Chapter 8

I run. As fast I can, feeling my lungs burning and begging for air. But I won't stop, until it all goes away. Until all of it stops hurting. 'You're impossible, Joshua. You're not getting anywhere with this attitude!', 'Go live with your sister. I can't see you doing nothing all day!'', 'You're wasting your life! You're arrogant, selfish, reckless!', 'Look what you've done! Control your anger, or you'll not have a place to stay anymore.'

It all comes back. Every word that he ever said to me, after mom died, was just emphasizing my flaws, the things I was fighting with. Every single name that he ever called me, after mom died, was reminding me of what a terrible person I was and was making me feel even more lost and angry. He never said he loved me, that he was proud of me, that I was doing a great job at school! Mom was filling it up for him.

If I hate him so much, why can't I be happy that he's gone? Why can't I feel relieved? I finally stop to catch my breath. I start coughing really bad, feeling the pain in my chest growing fast. I lay down, right there on the edge of the street, trying to empty my mind of everything. Of faces, moments, good or bad, pictures and words. Still one face remains, bright and beautiful.

Sunny.

I need to see her.

***

*Sunshine's point of view*

I'm struggling to find the tomatoes in the glass bowl. It's big, full of vegetables off all sizes and I can smell them all, but not the tomatoes. But because I'm really longing to eat a salad, I decide to take them all out one by one, to decide a replacement or eventually find the hidden red tasty balls.

'What are you doing?' Dally asks, coming in the kitchen. 'Those are older than a week, mom went shopping today and got everything. Use that.'

'I only need tomatoes. Everything smells fine and feels fine, so it's eatable.'

'Fine, suit yourself, chef.'

I don't answer that, just in time to hear her sighing. Dally brings me three tomatoes and puts my hands on them. I wash them carefully and then start cutting every ingredient that I need. I know she wants to say something. I feel her tensioned.

'You're not mad at me anymore, are you?'

'About what?'

Her long nails start tapping nervously on the table.

'About this morning, when I yelled at you?'

I laugh.

'Girl, I told you it's fine. Don't stress about it.'

She goes on.

'I know that you do. Whenever we say something without really thinking to you, especially using words like 'look' or 'watch' or 'see', I know it hurts you. You feel sorry for yourself, you cry, you hate your life and the rest of it.'

I keep myself busy.

'You know I'm right. So, just let me apologize, don't say it's fine when it isn't. I don't want you to come to the point where you want to...'

'Kill myself?'

Her fingers stop moving.

'Well, not specifically...'

'But yes. That point where I can't stand you guys being so insensitive and hide myself into a bubble of depression.'

I had this conversation at least five times. They worry about my mental health, sometimes too much.

'You know it's not something to play with, Sun.'

'Dall, I've been there. I wasn't sleeping for days, crying and allowing bad thoughts to fill my mind. I couldn't understand why I needed to be born like this, separated from all the beauty of this world. I was ready to do whatever it took to see one rainbow. It still matters to me, but I'm learning everyday since then to enjoy everything.'

I remember my talk with mom from this morning. I said I'll let them help me. This is what I'm doing now, letting Dally see a part of me that I can't easily talk about.

'You apologized already. Knocking at my door, remember?' I smile and hope she smiles too.

All of a sudden, someone rings the entrance door's bell. Dally offers to go check who is it, and I go on with my salad, feeling weirldy relieved that I shared something with my sister. But she comes back in a hurry, talking with a confused voice.

'There's someone at the door we didn't think we'd see again. And he asks to see you.'

I accidentally cut myself, feeling the hot liquid burning my skin, as I felt it this morning on my foot. It healed quick, and I can easily step on it, as I didn't expect I could for a couple of days. But I forget the pain from the finger even faster when I hear someone else entering the kitchen. What is he doing here?

'My phone is ringing upstairs... I'll let you guys talk.' Says my sister in a rush.

That's the biggest lie I have ever heard. She always carries her phone in the back pocket of her jeans, or in her left hand. Left alone with Josh, the silence is really awkard.

'You're bleeding again.'

As he says those words, the burn suddenly comes back and I turn to the sink to wash my wound. The ice cold water calms me down as I reach to a drawer above me to find a bandage.

'Need any help?'

'Why did you come back? Did you forget anything?' I ask him, knowing these questions are in vain because Dally specifically mentioned that he came here to see me. Now, that terrifies me, and still makes me feel a bunch of stupid butterflies in my stomach. I know I owe him thanks, but apologies as well.

'No. I came to... say I'm sorry, because I yelled at you. You're not a kid anymore, you understand things very well. Maybe I was too blind to see that you're struggling to open up but you built walls that aren't easy to break down.'

I will not cry. I will not.

He gets closer, till he reaches the other side of the table. I assume he is watching me bandaging my finger.

'You were right.' I whisper. 'So right, that it hurt me. I'm sorry you had to see this stubborn and proud part of me, and for yelling too.'

He sighs, probably relieved. I can't believe my ears either.

'I talked to my mom, and to Dally. I did my best, but probably would've never realized it if you weren't here to tell me.'

I can't really say thank you to him. There's still a gram of pride in my heart that does not let me.

'Glad I could help. My sister had me back, we're kinda good now.'

'Wow, you must be a wizard, Josh.' I smile and hear him chuckle.

'Maybe.'

I remains quiet, and so do I. I'm starting to admit that I like his presence. There's something about him that comforts me.

'Are you ever going to go back to your dad?'

It takes him a few seconds to answer, his voice shaking and quitting to sound normal.

'There's no one to return to.'

'Of course there is...'

'Literally no one, Sunny.'

I don't know what confuses me more. The fact that he called me Sunny, or the fact that I can't believe what he just said.

'Josh? What do you mean?'

I refuse to think of anything before he answers me.

'He died tonight.'

It's like the ceiling falls all over him and he gasps for air, struggling to make his voice heard. I get to the other part of the table.

'What? How?' I ask him, feeling my finger bleeding again.

He sighs and nervously laughs.

'I was so... I didn't even ask how. I just ran away.'

'Why didn't you say anything?' I whisper. 'You let me talk about my stupid problems, and you have this on your mind?'

Josh doesn't answer. My house is so quiet. With everyone out, Dally is probably listening at the door.

'I'm so sorry.'

'You don't have to. I can't feel anything, Sunshine, literally anything. I hated him so much after mom died, but I can't feel relieved that he's gone. I can't cry because I feel confused and... numb. I didn't even ask why he died.'

I get closer to him and try to decide if I should reach for his shoulder or not.

'He made me hate myself.'

The kitchen is quiet for a few minutes, both of us probably thinking of what we should say next.

'I didn't say anything because it's not that important. You were happy that you could open up to your mom and sister. Couldn't find the guts to ruin that.'

I feel terrible and still I don't find the words to say it. I feel like I would do this about me even more.

'Why did you come?'

I hear him swallowing hard and sighing.

'The truth is I was afraid I'd make a scene. I needed to process all this somewhere else than with Amy. I have...'

In one way, I feel scared about what I'm gonna hear but on the other hand I feel ready for anything. Anything that this stranger feels strong to trust me with.

'...anger issues. I was born energized, active, so alive. After mom passed away, all these started to feed an angry me. It begun with a broken glass, then a plate, dad's collection of paintings, and finally fights. I... almost killed my best friend because he tried to help me realize I was on the wrong path.'

His voice can barely be heard. He holds his tears bravely.

'That's why I can't and I won't ever fight with Amy. She is so proud that she won't let me get away with a simple insult. I am way better than before, I've learned to control myself. But around her, I can never be too sure. I'm afraid I'll hurt her.'

I feel my hand touching his arm.

'I needed just to see you. I know it's been one day since I met you and I can't explain the reason I did it, but there is something.'

I fill my lungs with a deep breath and then leave it out slowly. I haven't said anything in almost five minutes.

'Maybe it's too much to ask, maybe I'm crossing a line, but... will you come to the funeral too?'

I feel the same thing as him. There is something. And right now, I feel like if I'm gonna be there for him, I'll discover what it is.

'I'll go with you, Josh.'