turns eighteen?" His face was now bright red, even worse than earlier. I wondered if he had a health issue.

"Yes," I answered, not really considering my words. "At his birthday party."

"Okay." He nodded. "Good to know."

He stuck out his hand again. I shook it without hesitation.

"Thank you, Lenora. For everything."

And with that, he turned and walked away. I held my stomach, feeling pain there and in my chest.

"I've been having all sorts of stomach problems lately. I should be carful about what I'm eating." I muttered, as the carriage started moving and headed for home.