February 2019(dark)

It's so weird how my thinking changes day to day. Yesterday I was fine, you didn't even cross my mind. Today I'm feeling so down.

You texted me this morning if I'm still sick. I told you that I felt better, but not entirely.

You then said that I should just tell you the truth, and I did. I told you that I was feeling fine.

And then you never replied. And now its seven in the evening, and I'm waiting for you because you made it seem like you would come today, if I was fine.

I showered, shaved... and waited for your reply, but the text never came.

And I felt so sick, so sick and fat and unwanted.

I try to make myself throw up, so that if you came, I would be skinnier. But I'm still waiting.

And I know you aren't going to come today, but why does my heart keep hoping? Why do I always gave you the opportunity to hurt me?

Why don't I just blow you off? forever?

I was thinking about killing myself today. Because I know that you don't love me in the way that I love you.

I was looking at scissors, but then I couldn't do it.

I wished that I could. I wished that you disappeared from my life.

I was sitting near the toilet, forcing my fingers in my mouth to puke, grabbing scissors and putting them to my wrist, while shaking and crying.

But I couldn't do it. And I was so angry with myself.

Why couldn't I just end all of it?

Am I so weak?