Blaming Myself 3

The bell rang, meaning classes was over. Just like earlier, it felt like a long time had passed while I was just mindlessly listening to my teachers do their lectures.

"Heading home?" Morimoto-san asked.

"Yeah, but first I'll have to retrieve my phone."

"I see. You want me to come with?"

"No, it's fine. It was my own fault to begin with, so there's no need to keep you involved with my problem."

"If you say so. I'll head out now. See you tomorrow?"

"…Yeah. See you."

After that, she went out of the classroom.

I felt rather surprised. Despite us just talking with each other, it really felt as if we were friends. I couldn't tell if she really did reject or accept my proposal from earlier. The way she acted, especially that parting message she gave me, was all giving me doubts from her response.

I shook away these thoughts, went out of my classroom and headed to the faculty to retrieve my phone. On the way there, occasional noises came from the outdoor clubs. One particular club that came in mind was the swimming club. It's the club Yumi's a part of.

I couldn't tell what the swimming club does. There was swimming, sure, but what else is there? There's not much competitions from what I've heard, so there's no reason for them to just keep swimming every time they have activities. I'm just talking to myself, though. Who knows what important things they may be doing for the sake of the club. Maybe that's why Yumi's a part of the club.

I ignored the sounds and just continued to the faculty. Just as I was nearing it, I saw yet again a familiar individual that I was not hoping or even expecting to see.

"Oh… Hey there," Mari said. All I could do was nod.

She was holding a stack of papers on both hands while her bag was just hanging from her right elbow pit. It didn't seem like much since the papers didn't look like that big of a stack, but she did look like she was struggling from keeping her right arm in check. I didn't mind that though, and just continued walking.

Just when I was about to go past her, she suddenly walked the same way as me, which was somewhat awkward, especially because we were walking right next to each other as if we've known each other for a long time. We both did, but that's beside the point.

"…Where are you headed?" Mari asked without looking at me. I'm guessing she couldn't bear the silence anymore.

"…Faculty. My phone got confiscated, so I'm getting it."

"I see…"

After that, we both just kept walking towards our destination. Once again, it felt awkward walking with her. Our conversation stopped, which I was actually thankful for, but it stopped way too early. We weren't even close to the faculty yet.

Just as we were walking, I noticed Mari occasionally adjusting the bag that was hanging from her elbow pit. Although the stack of papers didn't seem that heavy, for Mari, it's already a pretty big burden. She's not that strong, after all.

"Hey," I called out to her.

"Huh?"

"Do you need some help carrying those? You seem a little worked up there."

"Oh, no, I can handle it by myself."

"You sure? I can just carry half."

"Yeah, I'm sure. My destination is pretty far away from here, and I wouldn't want to burden you…"

"…Well, if you say so."

I couldn't hear the last part very well because her voice turned a little quiet by the end of her sentence, but I didn't mind it.

As we kept walking, her adjusting became more and more frequent. It's fine if she was just adjusting it, but her right arm clearly looks like it was shaking. I didn't know why, but it felt frustrating for me. The more she did it, the more I had the feeling to take action. It was turning miserable for me.

This wasn't just frustration that's building up inside me, too. I've seen her struggle a lot of times already, so it just felt natural for me to try and help her. I wasn't in any position to do that though, but I couldn't take it any longer.

I stepped in front of her and stopped her in her tracks.

"Just give it to me," I said.

"…Eh?"

Without even waiting for her response, I just went ahead and grabbed the stack of paper from her hands. It took her a moment to process, but after she did, she adjusted her bag and just held it normally.

"…Are you really sure?" she asked.

"Where are these headed?" I asked, completely ignoring her question.

"…The faculty."

So we were going to the same place…

Now, we both just headed towards our destination without speaking. It felt comfortable for me now, too. The stack of papers I grabbed from Mari did seem a little heavy, but it's the weight that most people can manage. I'm really surprised she couldn't hold this much.

We kept walking. Minutes passed with just the sounds of our own footsteps. We've been walking for a while now, so it wasn't much surprise that we were reaching the faculty now. And indeed we did.

We both entered at the same time and headed for the same desk. It seems like the teacher was checking something. It wasn't any of my business, though.

"Ma'am, here's the handouts you requested," Mari said after we were beside her.

"Hm? Ah, Shinkawa-kun, Hisakawa-kun. Thanks, you can just place it here," she said. "I wasn't expecting two students from separate classes to come. What are you doing here, Hisakawa-kun?"

The teacher's name is Fumi Matsuda. She's my advisor and English teacher. She's somewhat the carefree type of person and a little clumsy. Despite that, a lot of students actually go to her if they ever need any help. She's pretty reliable.

"…My phone."

"Ah, right! I completely forgot about that."

Matsuda-sensei grabbed my phone from somewhere in her desk and handed it to me, to which I graciously accepted.

"Even though it was against the school rules, I wouldn't have confiscated your phone even if you were using it in the middle of the class, but I didn't want to set a bad example for myself. Sorry about that, Hisakawa-kun!"

"…Right."

That reasoning was kind of dumb. I mean, it was fine and all, but she used me as a stepping stone. It was partly my fault since I was using my phone, though.

"But I gotta say, I didn't know both of you knew each other. What are you to each other? Friends? Or perhaps both of you are dating?" Matsuda-sensei asked playfully and teasingly.

I just looked at Mari without speaking. I've only said like three words since I got here, but it felt like saying more was a little too much for me already. It was much more comforting here since it's silent despite having a lot of people, but I just didn't fit well because I'm a student.

"No, ma'am. We're just acquaintances," she calmly spoke.

"You'd normally act flustered when someone asks that…," said Matsuda-sensei. She must've been watching a lot of anime. "Oh well. Just don't use your phone again in class, alright Hisakawa-kun?"

All I could manage was a nod. Like I said, saying anymore was little too much for me even though it won't do anything bad to my reputation.

After that, Mari and I just headed towards the door. Once we formally got out, we both just stood there with nothing to say.

Silence yet again visited us. We didn't do anything, we didn't say anything, we didn't even start walking our separate ways. We just stood there as if we were lifeless. The only source of sounds that came from here was the occasional walking and talking of the teachers inside the faculty room.

"…Hey," Mari finally spoke, finally breaking the silence.

"What?"

"I didn't get the chance to explain what happened in that empty classroom back then, didn't I?"

Now that she mentioned it, she was right. I still haven't gotten over that and the feeling is still swirling around inside me, threatening me to jump off a cliff. This morning as well, back when we were riding the train. When the car swayed, she just stayed silent.

The more I tried to forget about the feeling she gave me in that empty classroom, the more hurt I became. Not only was it overwhelming me, I couldn't take it anymore, either.

"…Right," I just blankly said. "What was that about?"

"Well—"

Just before she was about to start with her explanation, I heard loud footsteps coming from behind her. After that, she suddenly got pushed forward by someone, to which I caught her by her shoulders.

"Ah, sorry about that!" some guy said, running in the hallway.

He was being chased by a friend of his, I assume, and they were both wearing the uniform the basketball club used when they practiced. I'm guessing they were both from the basketball club.

I swayed my head to focus on what was happening right now.

"H-Hey, are you okay?" I asked Mari, who was leaning on me when I caught her.

"…Idiots…"

"Sorry, what? I can't hear you."

"They're all a bunch of idiots… Those guys and that classmate stalking me… They're all a bunch of idiots…"

I see. So she was insulting those people for bumping into her. There was something more worrying than what she was calling those guys earlier.

"…What do you mean by 'that classmate stalking you?'" I asked.

"It's exactly like what I said… That guy has been following me nonstop just because we both spoke to each other once, and now he's taking it to another level by stalking me everywhere in school… I can't take it anymore…!"

She leaned her body on me more, replicating what happened to us yesterday. I could once again feel her, smell her, touch her, everything. The feelings that I was trying to forget about was coming back to me all over again, stabbing me everywhere like a bunch of needles poking through my entire body.

It's not just her that can't take it anymore. Sure, our problems may be different because mine was trivial compared to her, but if you put in into perspective, we were both already at our wit's end. Just a little more and it could burst out at any minute.

"…Why can't you be by my side when I need you the most, Takuma-kun…"

That one single line was enough. It was enough for me to release these feelings. It was enough for me to burst out. I thought I could still hold on, but just because of what she said, the damage was already done.

There was no more hesitation. These feelings that just built up for just two damn days was already coming out. There was no one that's going to blame me for what I was gonna do.

I extended my arms around and pulled her close to me, hugging her.

"…I'm sorry…" I said.

As soon as I said that, she leaned more on me, basically dropping her whole body on mine, and starting having tears gush out from her eyes, flowing down her cheeks. When I saw that, I just embraced her more.

For now, there was no need for words. I can forget our status of us breaking up. Right now, all I'm doing is just giving my frustrated schoolmate the company that she needed. I'm going to keep her company as I reflect on my past actions, blaming myself.