The Day His Hope For Her Become Gray

"You did it on purpose, didn't you? You wanted to embarrass me like that? Why? Why did you steal my place? Are you seeking revenge because your mother scolded you because of me? Hey, answer me... William!"

"Eh? No... It's not like that, Beako. What do you mean?"

"Don't pretend to be ignorant in front of me! I know you are very intelligent to understand everything in an instant! But why did you have to outshine me? Why did you make me your shadow? Why did you make yourself shine in a place where I should be the one shining? Why? Why did you do it, William?"

"Shine? Make you a shadow? What do you mean? I never did that."

"Then why?"

"...ha?"

"Then why did you learn to play the piano? Hiks... Hiks... Waaaaa!"

After that, Beatrice started crying in front of me. And I still remember that day vividly.

I never expected that my intentions did not reach her heart. She instead saw my efforts from a different perspective and started accusing me.

"If only I didn't touch the piano that day. Would Beatrice not cry today?" That thought kept coming to my mind at that moment.

But as I thought like that, I was honest and said a sentence firmly and loudly.

"Beatrice... Why do you hate yourself?"

After I said that sentence, Beatrice looked shocked and then ran away from the club room. She would probably go home soon and leave me there that day.

After that, I covered my mouth and thought, "Why did I say that directly?"

But I already knew the answer from the beginning, I just didn't want to admit that reason that day. But now I can say it very clearly.

"I hate her for seeing the world from the opposite side."

The world i wanted she to see when I touched the piano was not a world full of jealousy and self-hatred. What I wanted was a world where she found someone she admired, which was myself.

But it seems I failed to make her admire me. Instead, I made her hate herself because of my futile efforts.

"Hey mom... What should I do when a girl cries because of her own mistakes?" I asked my mother after school that day.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean when that person cries and blames me as the one at fault. But actually, she cries only because of herself. She doesn't want to admit that she hates herself. That's why she blames me and makes herself believe that she actually hates me, not herself. What should I do with that person, mom?"

"I don't quite understand what you mean. But basically, the girl is the one at fault but she makes herself believe that you are the one at fault?"

"Yeah... something like that."

"Hmm... Your explanation is quite convoluted."

"Forgive me for not being a good teacher. But what I need now is your advice, not your criticism."

"Hmm... You're so cold! Why don't you smile at me? Laugh!"

"You know yourself that I can't smile. Even if I smile, I don't know if it's fake or real."

"It's because you rarely smile at others, that's why you seem stiff!"

"Enough, just give me advice. I will think about it another time."

"Hmm... You're right... How about apologizing?"

"Apologize? Me? Why? But I didn't do anything wrong."

"Is that person important to you?"

"Important person? I don't understand the meaning of the word 'important' you're referring to."

"Hmm... How should I explain it... Ha! Someone who makes you not want to lose them! Do you not want to lose that person in your life?"

"Yes... I think...," I answered quickly, but in truth, I was still unsure about it. But I knew that by doing so, my mother would give me an answer to my question.

"If that person is very important to you, why don't you apologize first? I think after that, she will realize her actions and also apologize to you. If her heart was good from the start, I believe that will happen."

I didn't really understand if Beatrice was important to me.

Since Beatrice poured out her true feelings to me, I realized that I had lost my fighting spirit. I lost my reason to keep playing music. And I also lost my desire and hope that I could get from her.

So if I were asked if Beatrice was very important to me, I might answer firmly that, "Beatrice is not important to me."

Because from the beginning, I touched the piano to make Beatrice become someone important and valuable to me.

"Friend...," maybe that's the word I wanted from her. But that hope vanished since that day.

In the end, I didn't follow my mother's advice. I thought apologizing to her while she still believed that she was hating me would only make our relationship worse. Even though in reality, it was already worse than the worst.

"That's her problem, there's no use in me helping her. Because the one who can help her wake up now is not me. Not me, not someone else, or anyone she knows, but she herself who can save herself from the delusion and ambiguous self-hatred," that thought kept coming every day. Hoping that Beatrice would succeed in fighting to love herself, I continued to act normally. Because if I acted differently from usual, I was afraid that my hope to her would only be a hope forever.

At least, that's all I could do to help her.

Every time we crossed paths, I would greet her with a smile.

"Yo... Beatrice..."

But she looked scared and avoided me every time. Every time she did that, I immediately remembered the first time she and I met when we were grown up enough and had thoughts as humans.

"Ah... Our relationship has returned to that time," I thought strangely when I realized that my efforts seemed futile.

And I started calling her Beatrice again, because I felt farther away from her. Since I realized that I was getting farther from her, I couldn't call her by her nickname "Beako" anymore.

Since then, I stopped music lessons.

"Ehh? Why did you suddenly stop?" My mother asked when I told her that I stopped music lessons.

"I'm bored..."

"Huh? You, I know you're a genius, but stop feeling bored when you have achieved something!"

"Yes... I will try."

"You... I won't give you any other lessons if you don't promise not to be like this again!"

"Yes, I understand, from the beginning I felt that maybe I wouldn't make an effort on anything anymore."

"What's wrong with you suddenly?"

"I told you... I'm bored."

"Huft... I don't understand what's on the mind of a genius child like you."

Forgive me, mother, at that time I couldn't be honest with you. Because actually, I wasn't bored, I was just tired. I was tired of being the center of attention from the jealousy and hatred of others.

After a few weeks passed, a miracle happened.

I never expected that Beatrice would apologize to me and admit her wrongdoings in front of me. I felt a little happy, but I no longer expected anything from her.

"If my hope didn't vanish that day, could I cry tears of joy and hug her now?" I thought while listening to Beatrice's apology.

Since then, she kept appearing in front of me in a strange way every time we met. Perhaps that was her way of redeeming herself to me. By being a cheerful and always energetic friend. Or maybe that was her true self.

I didn't know which was true, but at that time, I was sure that my hope for her had completely vanished. But I hoped for a different hope to arise one day.

Until today, I continue to wait for another hope, whether from someone else or from Beatrice herself. But my hope until today has never been fulfilled.

My true hope is just one simple thing. That hope is, "to enjoy life."

I don't care about anything or anyone, as long as I believe I can experience that feeling, I will continue to hope for something.