When you want something so bad but can't get it

I wish I could explain the shock I got from seeing Ric. Maybe it's because I expected him to continue ignoring me so seeing him here is strange and a bit wierd. But I must say that after the shock I felt relieved. While Ric may be able to avoid seeing me, I'm sure he cannot ignore me when he sees me and his sudden appearance confirms that.

"You're back" he says still looking at me.

"And you're alive" I throw back at him as I move to the kitchen to drop the bags in my hands. Like, it's his audacity to behave as if nothing happened. As if he hasn't been ignoring me all this while. All of a sudden the anger and worries about his behavior that I've felt throughout the week all come crashing down on me. I remember all the times I spent thinking through every possible reason he might have to avoid me like that. I head back to the living room, standing a few feet before him I cross my arms looking down at him sitting on the couch with his hands folded and his head down. I wait for him to look at me or say something but he doesn't.

"How could you Ric" I start in a very angry tone.

"How could you sit there looking as if you weren't ignoring me all week" I continue

" Am I that dispensable to you?" I ask, watching him give no reaction at all. I hate it when he behaves like this. As if everything am saying is not important at all. And I hate the fact that I start tearing up in such situations. ( damn tears, they like showing up when I don't want them to). I struggle hard to keep them from falling.

"Am I that unimportant to you Ric?" I add and that breaks the dam of tears I had gathered. I struggle to wipe my tears with my hands but they just kept falling and that frustrates me more but I suddenly get wrapped in a warm embrace. One I am so familiar with and that makes me cry more. I hate the idea of being unimportant to anyone at all especially to him. I have always struggled with alot of insecurities so this feeling of being unwanted hits alot.

"I'm sorry Bee, I'm so sorry" he says while patting me on the back. He does that repeatedly for sometime and that calms me down. I hug him as if he will disappear at any moment. No matter how angry I am I can't stay angry at him for long. It has always been this way. But I was determined to let him know how angry he made me even though I was more worried than angry.

"I'm sorry" he says again and I push him slightly away from me.

"First you have to tell me what you're sorry about Ric" I say and he kept quiet.

"Ric" I call and he looks at me.

"Did I do something wrong?" I ask because I don't even know what to say and he's not making any effort in helping me understand things.

"No" he answers immediately.

"You didn't do anything wrong Bee" he added

"I... I just had alot of things on my mind and I needed to clear my head"

"Things you couldn't tell me?"

"I didn't want you worrying"

"But you still made me worry"

"I know and I'm sorry" he said once again without saying more. He knew I wanted to hear more. That I want to know why he avoided me, but if there's anything i've learnt about him all these years, it's that you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. Same goes for telling you what he doesn't want to. Although I badly want to know his reasons, I decide not to force him. I know he will tell me when he wants to.

"Ok, but will you continue ignoring me? I need to know so I can prepare for it instead of being caught unawares." I say lightly

"I wunt" he says sounding serious.

"I wunt do that again Bee. I'm already regretting what I did. I'll never want to hurt you, you know." he added

"I know" I say and I really mean it. I know he will not willingly hurt me even though am hurt that he doesn't want to tell me what happened. I'll just let it go and hope that he'll come to tell me one day.

"But you're not sick right?"

"No, am fine."

"As long as you're okay Ric. As long as you are okay." I say as I reach out to hug him again. Trying not to think about anything else.

"Are you hungry? because I am very hungry" I say

"Yh, but Tee's gonna kill me. I made him cook for nothing then" he says and I laugh

"Just tell him I forced you to eat here" I say as I head to the kitchen with Ric trailing behind me. He grabs a stool and settles down while I begin sorting out everything I bought before I start cooking.

About an hour later Ric helps me with the dishes while I go take a shower in my room. I need to change out of these clothes since I've been wearing them since yesterday. I head back to the living room about twenty minutes later after i shower and change only to find Ric fast asleep on the couch, with a movie playing on the tv screen. As I watch him sleep, I wonder how busy he must have been with work to be sleeping by this time. I hear the lock turn and the front door opens to reveal Lay. She enters trying to change out of her shoes. She looks up and I signal her to keep quiet pointing at the sleeping Ric. She approaches me quietly and drags me to her room closing the door behind us.

" So I see you guys have made up then" she says while throwing her bag on the bed.

"We never fought Lay" I corrected

"If you say so" she says

"And did he tell you why he was avoiding you?" She asked

"No, he didn't. But I don't want to force him to tell me." I say quickly

"And why is that?" She asks ( argh, she asks so many questions))

"I know he'll tell me when he wants to"

"Ok, it's not my place to say anything then since you've decided" she says dramatically raising her hands in surrender and I laugh as I head back to the living room. If I stay here she's going to try convincing me to ask him and I don't want to. Ric is still sound asleep so I settle down on the couch beside his as I go through the tv channels looking for what to watch. I settle on a movie that's just starting.

Halfway through the movie I hear Ric shift and I turn to him meeting his eyes staring at me. It looks like he has been awake for sometime now.

"What will you do when you want something so bad but can't get it?" he suddenly asks his voice hoarse.

"What sort of question is that." I ask him wondering if he hit his head while sleeping.

"Just answer Bee" he says

"Let me think" I say. " I'll try hard to get it and if I can't get it by trying hard I'll just steal it" I say laughing at my words while he just continued looking at me, saying nothing more.