330: Thing Are Going To Be Okay

This is not going well as I expected. This is going to be worse. I mean why would Daniella be confused right? I just need to let her be. She needs to live the life that she wants. I can't force her to do something that is going to mess her up. If she is not ready for anything, she needs to live her life the way she wants. I am not in charge of any of that. 

             "Dad, is mom coming home tonight?"

Nimo asked as I helped her with the bags from her practice. It has been difficult knowing when Daniella will come home or when she won't come home. Most of the time Brian says she is sleeping at their house and I don't have anything to worry about that. As long as she is not out late and something bad doesn't happen then I am fine.

I don't want to tell Nimo, how should I explain to her that she is still deciding if she loves me or not?

She has a school project and it's hard for her to come over baby, but she promised to speak to you today. She is working hard to pass her exams and everything. 

I tried to explain as hard as I can. Ashley, she is helping me, she decided she can't explain to Nimo that her mother is undecided. She says the same thing so that we are on the same level with our explanation. 

"Okay, I hope she graduates and passes her exams. I want to see her succeed."

I nodded to Nimo and we headed home. Jade didn't accompany them for practice because he is busy preparing for his final exams and making sure that his visa is also ready. Though I don't think that is the reason he is not in practice. Today I have shown Nimo some of the moves I know and she said they are not helping, I think we will have to let her join the school team now, I can't do anything about it.

           "Ashley, how is your boyfriend doing?"

Nimo is very nosy and inquisitive. She will make sure she asks anything that she can ask. I don't know why she is asking Ash about Richard at this time. 

"He is fine, he said hi though."

"Maybe he can come for my basketball game next week you know."

Ask nodded and said he will make sure he ask him to reschedule his plans to attend her basketball game. Nimo was excited. I don't know why? Or the mere fact that another man is coming to her basketball practice?

Arriving home, Zeke and Rose were busy working out since they refused to do morning practice. Nimo took a shower and worked on her homework. Mirah is not around, and Ash and I have to make the meal of the night. 

We settle for rice and steak which was manageable to cook for the kids. We can't give them nodules because that isn't what they love. They always prefer a balanced diet and just the way their mother loves them to be eating. 

       The meat is frozen, shit.

I place it on the table and it's not the soft, tender meat that I know of. Yes, the hard one, and I am just frustrated by looking at it. Ash grabs the meat from my hand and throws it into the microwave, she asks me to cook the rice while the meat is being processed in the microwave. She prepares the cake and puts it in the oven to bake. Checking the fridge, there are some doughnuts that Daniella brought home for the kids because they love she makes them.  That will be enough snacks to carry to school. 

"Here you go, the meat is now ready for you to slice and cook."

I didn't have an idea of how to do this. She helps me to chop it into small pieces before cooking it.  That is the meal for the night. She prepared dome salad and the meal is ready to be taken. 

Nimo helps to set the table and together we eat while staring at the space on the table. She is not here today. She could have stirred a conversation.  I eat while listening to Nimo and the other kids speak of how school was. They talk about their friends and the next game that is going to be played on Saturday.  Done with the meal. We clear the table as the kids prepared to read some story books and other things they can have their hands on. I walk into my office and make sure I finish the work that I left incomplete today.

Why can't Daniella just think through it? I wasn't ready for this, I wasn't ready to have her undecided like this. I thought sje would be committed but at the same time, I can't choose for her. She had every right to choose what she wants to choose.

"Dad, can you help me with your phone? I want to call mum."

Rose walks in and I allow him to pick up the phone from the table. I want to hear what they tell their mother but I can't say anything. They are allowed to ask her for anything.  

Sometimes it's hard, you know you can't change people. If they don't want to be queer, they won't be queer, if they want to be straight, they can be that. That is the conclusion made. 

I heard another knock on the door, at this time it could have been Daniella bringing me a cup of coffee but it was Ash. Not even with a cup of coffee. 

             "You okay? "

She asked me but she knows I am not fine even a bit. I just nod and focus on the work in front of me. Reading a report is tiring.  

I think she is going to leave but she doesn't leave, she sits across the table and looks at me. Daniella would have pushed herself closer to me and taken a good look at what I am doing. 

"Davids, you don't need to beat yourself up. Let her choose what she thinks is the best for her. If she loved men then you have to accept that, if she loves women then she will come back to you. You did nothing bad, all you did was try and you tried all you could do. So be happy with what you have done, and the far you have come. The kids love you, and though they are going to be frustrated you need to let them know that you are there for them. I think it's time for a snack and some little movie they  will appreciate that."

I nodded to her and promised to be there.  It's hard to imagine what she had said but my heart just wants her back. That won't be fair for Daniella, she has to choose what she wants. 

I joined the kids for the movie and cake eating. They are excited that They have spoken to their mother. I don't know what she told them but if they got that chance, then I am happy. This is going to be good for everyone. 

"Mum said she will come home tomorrow when her project is done, do you think we can maybe bake her a big cake to say welcome back?"

I looked at the kids and widened my eyes. Why would they want to bake a cake to say welcome home yet she left of her own will? They don't know why she left and I can't tell them that, I have forgotten maybe I should let them decide what they want.

          "Sure, we will do that."

Ash said and I nodded with them. 

           "Dad, you okay?"

Nimo looked on my side and I nodded for them. They are supposed to enjoy all these. I am just sad that despite all that I have I still can't make someone love me.  I tuck them into their bed but Nimo stood there asking if she can join me in bed. I gladly agreed. Given that we have a weekend tomorrow. 

"I fought with Jade, that's why he is not coming for practice. Grandma said I should focus on my career and everything. I want to be a basketball player and I just dont want any distraction from now on. Will it be bad not to say sorry to Jade?"

Well, I knew they argues but I didn't know she had sought advice from mum. Seems that she gave her very good advice. 

"it doesn't pinch to say sorry. Say sorry or even write a letter. If he loves a gift, take that chance and say sorry to him. You never know, everything will be fine in the end, okay?"

"Thanks, dad, I will do that on Christmas before he goes on first to Britain."

She slept and I was left staring. 

Will everything be okay with the way I am saying or it's just my mouth speaking but my mind is saying something else? If everything is going to be okay, everything could have been okay a long time ago, not right now, things are scattered scatter all around. I am just tired. Tired to think that everything is going to be okay.