21 My faith hung on to this troubled man

Mr. Boardmann greeted me at the door, with a harsh force in his grasp of my fingers. By now, I was quite used to his manner of greeting. It gave me jitters, involuntarily reminding me of how he clenched and leeched into my arms yesterday in his hastiness to compel me to do as he wished- to stay. And it worked. I did stay. How I had hated a display of force, even that slightest bit to which he exerted over me, because it made me scared. I did not like feeling scared. I felt like I was long past it. I feared though of the unknown, but that was different from my heart suddenly pumping itself out of rhythm.

He need not have touched me. The slightest touch could always escalate to dreaded violence. And now, I had no one to turn to anymore for immediate help. Pablo was not on standby for me tonight. He was with Fiona, my counterpart who also worked in the suburbs but at the other end. She was doing a house call there and she had fears too about her client. In this industry, you have to rely on your own instinct.

Had he spoken to me roughly, I would have stayed anyhow. I could have muted his words, yet so far I had not because this one man had intrigued me to the core of my very existence. And I had trusted him with my safety. My faith hung on to this troubled man.

Now, he looked at me with pure delight on his upturned face, before mentioning that he had requested my company for the whole month. He did not appear surprised that I accepted his offer. This time I could utter that the pleasure was mine without any further interjections from him. He was willing to pay a lot for me, and not unexpectedly, he gathered that a large part of my pleasure lay solely in the remuneration of my companionship. He must have thought me shallow, and I did not mind, not in the least. My true intentions were concealed and thus I could carry on with an unobtrusive image I was trying to portray, hopefully less observed by his prying eyes. They had pierced like daggers, devouring my soul. All that was left of me was merely a shell of who I once was. But he can never know. I would not show weakness, would not succumb to it anymore.

I had wanted to tell myself that I was in it for the remuneration which he offered. I knew better though to acknowledge my inner most thoughts. My curiosity about him had transcended monetary gain. I wanted to help him. That was true enough. I had never known someone who had left on me such an impact in two nights; which akin to a rogue wave, crushed upon me to bring forth fragments of awakening. I felt as if I had slumbered for too long until I did not remember why I slumbered. He had opened doors within my closets, and unleased darkness I did not want to see. Who was I really and what on earth was I doing? Not only did the bouts of existential angst flood me in waves, it was also the knowledge of what I could not recall that was coming out to get me. It was a déjà vu. I had lived this experience before and I had failed to overcome it. However hazy my recollections were, I knew I had failed. The unknown beast was unleashed; and I felt that it was going to be me. I was my own monster.