64. Potty Mouth

Potty Mouth

[In the living room, while everyone is going about their business, Lily is watching TV and giggling. Enter Rita and Lynn Sr.]

Rita: We're off to the mall, kids!

Leni: [extremely excited] The mall?! [picks up phone] Let me clear my schedule for the day! [starts pressing] Delete, delete, delete, delete-[realizes] "Oh. Oops. This is your phone, Lori.

Lori: Ugh. [takes her phone back]

Rita: Sorry, sweetie. This is just gonna be a quick trip. Dr. Shuttleworth of the Shuttleworth Daycare Academy is coming over today to interview us and Lily, and your father needs an appropriate tie.

Lynn Sr.: [wearing a tie with a British royal guard] But still one that has some personality.

Rita: But mostly one that's appropriate.

Lynn Sr.: Gasp! I say!

Rita: Honey, we have to put our best foot forward! This daycare academy is really, really in demand. We have been on the waiting list since I was pregnant...with Lori.

Lynn Sr.: [acting mature] Well, I hope you kids appreciate the sacrifices I make for you.

Rita: The interview's in an hour. Try not to destroy the house.

[The parents leave]

Lynn: [with the remote] Oops! Sorry, Lily. Gotta change the channel. It's time for Operation Dessert Storm!

[The others get excited; Lynn changes the channel to the aforementioned show.]

Lily: Dannit!

[Her siblings gasp in horror and a picture frame falls off the wall.]

Lucy: Did Lily just say the "D" word?

Luan: Where the heck would she have learned that?

Laney: Probably from you guys.

Lori: What? No way! Why would you think that?

Laney: Well, let's see...

[Flashback to countless times the kids have said the word. Lana is fixing Charles' doghouse and hits her finger with her hammer. Lola's princess car comes by honking as Lana shouts the word, canceling out the sound. Lana notices Lily next to her and covers her mouth, realizing what happened. Lola crashes her car into a tree and the airbag's deployment sound cancels out her saying the word. Lily appears behind the tree babbling and Lola covers her mouth. Cut to Lisa singing on her headphones.]

Lisa: You're less than Pluto, not even a planet / When you hear my fresh rhymes, you gonna say-

[She steps on a squeaky toy on the word that rhymes with "planet", which Lily seemed to have noticed. She covers her mouth. Segue to Lori and Leni in the laundry room fighting over a sweater.]

Lori: It's my sweater!

Leni: No it's not, Lori! It's mine!

Lori: Bobby gave it to me for our second anniversary!

[Both of them pull the sweater so hard, it tears in half. They shout the "D" word at the moment the washing machine buzzes. Lily pops out of the laundry basket, and the two oldest sisters cover their mouths upon seeing her. Transition to Lincoln playing a Wii styled game. Because he wasn't wearing the wrist strap, he tosses the Wiimote at the TV, which causes it to crash and shatter, its sound dubbing over Lincoln's swearing. He then notices Lily on the sofa and covers his mouth. Next is Lynn practicing her baseball pitches into her soccer net. One ball bounces off her head and lands in their neighbor's yard. A lawn mower sound is heard, indicating it shredded the ball. Lynn screams with the mower's sound being too loud to hear her say the word. Lily opens the window and Lynn covers her mouth upon noticing her. Luna is tuning her guitar string, but it breaks. She screams with a guitar riff dubbing over her scream. Lily appears behind her amplifier and she covers her mouth. End flashback.]

Lily's Siblings: [embarrassed] Oh, right.

Leni: But Laney. You said it too.

Laney: What? No. I never swear a day in my life.

Lori: Oh yeah? How about the time you were playing Joonga?

[Flashback to Laney stacking blocks in the dining room, she was standing on the top of a chair but then she fell down to the ground. She screams while the blocks fell down, cancelling her swearing. She then notices Lily behind her and Laney covered her mouth in shock. End flashback]

Lynn: And the time you were reading that mystery novel?

[Flashback to Laney reading a mystery novel in the backyard]

Laney: [reads] The Tackback boys were on our trail, we needed a way to lose them. Luckily I came equipped with a bag of marbles which I used to give those goons the slip. As we got away, we could hear Big Geno cry- [A truck came by and the horn drowned out Laney's swearing.] Wow, so many swears in this book. Good thing no one was around to hear it. [She gets up and sees Lily beside her. She gasped in shock and covers her mouth. End Flashback]

Luna: And then there was the time you were playin' shakespere.

[Flashback to Laney in her room wearing a renaissance attire while pointing a salad fork at a balloon]

Laney: Begone cretin! Thou art haunted me for ages and thine end is near! You oppose to me to part my marriage in twain? Well, to that I say- [She pops the balloon, which the sound cancels out the swear. She sees Lily clapping and Laney drops the fork and covers her mouth. End flashback. Laney is trembling in fear]

Laney: [worried] O. M. Gosh!

Lincoln: [puts his hand on Laney's shoulder] It's alright, Laney. You didn't mean to- [Laney slaps his hand away from her]

Laney: No! It's not alright! Do you know what this means?!

Lori: Yeah. Lily's important daycare interview's coming up. If she says that word, she won't get into school.

Laney: More than that! I haven't been a good influence on her! And If someone's not showing Lily right from wrong, she'll grow up to be a bad foul mouthed hooligan run from the law! [Buries her face on her hands] Just like the Tackback Boys...

Lisa: [off-screen] Siblings, I have the solution. [wearing a surgeon outfit; takes out tongs] A quick, painless removal of the vocal cords. Well, mostly painless.

Lisa's Sisters: [save Lily; defiantly] NO!

Lincoln: I have an idea. If Lily imitates our behavior, let's just give her some better behavior to imitate.

Lisa: I'm going to remain scrubbed in, just in case.

Lincoln: Okay, everybody know their part? [The sisters nod] Good. We've got one hour before the interview. Operation Delete the "D" Word is a go!

[The sisters take their positions. Laney runs to her room and finds her mystery novel]

Laney: Okay! First things first, remove anything that has swears in it and don't do anything to say the swears. [Picks up her book and flips through the pages and uncomfortable looking at the contents] Oh.. so many swears... [throws away the book] Okay, I won't read that. [Finds a comic book in her shelf] Ah! Maybe a wholesome comic book? [reads through the book and was shocked to see what's in it] Ack! This must one of Lucy's books. [puts the book back] Okay no books then, I'll just do something that won't make me say a swear. But what? [thinks for a moment then gets and Idea] I got it!

[Time-skip to Lincoln coming to Laney's room while holding Lily]

Lincoln: Laney, you're- wha? [Sees Laney meditating on a rug with candles around it] What are you doing?

Laney: Meditation, dear brother. I figure the only way I make sure I don't swear in front of Lily is if I'm in a nice quiet place. [does some yoga poses] Care to join me brother?

Lincoln: Uh. No thanks... [Laney continues her yoga] Doesn't your back hurt form doing that?

Laney: The soothing yoga allows me to not feel any pain. [As she does a handstand, she slips and lands on one of the candles] Oof! Uh, heh. Slipped.

Lincoln: [sniffs] What's that smell?

Laney: Oh. [blushes in embarassment] Pardon me. It's totally normal, I'm just letting it all out.

Lincoln: Not that. [points] That! [Laney sees the smoke coming from her butt and realizes she's sitting on a candle and her pants start to catch fire]

Laney: AAAAAAAAHHH! [runs around, Lily laughs] PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!

[Lincoln runs to the bathroom and grabs a cup if water. He then throws the water at Laney's pants, dousing the flame. She feels relieved until she slips on the water and falls on the ground]

Laney: [Holding back her and anger] DAAAA-ts just part of my meditation.

Lily: He he he ha ha. [Lincoln gives Laney a thumbs up]

Rita: [off-screen] Kids, we're home! Bring Lily down, please! Interview is in five minutes!

[The kids regroup]

Lori: Do you think it worked?

[Lily babbles happily and her siblings smile and each give a thumbs up; downstairs.]

Rita: You are so handsome in your new tie.

Lynn Sr.: [wearing an ordinary tie; upset] Well, I would have preferred the one with the bird playing the saxophone.

[The doorbell rings]

Rita: [gasps] That's her!

[As the parents go to the door, Lily reaches over the table to get a snack, but Lori stops her.]

Lori: No, no, Lily. That's not for you. [picks Lily up]

Lily: Dannit!

[Her siblings gasp again]

Lincoln: Ah! It didn't work! She's still saying it!

Laney: How can this be? We made sure we didn't say it! Unless Lily remembered the 'D' word and now it's the only thing she'll say. And now she'll never get into any daycare, or any school, or any- [Lucy stops her]

Lucy: Laney. Calm down. Remeber your breathing exercises.

Lisa: [takes out tongs] Now we do this my way.

[Enter the parents and Dr. Shuttleworth]

Rita: Dr. Shuttleworth, uh, this is our youngest, Lily. [takes Lily]

[Lynn knocks Lisa's tongs away with her bat.]

Rita: Lily, say hi.

Lily: [with drool on her hands] Goo! Goo!

[Dr. Shuttleworth shakes her hand and gets drool on it.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Okay, I see why you said "goo". It's all over your hand. [wipes her hand clean] Well, shall we get started?

[The adults sit down and the rest of the kids come by with fake smiles to watch the interview.]

Lynn Sr.: Uh, kids, what are you doing?

Lincoln: Can we stay and watch? We're just so proud of our baby sis. [blinks delightedly]

Dr. Shuttleworth: If you must, all right. Let's get started with the interview. Miss Lily, would you like to play with a toy?

[She gives Lily a hammering toy set to the baby's delight. Lana then imagines Lily smashing her hand with the hammer and getting ready to say the word and takes the toy away.]

Lana: Uh, she's not much of a tools girl. [chuckles nervously and grins widely]

Dr. Shuttleworth: I see. [takes out a toy guitar] Then perhaps a musical instrument?

[Luna imagines the guitar strings breaking and Lily about to say the word and takes the guitar.]

Luna: She's, uh, not much of a guitar girl, either, dude. Though I am. [strums it playfully] Pretty sweet.

Dr. Shuttleworth: I believe that most children like bouncing balls. [offers Lily said ball]

[Lynn imagines Lily bouncing the ball out the window and ready to say the word. Lily bounces the ball and it goes under the chair Dr. Shuttleworth is sitting in.]

Lynn: I'll get that for you, Lily! [dives under the chair, tilting it.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: [startled] Oh, my land!

Lynn: [retrieves the ball] Ta-da! [drops Dr. Shuttleworth's chair]

Rita: [panicking] We're so sorry!

Lynn Sr.: [shaky] Uh, let us help you!

[The parents put the chair back up]

Lynn Sr.: [disciplinary] Kids, look what you did to Dr. Scuttlebutt!

Dr. Shuttleworth: [offended] That's Shuttleworth!

Rita: [red in the face] Okay, kids, out!

[The kids all leave disappointed.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Actually, I'd like you to leave, too. I need to get a sense of how Lily does on her own.

Rita: Oh! Uh, sure.

Lynn Sr.: [as he and his wife leave] See? I don't think she likes the tie, either.

Lola: Okay, everyone, huddle up.

[They huddle]

Lola: We can't leave Lily alone in there. She's a ticking cuss bomb!

Lincoln: Don't worry. I've got a plan. We'll swap Lily with someone who can be trusted not to drop the "D" word.

Laney: I'll do it! [Laney steps forward] Sure, It may envolve me getting humiliated but I shall make sure that Lily has a swear-less furture.

Lincoln: Yeah. It's not gonna be you Laney.

Laney: Phew! What a relief. I was not ready to go there. Seriously, I don't know what I was thinking. Heh.

Lincoln: Anyway. What we need is someone as young as Lily to swap her. And I've got just the someone. [pulls Lisa in and lifts up her wig.]

[The other sisters gasp in horror and another picture frame crashes.]

Lincoln and Lisa: "Nuclear experiment gone wrong."

Lisa: Uh, Lincoln, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this plan of yours.

Lori: [sympathetic] Yeah. We totally get that. [undeterred] But you're doing it anyway.

Lisa: [sighs] Fine. Then I might as well take these out. [removes her teeth, revealing them to be dentures, making her siblings gasp.] Long story.

Luan: [shakes her head to her senses] Okay, first, we have to swap Lisa for Lily. Follow my lead.

[The other sisters hide in shrubs and Luan tosses a whoopee cushion in Lily's vicinity. Lily lands on the whoopee cushion to give off the implication that she pooped and Luan rushes in.]

Luan: Sounds like you guys are having a blast in here! [laughs] Get it? [pauses] Oh. I'll just change her diaper. [takes Lily away, leaving Dr. Shutterworth confused and comes back with the now disguised Lisa.] Here she is! Freshly changed, and otherwise exactly the same as before! [leaves]

Lisa: [nonchalantly] Goo-goo gaga, et cetera.

Dr. Shuttleworth: Okay, Miss Lily, I have a fun idea. [takes out paper and paint] How about some finger painting?

[Lisa finger paints a complex math equation, much to Dr. Shuttleworth's surprise.]

Lori: What is Lisa doing?

Lana: [holding a straw] Don't worry. I'll get her attention. [blows a spitball at Dr. Shuttleworth catching her attention and ducks down with her sisters. While Dr. Shuttleworth was distracted, Laney swtiched out Lisa's equation with a paper with finger paint on it. Dr. Shuttlewoth turns her attention back to Lisa and notices that Lisa's math equation was replaced by a paper with common finger paintings on it. She scratched her head in confusion and shrugged]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Now, how about we play music?

[She takes out a xylophone and Lisa plays a jazz piece, much to the doctor's surprise and her siblings' worries.]

Luna: [impressed] Whoa, dudes, she's really cooking them vibes!

Lincoln: [pops out] She's also blowing it! We gotta get those mallets away from her! [flings his yo-yo and knocks off Dr. Shuttleworth's glasses, drawing her attention and goes back to hiding.]

Lisa: [examining the doctor's glasses] Hmm. You've got quite an astigmatism.

Dr. Shuttleworth: Pardon me?

Lisa: Oh, uh...uh, goo-goo, gaga.

[She gives her her glasses back]

Luna: I got this. [rushes in with a blanket] Don't mind me. I just thought Lily might want her blankie. [whispers to Lisa] Dude, you're supposed to be a one-year-old! Act like it! [gives Lisa the blanket and leaves]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Okay, Lily, let's sing a song together. The wheels on the bus go round and round [stops at the sound of Lisa grunting] Lily?

[Lisa lets out a big fart sound and a stench in her diaper, meaning only one thing.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: [smelling the stench] Oh, my land! That's pungent!

Lisa: Poo-poo.

Lori: Ew. Well, someone's gonna have to change her.

Leni: [plugs her nose] DIBS, NOT IT!

Other Sisters: [touch their noses] DIBS, NOT IT!

Lincoln: [touches his nose too late] Dang it! I always lose that! [walks over to Lisa and grabs her] "Sorry, Dr. S. I'll take care of it. Aren't you a little cutie-wutie? Did Lily-Wily make a poo-poo in her diapey-diapey? [now angry] Lisa, what the heck, man?

Lisa: I was instructed to act like a one-year-old. Ergo, I did. There's just no pleasing you people.

[Later, Dr. Shuttleworth is going over her notes.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Well, my evaluation is complete.

[The parents eagerly await the results while their children sneak behind the sofa.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Lily's a very gifted child. I've never seen a one-year-old who can play jazz xylophone or solve complex math equations.

[The parents look at their children who have casual faces.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: Therefore... [suspenseful beat] ...we'd love to have her as part of our daycare family. Just bring plenty of diapers.

Lily's Siblings: [cheerful] YEAH!

Rita: [excited] That's great news! Thank you, Dr. Shuttleworth! We are so happy!

Lynn Sr.: Please, take snacks for the road.

Dr. Shuttleworth: Oh, don't mind if I do. [puts all the snacks in her purse and prepares to leave.]

Lily: [follows the doctor] Dannit!

[Her siblings AND parents gasp at that sound.]

Lynn Sr.: Did she just say...

Rita: ...the "D" word?

[The kids approach Lily and the doctor.]

Lincoln: Please don't blame Lily for saying the "D" word! It's our fault!

Lori: It's true! She was literally just imitating our bad behavior!

Leni: She's really the sweetest little girl in the world!

Laney: Blame us! Were nothing but bad influences!

[Dr. Shuttleworth laughs, as does Lily.]

Dr. Shuttleworth: [takes out a doughnut] Children, Lily didn't say the "D" word. I believed she just wanted a doughnut. See?

Lily: [begging for the doughnut] Dannit! Dannit!

Dr. Shuttleworth: It's doughnut, sweetie. [gives it to her]

Lily: Doughnut.

Dr. Shuttleworth: She's a fast learner. See you next week at the daycare, miss Lily. [leaves]

Rita: [suspicious of her kids] So, Lily plays jazz xylophone? Does anyone want to explain?

Lynn Sr.: Bah, does it matter, honey? Lily got in! And I don't have to wear this anymore! [takes off his bland tie, puts his royal guard one back on and sighs.] I feel so much better.

Laney: [In awe] She didn't say the 'D' word. She didn't say the 'D' word. [hugs Lincoln] She didn't say the 'D' word! I'm not a bad infuence after all!

Luan: We all aren't Laney!

Lincoln, Lori, Leni, Luna, Lynn, Lucy, Laney, Lana, Lola, and Lisa: YAY!

[Suddenly, Charles shows up and snatches Lily's doughnut and runs away, causing Lily to get furious.]

Lily: *BLEEP*!

[Everyone gasps in sheer shock at what Lily just said and one more picture frame falls and shatters.]