Left picking up the shreds you left

As the days went by I didn't know what to do with myself. Before whenever I wasn't working or in school I would be with my ex boyfriend and/or my best friend. Each day I would check to see if my friend had responded to me only to find one day that she said she could no longer trust me. I deleted all of my social media after that. I never found out who told her what I said and I don't remember saying anything horrid enough to lose a friend like that. So I shut out everyone else who remained by my side. I didn't trust anyone around me. I tried to through myself into my coursework but I couldn't even succeed in doing that. I could feel myself spiraling, hoping to disappear from everything that was going wrong. I ignored it all for a month. I barely attended classes because I was afraid of running into my ex on campus or in the class that we shared. I dropped most of my classes and retreated into books and shows of people in far off places falling in love and being supported by everyone around them. I hoped that they would come back to me because I gave them space and didn't do anything further. I respected their wishes and I eliminated myself from their lives in hopes to make it easier for them. After a lot of introspection I grew to despise myself. I hate who I have become and I can finally understand why they left me.