12 Stop Living in a Lie

Anita was just so worried about him that his self-will, potentially damaging to himself, was upsetting her. After all, even if your little brother becomes an adult, he starts a family, for you he will always be that little boy you have to look after.

Rafał knew about it, understood it and not only accepted it, but was grateful for it.

“Anita, I really appreciate how much you care about me. I know that as long as I have you by my side, I am completely safe” Brylski said with a smile. He did not exaggerate with his statement at all. Anita really was a moral and physical rock to him. “I can always rely on you.”

“Nevertheless, I let you down ... You had a heat stroke” Janiszek complained, not to him, to herself and to the lack of due care on her part.

Anita shouldn't blame herself for this situation. She absolutely shouldn't blame herself.

“It was an accident” Rafał reminded her with all conviction and warm softness in his voice. “They happen on every set. It's not your fault. Nothing at all. But... You think what Radosz said is true?”

“What?” The friend looked at him with concern.

“Well, that I have potential. And talent” he asked her shyly.

Anita smiled warmly, like an older sister scolding her silly but lovely brother.

“Of course, you idiot. Why would he hire you if he didn't believe in you? There is a lot of money at stake here. Bigger than you think.”

“Because I'm cheap?” He asked innocently but sincerely. “A professional actor would certainly take a higher fee.”

“Really? Who is stupid enough to hire someone who is not very famous and has no experience just because they are cheap?”

“Well, looking at some current productions...”

Brylski had in mind a certain TV trend that employed people from the street to shoot some kind of series, paying them fifty zlotys for a shooting day. While traveling by train, Rafał heard a conversation between two young men, one of whom was talking about his work on such a series.

Such a project was certainly not a high-budget production and by saving on the salary they would have to pay professional actors, they help fulfill many people's dreams of becoming actors.

Rafał could certainly understand now what all those amateurs felt, who thought that after appearing in such a production, they would suddenly be noticed by some outstanding director and would become great actors. In a way, he was one of them, only when he got started did he have no desire to be an actor. He liked it during his adventure with acting.

Anita shook her head disapprovingly.

“Well, they could have hired one of them, but they hired you. Rafał, understand this at last, you really have great potential and talent. Stick it in that empty, chained head of yours and stop being a total idiot!”

Brylski smiled at his friend. No one like her could give him confidence by using such unrefined language. I guess that was what true friendship was all about.

Your friend will not tell you what you want to hear, but what you should hear.

Therefore, he had another question for her, which this time was related more to his private life than to his professional career.

“You think it's because I've been pretending my whole life?” He asked and knew Anita would give him an honest answer.

"Perhaps," she agreed with a sigh. “Or maybe you were able to pretend all the time because you had a talent for it.”

Rafał thought about it and sat down heavily on the bed. He clasped his hands together and stared at them thoughtfully.

When did his pretending start? In high school? No, much earlier. Probably already in the first years of elementary school, when he began to understand that his world and the world of other children are so different from each other. To hide these differences, Rafał started to pretend that his family, his home, were the same as the others.

At the beginning it was not easy for him, because he did not know what normal houses and normal families look like, but he was helped by series where a loving mother took care of the house and children and dad returned home tired after a whole day of work, but he always found a moment to talk to his son and ask him how his day at school was.

So Rafał started to pretend that this is what his house looks like.

He was not doing it out of bad intentions. He wasn't lying for some vile purpose. He just wanted to be like everyone else.

But at one point, pretending and lying became second nature to him. Rafał, however, felt worse and worse with it, so he wanted to change it. That's why when he grow up he wanted to show people his real self.

Meanwhile, completely by accident, he began to follow the actor's path.

But that didn't mean he couldn't be his real self off-screen, the hurt, conflicted self that he considered a freak.

“Anita, are you able to tell when I am pretending and when I am myself?” He asked. She was the person closest to him. If anyone could distinguish a lie from the truth in him, it was Anita Janiszek.

"Sometimes," she admitted sadly. “But not always. Sometimes you even pretend in front of me.”

Her statement surprised him. Was he really lying to her, the only person who knew everything about him?

Maybe not everything...

There are some things you can't say to your sister, neither younger nor older.

“It's not that I don't trust you, that I want to lie to you...” Rafał tried to explain Anita, but he knew that he would not be able to do it well.

“But you don't want to reveal certain feelings even to me. I understand.”

Yes, she certainly understood that. No one else but she could understand his heart. But sometimes it was not enough for Rafał.

"You think I'll find someone someday that I don't have pretend in front? Someone to whom I will not be ashamed to tell the truth?” He asked with hope but also fear in his voice. He really wanted to hear a positive answer to this question.

His friend looked at him seriously for a moment, then her eyes lit up.

“I think so” Anita assured, but Rafał knew that she was not sure about it at all. She had only told him this to cheer him up.

So she lied to him too? It was a little white lie to give him confidence, save him from despondency.

It worked.

“Thanks, Anita. You are my true friend.”

"Of course I am," she nodded. “Are you going to rest now or do you want to eat lunch?”

“I'm not hungry, I'll rest.”

“All right. If you need anything, I'll be in my room.”

Anita Janiszek got up and headed to the exit, but before pressing the handle, she turned around and said:

“The first step to stop cheating others is to start telling the truth to yourself. Do not deny and do not hide the fact that Różycki's behavior hurts you. Don't accept his bad words. You may not be a professional actor, but he has no right to abuse power over you.”

“But I really...”

"You see, you're lying again, even to me. Only I saw this lie a long time ago.”

Rafał did not answer. Some things were best left without comment.

Well, the easiest, but not necessarily the best.