78. Read Aloud

Read Aloud

Lincoln: Guys, you're not gonna believe this! The library's having a contest. We can win an entire night at Spunk E. Pigeon's! [shows his family the flyer for the contest.]

[Transition to a commercial for the place.]

Announcer: [narrating] Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! Starring your favorite video games! Your favorite toppings! And your favorite hits!

Spunk E. [metallic tone] Ooh, girl, if I could-

Anamatronic Fish: Ooh, girl

Spunk E. and Fish: Give you the world, girl

Announcer: Spunk E. Pigeon's Pizza Palooza Paradise! You'll lose your mind!

[End commercial]

Sisters and parents: [excited] YOU MEAN ALL OF IT?!

Lincoln: Yeah! All to ourselves! We just have to read as many books as we can as a family.

Laney: Finally! A test of my wonderful reading skills!

Lynn Sr.: Well, hot dog, kids! We've got some reading to do!

Rita: To the library!

Lisa: [worried] Uh-oh. My overdue fines!

[Everyone starts heading out the door.]

Everyone except Lola: [chanting] Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon! Spunk E. Pigeon!

Lola: [nonchalantly] Reading, huh?

[Lincoln's expression changes to one of shock.]

Loud Family minus Lola: [chanting inside] The library! The library! The library!

Librarian Wetta: Shh!

Rita: [quietly] Whoops! Hush tones, kids.

Lynn Sr.: Hut hut!

[The family spreads out all over the library and goes to get their books. Laney walks through the library and looks at the books]

Laney: Let's see. [takes a book] "Life in The Navy"? [Takes the book back] No. [Takes another one] "Kiss Me in New York"? [Takes the book back] Never liked romance. [Finds a certain book and gasps] "John Ruby and the Strange Time Capsule"?! My favorite mystery series! [Runs over to the librarian] Oh, miss Wetta. I'd like to check this book out.

Librarian Wetta: Ah. A "John Ruby" book huh?

Laney: Yeah, I'm a bit of a fan. [Librarian Wetta checks out Laney's book]

Librarian Wetta: Here you go. [Gives the book back to Laney and as she leaves she notices Lisa wearing a cowboy hat and a mustache]

Laney: Huh?

Librarian Wetta: [suspicious] You look familiar.

Lisa: Oh, uh- [fake Texan accent] No, ma'am. I'm brand new to these here parts.

Laney: [Thoughts] Really, Lisa?

Librarian Wetta: Hmm...I swear I've seen you somewhere before.

[The rest of the family comes in with a plethora of books to check out.]

Librarian Wetta: [on desk phone] Emilio, I'm gonna need backup.

[Back home]

Lincoln: What did you get from the library, Lola? [Lola shows him a roll of stickers.] Stickers? Uh, I'm not sure those count as something to read.

Lola: Hmph. Reading's boring.

Lincoln: No, it's not. And we can't win the pizza party unless everyone in the family reads at least one book.

Lola: Well, tough tiaras, 'cause I'm not gonna do it! [goes upstairs]

Luna: Dudes, Lola's gonna blow our pizza party! What are we gonna do?

Lucy: Easy. We chain her up in the attic and tell the librarian she never existed. Lana just has to pretend she has a split personality.

Lana: I can do it!

Lynn Sr.: [unsure] Seems a little extreme?

Rita: [shakes her husband] Honey, there's pizza at stake here!

Laney: No! Isn't there another way we can get Lola to read?

Lincoln: Maybe there is. You heard Lola; she just thinks that reading is boring. So we need to help her see that it's not.

Rita: You're right. That makes more sense. [whispers to Lucy] Just in case, keep your chains handy.

[The kitchen. Lynn Sr. is reading the cookbook he checked out as Lola comes in.]

Lynn Sr.: [stagily excited] Whoa! You can make pancakes with just eggs and a banana? Boy, I tell ya, these cookbooks are a nonstop thrill ride. You wanna read one?

Lola: [with a bowl from the fridge] No. But when you've made those pancakes, give me a holler. Lola out. [leaves for the dining room]

Luan: [stagily laughing] This book is a hoot! I'm gonna have to get some ice for my knees, I've been slapping them so hard! Care to read one?

Lola: Sorry. Mom says I do too much slapping already. And biting. And shin kicking. And hair pulling. [leaves]

[Laney walks over to Lola holding her book]

Laney: Wow! I just came back from reading the latest "John Ruby' book. And It blew my mind! Especially the part where it was revealed in the picture frame John found in the principal's desk that... Oh, look at me being a spoiler. Wanna read it yourself?

Lola: No thank you. Mysteries hurt my brain.

[Upstairs, Lana is fixing up Lola's car with the aid of her mechanic manual.]

Lana: All fixed! It is amazing what you can learn from these auto repair books. Wanna read one, Lola?

Lola: Why? That's what I pay you for. [tosses Lana a sack] Eight crickets, as agreed. [goes to her room, puts her bowl on her tea party table and sits down.] Ugh.

[Lucy appears right behind her.]

Lucy: Hey, Lola. [Lola yelps and falls out of her seat.] Wanna check out volume one of the greatest romance of all time? He's a dark, brooding vampire. She's a misunderstood girl from the wrong side of the cemetery.

Lola: No thank you. I prefer Prince Charming to Prince Alarming.

[Enter Lincoln dressed as Ace Savvy.]

Lincoln: Well, how about volume one of the greatest crime-fighting duo of all time? He's an undercover hero with an ace up his sleeve. [holds up the Ace of Spades on cue.] His sidekick is-

Lola: Ugh! Stop! [shoves Lucy and Lincoln out of her room.] For the last time, I am not interested in reading any of your books!

Lincoln: We were going about this all wrong! Of course Lola's not interested in any of our books. We need to find ones that are right for her.

[The others agree with that statement. Lola is in the basement steam pressing her dress when Lincoln pops his head out of the mannequin.]

Lincoln: Hey, Lola! I know you don't want to read about Ace Savvy, but this time I have something that's perfect for you: the Bossy Twins! [gives Lola a Bossy Twins book.] They're first graders just like you and Lana, and they solve mysteries!

Lola: [looking at the cover; snidely] Do they ever solve the mystery of who gave them those hideous haircuts?

[Lincoln looks frustrated. Lola is making tea on the dining room table when Lincoln pops up.]

Lincoln: Hey, Lola, I've got the perfect book for you! It'll answer all of your burning questions about tea party etiquette.

Lola: [scoffs] I don't have any questions. I'm an expert.

Lincoln: Oh yeah? [opens a page] Do you know the proper serving temperature for Earl Grey?

Lola: 208 degrees Fahrenheit.

[Lincoln looks it up and, judging by the look on his face, finds out she's right. Lola is now watching TV and Lincoln pops up with another book.]

Lincoln: "Frankie the Friendly Fairy"?

Lola: Pass. I'm into unicorns now.

Lincoln: Aha! Then you love... [takes out another book] ..."Unicorn Universty"!

Lola: I've already seen the movie. Ugh. That's 99 minutes I'll never get back. [gets up and walks away] Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta tinkle.

[Lincoln goes upstairs and blocks the bathroom door.]

Lincoln: Come on, Lola! The contest ends tomorrow and you're letting everyone down! I'm not moving until you agree to read a book!

Lola: [reluctantly grabs one] Fine. Just give me the princess one. [goes into the bathroom and shuts the door.]

[The library]

Loud Family: WE'RE FINISHED!

Rita: The Loud Family would like to report 260 books read.

Librarian Wetta: Very impressive. The next highest family total is 23, and the contest ends at 5:00. [adds the Louds' name and total to the board in the lead.] You've got this wrapped up.

[The Louds cheer except Lola.]

Librarian Wetta: I'll just need you all to prove you read the books by giving you a book-by-book quiz.

Lynn Sr.: [determined] We're ready for anything!

Librarian Wetta: [takes Lynn Sr.'s cookbook.] You. Bread crust in a meatloaf: how much?

Lynn Sr.: Half a cup!

Librarian Wetta: Very good! [takes Lori's mystery novel] You! Twist ending! Go!

Lori: So, it turns out it wasn't even a student running the blog, it was a teacher! And he literally tried to frame Gabby with a laptop in her-

Librarian Wetta: That's enough. Very good. [takes Lily's book on animal sounds.] Now, what does the cow say?

Lily: Moo!

Librarian Wetta: Very good! [takes Lincoln's Ace Savvy book.] Ace Savvy's real name?

Lincoln: Spade Nifty!

Librarian Wetta: [with Rita's book] What time was Mr. Darcy's party?

Rita: 8:00 PM sharp!

Librarian Wetta: [with Lisa's science book.] Einstein's wives?

Lisa: [still in her cowboy disguise and accent.] Mileva, 1903-1919. Elsa, 1919-1936...y'all.

Librarian Wetta: [with Lana's auto repair manual.] Four-stroke engine cycle consists of-

Lana: Intake, compression, power, exhaust!

Librarian Wetta: [with Luan's joke book.] Sis boom bah!

Luan: The sound made when a sheep explodes!

Librarian Wetta: [with Luna's rock music history book.] Mick Swagger owes his entire career to-

Luna: Delta blues musician Murky Bottoms!

Librarian Wetta: [with Leni's fashion history book.] Fashion began with-

Leni: Charles Frederic Worth! First to sew a label!

Librarian Wetta: [with Lynn's sport history book.] The greatest of all time?

Lynn: Muhammad Ali! Also prettiest!

Librarian Wetta: [With Laney's Mystery Novel] Why was the picture of John's missing parents found in the principal's desk?

Laney: Principal Davidson used to work for them before the slime incident. In which he had a hand in.

Librarian Wetta: [with Lucy's romance novel.] The night the vampire cried?

Lucy: Trick question. He cried every night.

Librarian Wetta: Well, I am impressed. Clearly you've done all the work. No need to quiz you on the rest.

Lola: Phew.

Librarian Wetta: Oh, wait. We missed one family member. That's you, sweetie. [takes Lola's princess book] Tell me about Princess Martha and what she wore on her head.

Lola: [nervous] Oh, uh...she was a princess, all right. Oh yeah. It was a crown! She wore a crown. On her head. Crown. Final answer.

Librarian Wetta: True, but what was so interesting about it?

Lola: Oh. Uh, it was interesting 'cause...it was made of...chocolate?

Librarian Wetta: [puzzled] Chocolate?

Lola: [irritated] What is this, an interrogation?!

Librarian Wetta: Little girl, did you even read this book?

Lola: No! I didn't read it!

[The rest of the family gasps.]

Librarian Wetta: The rules officially say that every member has to read at least one book. Little girl, I'm afraid if you didn't read this book, your entire family is out.

[Librarian Wetta erases the Loud family's spot on the board and they groan at Lola for her blunder.]

Lola: I told you I didn't wanna do this stinking challenge! [walks away]

Leni: [devastated] Huh, so long, Spunk E. Pigeon!

Luan: Yeah! I'd like to give Lola a pizza my mind! But seriously, she ruined everything.

Laney: I don't understand it! Why would Lola not read a book?

Lincoln: Guys, wait! Remember, Librarian Wetta said the contest closes at 5:00. [checks his watch] It's only 3:00. We still have two hours!

Lori: What about Lola? There's literally no point if she won't participate.

Lincoln: Leave everything to me. I'll get her to read that book by 5:00.

Laney: Mee too! If Lola's too stubborn to read a book, there's gotta be a reason. And I'm gonna find out what!

[The rest of the family is leaving Lola, Laney, and Lincoln at the library.]

Leni: You got this.

Lisa: We'll be back in two hours.

[Vanzilla drives off]

Lincoln: Alright, what's the deal, Lo? Won't you just read one book?

Lola: Ugh! [mockingly] Won't you just read one book? No! I won't!

Lincoln: Well, why the heck not?

Lanye: Don't you understand how much pizza is at stake here?

Lola: Okay, guys, I guess it's time I told you the truth. [beat] I just don't like pizza.

Laney: Seriously?

[Lincoln suddenly recalls photographic memories of Lola actually liking pizza, such as her eating a slice on the table, tucking a slice into her toy bed like a doll, kissing a pizza box, and fighting Charles over a slice.]

Lincoln: [doubtful] Yeah, not buying that. I know you don't like reading books, but everyone's counting on you. It's time to be a team player.

Lola: Well, I'm not moving. So, good luck getting me back in there.

[Lincoln and Laney bring Lola inside the library by pushing her on a book cart.]

Lola: NOOOOOOOOO!

[Now Lola is on the floor.]

Lincoln: Alright, you're not leaving until you read this whole book in front of me. [gives her the princess book]

Laney: Don't be so hard on her Lincoln! [Kneels down to Lola's level] Come on, Lola. Take it from me when I say reading is a wonderful experience. Maybe you'll understand it better in a form of a song.

Lola: Please don't...

Laney: [Sings]

You may think books are boring and mild,

But it makes your imagination run wild!

You can be whatever you want to be my dear child.

In your case, you could a princess,

Longing for a prince to bless,

'Cause that's how amazing books can be,

Take it me!

All you got do, is read!

Sure, you'd rather watch TV all day, When you can read the day away.

There's there fun in the pages than a shiny screen.

Lincoln: [sings]

You can learn a lot from reading these things,

Like cooking, buildng, even how to sing.

Laney: [sings]

It all comes down to using your head,

Just say the words and you'll see what I mean.

Lincoln and Laney: [Singing]

So now you see the importance of books,

There is more to it than the looks.

Open one up and you'll have everything you'll need!

And all you have to do is reeaaaaaaaaaaaad!

Librarian Wetta: Shh!

Lincoln and Laney: Sorry.

[Throughout the song, Laney and Lincoln toured around the library showing Lola books about princesses, pirates, spacemen, superheroes, cooking, and how to sing. And imagining what it would like to be in the story]

Laney: So. What do you think? Reading to give it a try? [Hand Lola her book]

Lola: Wow, Laney. I never realized how important reading is. I guess all can say is... [Points the other way] BOOKS!

Laney and Lincoln: [turn around] Where? [realizes Lola distracted them and ran away.]

Lincoln: Dang it!

Laney: I told you the ad-libbing won't work! We rehearsed this!

Lincoln: We never rehearsed this. [sees her running past a shelf.] Hey, get back here! [gives chase]

Lola: I told you, I ain't reading, okay?! [comes to a dead end]

Laney: We got you now!

Lola: Like heck! [attacks Lincoln and Laney]

Laney: Please Lola. Just read a book already! I want pizza!

Lincoln: Is it that hard to read one measly book?!

Lola: Yes, it is!

[The fight stops]

Lincoln: [surprised] Wait, what?

Lola: [sad] It's too hard for me to read, so I never do.

Laney: Wait. You mean you... can't read? [Lola sadly nods] That's terrible.

Lola: Don't you think I wanna read about American princesses and unicorns and the bossy twins, even if they have terrible hair?

Lincoln: What if we helped you?

Lola: "Are you sure? I'm so slow. And we don't have much time. Doesn't it end at 5:00?"

Lincoln: [looks at his watch to see that it's now 4:00pm.] We'll get through it together. And you'll see, the more you read, the easier it gets. Come on, sis. I'll show ya.

[He and Laney take Lola to show her how to read.]

[The library's study room]

Lola: [trying to read the book] O-o-once...yew...

Lincoln: You got it! Once uh-puh...

Lola: Upon! Once upon a t-t-t...okay, this word looks weird.

Lincoln: Sound it out. There's the T, so "tuh". Then I...

Lola: Tuh...I...oh, time! Time! Once upon a time.

[Lincoln looks at the clock to see it's a quarter to 5:00. Soon, the clock changes to 5:00pm, the deadline.]

Lola: [still reading] And-and... [sees the time] Oh, Lincoln, it's 5:00 o'clock! What are we gonna do?

Lincoln: Don't worry about that. Let's finish reading.

[Later]

Lola: [reading] And they lived hap-pee-lee...ever... [gasps] Happily ever after! The end! [closes book] I can't believe it! I read a whole book! [hugs Lincoln and Laney] Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

Laney: [hugs back] Don't mention it, Lola. I'm just you finally know how to read.

[They step out of the study room.]

Lincoln: So proud of you, sis.

[The rest of the family is right there angry for missing the deadline.]

Luna: Guys, it's 5:30! The contest ended half an hour ago!

Lincoln: [taking blame] Totally our fault. It's just so quiet here. I must've fallen asleep.

Laney: Yeah, I got distracted with a few books myself. [Holds up her mystery novel]

Lori: Well, you literally blew it.

Lynn: Lincoln, Laney, you lost the contest for all of us!

Lincoln: Yeah, we know.

Laney: We're sorry.

Lola: Wait. Stop, guys. [to the family] This is my fault. They pent the whole time helping me to read, 'cause, well, it's hard for me. But I like it now. And I'm going to keep practicing because it's not as hard as I thought!"

[The rest of the family apologizes and forgives Lola.]

Lana: We're so sorry.

Lola: It's okay. I'm sorry I cost Spunk E. Pigeon for you guys.

Rita: Aw, sweetie, that doesn't matter now.

Lisa: Yes. The important thing is that you're now able to enjoy the wonders of literacy. [takes off her disguise]

Librarian Wetta: [furious] I knew I recognized that voice! The one with the fines!

Lisa: [aware she's busted] Peace out! [flees]

[The Spunk E. Pigeon commercial is playing again.]

Spunk E. [metallic tone] Ooh, girl, if I could-

Spunk E. and Anamatronic Skunk: Ooh, girl, give you the, world, girl

Announcer: The fuzz-a-rockin' explodaganza appears every six minutes!

[The family is watching it]

Laney: Maybe this is for the best. Those animatronics really creep me out.

Leni: You know, this commercial is so realistic, I totally smell pizza.

[They all sniff around and find the smell to be coming from Lola's room which is packed with toy ovens. Lola is in a chef's outfit and reading one of her dad's cookbooks.]

Lola: Hey, guys! Now that I can read, I thought I'd make us all some pizza! Pepperoni's in the oven, and next up is... [looks at the book] ...pineapple!

[The timer goes off much to the family's delight. Later, everyone is eating Lola's pizza.]

Rita: Well, isn't this just great?

Lincoln: Just as good as Spunk E. Pigeon's!

Laney: Hey. I woner where Lisa is?

Librarian Wetta: [off-screen] GET BACK HERE!

[The family looks out the window and notices that Lisa is running away from Librarian Wetta.]

Lisa: [cackling] YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, WETTA!

Librarian Wetta: [giving chase] YOU OWE ME $50,000!