Preface : The Beginning

Today was a happy day in its own way.

It was clear to me that my obsession with her was not of God's will. In fact, the embers of hope in my heart, or the embers of deception in my mind, have not yet been extinguished.

The fact is that she is not a match for me on a scale of 1 to 100. We had a screaming match... It's clear that she's unattractive. But why can't I let go of her? It must be because of missionary love. That's the reason that stuck with me no matter how much time passed.

But whenever I thought about how to love her, there was always a lustful feeling in me, and that was the biggest problem,

So my conclusion at a young age was to marry her so that sex would no longer be an issue (I think I would have been an irresponsible parent if I had married her then) and I would love her, but how would I love her? Sex. Sex was all I had. It was all in my head.

It was always in the back of my mind. This was the only thing I remembered about her, both during our relationship and after we broke up. It made me think, "This could be God's will. God's will may be right. But in the midst of it, Satan can change that will.

We all need to love. But it's Satan's job to twist God's original message, to test God's voice and commands from the beginning, and to cause us to walk away.

I had been receiving this spousal prayer for quite some time, and I... I asked my evangelist at the time, why did they give it to me, why did they tell the biblical characters in advance?

The answer to that was to meditate on it more. We're not sure what we get out of contemplation, but one thing is for sure: the journey can be hard at times, but the end result is a journey to become a person who discovers God. Abraham did.

I think what really matters is my attitude. It took me a long time, a really long time, to realize that if I really want to believe that my heart is from God, it's important to act on that belief and not follow my thoughts and feelings. It took me two years to realize that.

I decide to let go because I trust that if it is from God, He will give me the right heart at the right time. Thanks be to God.

Kaitoren. This name means wave, wave breaker.

There are some things about the church and Christianity that make me very angry at times. I'm trying to express those feelings here. In the midst of the artist's cynical critique of Christianity and human nature, there is one thing I want readers to discover. Hope, not despair.

I do not mean to be angry, but to hold on to what can be hope, and not to be stretched; therefore, do not be angry.