12| Make selection

I've been staring at the computer for minutes or maybe hours now. I assume the computer as well glares back at me as it awaits my fingers to type furiously on the keyboard but I can't.

I just....I can't, I can't, I can't.

I can't concentrate on my job, on my chores, on my duties, on what am met and supposed to do. It's just too difficult and complicated for me right now.

Everything around me is tumbling and trembling down. My world is turning upsidedown.

I can't believe am crying now. Tearing up like I just lost my love one.

Everytime or anytime I flashback on my life history especially how I ended up in this thing called a marriage....I just feel like killing myself. How on earth did I got into it?

Why did my father agreed and handed me to this family?

I understand I've never shared or talked about what am passing through with anyone. Not in my family nor in the family am married into.

My life is such a pain.

Everyday.....I feel like salts are being added to my soils. I feel like am being stabbed in a particular spot over and over again. I don't want to be another version of my mother who left her marriage because she couldn't save it.

You may think I need counseling but I think the counselor needs me than I do. Many women don't undergo whatever am facing right now before making a drastic decision to leave their marital home. But....I don't.

I can't deny the fact that I still love Leo but he doesn't love me in return. In return, his feelings for me are just covered with hatred.

I don't know how to conclude this but I can't risk my chance of fixing my marriage. Am always scared whenever am heading home because I know it's always war.

I have no freedom of my own.

Is this what people needs to go through in life before getting to understand their partners?

Right from the time I was growing up, I said to myself that the man whom I'll marry will be the only one to see my nakedness and nobody else.

If I divorce Leo.....? What do you think?

That the man I'll marry again in the future won't come close to me to touch me?

Apart from that.

Marrying twice is never in my linage. It doesn't flow in my veins neither is it written in my dictionary.

Between a therapist and a counselor, I don't need any because I know the rightful answer to my problem.

A divorce.

I don't want to push the button first. If Leo gives the lead..., Then, I'll follow.

If I leave Leonardo, I swear never to date or marry any other man again. With what I've faced and experienced in marriage, I don't think LOVE would flink me ever again. My priorities right now are my kids first to start with.

If I leave....I leave with my kids.

Oh God, no one knows how these things keeps bothering me in my heart.

I still love this man. I want to keep our wedding vows. To tell him how much I am as a strong woman who can bare anything at any cost.

Heaven knows am not with him for his money or whatever material things he has, or because of the type of hard sex he gives me. I understand we never fell in love from the very start but it's my fault I fell for him first. All my feelings for him are real. The difference is that, I just keep hiding them every single day because I don't want him to see me as CHEAP or makes him think I've gone psych which officially, I know I am.

My kids are too young to have distance parents and families. I want unity to reign in my home and I want to be a good symbol and lay good examples and roles for my daughters. Though I don't wish them any of what am going through right now. I don't want the world to think I repeated patterns like my mother. She and my father had something in the past. A deep misunderstanding that's too mysterious and complicated to talk about. It lead to their divorce. Both couples parted ways, back then I was just five. Same age as my baby Isabella.

You see. The number one reason why I don't want to quit my marriage no matter the situation.

These patterns do happen alot and people will only assume you're being cursed or it appeared to be in my family's lineage.

I'm tired of Leo hitting me everytime like am his worse enemy but I still have to be strong. I know he won't be like this forever. He'll definitely change but I hope it's never too late.

I've been facing this torment for twelve years of our marriage now and still counting.

The last slap he gave to me caused a big scar at the left hand side of my chin. It also broke my glasses and I had to get my spare this morning. Making it the number 20th glasses he has destroyed on my face.

His family are so nice to me, especially his mom. I haven't said anything to her that's why she assumes and suspects nothing.

Everytime, I always cover up for my husband, my marriage for EVERYTHING! His cousins, friends and loved ones, all loves me. They compliment me as the best wife any man could get. Some even wish they could meet a woman as me.

And if you ask me what I say?

I just smile back in return, knowing that Leo watches my lips and every moves.

I sniffed my nose, wiping my eyes when I heard footsteps approaching my door.

I took a deep breath and rested my arms on the desk as I pretend to begin my work.

"Hello girl!" Alyssa screamed so loud almost bursting my eardrums as she waves the back of her left hand in front of me. I agree I just saw something shining like a ring on the middle finger. "Guess what? He proposed to me!" She squealed again.

"Oh wow," That was the only thing that could come out of my bitterness so fast. I reached for her hand, rubbing it as I try to hide my sad expression. "It's so beautiful. Never thought the blind date would lead to something like this."

"Yes!" She beamed, giggling excitedly as she retrieved her hand and took a seat across my desk. "He took it so serious!"

"How come I missed out of the gists?" I placed one hand under my chin, giving her attention. "You never shared anything with me about this guy since you both met. I mean..." I shrugged, chuckling. "I don't even know him. Like, since how long have you guys been dating?"

She clasped her fingers together, giving me pitiful puppy eyes. "Aww, so sorry, girlfriend. It happened so soon." We both laughed. But mine was indeed sweet for her and sour for myself.

"So..., Who's this guy? Is he hot?" I flashed my brows at her with gritted teeth.

She dramatically flicked a strand of hair behind her ear and proudly answered, "He is not just hot but burning red on the bed."

I gasped, covering my mouth with both hands. "You won't make heaven, Alyssa. Trust me. I can't believe you've fucked him so soon."

She laughed hard. "Come on, baby girl. It's the trick. And you know what?"

"What?"

She placed one hand beside her mouth and said in a tone that sound like a whisper, "He is a single father with two male kids which are ten years old, identically twins. Aged? 40—" When I frowned and mouthed 'A MAN OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR FATHER, ALYSSA? She added. "Minus 10 plus 1 equals to 31!" She clapped her hands furiously with a wide smile like a genius kid.

I place one hand on my chest, letting out a deep breath of relief like I was her mother. "You almost gave me an high blood pressure."

"Come on, babe." She started admiring her nails. "Get a grip. How do you see me? That am that cheap to go after a baby papa? Or a pot belly politician?"

I waved warning finger at her with a deadpan look. Don't play such expensive jokes with me again, Alyssa. "Am very happy for you." Then I began to type things into my computer. "But you haven't told me how he ended up being a single dad. What if the ex-wife bumps on you and—"

"Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Oh you mean from the grave?" She chuckled, fidgeting with my pen. "She's long dead after the birth of the twins, psych. Which makes him a widower."

"Do you believe him?" She paused, that was when I noticed her weird expression of WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? "Well, pardon me, honey but men.....are liars and scums." I place one hand on my chest again and whispered to her, "Am talking out of experience."

With all the vows Leo made to me before the holy altar, he never fulfilled any of them till date. Isn't that counted to be a lie? He lied to me about the promises of loving me in good and bad till death do us part. But he keeps doing the opposite.

"You're right but I have to pretend like he's on the right side until I get to meet his family in full."

Oh wow, she haven't even known him that well. What the hell is wrong with my best friend?

Few days ago, she told me she was going on another blind date which was the 11th blind date she was having and I wished her luck and today, she's coming to share the good news of her upcoming wedding.

Whoa.

Fate never gave me such chance to make selection. I'd have rebuked Leo if we had dated.

"What's his occupation?" I finally found my voice again.

"Um, he's a bank manager of the city bank."

I wanted to say something but just then, my phone buzzed. I picked it up. "Just a sec," I told Alyssa before swiping to the green signal. "Hello— what?! Oh my God, how come? Where? When—? Okay, am coming right away."

When Alyssa saw how worried I was as I got up and began to pack up my things, her brows furrowed. She too got confused and stood up, "What's the matter? Where are you going? Who was that on the phone?"

Tears gathered in my eyes as I vomit the word, "Leo was shot this morning."

Alyssa threw her hands in her mouth, eyes bugged like a frog.

With all the bodyguards around him, I still don't know how a bullet succeeded in piercing into him. I have to go see him now.