4 I wanted indifference

"I have yet to decipher you. You are like a strange and mysterious creature in a fairy tale. How lovely it was to feel the warmth of your hands caressing my troubled head last night! If only you knew how much it soothed me and how close to me I felt you were... Yet when you talk to me, you are detached, getting away by saying as little as possible, just like you're on autopilot. Alas, there is a fragility in you which is almost poignant, as though this surface of calmness would break if not handled the right way..." He said, with an agitated tremor in his voice.

Even though I was concentrating on his nose, I could not escape those eyes. They pierced me greatly and I absorbed its impact with my very own. I felt waves of emotion rush into my face, causing my eyelids to brim with tears.

"You're dramatizing me into an image of sorts, to suit your own tastes." I said quietly.

My eyes were heavy with tears. I felt frustration and sadness. I wanted to punch him right in the face. Was I becoming violent? Then I chided myself for my preconceived thoughts of violent behaviour. I hated violence!

"That's it. I see some emotion there. You're on the defensive. You despise talk of yourself. You get upset about it." He said.

"That's not true. I despise..." I said, keeping my tongue in check.

I was about to say "you".

"...meaningless conversation." I said.

"So much so that it makes you upset." He replied.

He spread his arms wide.

"I am nothing to you but a money-making machine. After tonight, I would never see you again. Is that not enough reason to open up to me?" He asked.

"I am opening up to you in the way I know how. You are not easy to talk to." I said.

"That is true. I am a brute. I meant what I said yesterday. I can do better, and I will." He said.

My eyes felt the heaviness of unwanted tears.

"Such power though in those eyes of yours! I feel much scrutinized by you although you cannot bear to look at the brute before you." He continued.

There was a summon in his voice. I could not hold back the urge not to look at him. He had called out to me from within.

"Finally, you look me in the eye." He said.

Our eyes met. I was drawn into the grey wolf's lair. Piercing my soul. Those wretched tears flowed down my face. Neither had I sobbed nor had I made the slightest sound as to be heard. It was my eyes which betrayed me, but I was still very much in control of my other faculties.

"Lila, I'm so sorry. I did not mean to make you cry." He said, over and over again.

Instantaneously he was by my side and his arm went around my shoulders.

I shuddered at his touch. His skin was warm, mine was cold. The contact of his arm around me heightened my mixed sensations. I did not want him to treat me this way. I wanted indifference. It was easier for him too not to care about me, I would gather.

For the most part, I found it easier to manage my fluctuating feelings if he would just let me be.

"I'm fine, really. I just..." I said, blinking away my tears and rubbing them away from my face.

It was impossible to continue when I felt confusion. My heart was beating wildly. I felt that he could hear it.

"I'm confused about everything you said." I said, finally.

This meeting was a disaster. There I was, a self-professed confused wreck.

I shifted in my position on the cushions, hoping that he would take it as a hint to release his arm around me. He noticed my fidgeting but he took it in his stride to grasp me tighter and nearer towards him. It made me wonder if he interpreted my actions as my want of him to comfort me or if he had completely disregarded my discomfort lodged in his arm. I could not read that countenance of his.