Chapter 1

What is pain?

Is it an ache in your chest, from the longing you feel when nothing but bad memories exist? Or is pain the absolute end to happiness? Or it is the non-existence of sadness after you have swallowed hard. As I looked at the lifeless body of my groom, I realise that I’ve never known pain the way I know it now. Hallow eyes, bloody shirt, and a lump body, that was my fate. A design from above that plunged me into a darkness I have never realised existed until now. I hold my breath for a second, not wanting to breathe. Maybe if I close my eyes it will all go away and I’ll see him smile at me. No blood, more life, no tears and no pain.

His blood soaked my wedding gown as I looked down and realised how raw my reality was. Even in the midst of the chaos it was only him that I saw, it was only his voice that I heard and it is only his lifeless body that I registered in my already disoriented thoughts. The chaos continued around me as I held onto the last bit of hope, happiness and the entirety of my life.

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I blink, once, twice and my eyes fly open. I was panting and sweat had soaked my thick blanket covering my bed. My mom entered my room almost immediately after I opened my eyes and she gasps, fear taking over her features at the sight of me. It was a nightmare, my gruesome fatality that has haunted the very ground I walk on and consumed my thoughts for years. Is this how it feels like to be damned? I looked at my mom’s worried expression, wishing I could take it away with a smile but I can’t bring myself to even care. Not when I feel entitled to feel the rage in my heart right now.

‘Are you alright?’ My mom asked, her voice faint but shaken...probably with fear. Fear wasn’t sure I cared enough to take away from her, and it leaves bile in my throat. I remember when I used to be afraid of the dark, and I would hug my mother until I fell asleep. I’ve come a long way from childhood darkness to loving the ambience and the silence that come with it. She knew this, and that’s why she didn’t even dare to switch on the lamp on the nightstand. I nod a yes and get out of the bed, walking into the bathroom. She didn’t follow me, and I was thankful for that. I splashed cold water on my face, looking at my pale reflection stare mockingly at me. The cold water runs down my chin and I pick my white towel to wipe it off. My cheeks look hallow and my eyes are sunken in, indicating the life I had lost a year ago. I sigh, long and hard as I walk back into my room to find it empty. I sit at the edge of my bed, bouncing my knees out of anxiety, a trait I cultivated after my horrible experience, as a coping mechanism? I’m not so sure.

My eyes dart around the dark room, registering the pain I recognize as my fate. My door knob clicked and turned, before it pushed open, revealing my mom holding a glass of water. Her presence starts to irritate me as she walks slowly towards me, trying not to spill the full glass.

‘I do not need this- take it back.’ I spit, my voice devoid of any emotion and my patience running thin. She opens her mouth to speak, but I glare at her and stops her from making that grave mistake. “Nora- she whispers, her voice is full of pain and it reeks, it’s almost nauseating to watch. I get up and in one swift move, grab the glass of water from her already shaking hands, making the contents spill onto the floor and throwing it against my wall. She shakes in fear, and shrieks under my angry gaze.

“Get out of my room, before I lose the little patience I have left.’’ I seethe, through clenched teeth and she runs out of my room but not before I hear a soft sob escape her lips. She slams the door close and fall on the floor, not able to hold my tears as it spilled out of my eyes and my body shook violently from the pain that was drowning me with each day that passed by without his life. A life I loved to see grow, because it complimented mine in the most satisfactory way possible. I knew happiness like I had never known it before and it was unbearable to live every day of my life, wishing that day hadn’t happened. Wishing that I hadn’t entered James’ life.

I’m bad luck, my mind said and it kept hammering it, imbedding it in my sense, making my skin crawl in disgust. “I’m the reason he died’’ I mouth, just above a whisper, trying to keep the voices out of my head.

“It’s all my fault.’’ I say again, this time louder, loud enough for the sane part of me, that I’ve successfully drowned out to hear. I laugh, hard and I snort. I get up and pick up the lamp, smashing it against the wall. It falls to shambles, all the little pieces scattering to the floor, reminding me of the cold truth. The truth that no one around me seems ready to accept. The truth that I’ve spent a year, hammering in their heads. I laugh again at their cluelessness and stupidity. No one can fix me, no one can redeem me. I do not have a saviour. I’m beyond redemption, a poison that has seeped through the mind I have tried severally to control. I hope that by the time they accept my fate, it won’t be too late to live with it.