Drowning in her thoughts

Do you know that feeling when you were on top and suddenly you fall in drowned in the coldest water ,you can't even breathe or talk it's what I've been feeling lately.My deepest thoughts were screaming but not a single words would could come to my mouth. I remember when I used to believe in life, being optimistic about things and people now all I have is my knife and lighter. The truth is life is miserable, that's what I wish I could tell this man in front of me who is just trying to do his job to be my therapist, it's been exactly 5 months, I'm going to three sessions a week and I haven't said a word to him. At first when I started my sessions with Joshua he was trying to get me to talk or even write about how I felt that day my whole world collapsed in front of me, but now all look at each other for an hour till i get my freedom back. Since the tragedy I was forced by my mother and the police to go in therapy. I constantly relive that day in my head as I try to forget why I would want to talk about it and even worse to a stranger. to be honest, there are situations that are best left unspoken or heard .