Januar 2019

Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't so hang up on you.

You never said that you love me. But you showed it, at least that is how I see the thing that you do. For many people these things are just acts of kindness, but they don't know you.

I know you. You aren't a nice person, quite opposite. You're extremely selfish, arrogant, mean. But not towards me. You like to mess with me, but never in a mean way.

You make me crazy. But I know that's because you're scared. I make you better, I understand you. And that scares the shit out of you. I see it in the way you text me, cold, distant, like you don't care about me. But when you see me, your behavior is totally different.

Why do you hold me so tight? why do you always kiss me a thousand times before you go?

Why can't you just made up your mind?

Why do you always make me feel this way? Why can't you stay?

I won't wait forever.

But I guess you won't either. I didn't ask you the last time when we were together, but I still wonder.... Are you still engaged? Do you love her in the way I think you love me? Or do you love neither of us?

But that can't be love. You can't love her if you're always coming back to me.

But sadly that doesn't mean that you love me.

Maybe we're just so used to it by now. 5 years. That's a long time.

Or maybe we're just heavy smokers, stuck on each others breath.

Or maybe this isn't something deep. Maybe you just like my body.

You see what you do to me? You make me question everything I know about myself.

I guess you were right when you said that I'll never know myself the way you know me.