Lines of Devotion; The Closing pt 1

/Cait pt 2\

I knew where I ended up after last night I just couldn't say why I did it....I kept in touch with joy after the incident mostly out of guilt..She changed from how she was back in highschool I am sure of it I think..... I could always tell from the warmth I felt from being held by Ash and no matter how many girls or guys I tried I just never felt this kind of warmth an safety from them...Even though i remember it all when I get drunk like that.... I wish I could forget like everyone else..man the first time you hit joy was back in highschool God I hated that day. Wish I could forget that incident... On the day you found courage to confess I found Joy who I was seriously trying to date. Glad you finally confessed to me but I also had to tell you I found joy what a twisted sense of humor life had...even though I told you and didn't even respond to the confession all you could think of was me and my safety. For someone locked in the dark you had a light to you and I see it more now....you warned me with so much conviction and I just brushed it off....after three days I called you and cried so hard I was such a mess... I found out Joy cheated and then Joy acted like we was only playing a game having fun...I had my share of fun but I never let it get serious back then. And when I dated Joy I put it behind me to be honest with my feelings but apparently she did not feel the same way...I should have listened to you but I didn't.....

If I stay like this I will keep remembering everything from the past..... Slipping from the way you always held me was easy. I never worried about disturbing you because you never held me like a prisoner....you always gave me the option to leave....I wish you never gave me the option.....Jesus I need a shower or these thoughts will plague me further...God why did you have to hit her Astra I didn't mean for this part of history to repeat.....I thought water washing over me would help me forget these memories....

//Flashback //

The sound of a phone ringing was the most noise that ever filled that house. Parents that never come home to a child surrounding herself in darkness every day after school. I was the closest to her out of all our friends.... Why did I call you Astra..... The ringing finally stopped...

"Hello .?"

Crying please stop.....please stop crying.

" Cait are you okay what happened..?"

Why do you sound so worried about me...I choose someone else over you even though I knew better then ignoring your advice...why didn't you just give up on me....I didn't even give you a answer.

"It will be okay...Cry it out I'm here Cait."

God let me speak ...why won't the tears stop.... why am I crying so hard....thirty minutes of crying before I found my voice again.....but what do I say ....what do I not say...

" Why did you answer...."

" Because you are a light in a dark place....for me that matters more then being rejected ."

"I did not exactly reject you....I did not even give you an answer..you went into a rant about j...."

"Yeah I guess I did...so what's the answer.?"

I forgot where I was when I called Astra but I didn't even have time to respond when I heard joys voice..I hung up so fast... I had no idea what she was really like....I ditched school but I should have known Astra would come. I shouldn't have opened the door for her to see.....the Mark joy left I tried so hard to hide it.... I was so ashamed. But she just held me and took care of me not once did she say anything. I thought she just didn't wanna ask but I should have seen the storm behind her eyes.....I never seen eyes so dark before...and when I woke up Astra was gone and i found out at school that joy was hospitalized. I was able to find Percy easy enough surely he knew about Astra....because that was Astra's half brother even if they didn't talk much.....He told me the details that he knew... Astra lost everything she was working for. They removed her from the track competition coming up, she lost her college recommendations. She lost everything with a single choice. Her parents came home for the first time in awhile only to send her to what's referred as the ward around here, a place similar to prison where they rehabilitate you till you are safe for society. I had no idea how bad it was or the damage Astra done but wasn't anyone gonna fight for her.....Since she was young she only served a sentence of rehabilitation which wasn't as bad as it could have been but it goes on the record all the same....All I could do for those eight months was cry and ask why. Why did no one fight for her, why didn't I do more....

Even though I didn't see or hear from Astra for eight months because my parents refused to let me visit her.....we reconnected finally at the abandoned rec center a place I always waited for her after school hoping today was the day...I felt responsible for everything and so guilty I should have spoke up maybe we would have eight months together instead of this.

Yet while I was standing here ready to cry you just smiled at me like you are happy.....how can you be happy to see me after everything you lost...she held me as I cried I was so happy to have her back finally.

We got an apartment together after I finished highschool but my parents where so angry when I told them I wasn't going to college..Astra needed me I could tell she wasn't the same I wasn't losing her again....or so I thought... The days we lived together was the happiest but something always bugged me. Why she didn't mention it...she could have asked for my answer surely she still wanted to hear it...but I was afraid to ask I didn't wanna bring back those memories from so long ago... eventually I got so depressed I started partying and drinking which soon lead to sleeping around. I was spiraling so much I couldn't stop myself I hated it so much...but she was always silently by my side through everything....When did we lose our courage to speak how we feel to one another.....what happened to you while you where away from me....

Shit.....I hate remembering how much time we lost and I hated knowing I won't get it back. Why did joy do that, she should have known better. She couldn't have been that drunk...she should have walked away damnit....I can't let her lose everything because of me again. I have to fix this before I make history do a full circle on us....My world's catching on fire after all or was it always on fire and I just couldn't see the flames burning...how can i put it out before it's to late.....

The water helped from the shower a little but I still have lingering thoughts from the past....so many questions left unsaid and left unspoken... I have to make a decision....This is probably the only time I can give you a kiss without feeling guilty...

"Goodbye my Ash. I love you to but I have to do this...I will return one day when I have the right answers."

I spoke so quietly afraid to wake her...why am I'm such a coward... Don't hate me for this Ash but I have to fix everything before I burn everything and everyone around me...