XIV

I sit in my bed, rocking back and forth. My eyes wander from one point in my room to the other. Soon, I get up, take my phone and begin to pace.

When my dad died, the doctor told me that I should do what calms me down if I wasn't feeling too well. What will calm me down? Pacing.

Pace.

Pace.

Pace.

I look at my phone and go to the far extent as to unlock it.

I browse through all of my apps, finally making an urgent stop at the phone application. When I get into it, the only name I see is Jaime.

Should I call him?

No, he would think of me as weird.

Wait, but he called me first, so it wouldn't be weird if I also called him.

I am his girlfriend after all.

At least I was. Now I'm his ex-girlfriend.

I pray to God my soul to keep as I take a leap of faith and click on his name and then the call button under it. Before turning to the usual ios call screen, the screen goes dark, with the picture of us from 2 years ago at the beach as the profile picture I had inputted.

I put the call on speakerphone. My thought process is odd. Me thinking that if the phone was loud enough, I would have back-up from my neighbors if things were to go south.

I stare at the screen, at the picture of us. At a perfect time. Before things weren't so perfect anymore. The phone rings and it feels like an eternity. The phone buzzes in my hand, making me reminisce about the nice times we had together. All of our memories.

What will I do when I hear his voice?

"Hello?"

The ringing and buzzing had stopped and here I stand, frozen, as Jaime speaks to an empty line.

"Hello?" he says once more, but I heard him the first time. "Stella, are you there?"

"Hi," I whisper a reply, hoping he doesn't hear me, but he does.

"Hi!" I can feel him smile through the phone line. My lips begin to perk up into a smile too.

"How have you been?" I ask, holding back, not to overwhelm him with any questions.

"I've been alright. College is still as crazy as it's always been," he chuckles and I picture him on the other side of the phone call.

I giggle. "You've always liked it in Chaminade, though."

"It's growing on me, I will say that. "But what about you? How're things treating you where you're at?"

I take a second to think through my response. "Things are okay. Moving here was shit, but I made a couple of friends, so I'm coping."

"That's great. I hope you really are okay, though," he starts. "Did you get my text?"

I rack my brain, thinking about the messages he had sent.

Jaime: I just talked to your mom. She says that I'm free to visit next week.

"Oh, yeah, that message," I state, knowingly. I nod my head, waiting for his response.

"I was thinking I could come over? Like old times," he says.

I giggle. "Coming over as in sneaking into my room at night so we could make out for an hour?"

He laughs out loud. "That's not all we did."

"You're right," I state. "I would sneak out too."

This time, I let out a laugh.

"And this was up until we went to college," he says.

"When you decided to leave me in California," I state.

"You wanted to stay," he says. "And I came home as frequently as I could."

"I know," I say with a smile. "You were the best."

"I still am," I can feel his eyes. I miss him. "And you are too."

My eyes go wide before I say. "I know."

His laugh is calm and sweet. I can just picture his toothy smile as he laughs wholeheartedly at my small joke. Like he always did.

"So what do you say, Stella?" he asks, pulling me out of my fantasy of the past.

It takes me a while to respond, but when I finally do, I say, "For old time's sake."

He lets out a breath.

I let one out as well. And I didn't even know I was holding one in.

"Then, I'll see you Sunday," he confirms.

"Sunday?"

"Yeah, I can't wait to see you again. It's been too long."

"Me too, J."

"I miss you," he says, waiting for my answer.

"I'll see you soon then. Good night," I say.

I hear a sigh from the other end of the line before I cut it. I click the red 'hang up' button before throwing my phone onto the softness of my bed. I take a seat next to it, plopping myself on the bed, soon falling to a different position on my back.

I read through my and Jaime's messages. Not of now, but of then. When we were together. When we were okay.

Me: We're hanging out tomorrow right?

Jaime: Right :) I'll see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams. Love you.

Me: Love you too, J.

I turn off my phone only to hear it ding one last time.

Jaime: Sweet dreams, Stella.

I contemplate whether or not I should reply to him. I read and reread his message over and over and over again.

I begin to type.

Me: You too.

I send the message without hesitation, before sending another one.

Me: I love you.

I await his reply, but it never comes. It's read, but it never comes. I feel like just having the ground suck me in right then and there.

Shit.

I go to bed with hurt in my heart and words in my head but still wake up to my phone next to me.

I unlock it and it takes me straight to my text conversation with Jaime and what I see next shocks me.

Jaime: I love you too, Stella.