Chapter 12

You poor things.' Aunt Christine says, placing her hands on Amy's cheeks and dragging her into a tight hug.

Everyone is waiting in line to talk to us, the only important relatives of my dad. They all seem so sincere, but I would be a fool to trust their sad faces. I can't do more than to appreciate that they actually came to the funeral.

Uncle Martin and the other three men lift up the coffin and make way through the crowd, and I want to follow them but one woman stops me.

'I'm really sorry for your loss, Joshua.' She says and I'm trying to remember if I ever saw her at one of the fancy business dinners where dad used to take us once a week, when Amy and I were little. This brunette is wearing a short silk dress and doesn't bother to cover her bare shoulders with the white fur coat that is hanging to her pinkie.

'I was with him when he breathed for the last time.' The lady continues with a humble air, but her sparkling blue eyes do not let me believe her.

'I'm sorry, do I know you?'

'He never mentioned me?'

The blood in my veins is starting to boil.

'I don't understand.' I choose to say and try to remain calm.

'My name is Lorelai. I was your father's secretary for a long time and the only one to know about the disease, besides the doctors of course. I forced him to tell me, because I noticed his weak condition whenever he was coming at work. He even fainted once and I knew something was wrong.'

I feel Sunshine's arm resting over mine. I know she can feel my anger raising.

'Were you connected with him in other ways too?' I can't help to not ask and look straight into her eyes to see the truth. I just need to know if Sunny was right, if my dad was ever in love again.

Lorelai smiles.

'Yes. I insisted in telling you and your sister about it, but considering your relationship with him...'

'Please, don't act like you know something about me.'

I gently push Sunshine away and leave down the dark blue carpet designed on the ground. I decide to take the way to the grave by my own without waiting for the entire procession to join, but I hear someone running behind me and calling my name.

'Josh, wait. I'm coming with you.'

The redhead reaches out for me and struggles to braid her hair meanwhile. Her image, whatever she would do, makes me smile. A sudden feeling of regret surrounds me; her beautiful red hair, her diamond green eyes and her light skin, everything about her is so bright. The black dress she's wearing is contrasting with her being and makes her shine even more. I made her wear these clothes by asking her to come here, and I feel like I've darkened a part of her.

'Are you alright?' She asks me on a caring tone.

'You were right. Dad did fall in love with his secretary, and never even cared to tell us about it. I... wouldn't've cared, of course, but just for the information's sake.'

'You would've cared, because that's why you reacted like this. You probably would've accused your dad of failing your mom's memory, for moving on too easy or fast and other things.'

I stop walking.

'How do you know that?'

'You care so much, more than other people do, but you're also the one who expresses the least of it. You decide to shut up, get over everything that hurts you, because getting mad has never brought you anything good, right? So, you just hope everything will sink through the night, but at one point it will all come out again. And you'll be mad.'

Her calming voice is blending with the sounds of nature around us, the birds and the coming rain.

'This is why you have to talk and express what you feel. Don't hide.'

I look back and see the other people following us slowly to the grave, and then forward to see a few men digging a square hole.

'No matter how hard your sister is to bare, she is all you got left. No matter how hard it is to accept that, family comes first. Do something about it.'

I feel a few tears getting ready to show up on my cheek, but before I can let them go, Sunny is resting her head on my chest and puts her hands around me. I feel needed, not rejected, not pushed away. I let my arms embrace her waist and I start thinking about kissing her forehead or not. But then, her hands climb up to my face and slightly touch it, with the comfort of a mother. Her fingers cross my forehead, then get to my cheeks, nose, and lips.

'I wish I could see you.' She concludes and removes her hands off my face. I feel like she doesn't want me to see her emotional, but her touch convinces me otherwise. I feel butterflies all over my body.

How is it even possible for me to want to be around her all the time? To want to know everything there is to know about this girl that I met a week ago? She is fascinating me.

After everyone gathers around the coffin, the priest says a few words and then whispers the two grave-diggers to start covering the hole. The sound of land lumps hitting the wooden case is making Amy cover her mouth with a tissue and doing her best to keep her moaning quiet. But as the terrible sound increases, she falls down her knees, covering them in mud. As I hear her desperate scream, I finally understand she is human and she loved dad so much. I kneel next to her and take her hands in mine. She can't stop.

'Joshua... He didn't say a thing. And I didn't call either...' She mumbles on my shoulder, with her mouth full of tears.

'Sis, you gotta get up. They're all judging right now, the entire freaking crowd.' I whisper her back.

'You're just as insensitive as them. I still mean it.'

Again, her mood changes completely, and she becomes the selfish and cold appearence that she first was when we left home. And by saying that she still means it, I perfectly get that she still wishes I was in dad's place. Why wouldn't this whole masquerade just end already?

Amy gets up refusing my help, even though I see her looking very uncomfortable on her high heels. Like nothing happened, like no one is fixing her with a disappointed and disgusted face, she moves on and silently watches the coffin disappearing in the ground. My anger is turning into a sad madness that hurts even more. I now feel passive, thinking I could even break a few bones, but feeling my body weak and helpless.

I leave the procession behind me, as I run to one of the pavilions arranged for a quick meal after the funeral. Why would anyone feel the need to eat anything after burying a loved one? I can't cry. I can't let it out, because I don't know how to do it non-agressively. But my heart demands it; I squeeze the wooden railing between my fingers until they become white and I quietly hit them, as I try to reassure my mind. I can't make a scene.

I take a look back seeing Amy rushing to her car, followed by Lorelai. What in the world is happening?

'Amy, sweetheart. Listen to me, I could give everything you need, pay your bills, get your brother off your head...'

I hear the sound of the first plate breaking. Amy stops from trying to find the keys in her purse, Lorelai startles with a quick scream, and they both look at me terrified. I don't see them anymore. I only see my life scrolling before my eyes, my amazing moments with the person I loved the most, and how their memory was drowned by her death. I see how hated I am, how my sister is too selfish to let me inside her heart, how she treats me like I'm a nobody. I see in everyone's eyes judging the way I've changed.

The second plate is decomposed on the floor. Then comes the third, and the fourth. And I just don't feel anything anymore.

'Josh! Stop!' I hear Amy from a mile away, like the echo of a punishment.

'He is gonna break everything! Somebody stop him!' The people around me are shouting.

The entire set of plates is about to be shattered and I feel like I need even more to calm my anger. I scream, I don't know what. My mom's name, my dad's, mine. I need my kind self to come back again, the real Josh is drowned into a sea of toxic feelings, of regret and judgement. In the rivers of fear and heartache that I feel flowing out for the first time in a while, I hear Sunny's voice in the back of my mind.

'Josh...?'

I hear her clearly and I want to call her back, but I'm not out of the sea yet. I pull the tablecloth and tear it in two. I'm mad.

'Please, stop!' She begs for me and I hear her getting closer.

'Go away.' I find the strength to tell her as I catch my breath, because I don't want to hurt her.

'This is not what I meant when I said you need to let it out.'

I start breaking the glasses one by one, and suddenly notice the cars leaving, officially thinking I've gone mad. The broken glass is everywhere, and I feel my feet cracking it into particles on the floor. I close my eyes and try to breath deeply but I almost choke and I realise I'm also having a panick attack. My heart beats so fast that I don't know what to do. I can't breath. I turn the tables over and hear them rolling down the three stairs of the pavilion.

'Stop! You're scaring me!'

I look around me and see the mess I made. Then I see Sunshine's beautiful eyes worn out by my stupidity. I realise what an idiot I was to throw things around me without thinking she can't defend herself.

'Sunny...' The guilt hits me even more when I see her arm bleeding. I hurt her.

But she comes to me. She comes up the stairs, even though she is breathing hard.

'I'm so sorry, oh my God... I'm so sorry.' I start but her hug surprises me even more.

She holds me tight and that's the moment I start crying.

I love her.